“Hey, dickhead! You in there?”
I roll my eyes. “What do you want, Trace?!”
“Can we talk?” I narrow my eyes. What the fuck does he want to talk about? “Please?”
He must be drunk. I sit up on my bed. “Come in if you really must.”
Trace stumbles in my room, and I roll my eyes again because the prick is drunk. I’m surprised he’s not fucking the night away with a couple of club whore’s like usual.
“What’s up, fucker?”
Trace shrugs while dropping into the armchair under my window. He scrubs his hands over his face, and I have an idea what’s going on. I reach over and grab the paperweight off my dresser and slam it down, causing a loud bang. Trace jumps half a mile out of the chair, eyes wide, chest heaving in fear.
Trace is a motherfucker most of the time, but he’s my friend, and I can’t believe none of us picked up in what’s going on.
“Trace, it’s all right.” He stares at the floor with wide eyes, trying to control his breathing. “Everything is okay now, brother.”
“I see it happening all the time, Roman.” Trace leans his elbow on his thighs and pushes his fingers through his hair. “I drink to block it out, but it only makes it worse. Why can’t I forget it, Roman?”
“Trace, why haven’t you said anything about how you’ve been feeling?”
“Because I should be over it by now. Wrench is over it, Ritchie is over it, yet I’m still seeing those bullets hit Wrench, seeing him fall to the floor and not being able to help him. I see it each time I close my eyes, and even when I don’t.”
“Trace,” I get out of my seat and pull him from his. I wrap my arms around him and let him cry. No other man on earth would see Trace cry; he’s too proud for that. For some reason, however, with me, he falls apart when he needs to. Right now, he needs to let out what he’s been hiding inside of him all these months. “It’s gonna be okay, brother. You need to see a professional, and I don’t want any arguments.” Trace pulls away from me and wipes his eyes roughly. “There’s no shame in getting help.”
“People like us don’t see shrinks, Roman. I just don’t understand why this is happening to me.”
“It happens to the best of us, Trace. No one else has to know anything if you don’t want them to.” Some of the boys would rib him for seeing a psychiatrist. I’d rip their throats out, but the damage would have been done.
“You really expect me to sit with some know it all and tell them my secrets?”
“I expect you to get help to let this shit go. It’s eating you up, Trace.” I clasp his shoulder, and he looks me in the eye. “Don’t let this destroy you. I know you’ve been through a lot the past few years, starting with Willow and what happened to her, but you’re stronger than this.”
He nods. “Will you help me, Roman? Please?”
The last thing I expect was for Trace to ask me that. However, he needs help to move forward, and if it’s me that he wants to help him, then I will. I’ll make some calls first thing in the morning.
I nod my head in agreement and hug him again. It takes a big man to admit he’s struggling. Trace could have really gone over the edge with no way of returning to us. However, he didn’t, he chose to come here tonight to ask me to help him. I have to applaud him for that.
Chapter Sixteen
Marley
It’s been two months since I first met with Marcus. We’ve seen each other a few times during that period, but I cut him off a couple of weeks ago. I couldn’t take the constant pushing. He just wouldn’t let up. All I asked for was some time to sort my head. He couldn’t give me that, so I stopped contact and just spent some time with Romany. Just her and me, and it was amazing.
However, Marcus still wouldn’t let up. He’d send a text message at least once a day. He texted me at least a hundred times until I agreed to meet with him again. It was an okay day, nothing to write home about. It was more of the same thing, pushing me to make my decision. I’ve met with him every other day to try and find the love in my heart that I once felt for him, but it isn’t coming. We’ve been getting to know each other all over again, and it has been nice, I can’t deny that. I just wish I could feel some kind of spark the way I used to. Although I’m still unsure of where we stand, I owe it to him to try and figure this out.
The longer it goes on, the less chance I have of coming through this in one piece.
Marcus took me to a carnival today, we had fun, and for a while there it was just like old times, just the two of us laughing about anything and nothing. He told me about my mother when I finally plucked up the courage to ask how she was. I have missed her every day since I’ve been gone, and I often wondered what my father told her about what happened to me. I cried hard when Marcus told me how she lived only a few days after she was told I was dead. My mother has been dead for years, and I had no clue. I never tried to find her before now because I was too scared of facing my father. Now I will never get to see her again. I will never get to feel her arms around me, nor will I hear her telling me how much she loves me.
At that moment, I wanted Roman to be the one comforting me. I wanted to feel his arms around me as he told me everything would be okay. However, Roman wasn’t with me, Marcus was, and so it was he who held me until I had no tears left in me to cry. He let me talk about her, and we laughed at old memories. He brought the mood back up, and things seemed okay again.
However, when it was time for me to leave, Marcus got all full on with me again, begging me to walk away from Roman for good, to marry him and follow him to Paris. He said he’d waited long enough for me to make my mind up where my heart lies. It completely ruined my day. All of those good memories we’d just made were destroyed because he couldn’t just leave things alone for one day.
I know Marcus has to leave soon, he can’t keep putting it off, he’s already postponed it once, but I don’t want to live there. I don’t know how much clearer I can make that.
I walked away from him after yelling how he was putting too much pressure on me. He followed me, of course. He grabbed me by both arms and told me that I was selfish and how did I think he felt after all this time.
It hurt me to see him so upset. I’d done that to him, and my heart ached. However, I couldn’t lie to him and tell him right there that I wanted to give us another go when Roman kept popping into my head, his words about how he knew he’d lose me, and that tore me up even more.
I told Marcus that I needed more time. He told me that he’d do whatever he had to do to make me his. I don’t want him to do anything other than giving me a little more time. He has no idea how he’s pushing me away from him with the way he’s acting. I don’t need the caveman act from him. It’s not attractive.
Marcus feels threatened by Roman, and I understand that. He hates that Roman is a biker, and he just fucking loves throwing in my face the life Romany will have should I allow her to grow up with Roman as her father.
I know the dangers of being involved with an outlaw brings. I know the children growing up in that life are in danger all the time, but I also know Roman’s club isn’t like most MC’s, they have a heart, fight for what’s right. They remind me more of Robin Hood and his merry men than the devil’s Bulldog and his gang were.
I know Roman has done terrible things... I don’t like to think about the things he has done, but Elie was right when she said he only did it to protect the innocent. I’m not sure he has to go so far, but then I think of the lives he’s saved doing what he’s done, and that fills me with pride.
In the end, I told Marcus that I would have an answer for him in a few days. It was the only way he’d let me leave. I said it because I think I know the answer in my heart already. I’ve been kidding myself all these weeks, and now it’s time to end it.
I end up at Elie’s. I need to talk to my best friend; I need some advice. I watch Wrench playing with his son on the den rug for a few moments. Little man is laughing so hard at the funny faces his beautiful daddy
is making.
If bikers are so bad, and their children so unhappy with MC life, why do I not believe it fully? If the smile on that baby’s face, the light in his eyes when he looks at that giant of a man tells me anything, it’s that nothing is ever as it seems.
Elie is happy, Kaleb is happy, Wrench protects them with his life. Sure they’ve been through hell, but they came out the other end stronger.
I end up telling Elie everything about Marcus and Roman. She knows Roman has moved out until I know what I want from him, be it a partnership or just friendship. Sure, she and Coral knew I’d seen Marcus, that I was struggling with everything, but they didn’t know the whole story. Elie does now. She didn’t judge me; she just sat there and listened to everything I had to say.
When I’m done speaking, Elie turns to me, takes my hand, and says, “I love you, Marley. I don’t even think you know how much, or even how many of us at the club love you. Roman has never been in love, not until he met you. I’m not saying I’m on his side, but he was the man who listened to you when you said you needed time. He was the one who moved out without making you feel like you were doing something wrong. Roman comes by every day merely to pick up his daughter and then to drop her off again. He doesn’t ask you for anything, and he doesn’t question when you’ll finally put him out of his misery.
“But the other guy?” I swallow hard while keeping my eyes on Elie’s face. “You have a long history, the life you planned was stolen from you so very cruelly, and I think he’s scared to lose you completely, but do you really know him anymore?”
She had a point. Yes, I loved Marcus once upon a time more than life itself. However, I’m not sure – no, I know that I’m no longer in love with him. I think I just clung to the hope that I did because he’s all I knew.
However, I met Roman, and he changed my life. The night we spent together meant everything to me; he treated me like a woman and not a victim. He treated me like his equal. Marcus never treated me like his equal. He was the man, and he expected me to follow his lead, and I did it because that’s what I was used to.
Roman gave me the most precious gift a man could give a woman, a part of himself in the form of the little girl I adore. When I left him that night, he didn’t follow me to force me to go back to him. I knew Roman was looking for me, Elie told me so. However, his intention wasn’t to lord it over me and make me fall into line; it was merely to tell me that if I needed time, he’d give it to me. Not many men would be so accommodating. Not once has he asked, ‘How much longer?’ Not like Marcus, who’s asked five hundred times through text messages alone.
Roman has been nothing but friendly to me, and not just for Romany’s sake. He loves me so much that he’d willingly step aside if I decided to go back to Marcus. Roman wouldn’t make things difficult for me, and he’d still be my friend.
However, there Marcus is, wanting me to take Romany away from her father and never look back. That in itself should have told me from the get-go that he’s not the man I built him up to be.
When you’re young, and in love, you don’t see a man’s faults. To you, he is perfection personified. However, to everyone else with eyes, he’s not all that. I guess I only saw what I wanted to see. It doesn’t make me a fool; it made me naive. I’m not naive anymore. I have my eyes wide open.
“I think, deep down, I’ll always love Marcus in my own way,” I tell her. “But he expects too much of me, Elie.” I let the tears fall because I’d been holding them in since that first meeting with Marcus. “When I was alone all that time, I was free. Free from Bulldog, from my old life. I have no one back home, but Marcus and my mother. She’s gone now. I have no family.” I will never go back to my father after what he did. He’s dead to me.
“Here, with you guys, the club, Romany and I, we have a family. We have a family with Roman. As much as my head told me to leave with Marcus, that he was the safer bet, my heart won’t let me, Elie.”
“It’s okay, sweetheart.” She wraps her arms around me and holds me as I cry.
I think I’m crying more for the fact that I know what I have to do. I’m ready, ready to purge my soul of all the pain I’ve held onto and move forward with my life.
“I don’t want to be without him, Elie. These past two months have been horrible.”
“Who, sweetheart?”
I look up at her and burst out laughing. She’s genuinely confused. I have a habit of doing that, thinking people know what I’m talking about when they don’t. “Roman,” I tell her.
Her face breaks out in a huge smile.
I’ve made my choice. My heart won’t forget Roman, no matter how many times I’ve told myself that I should be with Marcus. It’s Roman that I love more than life itself. I know what I’m getting myself into, I also know he’ll do his damndest to keep Romany and me safe. I trust him with my life, the life he’s saved more than once, literally and metaphorically.
“I love him, El. I really love him.”
“Then go get your man. The rest can wait ’til tomorrow.”
“But what will I tell Marcus? He’ll be so hurt.”
“He’ll be fine, Marley. He’ll move on and have the life he wants in Paris. He’ll meet a nice girl, whom he’ll marry and father children with. You cannot think about him right now. Fix yourself, sweetheart. If Roman is your forever, then tell him, don’t waste another moment.”
I hug the shit out of Elie and leave with a light heart and a huge smile on my face. For the first time in years, my heart feels light.
It feels light right now as I change into my new blue wrap around dress, curl my blonde hair and don a little makeup just for Roman. He’ll be bringing Romany home any moment, and I want to look good for him. We have things to talk about, and I want him in my bed tonight, and tonight I’ll make him stay.
Chapter Seventeen
Roman
Today is the first day that I seriously don’t want to hand Romany over to her mother. I want to keep her with me. Hell, I want to ride the fuck out of this town and never come back. I’ll raise my daughter someplace else. Fuck what anyone else thinks.
However, I can’t do that, no matter if Marley chooses that fucker or not. I can’t take this baby girl away from her mother, just like she can’t take her away from me.
All I do know is, I won’t co-parent with that jerkoff. Romany is my child, mine and Marley’s, and if he thinks for one-second that he’ll ever get me out of their lives, he’s more stupid than I thought. For the rest of his fucking life, he’ll have to put up with me. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not giving up my woman without a fight. Tonight, I’m going to show her why she needs to be with me. I’m done waiting around. Over two months, I’ve stood back and let Marley do her thing. I don’t even know what, if anything, Marley has done with him, but Wrench told me earlier how happy Marley looked when she left his house.
It has killed me all day to think about Marley with that cunt. His hands on her body, his mouth all over her, making love to her, fucking her. It pissed me off so badly that I punched the fuck out of the wall in frustration. I shouldn’t have done that because I scared the shit out of Romany, and she sobbed for half an hour. It took Nova rocking her to calm Romany down. Then the bitch gave me a mouthful about remembering with the baby present I need to be a Dad, not a biker.
Easier said than done when I am a fucking biker. It’s all I’ve ever been, but Nova is right, I need to remember that Romany needs me. My daughter is everything to me, and nothing and no one will ever come before her.
I’ve fed Romany and bathed her. Now I’m knocking her mother’s front door. Marley opens up with the biggest smile on her face I’ve ever seen. I know I’m not the man who put that smile on Marley’s face. I dread to think what she’s been doing with fuck face.
“My baby girl!” Yeah, she’s definitely been up to something, she’s overly happy. She takes Romany’s seat from me, not looking at me once, eyes only for our daughter.
Marley places the car seat on th
e kitchen table, unstraps the baby and lifts her gently into her arms. Marley kisses Romany’s head, eyes closed as she breathes her in. I see how much Marley loves that baby girl. Any thoughts I ever had of leaving evaporate in a flash upon seeing Marley like this.
I shouldn’t have even been thinking about taking Romany away from her mother when I know Marley hasn’t once thought about taking her from me. It’s not like I gave it serious thought, but I was scared I was about to lose my daughter. I guess I didn’t know what else to consider.
“I missed you, Romany. Has she been okay?” Finally, Marley looks at me, still smiling.
I cross my arms over my big body and tell her, “She’s been just fine.”
“She loves spending time with you. I can tell you’ve bathed her. You didn’t have to.”
“I wanted to.” Marley nods slightly, and I realize I’ve taken something from her. I have Romany every day for a few hours, bring her back between six and seven, in time for Marley to bathe her. That’s their special time, and I took it from them. “Marley, I’m sorry. Baby, I didn’t realize.”
“Hey,” She smiles and strokes my arm, invoking all those sexual feelings I get every time she’s near me. “It’s okay. You don’t need to feel bad. I understand that you’d want to do all those little things too. You are a wonderful father, Roman.” Then she leans up, baby in her arms and kisses me. Just a soft kiss to my lips, one that takes me by surprise, one that she holds for a moment and moans against me.
What the fuck is that about?
“Let me put Romany down. We need to talk. Please don’t leave. This is really important.” I can do nothing but nod and watch as Marley walks away.
Has Marley finally made her decision?
She wouldn’t have kissed me if she’d chosen him, would she?
Or was that a kiss goodbye?
I’m not going to lie; I feel fucking sick. I don’t want to lose Marley to some other guy. I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. I never believed it would happen to me. I know I’m not forty yet, but I gave up hope of ever finding a woman to spend my life with. I was content to live my life as a bachelor, fuck who wanted, when I wanted, never committing to anyone.
Crucify Thy Demons: Snakes Henchmen MC Page 13
