“Now you see what I’ve been struggling with for years.” Filip’s words were hushed, full of conflict. “I’ve been protecting her and hurting her at the same time by keeping the truth from her.” He inhaled deeply through his nose. “I never wanted her to worry.”
Although Erec had met Astrid only hours before, he felt the need to protect her, too. Maybe it was his attraction to her that made him so quick to shield her from danger. He wasn’t sure, but he understood what Filip meant. Even now, watching her struggle with her father, seeing the sorrow encasing her, he longed to go over, scoop her in his arms, and draw her close. Take her away and stop the hurt she was feeling.
“How did you manage to keep it from her for so long?” he asked.
“It wasn’t easy,” he replied. “My sister is a clever one. But the illness started slowly at first. Very slowly. After our mother died, I started to notice some things—a slip in memory here or a loss of words there—but nothing substantial. No one in the pack even seemed to catch it. Not until recently.”
Mila tugged Filip’s sleeve, and when he leaned over, she placed a kiss on his cheek. “I’ll leave you two for now. Nice to meet you, Erec.” She left them, the baby still nestled in her arms.
“She’ll feed him. Care for him,” he said with a short, false laugh. “She’s been pushing me to have another, you know.”
Erec wanted to acknowledge him, but he couldn’t look away from Astrid. She was trying to hold Boden’s attention, her hands still planted on his face, but the alpha was talking to the star. To him, she was no longer there.
“How did this happen?” Erec asked Filip. Sorrow wrapped around his heart like a serpent, squeezing tight. “He wasn’t always like this. I’ve heard the stories—”
“Ah, the stories. Yes, he used to be the fearless and barbaric warrior in the tales, but I think the death of our mother wounded him. He’s declined since then, and it only seems to be progressing.”
“You’ve kept this from her for that long?”
“Ten Moons,” he replied with a frown. “Part of me wanted to keep it from her forever, but the other part knows her time is running out. She always complains we treat her like a child.”
“I’ve heard.”
“She’s stubborn, for sure.” He pressed his lips together into a hard line. Then, after some time, he said, “But she’d want to know. I know she’d want to know. She’ll be mad at me for keeping it.”
Yes, she would. Astrid didn’t seem to like anyone trying to protect her, but even knowing that, Erec wasn’t sure he’d do anything different if put in the same situation.
“He’s not always like this,” Filip continued. “As you saw before, he finds himself every once in a while, but these moments have become frequent now. He’s convinced Vallor is our mother. He believes it fully.”
“Is there anything we can do for him?”
“No. I’ve tried everything I could think of. It’s been hard to keep this from the pack, but even they can see he’s slipping away.”
Astrid was so engrossed with her father, she seemed to have forgotten he and Filip were still there, only feet away. “Please, look at me.” Tears streamed down her face now, and her voice had turned into a desperate scream. “It’s a star. A star, Father! Mother’s dead.”
Erec’s throat tightened. In that moment, he hated Filip for showing her the truth. He should have kept this hidden forever. She didn’t deserve this pain. Especially with the Blue Moon only weeks away. But then again, she would have been furious with him if she came to find out on her own. And even if she never did in this life, the guilt probably would have followed Filip for the rest of his.
“And now she’s so close to her last Blue Moon, and I’m going to lose her, too.” Filip crossed his arms and stood firm, but his grief was leaking through. “I just wish…” He sniffed and turned away from Erec. “Dammit…”
His words faded, but he didn’t need to finish. Erec knew what he was going to say. He wished that he could bring his real father back; he wished his sister wasn’t bound by the curse and could live past the coming Blue Moon. That it wasn’t right he was losing everyone he cared about and there was nothing he could do to stop it.
Erec peered down at the swirling blue marks on his shoulder, and anger replaced any lingering hurt, like a fiery eruption behind his ribs. His thoughts flew to the baby and the same tattooed symbols smeared across his forehead, marking him by the same unfair death. Their fates were scrolled across their skin in the womb, with only one way to rewrite their endings. Why was it that their time was always running out? The injustice of it inflamed the rage. He was tired of waiting, of regretting, and wishing for things to be different. He’d wasted enough time wandering aimlessly through his life and trying to escape the things he couldn’t change.
First, he had to get those people out of Jerrick’s chains. And then, he’d help the west pack defeat the monster once and for all. Whatever it entailed, he’d do it. He couldn’t run anymore. If he had to die with the next Blue Moon, then he’d make sure these remaining days were spent on his terms. Not anyone else’s.
Chapter Five
Every intake of breath was like a knife to Astrid’s lungs. A mob of questions clogged her thoughts, and her head pounded. How did this happen? How long had her father been like this? Was he ill? There had to be something she could do to snap him back and make him see he was speaking nonsense. Mother was dead. She’d been gone for ten years now and could never come back. But he knew that; he must have. He’d been the one to find her after the bear attacked. He’d held her body, saw the life leave her eyes.
Astrid didn’t know how long she’d knelt there in the snow, crying into her hands, with her conscience nagging at her for not seeing the signs sooner. The moments she had with him were brief. They almost always involved him scolding her for disobeying him. Actually, the more she thought about it, the more she realized she spent her days purposefully avoiding his overprotective gaze and overbearing demands. She’d been hiding from the one person who needed her most.
Her throat stung from the strain of yelling and sobbing, but no matter what she did—shake him, scream, force him to look her in the eyes—her father’s attention would always shift back up to the sky. He was right in front of her, but she was losing him; she was helpless.
“Astrid…” A gentle pressure on her back caused her to look up. Through her blurry, teary vision, she could make out Erec’s hard frown and stormy eyes. He took her hand away from her face and, with a gentle tug, pulled her to her feet. Instantly, the frigid temperature of the early morning seeped into her bones, freezing her from the inside out. Even wrapped in her thick fox-fur coat and layers of clothing, she was colder than she’d ever been before.
The soothing warmth of Erec’s hand clutching hers was there, and it called to her. The desire to fall into him, let him encase her in his strong arms and hold her close, seized her suddenly. Even if only for a minute, so she could feel like her world wasn’t sinking into bleak, icy depths. She leaned forward, but before their bodies could touch, his fingers slid away from hers and he stepped back. The comforting heat of him vanished, and the chill returned.
A bluish vein appeared across Erec’s creased brow, as if he battled with his own thoughts, and regret curled in Astrid’s belly at the rejection. She scolded herself. Of course, she was asking for too much. They were strangers, after all. He was a rogue wolf, here to help their pack stop Jerrick. It was foolish to think he’d hold and console her, and treat her like anything more. Her sorrow was muddying her common sense.
Wrapping her arms around herself to keep out the growing cold, Astrid turned toward Boden’s tent and her brother. Filip stood silent and still beside the wagon, his expression stoic, unreadable. Rage flared in her chest. He had known about their father’s delusions, and he chose to keep it from her. They were supposed to be family, a unit, and he betrayed her.
Astrid wiped away her wet cheeks with the back of her hand and stomped toward him. She blamed herse
lf for not recognizing her father’s illness sooner, but he didn’t have to lie to her. She should have never found out this way. He should have never kept her in the dark.
“Why, Filip? Why didn’t you tell me?” Her scratchy voice clipped at the end, and she swallowed to relieve her raw throat.
Filip’s nostrils flared, but his face remained smooth of emotion. It only irritated Astrid more. A knot coiled tighter and tighter in the center of her chest. “How long?” she strained. “How long have you been lying to me?”
His brown-eyed gaze darted away from her. He didn’t want to tell her the truth, even now. She could see it on his face.
“How long?”
“After Mother died…” he muttered.
Astrid locked her knees to prevent herself from spilling over. That was ten years ago. He’d been hiding it from her for all that time? And she’d been blind to it? Her fingers curled into a fist, the urge to strike her brother making her muscles rigid.
Erec’s warm hand pressed onto her shoulder as he came to her side. “Astrid, I know what it seems like. Just listen to him. Let him explain.”
She wasn’t sure she wanted to. It scared her to think there was more she didn’t know. But Erec’s closeness was reassuring, and she didn’t understand why.
“I know you’re mad at me, Ash. Believe me. I never did this to hurt you.” Filip heaved a sigh. His face paled, and his lips tugged down at the corners. “I think this was Father’s way of dealing with Mother’s death. It destroyed him.”
Astrid glanced over her shoulder. Her father had quieted, and his head hung low. The throbbing ache behind her ribcage deepened. Losing her mother had been painful for her, but she had never considered how it must have been for her father. Boden was always stern, focused, and protective. A true alpha. He was the strongest shifter she’d ever known, in every way. And that’s where she’d gone wrong. She’d assumed he’d handled their mother’s death like he did everything else.
“Father will come back.” Filip’s raspy voice shook her from her thoughts. “He fades away, but he always comes back.”
“He’ll get better then?”
Filip hesitated before answering. The anxiety growing inside him was a storm Astrid could feel through the link that joined them. “Every day his mind slips away a little more. I…I don’t think so.”
Her stomach churned. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“He didn’t want you to worry.” Erec gave her shoulder a light squeeze.
Filip nodded. “I was just trying to protect you from it, Ash. I never—”
“Protect me?” There was that word again. It jabbed at her like an angry hornet’s stinger every time it flew from someone’s lips. Her tone spiked in annoyance. “Why does everyone want to protect me?”
When neither of them uttered an answer, her gaze narrowed on her brother. “Do me a favor—from now on, stop protecting me. I mean it.”
The crunching of heavy footsteps made them all turn. Boden’s massive frame came toward them. His round cheeks were bright red, and tears glittered in his wiry beard and mustache.
“Father?” Astrid searched his face for any traces of the father she knew. Unlike with her brother, a light caress of confusion and sadness radiated from her father’s wolf aura. Even the alpha sheen that usually shimmered vibrant gold around his frame had dulled since the last time she’d seen him. “Is that you?”
Boden blinked, not hearing her question. A haze still clung to his stare, but when he spoke, his voice was the same reverberating bellow she knew and loved. “Is everyone packed up and ready to move on?”
The words stayed lodged in Astrid’s throat.
He rubbed his sweat-slicked forehead, and then his glassy gaze found Erec, and his eyebrows rose in surprise. “Changed your mind, have you? Come to join us after all?”
Erec’s body tensed, but instead of saying a biting remark, he only nodded.
An amused smirk lifted the side of Boden’s mouth. “Good.”
That was her father, all right. She couldn’t help herself. She wrapped her arms around his bulbous middle, as much as his size allowed, and squeezed. One of his large hands pushed against her back. “Astrid, my girl, are you all right?”
She fought back the tears prickling in her eyes and ripped herself away from him. “Oh, yes. Fine.” She sniffed.
Boden peered over the top of her head at his empty wagon and untouched tent. “It looks like I still have my things to sort out.” He turned to Filip. “Tell the pack we’ll be leaving within the hour.”
“Of course, Father,” Filip replied, like he always did. As if nothing had changed.
But it had changed. It would never be the same again. Their father’s mind was slowly slipping away, and nothing could be done to help him. Although it seemed like he’d shaken the delusions for now, who knew when he would fall back into them again. He wasn’t Boden the Warrior anymore, the ruthless alpha who ruled the west territory. He was a shadow of that man. And with their pack being threatened by Jerrick, they needed him here more than ever.
She needed him, too.
A dull ache began to grow at the center of her chest, followed by the same intense sadness she’d felt ten years ago. First, she’d lost her mother. It had been sudden, unexpected. And now she was losing her father slowly. As she thought about it, she didn’t know what was worse.
More tears sprang to her eyes, but she blinked hard to keep them at bay.
Boden strode away, but once he stood below his prized moose antlers and pulled back the canvas hut’s entrance, he paused. “Make sure you stay with the group when we set off, Astrid. No wandering. It’s too dangerous.”
Astrid’s thoughts instantly went to Jerrick’s captives, who were still in the forest clearing, waiting for her and Erec to come back. They had to rescue them.
But then her father said something that made her heart plunge into the pit of her stomach. “Please…” Agony dripped from every word. “I can’t lose you, too.” With that, he disappeared into his tent, and everything seemed to make sense to Astrid: her father’s constant desire to keep her close and under the pack’s protection, his irrational fear whenever she ran off, and threats if she disobeyed. It wasn’t because she was close to her final Blue Moon, like she’d thought. He was terrified to find her dead…like her mother.
Snowflakes fluttered around the remaining three, hovering in the air for a breath before drifting to the ground and disappearing in the white blanket at their feet. Every once in a while the distant clang of a hammer against metal would shatter the early morning calm.
“Let’s continue our conversation away from here.” Filip gestured for her and Erec to follow him away from the tent, farther into the forest. In the shadows of the trees, where the heat of the sun didn’t touch, nature was painted in shades of black and white. Astrid never missed the spring as much as she did now.
“About the survivors, we need to keep this from Boden and the rest of the pack for now. We don’t want panic,” he started. “Boden only wants to protect his pack. He’s moved us a lot over the years to avoid danger.”
“That’s why we’ve had to resettle so much?” Astrid asked, and Filip nodded. She had never understood her father’s reasons for relocating their group every couple of years, but since the alpha’s word shouldn’t be questioned, she never did.
“Boden the Warrior wants to avoid danger.” Erec rubbed the sand-colored stubble along his jawline. It sounded like he was mulling it over himself.
“He’s not the same man he once was,” Filip said. “He won’t agree with risking his people to save strangers. He won’t allow it.”
“We will have to handle it on our own, then,” Erec replied firmly. “And we’ll have to go about dealing with Jerrick a different way. We can’t rely purely on brute strength or numbers, like he does. We’ll have to be smart about this.”
Filip paced over to a nearby tree and leaned against it, nodding. “We have a lot of men in our pack, but most are
families here. Women and children.”
Astrid’s head pounded as she listened, and the danger of their situation sank in. A war with Jerrick’s pack was imminent. Rescuing all those innocent people dying in the murderous alpha’s chains and cages could cost them their lives, too, and now there was the truth of her father’s condition—it all sat on her mind like three unmovable, crushing boulders. She had no idea what they were going to do to survive all this.
“I’m worried about time,” Erec went on, but his face didn’t show a bit of that apprehension. “I didn’t exactly agree with Boden at first, but with Jerrick only miles from here, moving farther west might give us the time we need to form a plan.”
Filip reached into a back pocket of his pants and pulled out a scrap of paper. He began to unfold it. “The pack is moving to Svanna Rock. Do you know where that is?”
Astrid stepped closer to him and peeked at the twisting lines and tiny letters scrolled across the front, all in black ink. A map. She recognized the river first by its winding shape, which cut through many triangular trees before curving sharply west. There was Mikel’s name and Rohan’s, and many of the other pack territories, each outlined and marked. She even spotted Svanna Rock, just above a small clearing labeled “Boden” in scratchy handwriting. Their final destination.
Erec didn’t even look at the makeshift map in Filip’s hands. “It’s about a full day’s trip from here. That’s if you don’t stop and rest. It’s usually very dangerous during this time of year, though. Pointy rocks. Jagged cliffs. Slippery.”
Filip refolded the paper and smiled. “That’s it.”
Astrid was impressed, too. Her pack had to relocate many times, always within their territory, yet they still didn’t know the forest that well. A map was always a handy tool to have.
“I suppose you could use it to your advantage. An extra layer of protection,” Erec went on.
The grin on her brother’s face widened. “Exactly.”
“Seems like Boden still has some of his wits,” Erec said. “But with the way he is and with the pack traveling so far, it may be best if I go to the prisoners on my own.”
The Curse (Shifter Origins) Page 5
