by Sj Hooks
She smiled as if she had just made a joke, but I didn’t find it funny, and frankly her attempt to make light of my misery made me angry.
"It's so easy for you, isn't it?" I practically sneered. "Coming here to my home and accusing me of…what, exactly? Missing her too much? Reacting badly to the fact that I feel gutted and hollow and really fucking miserable all the goddamn time? Well, I do! Sorry to disappoint you! How the hell would you react if Shawn suddenly moved away? You two can't stand to be apart for two fucking minutes! I'd like to see how you would cope!"
I pointed an accusing finger at the girl in front of me, who now looked embarrassed, probably because she knew that I was right. She and Shawn had been almost inseparable ever since they met. But the hurt look in her eyes made my anger dissipate as quickly as it came. Matt was gaping at me and I remembered that he had never really heard me swear before. I still didn't do it very often outside the bedroom but I was feeling beyond frustrated and sad, although I hadn't meant to take it out on Sophia. She was merely trying to help. They all were.
"I just… I miss her, you know?" I said weakly and sat down on the nearest chair, feeling exhausted. "Sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you."
"It's OK," she said. "I can't imagine how hard this must be. We miss you, Stephen. We like having you around and, well, we kind of promised Jules that we would make sure you didn't turn all reclusive once she left. She was worried about you."
"You haven't told her anything about me, have you?" I asked. "That I haven't been, err, coping well?" That would be awful. Julia couldn't know any of this. It would only cause her pain to know how badly I was faring without her.
Sophia shook her head, looking sad. "No, but maybe you should."
"Are you joking? What good could possibly come out of that? I can't ruin this for her!" I insisted. "Besides, you were the one who made me encourage her to leave in the first place, remember?"
"I know." Sophia nodded. "But I didn't think it would affect you like this. Both of you."
"Both of us?"
"You and Jules," she said quietly.
"Sophia," Megan warned.
"What do you mean?” I asked. “She's doing great over there. She loves her classes and London, and she's made some good friends already. You know that. You talk to her almost as much I do, right?”
"Yeah, I do. But Stephen, about what you said," Sophia started.
"Sophia!" Megan interrupted, more insistent this time. "Don't."
"What's going on?" I demanded. "Tell me!"
"I think maybe I made a mistake," Sophia said, leaning into Shawn as he put his arm around her.
"A mistake about Julia?"
She nodded. "I'm not entirely sure that Jules is as happy as she's letting on. I knew that she was going to miss you, but I didn't expect her to…be so…I don't know, sad," she said with a helpless shrug.
I didn't understand. Julia seemed fine whenever I talked to her on the phone.
"We think that she's pretending for you," Megan finally said with a sigh. "She wouldn't want us to tell you, but I guess Sophia is right. Jules isn't really happy over there like we thought she would be."
What?
I felt as though someone had punched me in the gut. Or at least this was how I imagined it would feel.
Julia is sad and hiding it from me!
This wasn't how it was supposed to be at all. The whole point of her leaving was to make her happy. That was the only thing that mattered, and it was only because her happiness meant everything to me that I had been able to endure her absence these past two months.
"She's pretending?" I whispered. "She's been lying to me?"
Megan sighed again. "She wants you to be proud of her, Stephen. She's always talking about her studies and how she can't wait to tell you about something that’s happened in class. She looks up to you, you know?"
"But I'm proud of her no matter what she does. She doesn't have to have a perfect GPA. That's not why I'm with her."
"Maybe you should tell her that," Sophia suggested. "She's so hard on herself when it comes to school, and having a professor for a boyfriend probably isn't helping her loosen up just a little and actually enjoying herself while she's abroad. She's always at the library when we talk to her."
I nodded pensively. I knew that my girlfriend spent a great deal of her time studying, but I had never considered that she might be overdoing it. I had always been very studious myself, but now that I thought about it I knew that it had never brought me genuine happiness. Julia had been the one to do that, and while we had been together here I had eased up on my workload and for once didn't turn in academic articles at the earliest date possible. I had relaxed and had fun for the first time in my life. I wanted the same for her. What was the point of going to an entirely different continent if she spent every waking hour cooped up in a stuffy library?
"And…I think she's really worried about losing you," Megan added. "That you might meet someone else while she's away."
"But that's preposterous!" I protested. "I would never! She has to know that by now."
"She does know," Sophia soothed. "She's just scared, Stephen. She's far away and she's been hurt before."
"I know. But I would never do anything like that to her. Not in a million years. She's my world. My everything."
Shawn smiled at me. Just as much of a hopeless romantic as I was, he knew exactly what I meant.
"Tell her that," he said. "She probably needs to hear it."
"I will," I promised, turning my attention to Julia's friends again.
"Thank you for telling me," I said sincerely. "I really appreciate it. I just wish she would’ve told me all of this herself."
"Yeah, but you haven't told her about your recent mood either, have you?" Matt asked. "I mean, I half-expected you to grow out your bangs and dye your hair black."
Huh?
I stared blankly at my brother.
"You know, 'cause you're all emo and shit?" he chuckled, while the others grinned knowingly. I felt very much out of the loop.
"Never mind," he finally said, giving me a smile. "Do you want to come out with us for dinner?"
I hesitated for a moment.
"Please?" he added.
"OK," I agreed. "Thank you. That sounds nice."
The smiles I received from the four of them made me feel warm on the inside. I had been foolish to push them away, thinking that it would make Julia's absence easier not to see our friends. But now I was worried about my girl. I needed to talk to her.
* * *
Thankfully, the perfect opportunity presented itself the very next day.
From her own description, Julia lived in an old, quaint apartment and her internet connection was spotty at best, but today she was finally getting it fixed and we had a web camera date tonight. This afternoon my time, to be accurate. I couldn't wait to see her. Earlier that month, Matt had helped me set up the camera and install the Skype software while making entirely inappropriate comments about how Julia and I should use it. I would be lying if I said that the thought of doing something sexual hadn't crossed my mind, but I would leave it up to her to decide. The most important thing to me was to see my lovely girlfriend and make sure that she was doing all right. I couldn't get Sophia's words out of my head. Was it possible that Julia wasn't as happy as I thought? She always seemed so cheerful on the phone when we talked, but that wasn't the impression she had left with her friends at all.
The whole thing left me feeling conflicted. I wanted Julia to be happy and fulfilled in London, and yet there was a small part of me that would feel relieved if it turned out that she, too, was having difficulty dealing with our separation. So far I hadn't gotten any indication that she found it unbearable, and it was unsettling to think that she could so easily be without me when each day felt like torture to me. I didn't doubt that she loved me, but I wanted to know that she longed and ached for me as I did for her.
The day passed far too slowly for my taste and my classes
seemed dull and never-ending. I just wanted to be home in front of the computer, listening to her sweet voice and finally seeing her lovely smile. Of course, I had a whole myriad of pictures to look at, but to actually watch her face light up when she saw me was what I dreamed about at night.
Finally the day was over and I rushed home, locked the door, and silenced my phone before turning on my computer. I was giddy with excitement as I put on the headset that Matt had supplied me with, clicked on her contact name on Skype, and dialed. The dark screen illuminated and there she was.
Julia. My Julia.
"Sweetheart," I breathed out. "God, you're beautiful."
Lace and silk, dark hair and pale skin, pink lips and blue eyes. My girlfriend, my love.
"Stephen," she sighed, drawing a deep breath. "Hey, baby."
I knew that I was supposed to say more, but I couldn't get a word out. It had been so long since I had seen her and my eyes swept over her face and upper body for several long seconds before I was able to speak again.
"What are you wearing?" I asked, even though I could see it plain as day.
She smiled. "Do you like it?"
I nodded, finally remembering to close my mouth. She had on some sort of lingerie and I had never seen her in anything like it before. On most days she didn't bother with bras at all and while I loved the easy access to her amazing breasts, there was something very enticing about the black lace and silk contraption she was wearing.
"You look so sexy," I whispered roughly, not recognizing my own voice. My mind clouded with thoughts of her naked and aroused, and I forgot about everything except my own physical needs.
"Show me," I said, as she fiddled with one of the shoulder straps. "Pull it down."
She complied. My eyes fixed on her chest where her nipples were peeking out just above the fabric.
"Oh, fuck," I groaned as the hand resting on my thigh twitched, inching closer to the fly of my pants. "Touch yourself, sweetheart."
Her hands moved over the swell of her breasts and I popped my top button. I couldn’t believe we were about to do this, but I found it impossible to resist.
"That's it. Imagine they're my hands, Julia," I whispered. "I'm the one touching you."
Her hands froze just as they were about to reach their destination and I looked up at her face, wondering why she’d stopped. Her eyes were closed and out of nowhere she covered them with her hands.
"No, you're not," she whispered. "You're not here."
"Julia—"
"You're not here!" she choked out, as her upper body crumbled forward and I realized with absolute horror that she was crying.
"You're so far away," she sobbed. "Why are you so far away, Stephen?"
Before I could say anything she stood up and moved out of my field of vision.
No, no, no! Come back!
"Julia!" I yelled into the microphone. "Julia! Please, talk to me, sweetheart. I'm so sorry!"
I was horrified with myself and how I had just acted. What happened to talking to her and making sure that she was doing well? That she was happy and enjoying herself?
Oh God, I basically treated her like she was my own personal peepshow!
I had never felt so ashamed in my life. She was crying and it was entirely my fault. I had barely said hello before I had asked her to take her clothes off. What was wrong with me? How could I have been so callous toward her?
"Julia, please!"
I could see her now, pacing and crying into her hands, but it didn't look like she was still wearing her headset and I couldn't hear her anymore. I jumped up and started frantically searching for my cellphone, dialing her number all while watching her intently on my computer screen. I saw her pick up her phone and look at it for a moment before she held it up against her ear.
"Julia, please don't hang up," I rushed out. "I'm so sorry! Please talk to me."
All I could hear was her labored breathing and quiet sobs.
"I'm right here, sweetheart," I urged. "Please say something."
"No…you're not," she whimpered. "You're not here. We're not together."
My chest felt too small as my heart pounded violently against my ribcage.
"We are!" I insisted. "We're together. You're my sweetheart. Please…please, don't give up on us."
She walked back over and sat down in her chair in front of the computer. Her cheeks were wet and her eyes glistened with more tears. It broke my heart.
"Please, don't give up," I begged again. I reached out and my fingers traced over the image of her face on the screen. I couldn't offer a warm touch or my arms for her to find comfort in. The helplessness I felt was staggering. She was absolutely right. I was so far away from her. She was thousands of miles away and I couldn't hold her, which was what she desperately needed.
"I-I love y-you," I managed to choke out before swallowing the lump in my throat as I fought back tears. I could only give her my words and hope that it was enough. "Do you still love me?"
The whole world seemed to stop in that moment. What would I do if she didn't love me anymore? How could I possibly go on without her? What would become of me?
"Yes," she whispered.
Oh, thank you, God!
"Please, tell me."
"I love you, Stephen," she said quietly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "I love you so much."
"Then please don't lose faith in us," I begged urgently. "We’ll be together soon. Christmas is just around the corner."
"No, it isn't," she said. "It's almost two months away."
"They'll go by fast," I lied, since I knew that it would be the longest two months of my life. The time we spent apart seemed to move at a snail’s pace. "Before you know it you'll come home to visit."
She shook her head sadly, rubbing her naked arms.
"I'm cold," she whispered, wiping away more tears. "It's so cold here already. With all the Dickens I've read, you'd think I would be prepared for that."
"It feels cold here, too," I replied, even though the temperature outside was close to sixty. It might as well have been freezing. Without Julia's sweet smile and warm embrace, everything seemed bleak and frigid and my chest felt cold and empty.
"You should put something on," I said softly. She didn't move.
"I don't want you to get sick," I pressed.
"I won't," she muttered.
Her eyes seemed vacant and sad, and when I looked closer, I could see that she’d lost some weight, too. I wondered if it had been like this for her all the time she had been in London. I hoped not. I hoped that this was merely the result of a bad day and that tomorrow her effervescent zest for life that l loved so dearly would return.
"Please put on something warm and turn up the heat. Maybe make yourself some tea. Then we can relax and talk when you're comfortable," I suggested. I gave her a weak smile but she didn't return it.
"How can you stand this?" she sighed despondently. "You're talking about tea and warm clothes like that's going to make everything all right. I'm not all right, Stephen!"
She looked down as her voice turned sadder and scared. "Why…is it so easy for you to be away from me?"
"Easy? You think it's easy for me?" I asked incredulously.
She shrugged her shoulders and rubbed her arms again. "You seem fine," she whispered. "Like it's no big deal that we're not together."
I shook my head. "Julia, first of all, we are together. I'm still your boyfriend and that won't change, I swear. And second, I am not even close to being fine. I miss you terribly."
"I miss you, too," she replied. Her voice sounded hoarse from unshed tears. "Stephen, what the fuck am I doing over here?"
"You’re living out your dream.”
"Fuck my stupid fucking dream!" she yelled. "I hate this!"
I was stunned. Megan and Sophia said that Julia was not as happy as I’d thought, but she had never given me any indication that she didn't like being over there. I knew that she missed me but I had been under the impression that
she was thriving, both with school and with making new friends.
“You hate it? Your classes, or London? Or both?”
"No, I guess I don't actually hate it," she amended with a sigh. "And I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I know what an amazing opportunity this is and that a lot of people would kill for this. I just…"
"Just what?"
"I hate being away from you," she whispered, sounding dangerously close to tears once more. "I miss you so much and I'm scared…scared that we won't make it."
Her last word turned into a tiny wail and she wrapped her arms around her middle as though she were hugging herself. I could only watch helplessly as her body shook and heaved with sobs and I witnessed my beautiful girl release what must have been two months' worth of suppressed sadness and frustration. After a few seconds my vision blurred.
"Julia. Julia, please," I begged and touched the screen again, as if that could somehow bring her comfort. "Don't. Please don't cry, sweetheart. I can't. I can't bear it."
I gave up holding back the tears in my eyes and simply let them flow freely. I couldn't pretend anymore. I was just as miserable as she was and for a minute or two I simply let her cry because she seemed to need it so much. And truthfully, I needed it, too. It wasn't easy always being an adult and putting on a brave face for the world.
"I'm sorry," she sniffed after she had calmed down. "I thought I could do the whole webcam sex thing but it feels all wrong. It just reminds me that you're not here. And somehow I feel even more alone."
"It's all right," I assured her immediately. "We don't have to do anything. And I'm sorry for being so forward. I just…I really miss being with you like that. Uh, and in every other way, too. You know that, right?"
She gave me a small, sad smile and nodded.
"I'm freezing," she said, rubbing her arms again. "I guess I'll change and make tea, OK?"
It was my turn to nod, but the second she was out of my view the smile melted off my face. We couldn't keep doing this. Julia wasn't happy and neither was I. Something needed to change and soon, or I worried that Julia would decide that it would be easier for both of us to put our relationship on hold until she came home. If that happened I feared that it would turn into a breakup and that was too horrible to even contemplate. All this time I had thought she was doing so much better than me, but as it turned out, that wasn't the case at all. I needed to weigh my options.
