I should be happy. I should be anxious and excited. I don’t know why I can’t feel anything. It’s like those emotions are gone. I can’t feel anything right now but the pain in my body. The pain from the memories playing over in my head like a horror movie. His voice like a soundtrack on repeat. We are gonna have a lot of fun.
I shiver at the memory, the action causing aches through my bones. The door opens and Doc walks through the door. His eyes widen when he looks at me. “You’re awake?” He walks toward me and even though I know it’s Doc and he won’t hurt me fear rises inside of me. My heart starts to race as he comes closer to me. “Calm down, Lucy. I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. I’m very surprised you’re awake. Can you tell me how you feel?”
It’s a question. I should answer him. It’s almost like my voice doesn’t work. I just stare at him.
“Does your throat hurt?” He sits in the chair next to my bed.
I slowly shake my head.
I’m broken. He can see that. Everyone will. I just want to close my eyes and go to sleep, but every time I do, I see his face. I am right back in that damn basement.
Doc stands not saying much else to me. “Things will get better,” he says as he leaves the small room.
He has no idea. Nothing will ever be the same. I will never be the same.
Whether I am alive or not, Lucy died in that room.
“So what’s been going on over there?” I nod toward the garage.
Twisted smiles at me as he leans back in the chair. “We’ve been having some fun. I think at this point, the bastard’s about ready for you.”
“Really? What’d you guys do to him?” I raise an eyebrow at him.
“Well, we cut his dick off then cauterized the wound with the welding torch so the fucker wouldn’t bleed out. He’s been repeatedly fucked up the ass with the biggest pipe I could manage. Torch went to town poking his nasty ass with a hot poker and playing around some more with the welding torch. Wrench and Brick took their respective toys and had a good ole time. At the end of the night, Cutter covered him in little cuts, rubbed salt in them, then doused them in alcohol. He screamed like a little bitch all night. That cocky ass attitude faded real quick. Fucker has been begging for mercy since you left him with us.” Twisted’s smile is infectious.
It makes me happy to know that he is suffering, that he is feeling pain after what he did to Lucy. He deserves every damn ounce of it, and more. “You think it’s time?” I look over at my brother. The one who has been serving vengeance for me and my girl all night long. He nods and I stand, ready to end this chapter.
When I walk into the garage, the smell is enough to choke me. As I cough and try to catch my breath, I catch sight of him collapsed against one of the poles. He is laying on his side his naked body twisted at unnatural angles. Small cuts covering every inch of skin, each one dripping blood down into the next. As my boots fall heavy on the cement, his body curls into a ball, the action causing loud moans of pain. I can’t help but smile at his pain.
“Stand him up.” Torch walks behind him grabbing him by the little hair he has left and lifting him by it. He screams as he is ripped up. “Not so cocky now, fucker? I told you that you would pay for what you did to her. I hope you enjoyed your time here because your shit is about to end.” I reach for my gun holding it up to his head. “You will never touch another woman again. I will leave your ass in the middle of your compound as a warning to the rest of the sick fuckers there.”
There is no smile from him this time. He is defeated. I’ve won.
Torch steps back. As my finger pulls the trigger, the bullet flies toward him, blood splatters, his head lurches backward, and I feel peace. It’s over. I can tell Lucy it’s done. She doesn’t need to ever be scared of them again. They will never touch her.
His body slumps to the ground with a loud thud and I turn away from him. “Drop his body in the middle of that shit hole tonight. Let them find it in the morning. Make sure you include a note stapled to him warning them not to be anything like that sick fucker.”
I walk away wanting to go check on Lucy now that this bullshit is done with. I want to let her know that everything is over. I’ve fixed it.
The guilt is eating me alive.
My worst fear is that she will blame me for all of this. It was my job to keep her safe and I failed. I let them get to her.
This all happened when she was mine.
When I go back into the common room, Doc is waiting for me. “I need to talk with you.”
“Is she okay?” Nothing else could possibly be wrong.
“Physically everything is the same as I told you last night.” He motions toward a table and we sit down. “My biggest concern right now is how detached she is, right now she is in shock, which isn’t a surprise, but she’s practically catatonic. She refuses to engage. You need to be prepared, the reality is that Lucy is going to be traumatized for a long time. She’s going to need time to heal, and all the support she can get from you.”
“What do you mean? Maybe her throat hurts. Maybe she is in pain and that’s why she didn’t answer you.” Everything will be fine. Doc doesn’t know what he is talking about. Lucy will be fine.
“No, I asked her that. I am not trying to scare you but merely prepare you for what you are about to walk into.” We sit there for a minute before he stands and walks away.
I get up and slowly walk toward my door. Just because she wouldn’t talk to Doc doesn’t mean anything. Lucy is my girl. Everything will be fine, especially once I let her know that she doesn’t need to worry about her family anymore. I keep thinking if I tell myself things will be fine enough times that maybe they will be. She will smile at me and I will stay by her side as she gets better. We will get through this shit together.
I open the door and she looks up at me. My body relaxes seeing her awake and alert. “Sweets, it’s amazin’ to see you.” I walk to her side of the bed. When I reach out to touch her hand she pulls it away from me, then releases a sound of pain from the sudden motion. “Luce, it’s me. I’m not gonna hurt you. I missed you, baby.”
I wait for response for her, but nothing comes.
I don’t make another move to touch her even though I’m dying to.
“I want you to know that we took care of him for you. Your uncle, he’s dead. So is your father and Andrew. They can’t touch you anymore, babe.” She looks at me and as easy as I can usually read her emotions, I have no idea what she is feeling. Her eyes are blank and so is her face. “Talk to me, Luce.” My voice is desperate. The fear of what Doc was saying to me is setting in. I didn’t want to believe him, but now seeing her like this I do. “Please, say anything. Just talk to me.”
She looks at me, but that’s all. Her eyes focused on my face but not really seeing me. It’s like when you are daydreaming and not really paying attention to what you’re looking at.
“Lucy, please, I need you to come back to me. I can’t have you this close and still lose you.”
She closes her eyes effectively blocking me out.
I sit next to the bed for the longest time, praying that she will open her eyes and this will all be a dream.
I didn’t want to believe Doc.
I didn’t want to believe that after finding her, I could still lose her.
It’s been one month.
One month of being a living, walking, corpse.
That’s how I feel.
No, that’s the wrong word.
I don’t feel anything.
That’s the problem.
Nothing matters. Nothing makes me happy, mad, sad. I spend every day in this room. Jordan watches me like he is waiting for some crazy miracle to happen. Like one day I will wake up and care about myself, him, everyone.
I’m dead inside.
I know he had thought me finding out that they killed them would help but it doesn’t matter, because they live on in my nightmares. He can’t kill them there and that is where they are causing the most damage
.
My memories of that night and what led up to it are spotty but still amazingly vivid. I don’t remember going to the compound very well, other than that I was with Danny. My memories of the basement are out of order. I just know that they happened. I watch them happen in my head every night on repeat.
I didn’t think it could get any worse until Doc had told me that I had been pregnant too. Not only had Uncle Simon robbed me of my life, he took the life of my baby. It doesn’t matter that I didn’t know, or that I wasn’t far along, there had been a life inside of me. Now I was empty and hollow.
I haven’t spoken to anyone. I don’t see the point. I have nothing to say. Jordan tries with me every day, I can’t believe he is actually still here. I would have thought he’d given up by now. I won’t let anyone touch me. I won’t leave the room unless it’s to go to the bathroom.
I want to die.
This isn’t a life. It’s a prison. It’s a hell where I have to relive the torture I endured while at the same time torturing the people who love me. That’s why I sit here with Jordan’s pocket knife to my wrist. The boys are in Church. No one will be here to check on me for a while. Maybe with me gone everyone can just move on. I’m a constant burden that needs to be taken care of and watched, like a child. I’m keeping them from living too, from going on with their lives.
I just want to be at peace.
I don’t want to be in pain anymore.
I want to be free.
I want to fly.
I slice the blade across my skin once, wincing as it cuts into me, the sheets instantly stained in red. I quickly move to the other before I lose my nerve. One more quick motion and I lay back against the pillow. I close my eyes.
I’m coming, my little baby.
Jordan will be free. He can move on after the shock wears off. His obligation to me will finally be over. It will take time but he will find happiness. Hopefully, he will be stronger.
My body begins to feel weak as my eyes begin to feel tired.
This will be better for everyone.
Red.
It’s all I see when I open the door.
Panic seizes my entire body.
I run to her as a scream rips through my throat.
“Someone call Doc!” There is blood everywhere. I realize it’s coming from her wrists and grip them with my hands. I’m trying to put pressure on the cuts. I don’t know what to do.
“Fuck.” I look behind me to see Twisted. He runs to the other side of the bed. “Doc is on his way.” He grips the sheet, ripping it and the ties it around one of her wrists as I let it go. He does the same to the other.
I grab them once more trying to keep pressure on them.
Her face is pale.
Wake up, Luce.
You can’t leave.
I hold her in my arms as I pray that she can make it through this. That’s when I notice it on the ground. My knife. She used my knife. Every time she’s been hurt, it’s been connected to me in some way.
It feels like a lifetime before Doc comes in. His eyes grow wide at the scene in front of him.
Please let him save her again.
I can’t lose her.
It’s been two weeks since I tried to kill myself and everyone has been watching me around the clock. I have a shadow at all times. Apparently, I missed the major artery I needed to hit.
Jordan found me and freaked out. He called Doc who was magically able to save me. I wish they would have just let me go. Doc has been coming over, trying to talk to me every day since then but it doesn’t help. I don’t want to be like this but I don’t know how to change it. I can’t make myself have emotions. I can’t make myself have feelings.
I don’t know where they all went or how to get them back. I’m being forced to leave the clubhouse today and go into town with Tracie. Jordan’s words were that I go willingly or he will carry me and be my physical shadow the whole time. The idea of him touching me scares me so much. It’s not that I’m scared he will hurt me, but the act of anyone’s hands touching me makes me panic.
I get dressed in more than just pajamas for the first time since everything happened. When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize the person looking back at me. I’ve lost so much weight that my clothes are almost falling off me. My complexion is pale, my hair a stringy, horrible mess. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Nothing does. I have two huge scars from my time with Uncle Simon. The brand on my side from the cattle iron. Then the one on my hip where my tattoo used to be. It’s jagged, and ugly. It’s almost poetic because I swear it matches the way I feel inside.
My door opens and Jordan is standing there. “You ready, beautiful?”
I turn toward him. It’s a nice lie with the beautiful line. I grab a sweatshirt and walk toward the door.
“Luce, wait.” I freeze in front of him. He holds up my property jacket with a hopeful smile on his face. “Wanna wear this?” I just look at him. I used to love the man standing in front of me with all my heart. Every part of me screamed for him when he was close to me. He could bring a smile to my face without even saying anything. The way he is looking at me right now always put a smile on my face. Now I am completely unaffected. Nothing gets through to me. This is why he should have just let me die in that basement.
The Lucy he loved did anyway.
I walk past him being careful not to brush against him. I just want to get today over with.
Tracie has taken me for a day of shopping and now we are eating lunch at our favorite restaurant. She is trying to tell me a story about some of the new girls as I push around some of the food on my plate trying to make it look like I’ve eaten something so we can leave.
That’s when someone across the street catches me eye and I freeze. She is laughing and happy. Talking with another girl. Carefree and enjoying her life. Everything she took from me.
Amy.
Memories flood my mind. Things I forgot or chose to hide from myself. As they come rushing back a sharp pain hits my head. Emotions flood through my body everything I have fought against. Guilt for leaving that night, for forcing Danny to come with me. Betrayal for her lies. I scream as the pain intensifies. I crumble to the ground retreating to the fetal position.
I can’t handle everything that’s coming back to me. Regret for the way I’ve been treating my friends. The way I have pushed away the man that I love. I tried to kill myself. I scream again from the pain. Tracie is calling my name. I can hear her I just can’t focus. I’m overwhelmed. Everything I have forced into a box over the past month and a half has just crashed down on top of me.
I hear heavy footsteps. “Lucy!”
I scream again. The pain stabbing at me as I take in everything that has happened. I look around at everyone standing over me and do something I haven’t done in over six weeks.
“Jordan.” My voice is barely above a squeak, but they all hear me. Tracie starts to cry. I see Torch pulling out his phone and yelling into it.
Twisted crouches down next to me. “Luce, you need me to help you walk? Get you to the truck?”
I nod. Bracing my body for the impact. As his hands lift my body, I let out another scream my hands grasping his shirt. Tears falling fast from my eyes.
“Am I hurting you?” His voice is tight.
I shake my head. He is, but to no fault of his own. Now that I’ve started to cry, I don’t know that I can stop. I’ve opened a box that’s been closed for way too long.
The drive back to the clubhouse is fast. Twisted sits in the back with me, but keeps his distance. No one says anything to me. I think they are all scared that they will set me off.
As we pull into the lot, I see Jordan waiting. He runs toward the truck worry etched across his face. My door flies open and he moves to grab me but quickly stops himself just inches from me. I look at his face and see all of the fear, worry, and love for me he carries. I think back to how much this man has endured for me. How I have treated him, yet he still has this love for me.
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What I am about to do scares me and tears start to fall faster at the idea of doing it. I reach out my hands on either side of his face. I slowly move my face closer pressing my lips to his. He doesn’t move. After a minute, I pull away.
“I-I love you.” Sobs break through me.
“Lucy, can I take you inside?” His voice pleading with me. His hands gripping the sides of the truck.
I nod. My muscles tensing once more.
His arms wrap around me. A strangled moan escapes me and he freezes. I rest my head against his chest, my tears falling fast onto his white t-shirt. He carries me through the clubhouse into our room and places me on the bed.
Jordan stands next to the bed as I curl my knees to my chest, my arms wrapped around them. I can see his indecision as to what he should do next. “Sweets, you gotta guide me a little here.”
My eyes meet his then focus on a spot on the bed next to me trying to wordlessly communicate my wishes to him. Baby steps.
He sits down. “Take deep breaths, Luce.”
I don’t know how to handle everything rolling through me right now. I feel like my head is going to explode with it all. I don’t know how it’s possible that I forgot about what Amy had done to me. She set me up. She made me trust her.
I turn to Jordan trying to calm my breathing. He is watching me and as I look at him everything that I used to feel is there. I missed it. I turn to face him, amazed at how I could miss someone I have been seeing every day.
It scares me to let him touch me, but I can’t help wanting to touch him. Maybe that won’t be as bad. My hands cup my mouth trying to calm my sobs and get a hold of myself. After a few more minutes, I sit in front of Jordan and still want to touch him. My hand reaches out and strokes his cheek. He doesn’t move. His body rigid as if he is nervous he might scare me off.
“I can’t tell you how amazing it is to have you touch me again, Lucy. To have you kiss me. What happened? Torch called me and said you were screaming and crying like you were in pain. They didn’t know what was wrong.” He doesn’t move to touch me and I’m thankful for that. I need him to take it slow with me.
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