by Unknown
I spent the entire day in bed, wrapped up in my blankets, fighting off tears. Finally, around midnight, I broke down and called Rory.
“Ava! What’s up, Baby? I miss you,” he said, picking up after the first ring.
“Hi, Rory,” I said sheepishly. “I was just calling to see how things are.”
“Yeah, things are ok… you know same ol’ stuff.”
“So…” I continued. “How are things with Julia?”
“Really good, actually taking her out tonight for Valentine’s Day, and by the way Happy Valentine’s Day to you!”
“Yeah, sure, so how is Lauren; is she ok?”
“Lauren is fine, Ava. She misses you; we all miss you. Ari misses you. He is a mess, Ava; you should be calling him right now, not me.”
“I can’t, Roar.” Great, now I am crying. “Listen I need to get going, I hope you have a nice time tonight and um… please don’t tell him I called.”
“You know I can’t do that Ava Baby; he’s worried about you. I can’t keep something like this from him; he’d kill me.”
I hung up; I couldn’t hear any more. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands and stared down at my phone. After an hour of looking at the little black screen, I opened a text box. My fingers were shaking. I typed in “X” and then quickly hit “send” to Ari’s number before I could talk myself out of it. No less than a second later, I got a text back and all it said was “O.”
Hugging my phone to me like a security blanket, I sobbed the rest of the night.
By the time August arrived in the morning, I was not in a very pleasant mood. We sat on the couch side by side and stared defiantly at each other for a good fifteen minutes. Then August pulled up his shirtsleeve, unintentionally revealing an arm full of tattoos.
I jumped up out of my seat and grabbed his arm.
“What the hell, Ava,” he snapped. “Back off.”
Ignoring his request, I grabbed his other arm, and pulled the sleeve up, uncovering another arm full of beautifully done tattoos.
“Who did these tattoos for you?” I demanded.
“Well…” he began to answer, “I have had them done by different artists all over the place, but most recently I have been going to this guy Jake, just up the street from here.”
“Will you take me there?” I asked in a more friendly tone.
“What the hell for, Ava?”
“For those,” I said as I pointed to his arm. “I want those.”
“No way, Ava. You’re only seventeen. If your grandmother found out, I would be fired in no time.”
I shook my head and gave him a very slow, determined smile.
“If you don’t take me there now, I will see that you are fired in no time.”
“Fine,” he said pulling his shirtsleeves back down. “You are something of a psycho, you know that?”
I ignored his comment, grabbed a handful of cash and followed August out the door. We walked in silence to Jake’s place. It was an old building; and the exterior was covered in chipped black paint. We entered through a back door and went down a flight of steps into a basement. Jake was working on a guy’s shoulder when we walked in. From the looks of it, he was finishing a skull with snakes coming out of the eye sockets.
Jake stood up and stretched. “Alright, Auggie? You ‘ere for more work? Don’t really have a lot a room lef, do ya?”
August rubbed the back of his head.
“Actually Jake, this is Ava. I guess she wants something done.”
Jake looked me up and down and chewed on the inside of his cheek.
“Right, Ava, take a seat; I’ll be with chew in a bit.”
We sat down on an old couch in an adjoining room. On a table by the couch I found some paper, a pencil and some design books. I drew out what I wanted and then patiently waited. I found myself in good spirits and didn’t feel even the least bit nervous. August began to calm down and told me he forgave me for being so hardheaded. He perfected my sketch, making it look just how I had pictured it in my mind, and then he helped me with the best placement and coloring.
When the skull guy was gone, Jake came in and pointed at me. “Listen” he said, “I know you ain’t eighteen, but Auggie ‘ere’s a good chap, so I’ll do it for ‘im, but if you rat me out, your ass is mine.”
“You don’t have to worry about me,” I said with a shrug.
“Right din.”
Several hours later, I had a flock of birds taking flight up my right arm. They varied in size and their wings were positioned in different stages of flying. Four stood out among the flock. They were especially beautiful and they symbolized Perry, my mother, my father and Mia. The tattoo was my way of finally letting them go while keeping them with me at the same time.
On my left wrist, I had Jake put two, two-inch black tally marks. They symbolized the lives I had taken so far from the Kakos -- No. 1 and No. 2. I made sure that Jake left enough room on my wrist to add marks for the rest of the family that I hoped I would eventually defeat. I paid Jake and gave him a generous tip, hoping to ensure that I would be welcome back, and set off with August down the road.
“So…” I said, turning to August. “What do you think?”
“Ava, I think they’re pretty awesome. I still can’t believe you went through with it. And... wait... what’s that?” He asked. “Is that a smile?”
I shot him meanest death stare I could muster. “Shut up, August, or I will cut you.”
That night, I slept peacefully...until, that is, I stumbled upon a rather strange dream. Aggie was in it and there was something wrong with her. I entered the dream, to get a closer view, and it suddenly became very clear to me that she was dying. I began to freak out in her little hospital room. My hands were shaking with panic as I looked around for a way to save her. The clock on her wall only gave her a few hours. It was cancer. I quickly realized that it was time for me to choose her fate. As fast as I could, I took the thread of Aggie’s life and wound it up tight, just as the little old woman in the hospital had shown me so long ago. There was no way Aggie was leaving me, not now. Even though I would not admit it to her, I needed Aggie badly. I knew that sounded selfish but it was true. I placed my hand on her sleeping body and I awoke.
Why hadn’t they told me? I paced around my flat all morning, bouncing back and forth from being angry at them for not telling me, and then relieved that I had gotten to her in time.
My phone started ringing late in the evening. August was still around because of a late start that day and he was packing his things up. I snatched my phone up off the counter and saw that it was Ari. I picked up the phone but did not say anything.
“Hello? Ava?” I was wrong; it was Andy calling from Ari’s phone.
“What do you want, Andy?” I asked in a much colder tone than I thought I was capable of speaking.
“Well, uh, I just wanted to thank you. Aggie’s doctor called us all in today. I was thinking the worst, we all were, but he said that the cancer retreated overnight and there are no signs of it anywhere. I know something like this could only have been done by you, so you have my utmost gratitude.”
I started to respond, my voice getting louder by the second until I was nearly screaming through the phone.
“Why the hell didn’t anybody tell me, Andy? What complete bullshit! I could have helped her sooner! I cannot freaking believe you kept Aggie’s cancer from me.”
“We can’t just come and bother you with stuff like this,” he answered calmly. “You have your own issues to deal with…”
“Stuff like this,” I began to scream louder. “How can you even say that? The only reason I am where I am is to keep you guys alive. Letting Aggie just die completely defeats the purpose! Don’t ever do that to me ever again!”
“Um...” he paused, “I’m sorry, Ava; you’re right, of course. Would you like to speak with Ari now?”
“NO!” I yelled right before I hung up the phone.
Even though I missed Ari more than anything,
I was so terribly angry at the family for not telling me about Aggie that I knew I would not be able to speak calmly with him. In fact, I had really surprised myself by having spoken to Andy the way I did. All of the anger, pain and sadness that had been brewing inside me the last two months had mounted up. Nearly losing Aggie became my melting point.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and I heard August shuffle his papers from behind me. I jumped, having completely forgotten he was even still here.
“What was that all about?” he asked.
“What did I say about personal questions?” I snapped at him.
“Oh, come off it, Ava,” August retorted. “You know, I had hoped we could be friends. But I know absolutely nothing about you, and you know everything about me.”
“Whatever, August. I don’t know everything about you and I know what I know only because you told me, not because I asked, or even wanted to know.”
“Fine, Ava!” August grabbed his bag off the counter. Normally, I would have just let him fume out and leave for the day. He had stormed out on me numerous times before and had always come right back the next day. However, I was afraid that, left alone on this night, I would break down and do something stupid... like call Ari.
I rolled my eyes at him, “Okay, August, what do you want to know?” He had a triumphant smile plastered on his face.
“Uh, ok,” he scratched his head. “Who was that on the phone?”
I took a deep breath. “That was… that was Andy, my boyfriend’s dad, well…my ex-boyfriend’s dad.”
“Huh, so there’s a complicated boyfriend issue, is there? Is that why you’re always so nasty?”
“I haven’t been that nasty.”
August gawked at me.
“Ava, you just cussed out your boyfriend’s dad; “nasty” is a forgiving word to describe your attitude.”
“Yeah, well I guess that’s part of the reason I’ve been on edge. Ari and I haven’t talked since I moved here, apart from one very tiny text message. I thought it would be easier that way.”
“Well, has it been easier?”
“Honestly, no. Each day is harder than the last.”
“So what is lover boy going to think of those new tats?”
“I really don’t know. That’s a good question. He is all the way in California, and I don’t have any plans to go back.”
“That really sucks, Ava, I’m sorry. I wish I had comforting words to give you, but I don’t know much about relationships. But, uh, I did hear you listening to The Arctic Monkeys the other day, and I actually have tickets for Friday’s show if you’re interested; might help take your mind off things.”
My mouth hung open in shock. I couldn’t believe I had opened up for one second and he was already coming on to me. I think August could tell by the look on my face what I was thinking. He threw his palms up in a gesture of peace and quickly blurted out, “It’s not like that! I’m gay!”
“You’re gay?” I asked, having been taken completely off guard.
“Couldn’t you tell?” he laughed.
“Sorry August, I don’t sit around and play ‘is he or isn’t he.’ I’ve never even thought about it. But now that you mention it, it does make sense…and yeah, sure, I do love The Arctic Monkeys, sounds like fun.”
“Good, ‘cause Jake is busy and I really don’t want to go alone.”
“Well, I’m glad I can help, even if I am just a warm body to fill an empty seat.”
“Har, har, Ava. You know I think much more of you than that. Why else would I have hung around for so long?”
“Uh, I don’t know…maybe because you’re getting paid.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right,” he said with a smile.
That Friday, August hung around until after my exams and waited for me as I got ready for the concert. I had a hard time finding anything that still fit me. London and my stomach did not get along and I had probably lost ten pounds since I’d arrived. I hadn’t ventured too far off my tea and toast diet and my work with getting Nora ready for a marathon hadn’t helped. On top of everything else, I wasn’t sleeping regularly. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had actually felt hungry, but I am sure it was when I was still content, back in California. I finally settled on some leggings, a pair of leather boots and a long chunky sweater. August and I headed down the block to a café that we had gone to on occasion for morning coffee. I was in need of a pick-me-up, having spent another sleepless night obsessing over the fact that I had refused to talk with Ari.
The show was at The Camden Roundhouse and our seats were incredible.
“How did you get these seats? They must have cost you a fortune.”
“Ha, yeah,” August started, “actually your grandmother gave me a raise; she said it’s impressive that I have been able to stick around for as long as I have.”
This made me laugh. “Well, you deserve it.”
The show was great and August and I had a blast. One of the best parts about being me at a concert is that most people can’t stand to get close to me. August and I pushed our way to the front with ease and I created a nice space bubble, without anyone bumping into us or stepping on our toes. We sort of had our own personal concert.
When the show was over, August walked me back to my flat, talking the whole way about his own recent move to London. He had just graduated from l’Universite d’Avignon in the south of France when he found out that his boyfriend Claude had been cheating on him. August struggled to deal with the break-up and eventually realized he that needed to get away.
I listened to his story and felt guilty for having been such a complete jerk to him. Then I realized that I had no idea where August lived.
“So what area of London do you live in? Are you in Camden Town, too?”
“Well,” he began to answer, “I am kind of in-between places right now. My roommate kicked me out last month so his girlfriend could move in, so I’ve been staying on Jake’s sofa until I can find something in my price range.”
“Oh,” I said feeling even worse for him. A sudden thought popped up in my head.
“This isn’t my apartment or anything, but there are two bedrooms and I live there for free, so I wouldn’t charge you. As long as you don’t tell Margaux, you’re welcome to stay with me.”
“Seriously?” He said with a grin. “That would be awesome.”
“Yeah, seriously, it’s no big deal. Just move your things into the spare room. You’ll have to make room in the closet – the chick that lived here before me must have been really into dressing up because she left a ton of wigs and weird leather clothes behind. I would have gotten rid of it by now if I didn’t feel so unmotivated.”
“Hey, wigs and weird leather clothes don’t bother me a bit – the offer sounds great! I don’t have much, but I’ll bring it with me on Monday.”
“Sure. Umm listen, the only thing is that I scream in my sleep. Don’t wake me up and don’t ask me what it’s about.”
“Yeah, sure, ok, Ava.”
I thanked August again for the concert. He left and I made my way onto the lift and into my flat. I felt happy that August would be sharing the flat with me. I hadn’t realized how tired I had become of being alone all the time and was looking forward to having a flat mate. My spirits felt slightly lifted. I went straight to sleep and got my work done in the hospital hallway.
Chapter 18
I miss you
The weeks went by and I soon discovered that I really did like living with August. He was clean and he gave me my space. He was also easy to talk with. When I felt lonely and my heart ached for Ari, August was there for me. We got into the routine of getting coffee at Camden Bar and Kitchen. Sometimes we would walk down together and sit and do school work, but when I was feeling especially blue, and couldn’t face going out, August always offered to go fetch my java for me.
One day, when he came back with my drink, I was sitting perched up in the window seat. I didn’t even notice that he had returned until he star
ted yelling at me.
“Ava! What is wrong with you? I have been sitting here talking to you for five minutes and you haven’t said a word!”
“I’m sorry August; my mind must have been somewhere else.”
“So, what is it? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. Well, the same stuff I guess. Ari’s birthday is next week and I just want to go home.”
“So go home, Ava – go visit and then come back or something.”
“It’s not that easy, and I know if I leave here I will never come back.” I had maintained vague on the issue of why I was even in London in the first place, and he understood that the issue was not up for discussion.
“So… if you broke up with him, why do you even care?”
“I don’t know; it’s not really like that. I broke up with him because I had no other choice.”
I closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing in and out, pushing back the onslaught of tears. “You should have seen his face when I told him I had to go; it haunts my sleep at night.”
“Do you still love him?”
“You know I do.”
“Does he love you, Ava?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I think so; the selfish part of me hopes so.”
“That’s not selfish, Ava. You are an amazing person and you deserve love; quit treating yourself so poorly.”
“You think too highly of me, August. I am being selfish by keeping you here with me. If you were smart you’d leave, and if I were the nice person you think I am, I would send you away for good.”
“I have said it before, and I will say it again, you are a complete psycho, Ava, but I love you. And I don’t think you can just ignore his birthday. So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I have no ideas. Nothing I could give Ari would be good enough.”
August grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my seat.
“I have a great idea, but first you need to do something with yourself. You look like shit, my dear. I love you, but you are in desperate need of a shower and a comb.”
