“You’re not though, I wish you’d stop saying that,” he said, squeezing back and looking into her eyes. “You’re an incredibly strong woman.”
“If I was strong, why did it take me so long to get away?” she replied, sighing and feeling the familiar wave of defeat wash over her, sapping her strength.
“You left when you could. There’s no shame in that. You left when you knew you had to,” he replied and pulled her close against him, into his arms.
She sighed and melted, felt the pinched anxiety she carried with her drain from her body, leaving only the warmth of his concern and caring.
“This scares me,” she whispered against his chest. He reached up and he tangled his fingers in her thick curls, rested his hand on the back of her head as if claiming her. It felt so good that it terrified her. It felt secure and comforting and that meant only one thing to her.
That it could all be taken away at any time.
For the last decade or so, every time she relaxed herself and forgot her surroundings, all hell would break loose. Tom would get drunk or she’d fuck up and he’d explode.
She felt David’s heart pounding in his chest, reminding her of how strong and dependable he was. And how much he felt, it beat almost in time with hers and matched the ferocity.
“It shouldn’t scare you,” he murmured into her hair. “I only want to protect you and the kids. I want to make sure you never feel fear again, Abbey.”
“I know,” she replied quietly. “And that’s what makes you so good. But sometimes I feel like I've gotten myself trapped here, in my mind. Like I'm at the edge of a huge cliff and I can't find the safe way down."
"You don't need to find it, Abbey, I'm here. Just jump, I'll catch you."
She felt him pull back and look down at her. She dared to look up and felt herself falling into the deep pools of his eyes. They were so sincere, her heart ached for him.
He bent forward to kiss her and a sharp spike of panic jolted through her limbs, making her jerk out of his arms and jump back a step. She looked up at him, terror streaking her face.
"I can't, I just can't." Her voice choked with a sob and she turned and ran back into the house, leaving him standing by his truck with a distraught look on his face.
She had broken him and she couldn't help herself. She had done the one thing she never wanted, she had dragged him into her world and she'd hurt him because of it.
She slammed the door behind her and leaned against it, her beating heart and rapid breath betraying how much she wanted him, how much she’d wanted that kiss.
She heard his truck engine fire up and the crunch of wheels on gravel as he left.
And she hated that she’d run from him, from David, and Abby knew then she had to keep him even farther away or risk hurting him even more.
She was damaged goods and he was too good for her.
Tom’s voice was strong in her mind as she went to bed with images of him in her head.
She had nightmares that night.
Chapter 6
Abbey knew David wouldn’t give up easily, so she steeled herself against his inevitable texts and phone calls. She couldn’t let herself be broken down, she needed to stand strong against her growing desires. She let a few days go by before replying, and even then it was perfunctory and friendly, but not flirty in the least.
Tom still hadn’t tried to contact her, so she made an appointment in town to see a lawyer while the kids were at school.
It wasn’t as bad as she’d expected, and she felt a little embarrassed that she’d assumed J. L. Robinson would be a man. J in fact stood for Joanne, and Joanne assured Abbey that she had a good case in spite of not going to the police or going in for medical attention all those times she’d been beaten.
Abbey left the appointment feeling like she had a chance at freedom, a chance at breaking away from Tom.
It felt good.
She decided to drive to the Co-op and drop off her resume in spite of it being just a few sentences long. Being a stay at home mother and wife to Tom had meant she’d done nothing since high school graduation and had never held a real job.
Abbey was less than thrilled to find the red headed girl from last week behind the counter again. “Hi there, I saw you had a job opening,” she smiled and clutched her sparse resume. “Could I get an application?”
“We don’t have an application, you talk to Rick, the owner, and he’ll decided,” she replied and looked me up and down. “I’m sure you’ll be fine though, let me call him out.”
She went to the back and returned shortly after with a whip thin old cowboy type, but the kind of guy who didn’t wrangle cows, he only wore the clothes. His eyes were watery blue and his smile made her immediately uncomfortable.
“Well hello there,” he said as he extended his hand. “Samantha here tells me you’re looking for work.”
“I saw your post,” she replied and shook it limply, pulling it back as soon as she could.
“We need a part time cashier, just somebody up here during the day. Will your husband be okay with that?”
Samantha sidled around the counter and stood behind it as she watched them. Abbey had the distinct feeling that Rick was gauging her hireablility based on that one question. She didn’t want to lie, but she didn’t want to tell him she was single either. There was something in her gut telling her to keep it from him.
“Oh of course,” she said coolly, keeping my gaze level on him as she lied. “I can work during the day while the kids are at school and that’s it though, he wouldn’t be pleased with me not being around for them.”
“That’s understandable, kids need their mother,” Rick said, letting the smile drop from his mouth as he raked his eyes up and down her body. She could feel the weight of his judgment and it made her shudder inside. “So when can you start?”
“Don’t you want to see my resume?” she asked, holding up the folded paper. She hadn’t realized how nervous she’d been, it was crumpled under her anxious fingers.
“I’ve seen enough,” Rick said suggestively. “The pay is minimum wage with some benefits after your three month trial period. You get a discount on animal feed and some farm supplies, but not pesticides or fertilizers. A lot of farmers send there wives her for the discount on chemicals, but I ain’t having it.”
“That’s not my intention,” she replied, leveling her gaze to meet him in the eye. She had a sneaking suspicion he was the kind of guy who would prey upon her weakness if she showed him any. He reminded her of Tom, and that was never a good thing.
“Good. You can start tomorrow. Be here at eight forty five and Sam can get you set up,” Rick said and stalked away before she could say thank you.
“Well, looks like we’ll be working together,” Abbey gushed to Sam, unable to contain her excitement.
“Looks like,” Sam replied and lifted a brow in contempt. Abbey hoped the red headed girl would grow to like her, or at the very least be decent to work with.
She practically skipped outside to the old truck, climbed into the driver’s seat and started to dial David. He was the first person she thought of to share her good news with, but she decided against it.
It was too soon after she’d almost given in and kissed him. It was too soon and too complicated to bring him into her world just yet.
Abbey opted to turn the phone off and head back into town for a fancy coffee at her favorite place instead. Now that she had an income, she could dip into the savings a little, and five bucks wasn’t going to break the bank.
She found parking and stood in line, the place was packed and the hum of her fellow townsfolk filled her ears and made her feel connected to the place again. She’d been away for long enough and had been so traumatized by Tom that she’d felt as though she’d been sleepwalking since she got back.
She took her coffee, a tall Americano, to the side for cream and sugar. She was about to leave when she heard her name being called. She scanned the back of the coffee shop for th
e source.
Julia, a mom from school, was waving like mad at her. Abbey smiled and headed to the table packed with other school moms. She normally would have balked at such a thing, but she was feeling good today and decided poking her head out of her shell was a good thing.
Besides, she needed somebody to share her good news with before she burst with excitement.
“Wow, we haven’t seen you in here before,” Julia said with a friendly smile and offered a chair next to her.
Abbey sat and said, “I usually hide out on the farm but needed something dark and loaded with caffeine today.”
Julia introduced Abbey to the other moms, four of them in total. There was Ronnie, Selena, Ashley and Megan.
“I guess this makes us the Six Musketeers now,” Megan grinned when the introductions were over.
“Here, here,” Selena agreed and the women tipped their mugs as if toasting. Abbey joined in and felt lighter than she had in years.
“So did you hear the big news about Principal McAdams?” Ronnie whispered and the six women leaned into the center of the table. “Apparently he was caught red handed with their babysitter in a very compromising position, if you know what I mean.”
“Oh my god, what a pig,” Megan whispered back.
The other women agreed and Abbey felt fantastic being able to discuss somebody else’s pain for once. As much as she felt for McAdam’s wife, she’d been in that position enough times with Tom, deflecting gossip off of her felt like she was normal again. Just one of the girls.
“So what were you doing in town today?” Julia asked after several minutes of conversation about everything from unfair grading practices at the kids’ school all the way to the hot new doctor at the Riverview medical clinic.
“I had a job interview,” she told them. “And I got the job.”
“That’s awesome! Where?” Megan asked.
“The Co-op,” Abbey smiled. “I start tomorrow.”
“So you’re not going to be a regular in our coffee gossip club?” Ronnie pouted.
“I’m sorry, I need to make money,” Abbey replied. “I’m a single mom now.”
“That’s awesome news then. I mean Rick is a bit of an old pervert, but he respects a strong woman,” Selena told her. “You just have to be clear about your boundaries.”
“That’s good to know, he gave off kind of a weird vibe today but it’s nice to have a job. Especially one I can do while the kids are in school,” Abbey replied.
“Oh my god,” Selena whispered harshly and grabbed Julia’s arm. “There’s Officer McHottie.”
“Is it? Where? Oh my god, where?” Ronnie whispered back with a giggle.
All five women craned their necks and all converged on the line up at the counter.
Abbey followed their gazes and realized with a start who they were talking about. David was standing in line with another older officer. He was wearing his uniform and looked even better than ever. Abbey had forgotten how good he looked in uniform.
“He is so hot I almost feel like stealing something just to get him to frisk me,” Julia snickered.
“I’ll bet he has a dangerous weapon in his pants,” Selena laughed. “Too bad he’s such a player. I don’t think he’s ever been with the same woman twice.”
Abbey cringed at that, but listened as they made suggestive jokes about David. She couldn’t peel her eyes off him. He seemed to be making small talk with his partner and completely oblivious to the hungry glances from women all around him.
“Oh, who’s the lucky girl?” Julia asked as a slight blonde woman sidled up to David and greeted him brightly.
“I’d like to be her,” Selena laughed lightly. David put his arm around the girl’s shoulders and gave her a quick squeeze. “Imagine having Officer McHottie grab you like that, oh my god.”
Abbey narrowed her eyes and instantly hated the blonde. She knew it wasn’t rational, but her jealousy flared angry and hot and beyond her control.
She stood abruptly and set her mug down. “What’s going on?” Julia asked and looked up at Abbey.
“I just decided I need a muffin,” she replied calmly and walked towards the line.
David spotted her immediately and stepped out of line to greet her. “Abbey, what are you doing here?”
“Just having some coffee with the girls,” Abbey replied and indicated the table she just left. “What are you doing?”
“I’m here getting a quick snack before we’re back on patrol,” David said. “This is Fred, my partner, and his daughter Katie.”
Abbey felt the jealousy deflate inside of her, it fluttered out and she smiled at the blonde and her father. “Pleased to meet you,” she said.
“And you,” Fred told her with a broad smile. “David talks non stop about you.”
“I need to get back to class, can I get that five dollars, Dad?” Katie asked, interrupting the conversation. It was then that Abbey realized she was a teenager. She felt silly again, like she had over Marta. She couldn’t keep getting worked up over David, especially if she was going to stick with her choice to keep him as a friend only.
Fred handed his daughter some money and Katie took off without saying goodbye to any of them. Abbey smiled at Fred and said, “I remember being that age, oh to be that carefree again.”
“I remember you at that age too,” David replied. “You were never that carefree, Abbey. You had the weight of the world on your shoulders by the time I knew you.”
“I had your dead weight, thinking that I was carrying you through high school all that time,” Abbey laughed.
“That is true,” he smiled and glanced at Fred. “I had convinced Abby back then that I needed her help as my private tutor.”
“Ah, I’m sue he was at your place every day, the eager student,” Fred chuckled.
“That he was,” Abbey laughed, and looked at David with a newfound appreciation. Of course she’d always admired and loved David in her way, but the easy way he had introducing her to his friends and his world made her feel included at a time she needed it most.
They chatted for a few more minutes before David and Fred needed to get back to work. Abbey walked back to the table and allowed herself to bask in the admiration of the other moms.
She felt somewhat like a rock star, and it wasn’t such a bad thing.
Chapter 7
Abbey slid through the first couple weeks at the Co-op like she’d worked there forever. It had taken a bit of getting used to on the first day, trying to count back customer’s change and trying to remember whether the laying ration chicken feed was better than the high protein corn ration.
But she surprised herself by being a fast learner, catching onto the cash system and their inventory in record time, according to Rick. Even if he was being a bit of a lecherous old creep when he told her, she’d take it as a compliment and run as fast as she could to the front counter to get away from him.
David had come over the day after she’d started work. He’d brought a celebration ice cream cake from Dairy Queen, the kind that most adults didn’t like but the kids went crazy when they saw it.
It had been a nice visit, nothing too weird, and ended with David promising to take them all fishing some time soon.
Abbey was relieved and maybe just a little saddened by the fact that he hadn’t pursued her harder once she’d backed off.
But work and kids and keeping them busy on the weekends and somewhat managed to keep her mind off David.
She hated that her life had been reduced to this, pining for a man who clearly wanted her but too terrified to let anything happen.
Time slipped through her fingers like a little fish, wiggling away as it does when you have children and a job and are doing your best to forget about the man you should stay away from.
You’re not good enough for a man like that.
Work helped pass the time, and the kids took care of the rest. She kept busy helping Dad with the farm, getting it ready for winter when the snow would fly
and blanket everything with a few feet of the white stuff.
David was gently and persistent though, but his contact was slowing down as he got the hint.
Although she wasn’t deliberately sending him hints, she was fighting her own battle. On one side, every cell in her body ached for David. She wanted him to not take no for an answer and pursue her whole heartedly.
And on the other, she had Tom’s voice whispering in the back of her head that everything she touched would turn to shit. Every man she loved would abuse her and leave her dried up and alone.
The two sides of her felt so at odds that sometimes it was exhausting.
And she didn’t know how to get off the cycle of thoughts. She didn’t know how to stop them all and find the calmness inside that would tell her which direction she should go.
And if she was being honest and listened to that inside gut feeling, when all was quiet in the house and Tom’s voice had silenced…she knew which way it told her.
It told her to run to David, repair her past and set her life on the path she had always meant to travel.
By being with David, she could heal them both and complete their lives. That being apart was stupid now, they were two broken halves of a whole, and coming together would complete them both.
But fear was a powerful motivator, and Tom’s voice would always wake up, slither up the back of her spine and flick its forked tongue in her ear.
You’re not good enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough. He will leave you and you will end up destroyed with nothing. Nobody will ever love you again.
Finally the only way she could silence it was to sleep, and work, and keep herself constantly distracted…from the voice and the ache deep in her body for David.
About a month into her work at the Co-op, her lawyer called her in for an appointment.
Abbey felt bile rise in the back of her throat when she climbed the stairs to the office. She shivered in the autumn weather and from the fear gripping her heart in its icy grasp.
She waited until Joanne called her in, settled into the chair on shaking legs, and waited for the bad news.
The Way Down Page 5
