A Passionate Discovery (Self-Discovery Series)

by Brooke, T

  Still angry and hurt she made her way out to the main room. “That won’t ever happen again, Sir,” she told Jason, her voice almost whisper soft because she couldn’t summon the energy to speak louder

  Jason put down his glass and looked over at Carla, seeing the pain in her beautiful eyes he nodded. He was not about to argue with her, not when he wasn’t willing to allow another man to touch her ever again.

  “I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to put tonight behind me. I’m not blaming you, Sir, but I can’t be that person.” She couldn’t blame him, she thought to herself, she could have used her safe word and stopped the whole thing before it went too far, but she could be angry at him for putting her in that situation to begin with.

  “It’s a hard limit for you.” It wasn’t a question; it was obvious the situation was a hard limit for both of them.

  “If that means I will never do it again and expect you to never ask it of me, then yes, Sir, it’s a hard limit.” She spoke without emotion, too drained for that. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and try and forget what had happened for a few hours.

  He didn’t like the way she was just then; the lack of emotion was what he wanted from his women, but it was the opposite of what he had come to expect from his Carla and he found it disturbing. It was ironic, he thought, the one thing he wanted she was now giving him, emotional distance, and he hated it. “Understood,” he said with a nod, not sure how to deal with what he had brought out in her; it worried him to see her like that but he didn’t have a clue how to deal with it.

  As he studied her blank face he wondered if he should call Scarlett and get her to see if she could help. He balked at the idea though; he wasn’t sure that Scarlett would be able to help her friend, and he knew if she found out what had happened she would condemn him, and rightly so. He had no desire to deal with that so he pushed aside the thought of disturbing Scarlett.

  “I’d really like to sleep now, Sir.” She just couldn’t deal with anything else then, her emotions were too overwhelming and her mind was struggling to come to grips with what she’d done. She felt the need to escape for a while, and could only hope that when she woke things would be clearer.

  “Go to sleep, Carla, I’ll join you soon.” He needed some time to get his own mind in order, to sort through the unfamiliar feelings that were throwing him off-balance.

  For a moment she looked as though she was going to refuse to have him join her in the bed, and a part of him knew he wouldn’t blame her if she did. After a momentary hesitation though she turned and made her way into the bedroom, her head lowered in defeat. He watched her walk away, saddened to see her like that, the more so because he knew it was his fault. When the door closed he slammed his hand down on the bar, cursing his stupidity for allowing that night to go ahead.

  The moment she closed her eyes Carla saw the scene from earlier, it ran through her mind like a film strip. A horror film she couldn’t turn off. Tears slipped from her eyes as she rolled over to face the wall and silently she wept.

  Minutes later, or it could have been hours, her mind was lost in its own turmoil and she had no idea of the time, she felt Jason join her in the bed. She stiffened as he pulled her against him and wanted to shove him away, but knew she wouldn’t be able to; he was so much stronger than her. As upset as she was, she finally relaxed and allowed sleep to claim her.

  Tomorrow, Jason though as he held her slender form, they could fix the mess he’d made of things by moving faster than she was ready for. And never again would he allow another man to touch her. Those were the last thoughts to run through his mind as sleep found him.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  After ordering from room service, Jason brought Carla breakfast in bed. When he saw she was still asleep, no doubt exhausted after the previous night’s events, he thought, he quietly placed the tray on the bedside table so as not to disturb her.

  He was going to leave the room but found himself entranced by watching her sleep. It seemed as if he had thought it a hundred times already since he met her, but he had never seen her look more beautiful. The pain and anguish that had marred her features the night before were gone and she looked at peace, as he wished her to look all the time.

  As he watched her he thought about what he had planned for that night. He had made the arrangements before the events of the previous night but now he wanted to just stop the entire game. He couldn’t stop it; as much as he wanted to he knew he couldn’t bring himself to stop the ten nights before they were finished. He could alter them though, and make them easier for her to deal with.

  He knew he couldn’t bear the thought of another man’s hands on his Carla, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t watch her control a man. He believed it was exactly what she needed just then, to be the one in control, to be the Mistress and give orders to a submissive. Not only would it help her to have total control over a situation for a change, it would show him whether she had a dominant side that he could bring out.

  Briefly it crossed his mind that she might order the submissive to pleasure her. That thought sent a surge of anger and jealousy through him, which he quickly quashed, not at all happy at his loss of focus. He didn’t think she would, not after the events of the night before, but if she did, well the decision was hers, he thought, driving his feelings away.

  Doing his best to consider the situation rationally he decided that he needed to finish out the ten nights, not just for Carla’s sake, but for his own. If he stopped them now, because of the feelings he was developing, then he would look weak in her eyes; he would no longer be the dominant one in their relationship and he was not prepared to accept being the weaker of them. He was the one in control, he always had been when it came to women, and he was determined that he always would be.

  Rolling over in bed Carla’s eyes popped open. They were too sleep-filled for her to see much but after blinking and rubbing them she noticed Jason, who was leaning against the wall by the window. She was still upset after what had happened, though she wasn’t sure whether she was more upset with him or with herself, but the sight of his beautiful body, illuminated by the sunshine pouring in through the window, still took her breath away.

  Pulling her gaze away from him she noticed the tray of food on the bedside table. Her stomach rumbled at the aroma of the food and she hurried to push herself into a sitting position so she could lift the tray onto her lap.

  Her movements pulled Jason from his thoughts and he gave her a warm smile. “I thought you might be hungry,” he said.

  “Thank you, Sir, I am,” she replied, not looking at him. Instead she focused on the food before her, starting her breakfast with the eggs. She didn’t know what to say to him that wouldn’t start an argument, and she didn’t have the energy for that just then, so she ignored him.

  The deliberate way she avoided looking at him was a knife in his gut, it told him she still wasn’t over what had happened, but he’d hoped she would at least show a little more emotion this morning. Her voice remained as blank and emotionless as it had when she spoke to him before going to bed. “I have meetings today, so I will be back late.” He had a deadline to meet since they were leaving the next day, if he hadn’t he would have cancelled his meetings to spend the day with her and attempt to work things out. Leaving her while she was still like that didn’t sit well with him.

  “I hope your meetings are productive, Sir.” She continued eating, relieved that he would be gone for the day, time away from him would be good, she thought.

  Sighing Jason pushed away from the wall. He was already behind schedule after staying to watch her sleep and much as he wanted to stay he knew he couldn’t afford to. “I’ll see you at six tonight, Carla, please be dressed to go out,” he said, hoping the civility would have an effect on her, it didn’t. He felt a dull ache in his gut as he made for the door.

  Carla waited until Jason had left the room and then set the tray back on the nightstand. The food was only lukewarm and it tasted like ashes in he
r mouth, though the aroma has aroused her appetite it had disappeared again almost immediately.

  Sitting in the bed, her head resting against the wall behind her, she wallowed in her misery; knowing she had to come to some decision about their relationship. Either she was going to figure out a way to live with what had happened, or she wouldn’t; if she couldn’t she would have to walk away. She knew she would suffer if she walked away but was sure she would get over Jason eventually.

  Making a decision she reached for her phone to call Scarlett. She was relieved when her friend answered on the second ring and quickly invited her to the beach, hoping some time with her friend would ease the despair she was drowning in.

  When Scarlett agreed to the beach trip Carla got out of bed and quickly washed and did her teeth. Returning to the bedroom she pulled on a bikini, one of the ones she had arrived on the island with, not the string sort she had bought at Jason’s behest. She didn’t care right then if Jason would have insisted she wear the string bikini, she felt too exposed in them and just then wasn’t in the mood to do something just because it was what Jason would have wanted her to do.

  The last thing she did was throw a bottle of sunscreen and some water into her bag and grab a towel; that done she left the room and went to Scarlett’s.

  Scarlett had no idea what was going on, but having heard the pain in her best friend’s voice during their short conversation she hurried to get dressed. She knew how intense Jason could be, and guessed he was the reason for Carla’s unhappiness.

  When she opened the door and saw her friend her heart was broken. It was apparent that whatever had happened the previous night, and she had no idea what that was, had been a deal breaker. “What the hell happened, hon?” Pulling her friend into her arms she held her tight.

  It was a few moments before Carla felt able to speak; she simply stood there, clutching at her friend, trying to hold back the tears she felt. “How much do you know about Jason’s ten night plan?” she asked when she felt calmer.

  “Nothing, I told you, I turned down his offer to train me.” Seeing the state her friend was in she decided she had been sensible in doing so.

  Pulling out of her friend’s arms Carla nodded in understanding. “Let’s go down to the beach, enjoy the salt air and talk, okay?” Right then the thing she wanted most was to relax in the sun and try to put the previous night behind her.

  “Of course, honey.” Picking up her beach bag Scarlett motioned for Carla to lead the way and together they walked out the door. From the way her friend was acting she was sure it was going to be one hell of a conversation.

  They made their way out of the hotel and down to the beach, located a couple of beach chairs, set them up and applied sunscreen, all without talking. An island man, wearing the hotel’s insignia on his shirt, appeared almost immediately to inquire if they wanted drinks; Scarlett ordered for both of them and the moment he was gone she turned to her friend. “Okay, what happened, Carla?”

  Carla was more embarrassed than she’d ever been, but knew if she couldn’t talk to Scarlett there was no one else she could turn to. “Jason introduced me to a male friend of his last night.” She wasn’t sure she could even say what had happened, it was so humiliating.

  “Um, okay, was he a nice guy?” Scarlett wasn’t sure what meeting one of Jason’s friends had to do with her friend looking and sounding so miserable. As Carla covered her face with her hands she realized just what her friend meant. “You mean you met met one of Jason’s friends?” she asked, wanting to be sure she had grasped things properly.

  Nodding her head Carla kept back her tears by sheer willpower.

  “Oh, honey,” Scarlett sighed, “you were so not ready for that. What the hell was he thinking?” She was pissed, what kind of idiot was Jason, doing such a thing.

  “I just let it happen, Scarlett.” She couldn’t prevent the waterworks any longer, she felt like the biggest slut that had ever walked the planet.

  Crossing to her friend’s chair Scarlett took Carla in her arms and held her. “It’s okay, honey, everything’s going to be okay. It’s something that some Dom’s enjoy, but he should never have moved so fast with you.” Just then she wanted to slap Jason for not using his brain, and for putting Carla through such an experience. He knew Carla had never been with another man before him, how was she supposed be ready to deal with such an experience so soon?

  “You’ve done it?” Carla asked, shocked. She knew Scarlett had had her share of lovers, but she had never thought about her being with more than one man at a time.

  “A few times, honey, but only after years of experience with men.” She couldn’t even imagine doing something like that less than a week after first having sex of any kind. It had taken her five years to get comfortable enough with her own sexuality to want something like that, and another year to find someone she trusted with her fantasy.

  Wiping her eyes Carla looked up at Scarlett, shocked. “How did you, well you know, not feel like you were a horrible woman? Didn’t you feel like a slut?” She didn’t want to offend her friend, but at that moment that was how she felt about herself.

  “I never claimed to be an angel, sweetie.” She grinned as she stood up. “I enjoy sex, always have; as far as I am concerned, as long as I enjoy what I do, and it isn’t hurting anyone, then anything is fair game.”

  “I just feel dirty, Scarlett.” Pulling her knees up she wrapped her arms around them and laid her cheek on them.

  “All this is so new to you, honey. I remember what it was like for me in the beginning. Hell, you’re not only new to this way of life; you’re coming into it in a strange way, with a man who obviously isn’t thinking about how inexperienced you are.” Once again she was pissed as hell at Jason, she had thought he was experienced enough as a Dom to handle the situation better than he was.

  “I could have said no, he isn’t the one to blame here.” Carla didn’t know why she was defending him, he had pushed her into it, but at twenty-four she knew she was old enough to take her share of the blame for any decisions she made, no matter how bad they might be.

  “Jason isn’t an easy man to say no to, Carla.”

  “I just don’t know what to do now. I told him that would never happen again and he agreed, but what’s going to happen on these next four nights? Nothing could be worse than what took place last night, can it?”

  “You have to make a decision here, sweetie. Either speak up when something is too overwhelming or walk away. Those are really the only two choices you have with Jason.”

  The conversation died for a short while as the waiter appeared with their pina coladas. Scarlett charged them to her room and then the two of them sat there sipping at the cocktails

  “He changed the rules last night, Scarlett, he told me if I walked away from any of the ten nights then things were over.”

  “Wow, he really said that?” If she was pissed off before, it was nothing to how Scarlett felt then. Now she wanted to kill Jason. “I really think you should consider walking away, honey,” she said. It was clear that Jason couldn’t deal with her friend the way her inexperience required. “If you still want to explore this lifestyle, well we can find you someone more suitable; someone who will pay more attention to your needs.”

  “Scarlett, I love him.” She knew her friend didn’t want to hear that, but it was the truth.

  “Honey, sex isn’t love. I know he was your first, and okay, that’s a huge deal, but this isn’t healthy for you. Look at how miserable you are. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel that way.”

  “The thought of walking away from him rips my heart open, Scarlett. I know sex isn’t love, and I know love shouldn’t make you hurt like this, but I can’t change what I feel.”

  “Well you know my feeling on this; you should walk away now, before walking away is no longer an option. I just don’t like this side of you he’s bringing out.” She wanted to rip Jason’s balls off and stick them down his throat, that way he wouldn’t be able
to hurt her friend again, but she knew it was a decision Carla had to make for herself.

  “A few more nights, Scarlett,” Carla said, closing her eyes and sighing. “I’m going to go through with them. If I can’t stand myself after that I’ll leave.” It was all she could do, she thought miserably, even if she couldn’t have him forever she would at least build up as many memories of him as she could.

  “What worries me is there might not be much of YOU left when these ten nights are over. Look at what he’s done to you already.” Scarlett really didn’t enjoy seeing her headstrong friend weakened by a man. She enjoyed being a submissive, and had for years, but it wasn’t a defining characteristic of her life; Daniel knew she only liked him to be in control in the bedroom, in all other aspects of their life they were partners. Carla was unlikely to have that opportunity with Jason, for him the lifestyle was everything.

  “I’m a big girl, Scarlett.” Carla grinned in an effort to lighten the mood now that her decision was made. “I’ll be fine.”

  “I hope you’re right, hon, I’d hate to have to open up a can of whoop ass on Jason Portland’s ass.” Shaking her head she knew it was a waste of time to argue with her friend. When Carla made up her mind about something she rarely budged; at least that part of her friend’s attitude was still intact, she thought.

  Their talking out of the way they enjoyed the rest of their morning at the beach, relaxing under the sun as they alternated between tanning themselves and swimming in the surf. When lunchtime arrived they returned to the hotel and ordered from room service, enjoying their food on the veranda, where they could continue to tan themselves.