by Elaine Allen
My mom and Mitchell come over, and Tyree’s eyes pop of his head. “Did you know, Aunt Nic?!” Tyree loudly exclaims, finally letting my uncle go with a disgusted shove.
“Know what? Baby, what’s going on?” my mom inquires. Reading the distress on her face, I can tell she's upset just because he's upset.
“Did you know that he was supposed to be my dad?” he asks, flat out.
“I— Of course, I didn’t know. Who told you that?” she denies.
“Babe, calm down,” Bri coaxes him. My heart is pounding in my chest. I'm as unsettled as he is. “Let’s go outside,” she suggests .
I'm on their heels as they start to walk out of the hall, but Carter catches my hand and tugs to me him. “So, all your exes come to family members’ funeral services?”
Fuck me. I sigh. “Carter, one moment. Let me go check on Tyree, and I'll come right back.”
The rigid back and hard eyes already inform me that he is not about to be dismissed and that Justin's presence requires an explanation, regardless of the fact that my family is in despair. But I try anyway. “Just a couple of minutes to make sure he's okay,” I try to persuade him.
He raises his brows and shakes his head, not budging an inch in favor of me sidelining or tabling this discussion.
Okay… okay… Whew. And here we go. “Carter, I’m sorry. I neglected to tell you that Justin and I are still friends. We have never slept together. He is married with a brand new baby. His wife is one of my good friends, and he came here today to emotionally support me and the family. I— I fucking forgot with everything going on.”
The frown that he is sporting starts to deepen as my words set in. “So, let me get this straight. You’re still friends with the side nigga that I caught you with ten years ago?”
Deeper breath, more patience. “Yes. But it isn't like that. Let me introduce you,” I offer.
Prematurely, I assume that Carter would understand. It made sense in my mind. In some convoluted way, I even justified it and am willing to brush aside his concerns for the larger picture. Justin's presence here has absolutely nothing to do with us, what we have, whatever we’re building.
Here I am praying for patience while he is losing what he has left of his. “Nawl, I'm good.” And without another word, Carter turns abruptly and walks away, leaving me standing there.
Heart beating painfully, I watch him walk out of the double doors of the hall and possibly my life, for good.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes. My mind is racing. My concern for Ty is overshadowed by my own issues. He isn’t going to walk out on me again, not after everything we’ve gone through to reconcile.
Just give him a moment, the calmer side of me advises when I want to stalk after him and demand that he listen. “What just happened?” Justin inquires, interrupting my inner turmoil.
At the sound of his voice, my eyes open and I lean my head back to stretch my neck and back. “The shit with your cousin sounds a lil fucked up, but I’m definitely talking about your boy,” Justin says. “That was HIM, right?”
He remembers him. “Yes.”
Carter is the only person who isn’t aware of exactly how important he has been to me. How devastated I had been when it was all over, said, and done. How heartbroken I had been.
“Well, he damn sure ain’t happy to see me here. I'm sorry, Lieas. I didn’t realize that you and the boah had reconnected.”
Nerves tangle. I'm counting seconds in my head to give him the appropriate amount of time before I go after him. “It just happened this week,” I laugh stupidly, matching how I feel inside.
“Look. That man is mad, and I can kinda understand it. If one of Dej’s old niggas show up somewhere important, it’s the fuck on. Give him a minute.”
“Why are y’all so stubborn, though?” The rising heat won’t allow me to reason.
“Jealousy is distributed pretty evenly among sexes. I'll go have a word with him for you to clear up any misunderstandings. And I’m out.” Justin kisses my forehead.
“Thank you, Jus. But that won't be necessary,” I reply. “It’ll be okay.”
Justin squeezes my arms and shakes his head. “I’ma go talk to him. I would hate for him to miss out on you over a misunderstanding.”
My entire life has been a result of misunderstandings, manifested and played out in separations.
Love got me fuuuuucked up. My follow-up and execution freaking sucks. Maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe none of it is and maybe there is no happy ending for me.
I'm tired. No quips or witty thoughts come to mind as I allow the fatigue of this entire week settle over me and saddle its heavy weight on my heart.
I give him a half smile. “I'll call you” And thanks again for coming.” I embrace him.
I look around for my family, realizing that they all must have went outside to calm Tyree down. I peep an empty corner and go over to sit so I can wallow in self-pity for a moment. And the second I close my eyes, someone starts talking.
“I’m not the arguing type. I'm not loud or rowdy, and I don't want to fight,” Deidra starts. “I love Carter.”
In all honesty, I had checked for her ass one time during the service. She was the shoulder Ms. Sheila had leaned on all day.
And now, here she is, standing before me, dressed in an all-black curve-hugging pantsuit that and heels. I realize that she is pretty enough, her body is built thick; all the extra was in the right places, just the way I remember him liking his women.
I nod my head. I even understand. But… “I love him more,” I declare.
I watch intently as she digests my statement. There is no mistaking that she believes me and expresses it on her face as her smile dims and lips tighten in response.
“There's been this part of him that has always been off limits. When I first met him, he was open and ready for love. Then he shut down. I didn’t catch the signs. I was too busy dreaming of forever with him and all the while he… he was dreaming of you.”
I’m not in the mood for speeches or other people's feelings or opinions when it comes to the man I love or my involvement in why something isn't happening for them.
“Deidra, I don’t know you. But I love Carter and have loved him for a very, very long time. Hell, I thought I would never see him again,” I confess.
“You broke his heart,” she accuses.
Defiantly, I lift my chin. I’ll own that even as I wonder just how much information he divulged about our relationship.
“Carter told me that he told you I was the one. You should respect that.”
She shifted her body weight and placed both hands on her hips. “No, honey, you should respect that.”
“Excuse me?”
“I heard what happened just now. I was listening and let me give you some words from the wise…”
Thirty-Nine
Carter
Eight days. Eight short days, my mind chants as I walk to the door, hoping to remind myself to calm down. It’s only eight days. Eight mind—changing, life-altering days, Alieas—filled days.
My love for her makes me crazy. I actually feel out of my damn mind. I hate to walk away. She invited her ex— not just any ex, but the dude I caught her with— to her father's funeral. To a place she knew I would be. Maybe she figured I wouldn’t remember boah. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s exactly what she said, and it was a slip of the memory. I flag the reasoning notion.
I can still remember walking into her apartment and finding them there hugged up on the couch like it was yesterday.
I was rushing, damn near sweating, even though it was the dead of winter. I had a set of keys to her spot and the downstairs door. I had tried calling her to let her know what was up, but she wasn't answering her cell phone. It kept going to voicemail. I imagine Lieas being thoroughly pissed enough that she'd blocked me. I had tried the house phone as well to no avail.
I was rushing— I was out of sorts. Bug had an asthma attack at the end of Toya's visit to my parents’,
so we had ended up rushing her to the hospital. They were able to control her breathing and had administered a treatment with the nebulizer. And while I was talking to the doctors, Toya was holding my phone and shit.
When I called Lieas, I saw that she had called me and that the call had been answered. And it hadn't been answered by me. I was fuming and quickly put Toya in her place about answering my telephone. There was no telling what Lieas was thinking, so I knew I had to get to her that night. Once Bug was stabilized, they released her, and I finished with Toya’s hateful ass and then took Bug home. My mom said she would stay at my house so she could keep an eye out for her while I ran out to get Lieas, to bring her home with me and Bug where she belonged.
Apologies and explanations were ripe on my lips as I ran everything over in my mind as I rode the elevator up to her fifth-floor apartment. I already assumed that Alieas would be tripping over Toya answering my phone and shit. I was praying that she'd calmed down by the time I arrived because we needed to resolve our issues, put everything out there.
She's everything I ever wanted. We had to put this drawn-out disagreement over her parents out of our relationship and just focus on us.
I let myself in with the set of keys she’d given to me and stepped inside. Looking down, I notice a pair of shoes, their presence immediately had me scanning the room. My eyes must have been playing tricks ‘cause all I could make out in the door was two figures on the couch, hugged up. Frowning, I step completely into the living room. I halt in my tracks. Frozen.
My heart tightens in my chest and rolls over with hurt as I make out Alieas in the arms of some guy.
Anger is building to full outrage as I stand still, silently taking in the situation. Neither one of them moves as I close in on them to inspect the sight before me.
She got on my fuckin’ ball shorts, anger adds. Killer instinct start to suggest that I rip them apart, fuck something up. The calm, rational me takes control for a brief moment to advise me to, “just leave”.
Flagging the display in front of me, I turn to ldo just that. “I don't have time for this shit.” I had to get as far away from her as possible because I knew this shit could spiral out of control.
The sight of her in this nigga's arms has me going ballistic, though. “Calm down,” I tell myself as I drop the keys right onto the mail table. I step out the apartment and make it to the elevator to punch the down button before I lose all my senses.
The hell with that; I charge back down the few doors and into the apartment, busting in the door, making it crack up against the wall behind it.
The loud bang has them both snapping out if their sleep and springing to attention.
Wide, frightened eyes find mine. “Carter!” Lieas jumps up. Immediately, she's trying to close the distance between us, but I hold her off as I put my arm out. “Babe,” she starts. “This is not what you're thinking.”
“That you fucking this dude right here? That’s exactly what I’m fucking thinking!” I shout.
“Yo, homey. Calm down, man,” the guy speaks as he gets up. “This ain’t what you think,” he says.
Whirling around to focus on him, I realize that this the same dude I saw her talking to at Tyree's wedding. “Muthafucka, was I talking to you?!” I yell, getting in his face.
“Look, man, ain't nothing happen,” he defends, standing his ground.
“Babe, listen to me. Nothing happened,” Alieas protests. She places her hand in my arm and attempts to hold it firm. I shake her off of me and step back.
“What the fuck is he doing here, then?” I demand of them both.
She anxiously glances at him then back at me. “Justin, can you go, please? I need to talk to Carter.”
“Nawl, this boah can stay, and I'll leave,” I throw back.
Alieas pulls on my arm to get me to look at her. “You gon’ be cool, Lieas?" the nigga has the nerve to ask her.
I'm in his face and personal space in an instant. “What, nigga? You better get the fuck outta here, homey,” I threaten through clenched teeth.
Alieas tries to step between us.
“Y'all got some shit to work out. I understand that, but you’re not about to put your hands on her or none of that other shit in here. You cool, Lieas?” he questions again.
He is out of his fucking mind, I think. More anger escapes, threatening to wreck shit as I grip him up by the shirt, ignoring his struggle to break free.
“You betta get your fuckin' hands off me, man,” he advises me, attempting to break out of the tight hold I have on him.
“I'm cool. I’m so sorry, Justin,” she chokes out through her tears. I let him go when the sound of Alieas' sobs break in.
Sorry? Did she just apologize to this man? She checking for this dude? Worrying about his feelings?
He walks around me to put on his shoes.
It’s over. Fuck her is all I can think as I watch the boah leave. He's probably happy he ain't die in this apartment.
“Carter,” she says stepping closer to stand beside me. “He's just a friend.” Her eyes are pleading as she looks up into my eyes.
It's over and I don't give a fuck. But I had to know. Had to know how she could do this. That sounds like some nut shit but I have to know.
“Friends?” I repeat. I blow out a long breath. “Friends? That’s what we going with?” Frustrated, I curse. My heart is pounding in my chest drumming out her pleas. “Explain to me what this nigga doing in your house. That’s the nigga from Ty’s wedding, right?” I watch her eyes widen and glass over. “The nigga you ain't know, right?”
“Nothing happened—”
I talk over her protest, “Explain to me how a man you didn't know last month ended up in your fucking apartment today.”
Shaking, she goes behind me to close the door to her apartment. She lucky I didn’t kick that shit off the hinges.
“I should've told you that day that I knew him but he jumped in and answered before I had an opportunity to. Then it just wasn't important because I didn't think I’d really ever see him again.”
“So what the fuck was he doing here tonight? Here in your house?” I feel crazy wanting to wait for her to explain. “What the fuuuuuck, Lieas?!” I fume. Distraught, I drag my hands down over my face. Then in anger, I knock all the items from her mail table onto the floor.
“Carter, I'm sorry,” she whined.
I can put one and two together to make three. Nigga in her crib; she gave him her number and thought that was un-fuckin’-acceptable.
“I don't even wanna look at your lying ass face right now!” I turn to leave but Alieas grabs my arms to hold me there. “I told you I'm not dealing with no male friends shit. I told you. You wanna do that shit, you can do it single. See as many niggas as you want,” I inform, her shaking her ass off my arm.
She doesn't let my arms go but tightens her grip causing me to look down at my arm then at her face. “I called your phone when you didn't show up, Carter. Some bitch answered. Toya. What the hell?”
“Don't worry about who answered my shit. You had a dude up in your spot. You forgot you had a man when you gave him your number right? I wasn't up your ass that day and you thought you could sneak that shit by. Get the fuck outta my way,” I order.
She cries out and then places her hands on my chest. She searches my face for understanding. “I was mad, babe. He called me and I let him come over, but that was it. I love you— I swear; nothing happened.”
I shake my head. “You think I’m fucking stupid?” I demand, flinging her hands off me. The thought of those same arms caressing dude that just left plays in my head. “I would never let another bitch answer my phone because there are no other bitches. Bug was in the hospital tonight. That’s why I didn’t come. Toya nut ass answered my phone ‘cause she was holding it. I thought what we had was real. I came here to get you to take you home where you belong with us, but you in here laid up with some nigga. So. Fuck. That. Do you, Alieas.” I wanted her to understand the pain she’s
caused and the trust she’s severed.
This is why I wasn't getting into anything with anyone. I was off relationships until she showed up and made me need her. She became a part of our lives. You have to care entirely too much. You have to have trust. And you have to be ready for the unexpected: for someone you care about to come along and break that trust.
“I don't want to do me. I want to do us,” Alieas breathes.
“I’m out. This shit is over,” I let her know with finality.
Because she blocked my exit, I pick her up to move her out of the way.
“It was two weeks of not talking and I thought you had… had found somebody else,” she tries to explain.
Unable to restrain myself, I grip her face so I could see her eyes. “The way you found someone else, right? I’m not that type of man you’re gonna dog out and mess around with otha dudes on. Fuck outta here, Lieas.”
I let her face go and then opened the door to walk out of it and out of her life. I ignored all her calls and avoided her when showed up at my house and my job. After a month, she'd stopped all attempts at communication with me and that had been it.
I heard she had moved to D.C., and I was doing a pretty good job at not caring. Until...
Until I read that she still loved me.
Until I saw her.
Until eight days ago.
Eight days… I don’t care if it’s only been one day. Slick thoughts torment me as I imagine the multiple dudes she's involved with. I literally see my brain jumping in a car and just driving off a cliff. That’s how fucking gone I am over her. And to think that she still friends with this nigga but had managed to cut me out of her life forever. I’m straight thinking, what the fuck! She's the one who fucked us up.
“Carter?” a male voice cuts through what’s going on in my head. Whirling back towards the hall, I see Justin approaching me. “Can you hold up?” he requests.
This man has the nerve to want to bust it up. He'll be lucky if his ass don’t get busted out here. “Why the hell would I do that?”
