I held him as tightly as I was able. “I vow by the Goddess, I love only Merlin, lord of my heart!”
I felt him nod. “You speak true.” Merlin pulled back, and I saw tears slipping into his beard. “We are both hurt by this,” he said, his voice a raw whisper. “We must rebuild trust between us in the coming days. But you are safe here.”
I felt that he had forgiven me, but still would not accept what happened.
For the first time, I took in my surroundings. “Where am I?”
He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. “This is Drunemeton House, which I purchased for you and our son. It’s between Glast Tor and Avalon. You are lady of this house.”
“No!” I was more ashamed than ever. “I do not deserve this. Send me away!”
He took my hand and kissed it, then held it to his heart. “I will never send you away, my love. We must begin again if we are to survive.”
I could only bow my head in shame. I felt myself unworthy of his devotion.
“Fredic and his family will be here in a few days to serve you,” Merlin said, sitting back on the stool beside the bed.
“What do you mean? Who is Fredic? Wait.” I recognized the name. “You do not mean the jailor, do you?”
“Yes, the very man. He’s coming to take care of the house.”
I had met Fredic my first winter in the kitchens of Camelot listening to Lavena’s tales. He was once one of the great hall servants but took the job as jailor when the position was offered. “Why him?”
“He was helpful to me when I needed it most. When you needed it.” Seeing my puzzled expression, he said, “Let me tell you how it happened.”
I leaned back on the bed, still feeling a little queasy. “Yes, please. I do not recall anything after the queen set her guards on me.”
Merlin began, and as was the case when he wove his story-spell, I slipped into the tale, as if in a dream.
Eoghann and Merlin rode into Camelot’s courtyard at mid-afternoon. Sir Cai limped into the stable, a storm cloud on his brow.
“Cai!” Merlin said, “How are you this day?”
“Worried, Merlin,” he said.
“What is it that troubles you?” Merlin asked, taking his staff from Eoghann and starting for the castle.
Sir Cai stumped along beside him and said in a lowered voice, “Our queen had Lady Anya the healer put in the dungeon yesterday. There’s to be a trial. She’s accusing the girl of witchcraft!”
Merlin stopped, his heart beating hard. “What does the queen say happened?”
“She does not, Merlin. She speaks to no one. I wish Lancelot were here, but he’s off to the coast,” Cai said. “The king has said naught.”
Merlin stood pondering but could not get his thoughts to settle down. Anya in jail! The queen accusing her of witchcraft! She will demand my own love be burned at the stake! But he straightened his robe and asked only, “Lady Anya’s in the dungeon now?”
“Yes. I’d hoped you knew what was brewing, but I see it’s taken you as much by surprise as me.”
“Be sure I will resolve this,” Merlin said, hastening to the dungeon.
In the dark underground caverns, the jailor bowed to him. “Lord Merlin, are you here to help Lady Anya?”
Merlin paused, surprised. “What care you for Anya?”
“She healed me old ma. Came all the way out to the village. Ma was up and in the garden in just a few days. She lived long enough to see our youngest, Cinnia, born. I promised I’d pay Lady Anya back some day, somehow. I been wracking me brain trying to figure out how to get her out of here and away from the queen.”
“How fares Anya?” Merlin asked, stepping to the cell. Just inside, he stopped, terrified he was too late. Anya—I—sat slumped at the wall, staring at nothing. Breath barely came.
Fredic said, “She been that way since just after the guards left. I got her to take a dipper of water from time to time, but she won’t eat nuffin. Lord Merlin, you gotta help her. I can’t think this kind lady would do anyone harm!”
“Be sure, I’ll get her out. Watch her well!” Summoning all his power, Merlin made his way out.
When he reached the royal apartments and knocked at the first door, he was admitted by one of the queen’s handmaids. Merlin entered to find the queen surrounded with all the maids of court. They stopped their work at lace-making or small tapestries and stared at him, making him feel at once unwelcome. The queen herself was standing at the window, and barely glanced at him before turning back to the view.
Merlin bowed. “My Queen, how goes it with you?”
There was a long silence before the royal quietly ordered the women to leave. Only when the last one retreated and shut the door did she face him, her face full of rage. “Merlin, I hold you responsible for that … that … witch pretending to be a healer!’”
“How has she offended?” Merlin asked.
The queen began to pace, wringing her hands. It was a while before she spoke. “The king … we were … having martial relations …”
“Yes, I understand,” Merlin said before she could stumble on.
“ … and in the most passionate moment, Arthur called out that hellhound’s name!”
The spell was broken as I felt my stomach heave. I gasped, “Is there a bucket nearby?”
Merlin looked around, grabbed the night jar, and handed it to me just in time.
I threw up mostly bile. The baby did an unhappy somersault. “Oh, Goddess. I am so, so sorry.”
Merlin made to take the pot away from me, but I stopped him. “I think I’m going to need it before you are through with your tale.”
“Perhaps,” he said sadly.
“You had best continue.”
He nodded, and the spell began again. Merlin said to the queen, “Lady Anya …”
“She doesn’t deserve that term!” Guinevere snapped. “My cousin, Rowena, told me they don’t call her that in Avalon!”
Merlin bowed an apology. He said, “Anya and the king were much together as he was healing …”
“Don’t think me a fool, Merlin!” the queen shouted. “They were lovers! I confronted Arthur with this, and he didn’t deny it! I’ll have this fraud tried as a witch for ensorcelling the king!”
Merlin sagged. “My Queen …”
“Do not dare defend her or him!”
He put up his hand, as if to stem the flow of her wrath. “I don’t defend either. I will hear what passed between them. In the meantime, I ask you not to pursue this trial, which would only bring shame to the king and the kingdom.”
Guinevere grabbed up a needlepoint hoop and tossed it across the room. “The kingdom! Always I must do this and that for the sake of the kingdom—including marry this man who cares little for me or my honor!”
“I’m sorry for your pain, Guinevere,” Merlin said softly.
“What do you know of pain, Merlin?” she barked, beating her breast.
“Anya is my woman. She bears my son,” Merlin said, eyes cast down.
Guinevere sank into a chair, mouth open. After a time, she whispered, “She … a son?” Clearly, he heard the shriek in her mind: How is it a witch may bear an old wizard a child, but I cannot bear one for a Christian king?!
The spell was broken as I heaved again. I felt so miserable. “Poor Guinevere,” I said when I could speak again. “A child with Arthur is all that she wishes. I sorrow for her.”
Merlin nodded, then said, “I asked her, ‘If I take Anya away from Camelot, would you consider removing the charges against her?’ Guinevere stammered for a moment. Her eyes were filled with tears. Then she nodded. I said, ‘Please put the release in writing and send it to the jailor. I’ll have her gone by sundown. I am sorry for you, my Queen. Sorry for us both.’”
I grabbed the night jar again as my stomach rose, but then it settled back down. I wondered if I could bear to hear the next part. I closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing. Out, then in; out, then in. “Go on, Merlin. Tell me what Arthur sa
id.”
The story-spell returned. Merlin left the queen and suggested to her maidens that she would need attending.
He went to the king’s room and found Arthur talking with Sir Bedevere.
“Merlin!’ Arthur said in a falsely-cheerful way. “I was just giving Bedevere some instructions. If you’ll wait but a moment—”
But Merlin well knew the ways of Arthur’s mind. Whatever the king was discussing with Bedevere had something to do with Anya. “Sir Bedevere, your task may not be needed. Let me speak first to the king.”
Sir Bedevere bowed his way out.
Deep lines appeared on Arthur’s forehead. His eyes turned a dark blue. “You’ve heard about Anya?”
“I’ve just come from the queen.”
Arthur walked to his table, his limp barely noticeable. With a sigh, he sat upon the bench there. “Poor Anya. I’m having Bedevere take her to Little Britain tonight, before the trial. King Ban’s people will take her in.”
Merlin’s bushy brows drew down. There was a snarl on his face as he leaned over the table and shouted into Arthur’s face, “Anya bears my son!”
Arthur’s face drained of color, and he drew back. He whispered, “Oh, dear God. Merlin, I—”
“You were lovers?” Merlin demanded.
Arthur nodded slowly. “I … at first, she didn’t want to …”
Merlin’s eyes were tinged with red. “Are you saying you raped her?” His staff rose in the air, as if he would actually hit or cast a spell on the king.
Arthur flinched from Merlin’s wrath. “No! Never!” He got up and started to pace. “Merlin, she’s extraordinary! I fell in love with her while she cared for me after I took the wound. I … Oh, Merlin! Of all the people in the world to hurt! Now I know why she ran away! I swear to you, I haven’t touched her since she came back. I haven’t even spoken to her. I knew something was wrong and that I should stay away.”
The story-vision vanished. There was only Merlin glaring at me. “Is that true?” he demanded.
I nodded. “I lived in dread every day that he would send his page. I would not even go up to that part of the castle. But he did not send for me. And I was glad, because I wanted you! My heart is filled with my love for you and our child. I want you and no one else!”
He stared at me, willing me to deny it.
“I knew it would come to no good end.” I could barely make the next words come out of my mouth. “I knew it was wrong. I knew it and wanted him anyway!”
After a long time, Merlin wiped away the tears that leaked from his eyes. He sighed. “I told him of my arrangement with the queen—that I would take you away.
“He said, ‘Where will you go?’
Merlin actually thought of lying to Arthur. But he finally told the king, “I purchased the house at the high crossing, near Glast Tor. I’ve been preparing it these six months as a surprise. The workmen are just finished. I was planning on taking her there this week anyway.”
Arthur stood. “I am so sorry, Merlin.”
Merlin put up his hand to stop the king from saying more. “The heart will do what the heart will do, Arthur. But it will be a while before I will be able to speak civilly to you. Let us part in peace.”
Merlin turned away from me for a long while. When he faced me again, I felt his heart, so full of sorrow. “Anya, I have loved Arthur since before he was born. I have watched over him, guided him, directed him, admired him, served him. To have you sleep with him—of all the men in Camelot!”
I threw up again, although there was almost nothing to bring up. “Send me away, beloved. Send me far away,” I whispered.
“Tell me a reason why!” he cried. “Things don’t happen for no reason!”
“I did not want to sleep with him. I have loved you since I met you in Avalon—you and no one else. But then … that night … it was as if I was torn in two. And then it happened again! It was as if I had no control over my own will.”
Merlin sat back and considered me carefully. “A trained priestess of Avalon, a high priestess of the Rus, unable to control her own will?”
I felt him probe my mind. I made sure to open myself completely, offering no defenses, hiding nothing. Whatever he was looking for, it was his. I felt him rummaging through my thoughts, my memories, my dreams. There was no part he did not pore through, no incident he did not turn over and consider. I let him see all of it: my complete love for him, my lust for Arthur, my enslavement to Morgaine, and the hell all my actions had caused—all of it.
The longer he searched my inmost feelings, the more painful it became. As if he was tearing the memories from the inside of my skull. But I was determined that no matter how much agony he inflicted, I would endure it. No hurt, no torture, no demand was too much if it would lead somehow to winning back his love. But my body was not in agreement, and I shook and sweated as he took apart my mind.
Finally, he pulled out of my thoughts.
I gasped in relief.
Merlin pondered what he had seen for some time. At last, he said, “Perhaps I’m imagining it to make myself feel better, but I think the Goddess had something to do with this.”
I shook my head. “I cannot blame the Goddess for my own behavior. I have thought it over a thousand times, the why of it. I have no excuses.”
Merlin stroked his beard. “There is more here than either of us can fathom, perhaps. But you’ve given me all your thoughts. I read no evil intent. No desire to control him or me. No quest for power. Just a soul who craves to be loved.”
My heart shattered inside me like a piece of winter glass. I wept for a long time. His judgment of me was right, but almost too sad to hear aloud. I had not wished to harm anyone. I only wanted to be safe and cared for.
I felt him take the night jar from my hands. He joined me on the bed and I crawled into his arms like a child.
For a long while, we cried together.
The room was darkening when I could finally bestir myself. “Merlin, can you ever forgive me?”
“I already have,” his said, his voice deep with sadness.
I felt the hollow pain inside of him, but I knew it would heal. “Can you ever forgive Arthur?”
There was a long pause before he said, “I must.”
Chapter Forty-Two
After a time, Merlin took me from the bedroom and showed me around the house. The views from the windows were so beautiful, I could barely speak. The walls were freshly scrubbed, the furniture new, the main hall with its two-story high ceiling was stately. The place overall was warm and comfortable.
I could not help but cry. “I never thought I would ever have a house, let alone one so lovely!”
Merlin kissed my forehead. He took me down to the kitchen where Eoghann had a little stew ready for us. I was suddenly ravenous for meat—and ate it all—as well as every piece of bread with honey I could put my hand to.
“Feeling better now, my Lady?” Eoghann asked, worry in his eyes.
“Thank you, Eoghann.” I scooped up the last of the gravy with the heel of the bread. “It was delicious. I am quite sure I could not create a stew half so fine.”
He bowed and picked up our bowls.
Merlin said, “I don’t know where I would be without Eoghann. He’s a grand cook and a good helper. We’ve seen many things together.”
“That we have, my lord,” he said. “Including spiriting the lady out of Camelot!”
“Ah. You had not finished the tale,” I said.
Merlin pushed back from the table. He stroked his beard a few times before saying, “When I left King Arthur, I sent a page to have Eoghann ready our horses immediately. Then I went down the stairs to the dungeon.”
I slid easily into the dream-trance.
Fredic the jailor met Merlin at the door holding up a piece of parchment. “By the Goddess, you work fast, m’lord! She’s released!”
Merlin clapped him on the shoulder, then took the measure of him. “Fredic, do you like your work here?”
> The man looked confused. “M’lord? I sit in a dungeon all day and watch prisoners. S’all right, I s’pose.”
“Would you like to come with us and run a house? You could bring your whole family.”
The jailor blinked a few times. “Me?”
“Lady Anya and I will live not far from here. But we have no one to entrust the keeping of the place.”
“A house? Yes! Of course! It would be me honor. Me family, too?’ Merlin nodded. ‘What do you need?”
“Are you able to carry her out of here?” Merlin asked.
Fredic snatched up the keys and unlocked the cell. “I can fetch her clear to the sea, if’n you want, m’lord.” He carried Anya out of the dungeon.
Eoghann and the horses were waiting for us next to the side door. He helped Fredic put Anya on Merlin’s steed.
Sir Cai came out. “That was fast work, Merlin! Will you take her back to Avalon?”
Merlin got up on his horse behind me and said, “No. I’m taking her to our new home at Drunemeton House. There, she will bear my child.”
Eoghann’s loud laughter broke the spell. “You should have seen Sir Cai’s face! Gaped like a beached fish, he did!” Then he imitated the old seneschal: blank-face, mouth open. Merlin guffawed.
I joined in their laughter. When we settled down, I said, “Well, thank you for saving me, gentlemen. And now, I am safe, and at home.”
Merlin took my hand and kissed it.
The next day dawned fine and sunny, with late fall colors on the trees and in the sky. After we broke our fast, Merlin took me outside to see the grounds. Drunemeton House itself was a timber and white daub building. Many small windows dotted its face. The roof was new thatch with an intricate woven pattern at the peak and around the four tall chimneys.
He showed me the large apple orchard to the west of the house. “I had them start bringing it back to life this summer. Probably it will bear for you next spring,” Merlin said. He pointed out the goodly-sized lake with geese, ducks, swans, and all manner of waterfowl above and fish below. He gestured to the broad fields that had not seen tilling in many a year. “There are many acres. We’ve a couple of pigs, some oxen, and sheep now. But we’ll purchase more lambs, piglets, and oxen in the spring. The village of Glast is nearby. I believe I may persuade one or two of the small farmers to come work the land for us.”
The Priestess of Camelot Page 21
