by Jamie Canosa
He hesitated a moment longer before sighing. He didn’t believe me for a second, but there wasn’t much he could do about it given our current surroundings. “Down the hall on the left.”
“Thanks.” I didn’t even bother putting any effort behind my smile. He wouldn’t buy that, either.
I wanted to splash water on my face to cool my flaming cheeks, but that would mess up all of the effort Mrs. Parks had put into my makeup.
My makeup?
No. Her makeup.
Her purse. Her shoes. Her dress. Even her hair.
Nothing about the girl staring back at me in the mirror was me. I looked the part, but I wasn’t. Underneath all of the pretty decorations, I wasn’t the girl who went to balls and banquets, and donated generously to pet projects.
The door burst open to a wave of giggling laughter that cut short when my eyes met Beth’s in the reflection. Marjorie was with her, and the grin that twisted her lips made me ill.
“Oh, look, it’s . . .”
We’d been introduced less than five minutes ago, but evidently my name was beneath her notice.
“Jade,” I supplied, turning to face them. If she was going to insult me, I’d at least make her do it to my face.
“Right. Jade.” She stepped closer, moving to the sink beside me. “Funny. I didn’t realize the Parks were taking on . . . charity cases.”
“Marjorie!” Beth scolded her friend, but the hint of a smile playing on her lips ruined the effect.
“Seriously, though.” Marjorie continued, eyes lingering on the gown that suddenly felt too tight in all the wrong places. “Do you think they’ll get a tax break on that dress?”
She reached out to finger the material and I slapped her hand away. Straightening to my full height, which wasn’t much but still allowed me to look down on her, I lined my spine with a pair of steel bars.
“I may not be able to afford this dress . . . but it looks like I have something you don’t.” My gaze flicked to Beth because I honestly didn’t know which of them I was addressing. Marjorie was the one going on the attack, but she hadn’t showed the slightest interest in Caulder. That was all Beth. “Green really isn’t your color.”
It wasn’t much, but both girls looked shocked that I’d said anything at all. I was a little shocked myself. It didn’t take Marjorie long to recover, however.
“I don’t know what he sees in you, but it won’t last.” Leaning her hip up against the porcelain sink, she flicked her tongue over her ruby red lips like a snake set to strike. “You’re the kind of girl boys like Caulder Parks play around with. Some kind of social rebellion. Not the kind they want to be seen with. Not the kind they should be seen with. Soon, you’ll be nothing more than a stain on his reputation.”
I was tempted to turn around and hide inside a stall, but I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of overhearing me hurl.
“Enough, Marj. Leave her alone.” The humor fled Beth’s face, replaced by pity. Something more insulting than anything Marjorie had said all evening because it made it clear she believed every word was true.
And it was.
Leaving my steel supports behind, I unclipped my hair, letting the soft waves cascade down my back and over my face as I walked out.
What was I doing here? In this fancy place, eating fancy food, wearing fancy clothes. I felt like a child playing dress up and attending a tea party. But this wasn’t make-believe. This was real life. Not my life. Caulder’s. These were his people. His friends. His future associates. Marjorie may have been a bitch, but she was also right. He shouldn’t want to be seen here with me. I thought I looked the part, but if she could see through me so easily, so could everyone else. I wasn’t fooling anyone, except myself.
I didn’t want to be a stain on Caulder’s reputation.
“Hey, you alright?” As though my thoughts had conjured him, Cal materialized from the crowd at my side.
“Yeah.” Shrugging his hand from my shoulder, I took a step away. “Just tired.”
“Do you want to go home?” He stepped closer again, negating the space I’d try to put between us. “I can—”
“No, you should stay. I can call a cab and just—”
“Angel, what’s gotten into you? If you want to go, I’ll take you home.”
This wasn’t going according to plan. “But your mom—”
“Has her own car.” He had an answer for everything. “She’s a big girl. And you’re right. It’s getting late. I’m worn out, too. Let’s go.”
“Cal, really, you don’t have to—”
He didn’t bother interrupting me with words again, simply snagging my hand and tugging me along behind him, toward the exit. As we neared the bathrooms, we passed Beth and Marjorie in the hall. Caulder didn’t even slow down to say goodnight, but I caught a glimpse of the scowl causing ugly creases in Marjorie’s skin. If she could have, I was certain she would have shot fireballs at me from her eyes, burning me to ash.
Outside, I extricated my hand from his grasp as he approached the valet. Others were beginning to filter out and I stepped aside, hoping they wouldn’t notice us together. Coming here with him had been a huge mistake.
Caulder opened the passenger door for me when they brought the car around and I ducked inside, shielding my face in shadow as much as possible, just grateful to be away from prying eyes. When we’d pulled away from the bright lights, onto the main road, his hand slid over mine where it rested on my knee. Exactly the sort of thing he was going to regret someday.
“In case I forgot to mention it, you really do look beautiful, tonight.”
I did. And it took no small effort on the part of everyone but me.
“Thank you.” I slipped my hand from beneath his, scooting closer to the door to avoid having it land on my knee, instead.
The rest of the ride was blissfully silent. Outside of my brain, anyway. Inside, I was busy trying to figure out how I was supposed to clean up this mess I was making with minimal fallout. I didn’t want to hurt Caulder. I didn’t want to hurt me. But I could never forgive myself if I became something that Cal looked back on with shame and embarrassment.
His warm hand on my back melted some of the frost coating my skin as he ushered me inside. Stepping through the front door, I twisted away from his touch, trying to make the maneuver look natural when it felt anything but.
I failed.
Caulder’s hand snaked out, gently cuffing my wrist before I could get two steps ahead of him.
“Is something wrong?” He reached for my face and I ducked away from his outstretched hand. “Do you not want me to touch you? All you have to do is say so, Jade. I would never—”
“No, of course not. That's not it.”
“Then what is it?”
“Nothing.”
“Jade . . .” He reached for me again and again I avoided his touch.
“Stop it.”
“Stop what? How am I supposed to know what I'm doing wrong if you won't talk to me?”
“Please. Just don't.”
“Don't what?”
“Touch me.”
He paused. “So you don't want me to touch you.”
“No.” His fingers eased away from my wrist, slowly and I immediately missed their soothing warmth. “I don't want you to have to touch me. I’m a stain. You shouldn't want to touch me.”
“Why? Where is this coming from?”
“Because . . .”
“Because why, Angel?”
“Because I'm not one of them, okay? I'm not some upper class, rich girl who can wear thousand dollar dresses and three inch heels . . .” I’d spent the evening plodding around in granny flats thanks to my weak ankle. “. . . and talk about things I don't even know about. That’s who you should be with, Cal. One of those girls. Like Beth. Someone you can take to parties and show off and not be ashamed of.” My voice dropped to barely a whisper, emotion clogging my throat. “I’m not one of those girls.”
Shutting his eyes, he pressed
his forehead to mine and took a deep calming breath. When he opened them again, they burned with a conviction so bright it branded my heart.
“Jade . . . Beth is not the girl I go to sleep thinking about every night. She’s not the girl who follows me into my dreams. And she’s not the girl whose name is on my lips the moment I wake up every morning. She is not the person I draw strength from when I feel weak. She’s not the one who holds me up when I can’t stand on my own. She’s not the one who went through hell with me and came out stronger on the other side.
“Only one person on this godforsaken planet has been all of that to me since the moment I laid eyes on her. Only one person has the power to break my heart or heal it, because she holds it in the palm of her hand. Only one person is my light in the darkness. My peace in the chaos. My greatest strength and my greatest weakness . . . My Angel.”
I was stunned. Staring up at him in awe and wonder, I was literally speechless. But that was okay because Caulder wasn’t finished yet.
“I love you, Jade. I’ve loved you since . . . before I ever met you. I tried not to. I tried to pretend these feeling I have for you didn’t exist. That they weren’t real. And when that didn’t work, I ran like hell. But I couldn’t stay away from you, so I pushed you away instead. I did all of that because . . . because it feels like I’m stealing the most precious thing my brother had when he’s not here to defend it.”
That rubbed away a little of the wonder. “I’m not an object to be stolen, Cal.”
“I know that.” He shook his head. “I do. I just . . . It doesn’t matter. What matters is the truth. That I love you so much that when you leave it feels like I hold my breath and don’t draw another until we’re together again. When we’re apart, I’m suffocating.”
I was terrified of waking from this moment to find it all a dream. There was no way anyone could be lucky enough to find this kind of love not once, but twice in their life. Certainly not me.
“Say something, Angel. I kinda just laid it all out there. Don’t leave me hanging.”
“I . . .” I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. After his grand declaration, everything that sprang to mind sounded lame and not nearly good enough.
“I get it if you don’t—” He started to backpedal and I panicked, afraid he’d talk himself right out of loving me.
Practically lunging across the space that divided us, I crashed into him, sealing my lips to his before he could utter another word.
Caulder’s groan vibrated down my throat as his arms closed around me. My hands found their way to the solid wall of muscle supporting me and began, tentatively, to explore. Abs, chest, neck. All deep cut lines and hard, flat surfaces. Sometimes I became so blinded by the man he was underneath that I forgot how incredibly sexy he was on the surface, too.
His lips parted over mine and I felt the hot, wet brush of his tongue. I opened my mouth to him and felt the intoxicating scrape of his stubble against my cheek and chin as he delved deeper.
I couldn’t get enough. Pressing up onto my tiptoes, I fisted my hands in the thick material of his suit jacket and tugged him down to me. Caulder growled, backing me up a step and then another until my back collided with the wall. Something clattered to the floor, but both of us were too far gone to care.
The wood molding felt cold against the backs of my legs, but everywhere else felt hot. My heart kept time with his, slamming up against one another’s. His hands moved slowly up my back, caressing the bare skin of my shoulders and throat.
My head swam with his scent, his taste, his touch. It was all too much and not enough. Never enough.
When we broke apart, a wide smile made Caulder’s face even more handsome.
It took me a moment to catch my breath before I could tell him what I hoped he’d already figured out. “I love you, too.”
A wicked gleam lit in his eyes. “I’m not sure I got that, yet. I think you may need to show me again.”
And I did.
Twenty One
“Cal, are you still sleeping?” Mrs. Parks’ voice drew me lazily back into the land of the living.
My eyes blinked against the afternoon light pouring through the window. I hadn’t slept that good in . . . ever. I twisted my neck to spy the clock. And froze.
Oh, god. Oh, god!
“Cal.” Shoving his shoulder did nothing, he barely budged. “Wake up!” I hissed directly into his ear and he groaned at me. Groaned. I did not have time for this.
Resorting to brutal tactics, I slipped my hand under the blankets and jabbed him in the ribs. He shot straight up like a jack-in-the-box. “What the hell?”
“Your mother’s home.”
“So you tickled me?”
“You wouldn’t wake up. Oh, man.” Tumbling out of the bed like it had suddenly caught fire, I righted myself and began patting down my hair.
Caulder propped himself up against the headboard, watching my antics with an amused grin. “What are you doing?”
“We were sleeping in your bed, Cal. Together!”
“Yeah, we were sleeping, Angel. It’s not a punishable offense.”
“But your mom . . .”
“What about her?”
“Cal?” Mrs. Parks tried again and Caulder rolled his eyes at her persistence.
“I’m coming! Give me a minute, would ya?” His gaze moved from the door, back to me and held with a steadiness that let me know he wasn’t going anywhere—and neither was I—until we finished what I’d started.
“What will she say?” Cal had to shout to be heard, so whispering really wasn’t necessary, but I did it anyway.
“About what?”
“About me. About us.”
“About us?” He considered it for a moment and then smiled. “I like the sound of that.”
“Cal,” I groaned and he laughed at me.
“Relax. She’ll probably do cartwheels.”
“She—” Wait. “What?”
“She loves you, Jade. Any chance she gets at keeping you in the family, she’s going to jump all over it. She’ll probably be trying to plan our wedding before the end of the month.”
“But . . .” I stared at him completely confounded.
“Kiernan?”
A nod was the best I could manage, choking down the lump in my throat before the words would come. “She’s going to think I’m a slut. Jumping from one son to the other . . . she’ll hate me.”
“Whoa.” The blanket pooled around Caulder’s waist as he sat up, smile dropping just as quickly. “Is that what you think?”
“No . . . Yes . . . Maybe. I don’t know.” But I did. I just hadn’t realized it until right that second. “I can’t help how I feel about you, Cal. Like I can’t help how I feel about myself.”
“That you’re a slut. For being with me?”
“No. Not you. This has nothing to do with you.” There I went again, ruining anything good in my life. I was the most self-destructive human being on the planet Earth. “Please, Cal, I didn’t mean—”
“I know. Breathe, Angel. Come here.” He threw back the blanket and scooted to the edge of the bed, patting the space beside him.
I sat, the fear of what he thought far outweighing what his mother might think if she found us like that. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”
“Stop talking and listen for a minute.” He twisted to face me, pulling one knee up on the mattress between us, and ducked his head to my height. “First of all, you have to stop worrying about what other people think. Especially me. I love you, Jade. That isn’t something that’s going to disappear because of a few misinterpreted words. Okay?” His fingers felt warm against the cold skin of my forehead as he brushed some errant strands of hair from my eyes. “Don’t censor yourself around me. I want to hear everything you’re thinking, even the absolute crap that you just spewed. Especially the crap. Because that’s the stuff that will eat you up inside if you don’t let it out.
“And secondly, you are not a slut. The fact that
you could even think that word could possibly apply to you only proves that you don’t even know the meaning of it.”
The intensity in his gaze was too much for me to handle. Examining the fingers I was tightly wringing together, I fought the urge to tell him all the reasons he was wrong about me. And lost. “I went straight from dating Doug for years, to being with Kiernan, and now—”
“I heard about Doug.” His eyes darkened along with his voice. “That wasn’t a relationship, Jade. That was an asshole taking advantage of you.”
I couldn’t entirely disagree, even if that wasn’t the way everyone else saw it. “But Kiernan . . .”
“You loved him. I know you did. He knew you did.” Caulder paused and I felt the significance of the seemingly benign moment along with him. It was the first time Caulder had referred to his brother in the past tense. The first sign that he was learning to let go. To move on. He shared it with me in silent recognition and then moved on as though nothing had happened. “Mom knows you did. But you’re allowed to have feelings for more than one person in your life. My mom loved my dad, but don’t you think she’ll feel that way about someone else again, someday? I hope she does. She deserves to. But that won’t lessen how much she loved my father in his time. Jade, if anyone will understand this, it’s her.”
“You think so?” Why was it so easy to believe the bad stuff and so freaking hard to believe the good? Beautiful? Smart? Sweet? Everything in me repelled those words. Insisted they were just polite nonsense. The harsh truth cemented itself in words like slut, leech, sewer rat.
“Stop, Angel.” A warm hand settled on my cheek, thumb cupping my ear while his fingers threaded deep into my hair. “Get out of that head. Come back to me.”
I blinked up at him and he smiled, but there was a sadness to it. “There you are. You’re still hearing her, aren’t you?”
Loud and clear. Drowning out everyone else. And Caulder had already made it clear he couldn’t live with that. But I couldn’t live without him. “I’m trying, Cal. I swear I am. It’s just hard to—”
“It’s okay.” His thumb stroked idly over my temple. “You’ve got a lifetime of crap packed away in there. It wasn’t fair of me to think you could just . . . shut it out. It doesn’t work that way. This isn’t something that you’re going to overcome overnight. But it is something we’re going to work on. Together. For as long as it takes.”
