by Jamie Canosa
“Caulder, honey, please?” Exhaustion shadowed Mom’s eyes.
“No.” I crossed the room in three long strides, effectively barring them both from the room.
“Sweetheart, you don't have a choice.” Mom kept her voice low, trying to avoid a scene.
A scene I was more than willing to cause if it kept that woman the hell away from Jade. “What the hell do you mean I don't have a choice?”
“The doctor said one visitor at a time.”
Jade's mother stayed silent throughout our exchange. Shoulders slumped, she stood fidgeting with the sleeve of her shirt, refusing to look at me.
“Yeah. And this seat is taken.”
“Cal, I understand how much she means to you—”
“You don't understand anything.”
Brushing my outburst aside, Mom continued as if I hadn't spoken. A talent she'd mastered raising two boys. “But, being family, Marilyn has priority.”
“Family?” I couldn't believe what I was hearing. “That woman is not Jade's family. She's brought her nothing but heartache and pain. Jade has suffered her whole life because of that woman. She's lying there, right now, in that hospital bed, fighting for her life, because of that woman.”
“Caulder!” I knew mom was appalled by my behavior. Expected better of me. Everyone always did. But I was sick and tired of living up to everyone else's expectations.
Jade may have been an angel, but if it was a devil she needed watching her back, then that's what I'd be.
“You know why she was in that apartment tonight? To protect her from that piece of shit drug dealer.” I thrust my finger at Marilyn, standing silently in my shadow.
She looked small and fragile. A lot like her daughter. But I refused to feel pity for her. Anger. Anger was what kept everything else from overwhelming me. So I held on to that, instead.
“And you know why he was after her in the first place? Because she owed him a favor and things went sideways. A favor she owed because he had to help her haul her drunk ass back home because Jade couldn't do it alone. Jade took a bullet for that woman when she might as well have been the one holding the gun. She almost died because of her. She still might.”
I was being cold and heartless. Marilyn’s life hadn’t exactly been rainbows and sunshine, either. And maybe her addiction was beyond her control. Maybe it really did rule her. Determine her actions. Poisoned her heart and her tongue. Hell, if Jade were awake, she’d probably want her there. Because that’s what would make her mother feel better. But I didn’t care.
Jade would always put her mother first. Ahead of her own happiness. Her own welfare. But not me. No matter what Jade, or my mother, or anyone else said, my Angel would forever and always come first.
“So, no, she does not get priority here. And she sure as hell doesn't get the right to call herself family.”
Mom stood quietly for a long time, absorbing everything I'd laid on her. I felt like a dick, but something inside of me had snapped. The mere thought of losing Jade tore away all of my self-control, leaving behind only my basic instinct to protect, protect, protect. At all costs.
“I understand how you feel.” When mom spoke again, she placed a hand I'm sure was meant to be reassuring on my shoulder and leaned in close. “And I know it must seem that way to you. But here . . . legally . . . none of that matters. She is Jade's mother. Biologically, they are family. You could involve the court, but it wouldn't make a difference right now. Right this moment, she has legal priority. I know things between Jade and her mother haven't been . . ." Her eyes flicked to Marilyn and back to me. "Ideal, but she is here. Despite what you believe, she does care. Cal, until Jade regains consciousness and can speak for herself, Marilyn is her medical guardian. She could have you removed from the room and deny you access—”
“She can't do th—”
Mom lifted a hand, cutting me off before I could fly too far off the rails.
“But she's not going to do that.” Again her gaze cut to Marilyn, verifying her assurances, but the woman resolutely refused to look at, or even acknowledge, either of us. “She just wants to see her daughter for a little while. Why don't you and I go for a walk outside?”
My gut churned with the idea of leaving my Angel behind, but what choice did I have? That woman still held the ultimate influence over Jade, even now. I wouldn't give her a reason to keep me away. “Call me when she leaves. I'll be in the cafeteria.”
If either of them thought I was setting one foot outside that building without Jade by my side, they were sorely mistaken.
I don’t know if any words were exchanged between my mother and Jade’s. I didn’t care. Now that I was moving, I needed to keep moving. Because if I stopped, everything might just catch up to me at once. I wasn’t prepared for that.
I headed for the stairs—too agitated to stand still in an elevator—but didn’t make it that far. Mom caught up to me near the empty waiting area and herded me inside.
“Caulder, honey—”
“I can’t, Mom. I can’t just sit here. I have to . . .” Do . . . Something . . . Anything.
The police were out there looking for the shooter. I’d seen his face. Looked him right in the goddamn eye. And told them every last detail. I’d also given them DJ’s address. There was nothing I wanted more than to beat them to that apartment and get first crack at him. Except . . . to see Jade’s beautiful eyes. So I was trapped. Here. With nothing more to do than wait. The helpless feeling I hated more than anything else in the world slithered through me, snaking around my heart.
"She got shot, Mom. Shot! With a gun. There's a bullet in her.” My hands went to my hair, tugging harshly at the roots as I struggled for breath. “Who the hell gets shot? She's not a soldier. She's not a cop. Or some gangbanger. She's just . . . Jade." An angel. She was an angel. And angels didn't get shot with guns. They didn't bleed out from bullet wounds. "It doesn't make any sense. Nothing makes sense anymore."
"I know it doesn't, sweetheart. I know it doesn't." Mom wrapped her arms around my shoulders and then she did something she hadn't done since I was a small child. She held me to her and she rocked me.
Epilogue
*Caulder*
“Where are you going?”
“The cemetery.” It was the last place on Earth I wanted to go. I hated it with a passion so fiery it scorched my soul. But that was where Jade was, so that was where I needed to be.
“Alright, sweetheart.” Mom’s smile was tinged with grief and sadness. “Will you give these to her for me? I keep meaning to get out there, but . . .”
She didn’t need to explain. I knew why she couldn’t set foot there. “Sure, Mom.”
I took the small bouquet of yellow tulips tied in a thick purple bow and shook the water from the stems. Without it, they wouldn’t last long. Like everything else in that godawful place, they’d wither and perish.
***
An ice cold darkness crept over me as I rolled along the narrow street. My fingers went numb around the wheel and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I could feel the tightness wrapping around my chest, constricting my lungs.
Deep breaths. One after another as I pulled onto the grass and parked. I could do this. I had to do this. For her.
The damp earth felt spongy beneath my feet. A well-worn trail marked the path to my destination. I followed it, fearing that if my legs shook any harder, they wouldn’t be able to hold me up. Deep breaths.
My steps faltered when she came into view at the top of the hill. Smooth, black marble headstone with white lettering. I could still remember the day we put her in the ground. It wasn’t a big service. Just the three of us. Filled with heartache and pain and tears. So. Many. Tears.
More than she deserved.
Jade’s delicate finger slowly traced each of the engraved letters, spelling out ‘Marilyn Carlson. Beloved mother.’ Words she hadn’t deserved, but Jade had insisted upon.
The tears continued to fall even now, weeks later.
&
nbsp; “Hey, Angel.” I kept my voice low as not to disturb the intrusive hush of our surroundings and overwhelm her. “Hanging in there?”
Her eyes came up from where she knelt in the dirt, but they didn’t connect with mine. They didn’t connect with anything. They were blank and glassy. The way they had been since that day.
***
She’d been out of the hospital for two weeks before I relented and let her call her mother. When she didn’t get an answer, she called again. And again. And again. Eighteen was the magic number. After that, she was done messing around.
“Either you drive me over there or I’m going myself, Cal.”
“Why don’t you let me go?” She was still recovering. Moving around too much still caused her pain and I hated to see her suffer just to find her mother passed out somewhere.
“Forget it.” She stepped around me, headed for the door. “I’ll drive myself.”
“Angel . . .” I couldn’t grab her without the risk of hurting her, so I ducked in front of her instead, bringing her up short. Bad plan. One look at her face told me this wasn’t an argument I stood any chance of winning. She could be so damn stubborn. I loved that about her . . . sometimes. “Fine. Let me get my keys.”
Her grin had victory written all over it, but I couldn’t find it in me to be bothered. She’d flat-lined in the operating room. The nurse told us that and I knew the utter despair of losing her. If only for a moment, it was a moment too long. A glimpse into the depths of hell. A moment I’d never forget. Never recover from. Except for times like these, where she stood smiling up at me, and I could feel my heart slowly beginning to mend.
The nurse had gone on to say that they’d gotten Jade back and removed the bullet. The operation had been a success. And a couple days later, Jade was awake and talking. I swore, right then and there, I’d never ask for anything ever again. Every last one of my prayers had been answered and all of my dreams had come true. There was nothing else I could ever want.
When we reached her apartment, I knew something was terribly wrong before we were even in the door. It was the smell that hit me first. It was horrendous. Enough to bring me up short and let Jade squeeze past me. A mistake I’ll live with for the rest of my life.
She shouldn’t have been in there. She never should have made it to that room ahead of me.
“Mom!”
“Jade, wait!”
There was no stopping her. She tore down the hall, throwing open one bedroom door and then another. “Mom?”
“Jade, stop. Listen to me . . .” But she wasn’t. She wasn’t listening to anything outside of the panic fueling the frantic footsteps.
“Mom!”
She showed the slightest hesitation outside the bathroom door. Pausing to prepare herself as though she already knew what she’d find on the other side. I knew, too. And I ran. As fast as I could down that narrow hallway. But I wasn’t fast enough.
Jade threw the door in, her eyes flying wide as they took in an image no one should ever have to witness. Her mouth fell open, and her scream tore through me like a thousand knives.
“No!” Hooking her around the waist, I hauled her back around the corner of the doorway, but the damage had already been done. “Jade.”
“She . . . she’s . . .” Tremors shook her from head to toe.
“Stay here. Don’t move. Not one step. You hear me?” When she continued to stare at the blank wall in shock, I rattled her. “Do you hear me, Jade?”
“Y-y-yes.”
It was the best I was going to get and I was going to have to trust it. Leaving her pale faced and shaken, I rounded the corner into the same small bathroom I’d once tended to Jade in.
I’d seen dead bodies before, but not until after they’d been made up by the funeral homes. Dressed and painted and made to look like they were resting. That was not what Marilyn looked like. Swollen and bloated, she floated in a tub of pinkish water. Her plumped lips framed an oversized tongue. Her eyes bulged. I gagged and forced myself to get a grip.
There was no point. The dry crusted blood staining the insides of her wrists and the tiled floor told me all I needed to know, but I checked anyway. Slipping my fingers over her throat and counting out ten endless seconds.
Nothing. She was long gone.
There was a chasm inside of Jade and I’d been watching her try to pull herself out of it for as long as I’d known her. The moment she saw her mother lying there it was like she just let go of the rope. I dove, deeper and deeper, trying not to lose sight of her, but the darkness swallowed her up.
***
“Angel?” Just seeing her that way made me ache all over. Some people would call our relationship toxic. Because I hurt for her and she hurt for me. Yes, we hurt each other. But in the best way possible. In a way that said you never have to suffer alone. That I know how you feel because I feel it, too. That I will take on that pain to ease yours. That I love you. More than myself. More than anything. And if that kind of love was toxic, then I guess I was a dead man because I was in deep.
“It should be me.” Jade traced the last name on the headstone again. “It should be me in there. I tried to save her. I tried—”
“You can’t do this, Angel. I won’t let you.” She looked so tired. So drained, like the life had been sucked right out of her. So . . . defeated. I’d seen that look before. I knew what it meant. And I wasn’t going to allow it.
“Do what, Cal?”
“Give up.” Wrapping my hands around her arms, I lifted her to standing and gave her a tiny shake, desperate to see something—anything—in her eyes other than that. “Let that woman win.”
“That woman . . . was my mother. And she’s dead.” Jade choked back a sob allowing her anger to swallow her grief for a brief moment. “She can’t win anymore.”
“She can if she takes you with her. I’m not saying your mother didn’t have demons, Jade. God knows she did. But she didn’t fight them. She just shoved them off on you. I don’t know her life, her story. How she ended up . . .” A brisk wind rattled the branches of the bare oak. Weeping angels and stone crosses littered the hilly field, as desolate and barren as what lay beneath. “Here. It’s tragic. It’s a waste. And I am sorry. But I won’t let her demons destroy you, too. I love you. I can’t breathe without you. So, please . . .” If it took guilting her into living, so be it. “Don’t give up. Because, I swear to you, I will follow you straight into the grave.”
“Cal.” The flash of fire in her eyes was once again doused by tears and she gasped as she threw herself into my arms. She shook. Everywhere.
“I’ve got you. I’m here. I’ve got you.” I didn’t bother trying to tell her it was alright, because it wasn’t. And it wouldn’t be for a long time.
With a flick of my wrist, I tossed my mother’s flowers in the general direction of Marilyn’s grave and started ushering Jade’s limp form back toward the car. For now, all I could think about was getting her the hell out of there. That place was like poison to her soul.
***
“Angel. Wake up.”
Incapable of holding herself upright, I’d laid her across the backseat where the tears had continued to fall until her eyes slipped shut and she’d drifted off into utter exhaustion. She was running on fumes, both physically and emotionally. And getting through today was going to take everything she had left in her tank.
“We’re here, Jade.”
Groaning, she rolled ono her back and flung her arm over her puffy, red eyes. If she was looking for the perfect way to torture me, she’d found it.
In the six weeks since her mother’s death, she’d barely touched food. Spoken only when necessary. Only left the house to go to the cemetery. Barely left her bed. She cried. Constantly. She didn’t even try to hide the tears. Just let them fall until they dried up and then she’d stare off into oblivion until sleep drew her under again. She wasn’t living. She wasn’t even existing.
I tried to give her what she said she needed. Time. Space. Let her
grieve in her own way. But I drew the line when an eviction notice arrived in the mail from Halfmoon Park. She didn’t need the apartment. And if it was up to me, she’d never ever set foot in that nightmare again. But I couldn’t let all of her stuff—all of her mother’s stuff—get tossed out with the trash.
“Come on. Let’s get this over with. It’ll be quick, I promise.”
Groggily, she let me sit her up and slowly drew herself from the car. Her eyes slid across the lot and I watched the rise and fall of her chest accelerate. Tracking her gaze, I glared up at DJ’s building.
“It’s okay, Angel.” Closing in behind her, I dropped my head and rubbed my face against the soft skin of her cheek, letting her feel my presence. “He’s gone. They’re both right where they belong. Behind bars. No one’s ever going to hurt you again.”
It had taken the cops less than twenty-four hours to pick up DJ. He wasn’t all that smart. And the minute he was in custody, he’d rolled over on Stryker faster than anyone could blink. Damn fool. I doubted he’d make it through his trial. Not a fact I was particularly upset about.
Jade’s head swung in the opposite direction and I felt a shudder run through her body. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I nestled her tightly against my chest. She was so thin, she felt brittle in my embrace. I feared I had to make a conscious effort not to snap her in half.
“I know you don’t want to, but this needs to be done.”
I held on to her hand, not convinced she was capable of making the assent on her own as we climbed the hazardous staircase. The higher we climbed, the slower she moved. Not that I could blame her.
Getting through the door was the hardest. She didn’t want to and I didn’t want to make her. Hell, I didn’t want to make me. It took more of a shove than a nudge to propel us both over the threshold. Once inside, we stood silently, side-by-side, not even knowing where to begin.
