by Heide Goody
NO – There are no magical vases to be found in those remains.
YES – There are the remains of a Roman fort at Metchley Park next to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital.
NO – There is no secret “restricted ward” on the top floor of the hospital.
YES – A wire-mesh statue called “Manangel” by David Begbie, installed ten feet off the ground on the wall of the Jam House in St Paul’s Square, disappeared overnight in 2016. Its current location is unknown.
NO – There isn’t a secret fishman town on the Warwick and Birmingham Junction canal.
NO – Although there are floating cafes, restaurants, tour boats, shops and taxis at Gas Street Basin, the Black Barge has never paid a visit.
YES – The building on the corner of Great Charles Street and Margaret Street housed the Birmingham stock exchange until its closure in 1987.
NO – The building is not currently occupied by Mammon-Mammonson Investments.
YES – There is a mine underneath Birmingham University, excavated by mining students in the 1930s. The entrance is near the South Gate, not far from the Bristol Road.
NO – The mine is not used anymore and certainly not by Professor Sheikh Omar.
NO – There is no menagerie of alien creatures in Dudley.
NO – There is no Rockerfellers night club on Broad Street.
YES – Birmingham does have more miles of canal than Venice and more acres of parkland that Paris. It is also the birthplace of the balti. Its claims to be the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution, the British Enlightenment and Heavy Metal are good ones but are reasonably disputed by other cities.
YES – There are many examples of burnt mounds by the rivers of Birmingham. These are the piled remains of stones, heated to high temperature and then shattered by plunging into cold water. These remains are mostly between 3000 and 4000 years old and, since there is no evidence that the heated stones were used for cooking, their purpose is a mystery. The hypothesis that these were some form of stone age sauna has led to speculation that the stones are anachronistic Out Of Place Artefacts.
YES – There is a coffin works museum on Fleet St in Birmingham. It’s really good.
YES – The Pen Museum is a real thing. It’s on Frederick St in the Jewellery Quarter. It’s also really good.
NO – The Pen Museum is not the hiding place for any mystical or magical pens, as far as we know.
YES – In the 1840s, Birmingham provided 75% of the world’s pens. This market share slowly declined until the rollerball pen effectively killed off the industry in the early 20th Century.
YES – In May 2017, a 500-pound unexploded wartime bomb was found by construction workers in Aston. The A38 expressway and many other routes into the north and centre of the city were closed for two days while it was dealt with.
NO – The unexploded bomb wasn’t a cover story for the discovery of a buried Venislarn. Not unless the army then decided to blow it up. The controlled on-site detonation destroyed windows and door shutters on nearby business premises.
The authors would like to extend their thanks to Paul Hepburn for his invaluable advice in the operation of tower cranes. Any error in the text is ours not his.
Clovenhoof by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Charged with gross incompetence, Satan is fired from his job as Prince of Hell and exiled to that most terrible of places: English suburbia. Forced to live as a human under the name of Jeremy Clovenhoof, the dark lord not only has to contend with the fact that no one recognises him or gives him the credit he deserves but also has to put up with the bookish wargamer next door and the voracious man-eater upstairs.
Heaven, Hell and the city of Birmingham collide in a story that features murder, heavy metal, cannibalism, armed robbers, devious old ladies, Satanists who live with their mums, gentlemen of limited stature, dead vicars, petty archangels, flamethrowers, sex dolls, a blood-soaked school assembly and way too much alcohol.
Clovenhoof is outrageous and irreverent (and laugh out loud funny!) but it is also filled with huge warmth and humanity. Written by first-time collaborators Heide Goody and Iain Grant, Clovenhoof will have you rooting for the bad guy like never before.
F. Paul Wilson: "Clovenhoof is a delight. A funny, often hilarious romp with a dethroned Satan as he tries to adjust to modern suburbia. The breezy, ironic prose sets a perfect tone. If you need some laughs, here's the remedy."
US: http://www.amazon.com/Clovenhoof-ebook/dp/B008PYLULG/
UK: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Clovenhoof-ebook/dp/B008PYLULG/
Disenchanted by Heide Goody & Iain Grant
Ella Hannaford has a small business to run, an overworked father to look after and a future stepmother who wants a perfect wedding.
Can she avoid a girly night out with her clueless stepsister? Can she side-step lovesick suitors at every turn? Not if it’s up to that team of foul-mouthed dwarfs who want to forcibly drag her into her happily ever after.
Gingerbread cottages, dodgy European gangsters, gun-toting grannies, wisecracking wolves, stubborn fairy godmothers, ogres, beanstalks and flying carpets abound in a tale about what happens when you refuse to accept your Happy Ending.
US: https://www.amazon.com/Disenchanted-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B06X6DHK11
UK: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Disenchanted-Heide-Goody-ebook/dp/B06X6DHK11
