by Steve Barlow
The Sheriff said the Earl of Huntingdon had been made an outlaw for plotting against Prince John, and all his lands and titles had been given to Sir Guy of Gisborne (who was grinning like anything).
I was just about to tell Earl Robert that it was all a put-up job and would never stand up in court when the silly ass lost his temper.
“Oooh, fibs!” he shouted, “rotten beastly fibs! You can tell Prince John that I serve King Richard, and if you make me a bally outlaw, I shall bally well go and hide in the forest and fight you until the King comes back, so there. Marian my love, will you wait for me?”
She was all for it, the romantic fool. “Oh, yes, Wobin. And when King Wichard weturns, he shall mawwy us himself!”
Earl Robert picked up a bench and started swinging it about like a madman. He gave Sir Guy a good hard clout on the ear and knocked the Sheriff into the font. After that things got a bit confused.
So now here we are in Sherwood Forest, worse luck. To begin with, Earl Robert was cheesed off that he couldn’t go on the Crusade after all, but then he got cheerier and said chins up and never mind, we would live as free men in the jolly old Greenwood, what! Who would choose to sleep on a feather mattress in an earl’s palace, he said, when he could rest on soft leaves under swaying branches beneath the open sky?
What a twit!
29th July 1190
Earl Robert is full of plans, all of them daft.
“The Sheriff has made me an outlaw,” he said this morning, “so I’ll jolly well be an outlaw,” He thought for a minute. “What is an outlaw, exactly?”
I said an outlaw had to live outside the law. The law wouldn’t protect him, and if somebody stole from him or killed him, they wouldn’t be punished. In fact, they’d be rewarded. Anyone who killed an outlaw could claim five shillings, the same reward as for killing a wolf. So another name for outlaw was “wolf’s head”.
I explained that an outlaw’s property went to the King, and only the King could grant him a pardon.
“Well, I don’t care”, said Earl Robert. “I’ll live here in Sherwood Forest and lead King Richard’s loyal subjects in raids against the Sheriff and that rotter Gisborne.”
“They’ll know who you are”, I told him.
“Then I shall give myself a new outlaw name. I shall call myself Robin, to remind me of Marian. And my second name will remind me that I must always be in disguise.” He looked at the clothes he was wearing. “I’ve got it! I shall call myself… Robin Tights!”
27th September 1190
Some of the other outlaws who live here in Sherwood Forest have joined me and Earl Robert… sorry, Robin Hood (ha!). They like him because although he’s a Norman toff he doesn’t treat them like dirt.
Scarlet is short for “Scathelocke”, which means “burnt hair” because Will Scarlet is a redhead. Get it?
Much the Miller’s Son is just short.
30th September 1190
Sherwood Forest is a big place. I’ve been making a map of it. I let Much the Miller’s Son do the trees.
It isn’t all woodland – there are open spaces as well, but it is very wild. There are hundreds of places to hide, and travellers don’t like going through it because there are a lot of outlaws living in Sherwood Forest. This isn’t really surprising when you think how strict the Forest Laws are.
Most of the Royal Forests belong to King Richard, but Sherwood belongs to Prince John. Nobody except John (and his friends) is allowed to hunt in Sherwood. On the other hand, John isn’t allowed to hunt anywhere else. That’s why he likes to make sure nobody else goes hunting in his forest, so there are lots of laws to put people off poaching. For instance:
17th October 1190
Living in the forest hasn’t been too bad so far. Most of the outlaws who’ve joined us are pretty handy with a bow. Robin has turned out to be a crack shot (I knew he must be good at something – I suppose when he was a rich idle layabout, he had a lot of time to practice archery). Any time we’re hungry, someone just goes out and shoots a deer. I’m getting pretty fed up with having nothing to eat but venison.
Now winter’s coming, it’s getting harder to find nuts and berries. We need money to buy things, but all Robin’s wealth from the Huntingdon estates has been confiscated by the Sheriff.
I suggested that we should make some money by charging people to cross the bridge over the stream near our camp. It’s really just an old tree that somebody chopped down so that it fell across the stream. So I made a sign. Then Robin stood at one end of the bridge to wait for a traveller to pass by, and the rest of the outlaws went and hid in the bushes, giggling.
Just as we were getting fed up, a huge bloke turned up and started to cross the bridge.
All the outlaws came charging out of the bushes with arrows at the ready, but Robin ordered them to put their bows away. He asked the big bloke to join us. The big bloke then said he couldn’t join us, he’d come to join Robin Hood.
Robin declared, “But I’m Robin Hood.”
The big bloke looked him up and down.
“Give over,” he scoffed.
Robin protested, “No, I am, really.”
Then the big bloke said his name was John Little.
Of course, Will Scarlet and the lads nearly wet themselves laughing. “Then we shall call you Little John,” cried Will, “because you’re so big!”
Such wit!
Little John said he’d become an outlaw when he caught Guy of Gisborne whipping one of his peasants, and punched his lights out. So all the outlaws sang “For he’s a jolly good fellow” and welcomed him to the gang.
I have to admit, Robin has a gift for dealing with people. He got made to look a right charlie today, but he was so good-natured about it, he actually got more respect from the lads than if he’d won.
* * *
MICROHARD CHAIN MAIL MESSAGE
From Basil Count de Money ([email protected])
Date 26 March 1191, 3.15pm
To [email protected]
Subject Arguments!
Here we are in Sicily. When we arrived, the locals locked up some of the lads and overcharged us for food, so Richard decided to conquer them. Then Richard and King Philip had a bust-up. The word is that Richard is going to marry someone called Berengaria (what a strange name). She’s the daughter of King Sancho the Strong of Navarre (another strange name). The problem is that Richard is already engaged to Philip’s sister, Alice. In fact he’s been engaged to her for over twenty years!
He’s been finding excuses not to marry her:
1) he’s got to wash his hair
2) his mum won’t let him out
3) Alice used to be his dad’s girlfriend.
Philip has finally realised that Richard is serious about not marrying Alice, so he’s having a big sulk. On this happy note, we’re off to the Holy Land!
Yours, as keen as a flea in a doublet,
Basil
* * *
3rd April 1191
Little John brought a traveller back to camp today. He turned out to be a public relations consultant. He told Robin that we had an image problem.
“People have a negative view of outlaws,” he told Robin. “They associate them with hostility and being robbed.”
“Shut up and give us your money before I thump you,” said Little John.
“See what I mean?” said the PR man.
He then tried to get Robin to dress all the outlaws in yellow. “It’s such a soothing colour,” he said.
I pointed out that it would be a bit difficult for outlaws dressed like bananas to hide in the forest. The PR type had to admit I had a point.
In the end he and Robin settled on Lincoln Green, which would be hard to spot among the trees (though Will Scarlet went all sulky because green just didn’t go with his red hair).
Mind you, I still think it was a mistake to let the PR chappie give the lads a makeover.
11th April 1191
The Sheriff of Nottingham and some of hi
s pals are no better than upper-class gangsters! With King Richard out of the way, they think they can can break the law whenever they like and get away with it! Two of their favourite scams are:
Anybody who tries to stop them is either bribed, threatened or killed. So Robin has decided that from now on, we’re going to rob from the rich and give to the poor.
I couldn’t believe my ears. When he said “give to the poor”, surely he meant “lend to the poor at a crippling rate of interest”?
Robin said no. He said he felt guilty about:
a) being a Norman (and therefore a toff)
b) not going on the Crusade.
He was going to take money from the Normans (who had too much of it) and give it to the Saxons (who didn’t have enough).
The whole thing sounded perfectly potty to me. Was this supposed to be some sort of tax dodge? Outlaws were meant to rob people! I said I was right alongside the idea of robbing the rich, it was good sound financial policy – but what was wrong with robbing the poor as well? Admittedly, they didn’t have as much money, but there were more of them…
Robin got very high and mighty and said that he was fighting the good fight for Good Old King Richard, what! and it was his duty to fight injustice, right wrongs and succour the needy.
I told Robin that if he gives money to the needy, he’ll be the sucker.
2nd May 1191
Robin’s decided we can all go on an outlaws’ outing, so here we are in Edwinstowe for the May Games.
We arrived just in time to see the girls of the village dancing round the Maypole. After that there was more dancing, but most of the lads joined in with the sports instead.
I had a go at stoolball, and hit one of the girls. She said I could have a cake or a kiss. She had a face like a horse, so I said I’d have the cake.
Then some peasants did a Morris dance, leaping about and waving hankies in the air. I don’t know who Morris is, but if I was his mother, I’d be worried.
Then the Mummers’ plays started. I’ve always thought these are pretty childish, but Robin was like a dog with two tails. He booed when the Saracen killed St George (the baddie used to be the Devil, but since the Crusades started it’s been a Saracen). He shouted “I do believe in fairies” when the doctor brought St George back to life again. He cheered when St George killed the Saracen. Then he cried like a baby when I told him the play had finished and it was time to go home.
* * *
MICROHARD CHAIN MAIL MESSAGE
From Basil Count de Money ([email protected])
Date 26 May 1191, 6.15pm
To [email protected]
Subject Trouble!
Our journey across the Mediterranean Sea was not good. Half our ships (including Berengaria’s) got blown across to Cyprus in a storm. When Richard turned up and asked for his fiancée back, the Emperor of Cyprus (who’s called Isaac Comnenus – another silly name) attacked us! His soldiers didn’t stand a chance and Isaac scarpered. Then Richard married Berengaria and she was crowned Queen of England.
The honeymoon was more like a stag night. Richard decided to conquer Cyprus and we had fifteen days of fighting and pillaging! Ex-Emperor Isaac surrendered on condition that Richard wouldn’t put him in iron chains. Richard agreed – he had silver chains made and put Isaac in those instead. What a sense of humour!
Now we’re finally off to the Holy Land. About time!
Yours, as fresh as a ferret at a rabbit hole,
Basil
* * *
6th June 1191
We’ve got a new outlaw in the band, for all the use he is. It happened this way.
Robin and I were down in the forest stopping travellers and asking them for tolls as per usual, when this lad came drooping along. He was sobbing like a sheep with wind, and he kept shouting, “Oh, woe is me” and “Lackaday” and similar.
Robin stopped him and said, “Does something ail thee, my friend?” (What a mind, eh? Sharp as a razor.)
The drippy article unstrapped a lute* from his back and sang:
“I love a maiden truly And ‘tis for her I pine, For a rich old toff Has carried her off, The filthy Norman swine.”
Oh dear, I thought, that’s all we need – not just a poophead, but a poet as well.
The miserable object told us he was a wandering minstrel and his name was Alan A’Dale. Then he sang:
Robin said “Chin up, old fellow,” and told him about Marian and how he hadn’t seen her in AGES and then he started blubbering as well.
This big drip of a minstrel then asked if we could rescue his girlfriend. I asked what was it worth. He said he had no money, but he would swear to be Robin’s servant. Big deal, I thought, but Robin was all for it. I must have a word with him about harsh economic realities.
* * *
MICROHARD CHAIN MAIL MESSAGE
From Basil Count de Money ([email protected])
Date 8 June 1191, 10.05am
To [email protected]
Subject Siege of Acre
We’ve finally arrived in the Holy Land! We’ve landed outside the port of Acre. The city has been under siege by the Christians for eighteen months.
Acre is very impressive. It has massive walls and lots of towers. No wonder the Muslim defenders have been able to hold out for so long.
But now Richard’s here. The Muslims have heard about him and are VERY worried. They should be!
Yours, up for some serious Saracenbashing,
Basil
P. S. I’ve downloaded a map so you can follow our progress!
* * *
* A stringed instrument, a sort of medieval guitar.
10th June 1191
After breakfast this morning (venison sausages), Robin blew his horn and off we went to Papplewick church to rescue Alan A’Dale’s sweetheart.
When we all piled in with bows drawn, the bridgegroom-to-be scarpered through the vestry. The Bishop said he couldn’t marry the girl to Alan A’Dale because the marriage banns hadn’t been read out three times. So Robin gave the Bishop’s frock and hat to Little John, who read the banns out seven times just to be on the safe side while the congregation laughed themselves into fits (they don’t get out much in Papplewick). Robin gave the bride away and Little John married her to Alan A’Dale and everyone cheered like mad.
After the service some toothless old crone came up cackling, “God bless ee, maister, Oi haven’t laughed so much in all my days. Oi do think thee should be called Robin Hood and his Merry Men.”
Robin thought this was very funny, and said that’s what we would call ourselves from now on.
If you ask me, it makes us sound like a bunch of third-rate clowns.
* * *
MICROHARD CHAIN MAIL MESSAGE
From eBasil Count de Money ([email protected])
Date 12 July 1191, 10.33pm
To [email protected]
Subject VICTORY!
Acre is ours – not before time!
All my hair and fingernails fell out during the siege! I had a fever called “arnaldia”. Richard and King Philip also caught it. We ended up looking like right slapheads. I couldn’t even pick my nose properly!
The Muslim commanders in Acre finally realised that they couldn’t hold out any longer against our siege engines. Saladin and his army couldn’t do anything to help them either, so they surrendered. The Muslims have now got to pay 200,000 gold pieces as part of the surrender agreement. Until the money is paid, the three thousand Muslims in the city will be kept hostage.
Saladin is not happy with these terms, but tough luck – he’s lost!
Yours, as bald as a baby’s botty but as
happy as a big yeehah,
Basil
* * *
13th July 1191
I’ve managed to persuade Robin we could do with a bit of corporate sponsorship, so he’s agreed to put his name to an ad in Bows and Ammo magazine.
* * *
MICROHARD CHAIN MAIL MESSAGE
Date 3 August 1191, 10.27pm
To [email protected]
Subject Arguments!
A while ago, Richard spotted that Leopold of Austria was flying his flag from one of the city’s towers. Richard got all jealous and said it was his brilliant leadership that won the siege of Acre and no one except him could put their flag up, so there – especially Leopold who’s not even a King, only a Duke.
Leopold said he was jolly well going to fly his flag. Richard said he’d tear Leopold’s flag down. Then the following top level diplomatic discussions took place.
LEOPOLD: Right, go on then. I dare you.
RICHARD: Right then, I will.
LEOPOLD: Go on then.
RICHARD: I will then!
So Richard tore down Leopold’s flag and threw it in the moat. Leo burst into tears and said he knew when he wasn’t wanted, packed his bags and headed home. Oh dear, I thought – his Kingship’s temper will get him (and us) into big trouble one of these days.
Then King Philip announced that he was fed up and was going back to France. So he’s packed his bags and gone home too, taking loads of his men. It’s going to be a difficult job to defeat Saladin now.
Yours, as confused as a fish in a thorn bush,
Basil
P.S. Saladin STILL hasn’t paid up! Richard is getting very annoyed and you know what his temper is like!
