by Fred Crawley
Nathan didn’t say anything for a moment and considered telling Dr. Romero everything. He might have done except for the fact that it was a guaranteed one-way ticket back to Happy Trails and he needed his freedom, at least until Gwen was found.
“We were getting back together,” Nathan said. He hadn’t planned to tell Dr. Romero that, nor anyone else, but his mind was foggy and talking about that seemed the safest way to prevent himself talking about the other thing.
Dr. Romero arched his eyebrows signalling Nathan to continue.
“She broke up with Marcus,” Nathan said.
“Really?” Dr. Romero said. Although he had genuinely seemed to believe Nathan when he’d said he hadn’t done anything to Gwen this seemed harder for him to accept.
“I went to see her and she was upset. I spent the night.”
“Were you intimate?” Dr. Romero said.
Nathan shook his head. He picked up his tea and sipped it. He’d put too much milk in and it didn’t taste right, but he needed to energy.
“Had you spoken to her since?” Dr. Romero said.
“No,” Nathan said. “But she must have gone missing the next day.”
Dr. Romero nodded, but he didn’t ask him any more questions about it. He drank his tea and Nathan wondered whether he’d said too much. Dr. Romero knew him better than anyone, except maybe Gwen herself. Nathan wondered if this had changed his mind about him being guilty.
When he had finished his tea, Dr. Romero stood up. “Thank you for the tea Nathan,” he said. “I think in light of the current situation it would be a good idea for us to add an extra session to the week.”
Nathan nodded, but it wasn’t good news. He already felt as if he spent too much time sitting in that grey little room spilling his guts about his life. He stood up and showed Dr. Romero to the front door and watched him leave.
CHAPTER 13
NATHAN COULD FEEL THEM WATCHING HIM. HE LOOKED around for a sign of their yellow eyes. He couldn’t see anything, but that didn’t mean they weren’t there. They weren’t there, he tried to tell himself, but he no longer believed that was true.
The street was dark and there was no one else on it. He was cold and he was hungry and he missed Gwen. The night seemed to have come too quickly. It seemed as if he’d only left home to visit the job centre an hour ago, but that had been nine o’clock in the morning. He was losing track of time and they were everywhere.
He recognised the street, it wasn’t far from home, but it felt as if he was walking through water and every step seemed to take a tremendous amount of effort. It had been three days since his visit to the police station and they still hadn’t found Gwen. As far as he knew there weren’t any other suspects. Her family seemed to think he’d done it and it wasn’t only Lewis visiting and calling him. Yesterday her mother, whom he’d never met, had shown up at his door, crying and begging him to tell her what had happened to her daughter.
Nathan turned suddenly. He thought he’d seen eyes on the opposite side of the street. He stopped and stared, but there was nothing there now. He shivered and tried to walk more quickly but he was exhausted and the air felt too thick.
It started to rain - sudden downpour that whipped against his face and soaked him in an instant. He was glad of the discomfort for the diversion. He didn’t need Dr. Romero to tell him that he had spent too much time thinking about Gwen and what had happened to her.
He didn’t want to believe that she was dead, but maybe she was, if that was the case, who had done it and where was the body? Why would anyone want to hurt Gwen? Gwen had never hurt anybody. He wondered if she’d run away.
At the end of the street, he turned left onto a road that was normally busy but there were no cars. The college building was dark and empty, as he would expect at whatever time of night this was, but where were the taxis and busses and why were there no lights on in the houses? He looked down the side streets, but they seemed to be made of nothing but shadows and he was sure that something was looking back at him.
Everyone thought that he had done it and it might have been easy for him to believe it as well. He’d proven that he was capable of hurting people, but he always remembered doing it. Surely if he’d hurt Gwen, he would remember. No, he was certain he hadn’t done it and he needed to hold onto that. If he started to question himself, then it was all over.
The rain stopped as suddenly as it had started, but now the gentle wind cut right through his wet clothes. He shivered and put his hands in his damp pockets. He felt his phone. Over the last few days, he must have called her a hundred times and every time it had gone straight to her answer phone.
At the end of his street, he saw a white police car parked beneath the street light. No attempt had been made to hide it. He could see two figures inside and wondered if one of them was Detective Flores.
Nathan walked towards the car and glanced behind him. Two yellow eyes had stopped at the end of the road, hidden in the darkness that should have been obliterated by the lights. He didn’t slow down as he approached the car, but he heard the electric window being opened and a voice called out to him.
“Been somewhere Mr. Custer?” said a man’s deep voice.
Nathan stopped but didn’t turn towards them immediately. If the ghoul had followed him, then he might have been able to prove his innocence, but when he glanced back, he saw that the eyes were gone. He sighed and turned towards the police car.
“I went to collect my job seekers,” he said.
The man was big. He seemed to be spilling out of the little car. He glanced at his watch. “It’s a bit late for that, isn’t it? Where did you go afterwards?”
Nathan couldn’t remember, but he supposed he must have gone somewhere. He didn’t like not knowing and he suspected the police would like it even less. “I went for a walk,” he said.
“Awfully long walk.”
Nathan shrugged.
The police man didn’t say anything.
“Is there anything I can help you with officer?” Nathan said.
The man sitting beside him mumbled something and then the officer turned back to him. “Nothing right now,” he said. “But don’t go anywhere.”
Nathan nodded. It was the same thing they always said. As soon as they had the smallest bit of new evidence they would arrest him again. The fact that they were just watching him proved that they were grasping at straws. It proved he hoped, his innocence.
Inside he could hear people talking in the kitchen. Ordinarily he might have gone straight to his room. He was exhausted, but he knew that he would spend hours going over everything that had happened and sleep would never come. Instead, he walked into the kitchen and hoped that the people he lived with could take his mind off things, even if it was only for a few minutes.
They stopped talking as soon as he walked in. Nathan stood in the doorway and they looked at him.
“Nathan,” Libby said. She stood up and walked towards him. She put a hand on his arm. “How are you feeling?”
He hadn’t told them about what was going on, but it would have been easy for them to find out. The newspapers were covering the search for Gwen and they knew enough about his past to link him to it. The police car parked outside would tell them the rest.
“I’m fine,” he lied. Now he wished that he’d gone straight up to his room.
“I need to... I’ve got an early start in the morning,” said Aaron. He squeezed past Nathan without making eye contact.
“Me too,” said Bella and Sophie.
Richard, David and Alex didn’t even make an excuse. They just got up from the table and walked out.
“Sorry,” Libby said.
Nathan nodded.
“Has there been any news?” Libby said.
Nathan suddenly felt a wave of intense exhaustion. He was sure that if he blinked for too long he would fall asleep. He fell towards the table and pulled out a chair. Libby sat down opposite him.
“Are you okay?” Libby said.
&nb
sp; Nathan shook his head but he suddenly didn’t have the energy to speak and he wasn’t sure that he should be speaking to her anyway. Libby had problems of her own, if she didn’t, she wouldn’t be in the house. It seemed selfish to burden her with his own worries.
“Have they found anything out?” she said.
Nathan looked at her and sighed. “No. They still think I did it.”
She reached across the table and put her hand on his. Her long flowery sleeve moved up her arm a little and he could see the badly healed scars that lined her arm. She squeezed his hand and he smiled at her.
“I think I’m going mad,” Nathan said. He tried to smile, but it was gallows humour at best.
“What makes you say that?” Libby said.
He shook his head but found that, now he had started, he couldn’t easily stop. “I’m seeing things,” he said.
“Like what?” Libby said. She squeezed his hand again. He could feel the callouses on her palm.
“I don’t know,” he said. He tried to think of a way he could describe the ghoul’s that wouldn’t make him sound crazy. “Just people, I guess.” People who were bigger than any people he’d seen before; people who seemed to lurch rather than walk; people who didn’t seem particularly smart but seemed very dangerous. “It feels like they’re following me.”
He looked at Libby to try and gauge her reaction. She had a sympathetic smile, but he couldn’t tell what she was really thinking.
“Maybe they aren’t there at all,” he said. “They probably aren’t.”
“They might be,” Libby said. She was obviously just trying to make him feel better and hearing someone else say so actually did.
He shook his head.
Libby suddenly stood up. “Do you want something to drink?” she said.
“What have you got?” he said.
“Vodka,” she said.
He thought about it for a moment and then nodded. It probably wasn’t a good idea to add alcohol to his sleep deprived body, but a little intoxication might help him relax and maybe he could get some sleep instead of staring at his ceiling wondering what Gwen was doing.
“Wait here then,” Libby said and then walked out of the kitchen towards her room.
A short while later they sat at opposite each other with the bottle between them. After two glasses mixed with orange juice, Nathan had a pleasant buzz going. He felt more relaxed and more open to certain possibilities. Libby was smiling at him and he wondered why he hadn’t taken the time to get to know her before. Maybe this was what it was always like in the house and he missed it all by staying in his room. Just one of many things he might change if he had his time over.
“Do you miss her?” Libby said. Her voice had a pleasant slur to it.
“Every day,” Nathan said.
“She broke up with you, right?”
He nodded. “She wanted to have children. I guess she didn’t want to wait around to find out if I was going to pull through or not.”
Libby looked surprised.
“No, I mean, it wasn’t like that.” He was worried that he was making Gwen seem kind of callous. “She was there for me, we were still friends but...” he shook his head and swallowed the last of his drink. Libby was reaching for his glass to refill it before he’d even put it down. “I was in a bad way.”
“And she couldn’t support with you?” Libby said as she handed him back his glass.
“I said some pretty horrible things.”
She nodded, but he didn’t think he’d explained himself properly. He didn’t want Libby to think badly of Gwen.
“Seriously,” Nathan said. He noticed the slur in his own voice for the first time. “I was in a fucked up place.”
Libby didn’t say anything and they sat together in silence for a moment while they both added more alcohol to their psychosis.
“What do you think happened to her?” Libby said.
“I--“
She suddenly sat up straight. She looked startled and he wondered what had happened to his expression. “Sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. Shit. I’ve got no fucking filter.”
Nathan saw that she was pushing the nail of her right thumb hard into the soft bit of skin between her thumb and forefinger on her left hand. “It’s fine,” he said.
“No,” she said. “It’s not. I’m such a fucking idiot.”
“Really, it’s fine,” Nathan said. He let go of his glass and reached across the table to take her hands. He didn’t want to see her hurting herself and know that he had driven her to it.
She looked at him and he held her gaze. There was nothing romantic about it.
“I don’t know what happened to her,” he said at last. “I wish I did.”
“Don’t you want to find out?” Libby said.
“Of course I do,” Nathan said, although he wasn’t really sure about that. What if something terrible had happened to her? Maybe it would be better if he never knew.
“No,” Libby said and then she paused as if she was waiting for him to get up to speed. “I mean, don’t you want to find out.”
The emphasis of the words changed or something because what she actually said was exactly the same, but it meant something different. “You mean go and look for her?” he said.
Libby shrugged. “If it was me, yeah, I’d want to be doing something.”
Nathan looked at her, but he didn’t know what to say. At first the idea seemed absurd but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like a possibility. If he found her and helped her, she was bound to fall back in love with him.
“It’s a stupid idea,” Libby said.
“No,” Nathan said, but his voice was so small and weak that he wasn’t sure she heard him.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“It’s fine.”
She pulled her hands away from him and stood up. He didn’t have the strength to stand and go with her. He watched her pour the last of her vodka down the sink and then rinse out the glass and fill it with water.
“Clean that before you go to bed,” she said, looking at his still full glass. “If anyone smells the alcohol...”
Nathan nodded distantly. He sat at the kitchen table, unable to move and no longer interested in the orange vodka in front of him. He knew that it wasn’t wise to go looking for Gwen but was it even possible? He couldn’t think of a reason why not.
Eventually, he found the strength to get up and clean his glass. He dragged his weary body up the three sets of stairs to his small bedroom in the loft. It was cold, but he barely noticed. He climbed into bed and slept a dreamless sleep for the first time in weeks.
CHAPTER 14
NATHAN STOOD IN THE ALLEYWAY OPPOSITE GWEN’S HOUSE. It was an hour before sunset, but the sky was already dark and covered with bruise coloured clouds. A bitter wind blew rain that felt like bits of glass against his face. He had figured that the best place to start looking for her was the last place that he had seen her, but now he wasn’t so sure.
It seemed as if he could feel the emptiness radiating out of the little terrace house. It looked smaller without any signs of life in it. If he’d had a key, he would have gone inside, regardless of what it might have looked like to anyone watching. He couldn’t afford to worry about that if he was going to find her.
He wondered what the police would think if he did find her. They would probably assume that he had known where she was all along and that his ability to do what they hadn’t was further proof of his guilt. But Gwen would be able to tell them who had really taken her. She would be able to clear his name and take him back.
If it was the ghoul’s that had taken her she would also be able to prove that he wasn’t insane. The idea of that was appealing but did he really believe they were the ones who had taken her? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure whether not being sure was an improvement or a sign that he was getting worse. What if he really had done something to Gwen, but he couldn’t remember...
>
He forced himself to stop thinking like that. He hadn’t done anything to her and he had to believe that because if he didn’t then he couldn’t believe anything at all and they might as well put him back in Happy Trails because life would lose all meaning for him.
There was nothing to see at her house but he watched the cars coming up the road and struggling to find a place to park. People got out and went into their houses. He stayed in the alleyway until night fell and then began to think about what he was going to do next.
He wasn’t sure what he had expected to find there but where else could he have gone? It was the last place that anyone had seen her, but it was a dead end.
Nathan heard movement behind him. There had been people walking along the alleyway every few minutes since he had arrived, but the footsteps he heard now were different. Slower and heavier, one or both of the feet was being dragged along the ground. He didn’t want to turn around and see it, but he knew that he had to.
The ghoul stopped and looked at him. Its yellow eyes seemed to shine with a malicious glee. It was smiling, but it wasn’t a happy expression. Nathan recognised it as the same creature he had seen that first night, one of the pairs that had sent him to Gwen’s house in the first place. He didn’t move and neither did it.
“What do you want?” Nathan said, aware that there was a good chance anyone who saw him would think he was talking to himself. Maybe he was, but he couldn’t deny the creature he saw in front of him. It was as solid as the buildings either side of it and it smelled like something that had died.
The ghoul didn’t reply. Behind it the street lights flickered and then went out. Nathan took a step backwards.
He knew that he needed to run. The ghoul was looking at him as if it was starving and he was dinner. It was twice Nathan’s size and looked four times as strong. If it grabbed him, he wouldn’t stand a chance but it just stood there.
“You can see him?”
The voice spoke in English but with an accent Nathan had never heard before. It sounded as if the speaker had a tongue that was too big for its mouth and he could imagine dribble running down its face.
