“No problem,” Tori answered, rising. “Honestly.”
“It’s lovely to meet you.” If she didn’t sound exactly sincere, well, at least she was making a good-faith effort. “I hope you and Connor will be…very happy.”
“And you and Constantin, too.” Tori bestowed one of her most gracious smiles.
Jennifer glanced at CJ. He bounced to his feet and hugged her. Then she turned to Connor. “Walk me out?”
“Of course.” Connor got up and followed his ex-wife to the door.
Once it was just the two of them, on the porch, she said quietly, “I wanted to discuss this last issue where CJ couldn’t hear.”
“All right.” This last issue. It sounded ominous.
“CJ wants to stay here for the school year.”
“Yes.” He hurried to reassure her. “I’ve made it clear that it isn’t going to happen.”
“He told me he’s doing well, studying with Tori?”
“Yes. He’s doing very well.”
“Then I wouldn’t be averse to his staying here to go to school.”
If what went before had seemed improbable, what Jennifer had just said was downright incredible. Connor had to consciously stop himself from gaping like a dumbstruck fool. “You’re serious?”
“Yes, I am. I would want him with Constantin and me on a regular basis, for at least a few months total in the year. But he’s growing up now.”
“Uh. Yes, he is.”
“He has a right to make a few decisions for himself.”
“He, uh, he certainly does.”
“Discuss it with him. Call me.”
“I will.”
Inside, CJ was not only beaming at the way things had turned out, he was also ready to go to work. Tori wanted to go on home. Connor told her he’d be over to see her, as soon as he took CJ to the Hopping H.
On the ride out to Melanie’s ranch, Connor told his son what Jennifer had said out on the porch.
CJ knew what he wanted. “Well, Dad, I do want to go to school here.” His brown eyes were shining.
So it was settled, except for the thousand and one details. Connor would have to speak with Melanie and Russ again about this, ask them if they’d meant it when they said CJ could stay with them. And CJ’s visits with his mother and Constantin would have to be scheduled.
“All right, then,” Connor said, as he pulled into the yard at the Hopping H ranch house. “We can work everything else out as we go along.”
“You bet we can, Dad. It’s all going to turn out fine.” CJ sent him a big, warm smile before shoving open his door. “See you at one?”
“I’ll be here.”
“Dad?”
“Yeah.”
“Now and then, even men need a hug.”
“Yes, they do.” And he leaned awkwardly across the console and hugged his son.
“I love you, Dad,” CJ said in a whisper.
“And I love you, son.”
Connor drove back to town thinking about miracles. Because somehow, in the past month, the sulky, troubled CJ had disappeared. His son was back on track, and more. He was a happy kid now, working hard at his studies, comfortable in his new hometown. The change was all that Connor might have hoped for—and more.
He thought about Tori. And he wished…
What? That he could ask her to marry him and really mean it this time? That they could have forever, together, after all? Live happily every after in Thunder Canyon, Montana?
That was not going to happen. He lived in Philadelphia. He traveled a lot. His work was his whole life. Tori deserved so much more than he could ever offer her.
Plus, she belonged here. She loved it here. She’d told him once that she planned to live in Thunder Canyon until she was old and gray. He believed that.
And even though he seemed to have made a kind of peace with his ex-wife, he was far from ready to try marriage again. Not even to someone as terrific as Tori.
He made the turn to her house, and felt the eagerness rise in him. To see her. To be with her. To take her in his arms.
No, it wasn’t going to last forever. But while it did, he intended to make the most of every moment.
Chapter Twelve
Tori was waiting for Connor to arrive.
She had a few things to say to him. Important things. Difficult things. And her intentions must have been there, written clearly on her face. Because he knew it instantly when she opened the door to him. She watched his expression change from glad—to apprehensive.
“What?” he said. “What’s happened?”
She led him into the kitchen, poured him some coffee and slid into the chair across from him. “The custody battle is over. And everybody won.”
He looked at the cup in front of him, but didn’t touch it. “Yeah. Good news, huh?”
“Good news.” She forced a smile.
He added, “And it also looks like CJ will be staying here for the school year.”
That surprised her. It was, apparently, a day for surprises. “Wow. When did that happen?”
“When I walked Jennifer outside. She told me it was time that CJ got to make a few decisions for himself.”
“You talked to CJ about it?”
He nodded. “On the way to the Hopping H. He’s excited.”
“I’ll bet he’s floating on air.” Did that mean Connor would be living full-time in Thunder Canyon? Hope rose within her, but she tamped it down.
He said, “I think Melanie and Russ will take him, when I’m not around.”
“Ah.” She should have guessed. She asked carefully, “Do you…trust that Jennifer will keep her word about all of this?”
“I do.” His answer was firm. “Mostly because of Constantin. After seeing them together today, I think he really loves her.”
“And she loves him.”
“Yes. I think he’ll keep her honest.”
Her chest felt tight. She drew in a slow breath. “Yeah. I see that.”
“Tori. What’s going on?”
She folded her hands on the tabletop. The showy engagement diamond he’d bought for her caught the light and glittered brightly. “We started down this road so CJ could have his summer here. Now we know he will have the summer—and the school year, too.”
His eyes were dark as the middle of the night. “What are you telling me?”
“That I think it’s time we…talked.”
“We are talking.”
“I mean, about us.”
“What about us?”
“About how we’re going to end this fake engagement of ours.”
There was a silence. A bleak one. Tori tried to gauge his response. She couldn’t read him.
He took his coffee cup by the handle, but only to move it a few inches to the right. He didn’t raise it to his lips. “We already talked about it. In August, we’ll tell everyone we broke up.”
She looked at him patiently. “Connor. Please. There’s no reason to wait for August now.”
He did drink then. He lifted the cup, knocked back a gulp, set it down again. “Right now? Is that what you’re saying? You want to end it now?”
“No.”
“Then what are you getting at?”
“I don’t… I think it’s time we started stepping back.”
“Stepping back.” He echoed her words with hollow precision. “And just how do you want to do that?”
“We need to begin to…drift apart. I’ll still wear your ring.” She twisted the gorgeous thing on her finger, caught herself. Let it go. “But I think we should stop spending so much time together. I think we should stop…sleeping together.”
Again, he echoed her. “Stop sleeping together…”
“Yes. I, well, I’d like a little time, you know? I need to separate what’s real from the story we made up. And the best way for me to do that is not to, um, make love with you anymore.”
“When did you decide this?”
“I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.
”
“And yet you kept telling me that everything was fine.” It was an accusation.
“Oh, Connor. It was bound to end. We both knew that. I’m only saying I want to get real about this. Now that Jennifer has come around, we don’t have to pretend anymore. And I want that, I want to stop pretending, at least when it comes to the two of us, one on one.”
“Let me get this straight. You want to break up—to end it now, as far as what we really have together.” His voice was hard. Flat. “But until the end of August, we’ll go on pretending that we’re still engaged.”
“Or not. That’s okay, too. We can end it right now, if that’s better for you. I just thought, since you’ll be here full-time at least until then, it would be better for you if you didn’t have to deal with all the questions, with everyone in town wondering went wrong.”
“I don’t give a damn what everyone thinks. Now the custody issue is resolved, it’s fine, okay? Whatever you want.”
She longed for him to understand. But she could see that he didn’t. Softly, she chided, “You don’t act like it’s fine.”
His face was a cold mask, showing her nothing of the man within. “Well, it is. It’s fine.”
“I don’t want to hurt you. I really don’t.”
“Did I say I was hurt?”
“No. No, of course, you didn’t. I just need…some time, that’s all. Time to get over you.” Her throat was so dry. She swallowed convulsively. She felt like such a coward, to be dancing around the real issue like this. To be going on about getting over him, about needing time, without once having said the main truth, without putting the scariest words right out there. She babbled on. “I need to be reminded that this engagement is just an act. And I can’t do that this way, with us being lovers. I keep…losing track, forgetting where the line is, between what’s real and what’s not.”
His cold expression didn’t change. “You’ve been building up to this for a couple of weeks now, haven’t you?”
She couldn’t deny it. “Yes. That’s true. I have.”
“Since that night I woke up and you were sitting in the corner…”
“Oh, Connor.” And she edged a little closer to the emotional precipice. “It was a day or two before that, if you want to know the exact date.”
“What day?” It was a demand.
“It was the night of the engagement party, the night we argued over your plans to fire Grant.”
“Why that night?” He sounded like a lawyer. A lawyer cross-examining her, determined to force her to reveal her deepest secret.
She stared at his beloved face across the table. And she knew she was going to do it, was going to lay her heart wide-open, to tell him the hardest truth.
“Why that night?” he commanded a second time.
She trembled. It was so silly, to be this upset. If he loved her, if he’d changed his mind about the future, if he wanted it to end differently than they’d always planned, he would have said so by now.
At least, if she didn’t tell him, she could salvage some pride. “You don’t want to know, Connor.”
“Yes,” he said coldly. “I do.” He was so very angry.
But she saw right then that his anger was no more the issue than her pride was. There was so much more going on here than hurt feelings, than mere pride. She saw that she needed to tell him. She needed to say the all-important words.
Tori told the truth. “Because the night we argued about Grant was the night I realized I’m in love with you.”
Connor’s world seemed to tip on its axis.
Should he have known? Why hadn’t he known, why hadn’t he realized?
And why the hell did he feel so damn happy, all of a sudden?
There was nothing to be happy about. Love wasn’t in the deal. He wasn’t…ready for that. He didn’t think he would ever be.
The sudden joy vanished as quickly as it had risen, leaving him empty. Drained. And disgusted with himself—for the interrogation he’d just put her through, for being such a complete ass about this.
He had nothing to offer her, no right to make demands of her, to badger her into this corner, to force her to reveal to him what would have been better left alone.
All she’d wanted was what she had every right to ask for. To be free. To be done with this beautiful, impossible lie they were living.
He stood up then, the movement so swift that she gasped in surprise. “Tori, I’m sorry. So damn sorry.”
She let out a slow breath. And a sad little laugh escaped her. “Well. Not really the response I was hoping for.”
“I don’t know what’s the matter with me, to treat you so badly, to put you through this…inquisition. After all you’ve done for me and for my son. That was unforgivable of me.”
“Connor. It’s all right. Don’t—”
He chopped the air with an impatient hand. “No. It’s not all right. You’re an amazing woman and I’ve been the luckiest man alive, to have had these few incredible weeks with you. I…didn’t want it to end, that’s all. Even though it has to end, even though, after what happened today with Jennifer, it’s time for it to end.”
She sat there, gazing up at him. Her hazel eyes were blue-green again, and deep as oceans. “Connor, if you think you need forgiveness from me, you’ve got it. But as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing to forgive. It’s okay that this was difficult for you, okay if you had to be a little hard on me to get through it. I’m not angry at you. I don’t blame you. I went into this with my eyes wide-open.”
“Well, you should be angry at me. You should hate me.”
“No. I shouldn’t. And I don’t hate you. And, Connor, the only reason this has to be over now is because you aren’t willing, you know? You don’t want this to go anywhere. And I do. And that’s why it’s time we parted ways.”
What could he say to that? She was a million miles ahead of him. “I know. You’re right.”
She took off the ring, held it out to him.
No way. “Keep it. Sell it. Whatever. I…I can’t take it back, Tori. I couldn’t bear that.”
Her smile was so soft, so full of womanly understanding. She set the ring on the table. “All right, then.”
“About CJ…”
“You’ll tell him it didn’t work out with us—but of course, I’ll still tutor him, at least until school starts when we will evaluate his progress. Unless you’ve changed your mind about that?”
“No. It would be great if you would. He’ll be here at two, as usual?”
“Yes, that’s fine.”
There was nothing more to say. “Goodbye, Tori.” He turned to go.
“Connor.” She spoke to his retreating back.
He halted in midstride, but he didn’t turn.
“Thank you,” she said.
He whirled on her, furious all over again. What was the matter with her, to speak so gently, to gaze at him through tender eyes, to be so…kind? He didn’t deserve her kindness. She should be angry with him. Yet she only stood there watching him, the saddest, sweetest smile on her beautiful face.
“Thank you?” he demanded, his voice low and rough. “How can you say that? What are you talking about?”
A tear slid down her cheek, gleaming bright. “All my first dates,” she whispered. “It seemed like a thousand of them. And no man was ever right. The timing was always wrong—oh, once or twice in college, I told myself I was in love. I even made love. But it was never right. It was never real. I…I couldn’t admit to myself, until now. Until you, Connor, that it was me.”
He still didn’t understand. “Tori, I don’t—”
She put up a hand. “I’ve been so afraid, deep in my heart, you know? Afraid of loving. Of losing it all. The way my dad and I lost everything that mattered when my mom died.” Another tear fell. She didn’t even try to brush it away. “Somehow, I missed the main lesson. That a person has to take a chance, to accept the risk of losing, of having to live through the pain and loneliness. Because of
you, Connor, for you, I took the risk.” A small, trembling laugh escaped her. She shook her head. “I took the risk. And it looks like it’s turning out just as I always feared, that I have loved and now I’m losing.”
He couldn’t bear this. “Tori…”
“Uh-uh. Let me say the rest. Let me tell you that I feel…braver, now, because of loving you. Stronger. I know that I can bear the pain and the loneliness when you’re gone. I won’t like it. Sometimes I’ll cry, missing you. But still, I find, deep in my heart, that I’m glad. So glad to have known you. To have called you my love. You are a good man,” she said, her words soft and gentle as a benediction. “You can stop punishing yourself, stop blaming yourself for everything that hasn’t worked out as you intended it to.”
He had no answer for her, nothing more to say. He turned and started walking again.
And that time she made no attempt to stop him. She let him go.
Chapter Thirteen
“Ms. Jones, my dad told me. That you’re not engaged to him anymore.”
“Yes. It…didn’t work out for us.”
“I wish it had.”
“So do I, CJ.”
“But you’ll still…be my friend?”
“Yes, I will.”
“Still let me stop by for juice, with Jerilyn?”
“Definitely. Anytime. With Jerilyn or even if you’re by yourself.”
“And my dad said we could keep on with the tutoring, even after today. At least until school starts. That it was okay with you.”
“That’s right. I think it’s important.”
“Me, too.”
“So we’ll keep on.”
“That’s good.”
“I agree. Shall we get to work?”
“Yes, Ms. Jones. Let’s get to work.”
Somehow, Tori got through the rest of the day. And the long night that followed. Her bed seemed huge and empty without Connor in it, holding her close.
Without the possibility that Connor would ever be in it again.
Friday morning, Allaire called. “How about lunch? DJ took Alex up to the resort with him. I’m a free woman until two. The Teapot?”
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