“How do you know I’m not gay?” I teased, eyes glinting. “Maybe I’m into guys more than girls.”
Alix laughed and shook her head. “No, I’d know that if you were. I’m a bit naive, I’ll admit that, but being in fashion modeling for five years, you quickly develop a very sharp gaydar. It helps to know, it avoids potential awkward situations.”
I had to give it to her there. “I guess I’ve never had a certain type,” I said, feeling for the first time like I was the one being questioned, but not minding it at all. “I mean, I’ve dated all sorts of women.”
“Bull crap Kade,” Alix laughed, teasing me. “Come on, every guy has a type. I’m not saying you wouldn’t date a girl who’s a ten in any particular category. And I don’t mean mentally. Personalities come in any type of container, and can always trump a body, at least to me, and I think to you too. But if you had your druthers, everything else being equal, what’s your type?”
I don’t know why I said what I did. Maybe it was the sun, maybe it was the fact that I had spent the day being more impressed with Alix than I was frustrated. I don’t know. But I told her the utter, undeniable truth. “Tall, blonde, blue eyes, soft and plump lips . . . an English Rose type with beautiful curves and silky, smooth skin. What about you?”
We stopped walking. Alix turned to me, and was silent a moment before speaking. “Tall, dark hair, handsome, athletic but not bulky, chiseled jaw, you know the kind,” she said, reaching up and tracing my jawline.
Our faces came closer, like it was as natural as breathing. In front of me was the most beautiful woman in the world, and I could see in her eyes that she was attracted to me. My hands came to rest on her waist, so narrow and fragile I could barely believe it, her big, blue eyes looking up into mine.
The kiss was the most sensual thing I’d ever felt in my life to that point. Her lips were even softer than they looked, almost melting against me. My body thrilled at the touch, as if a circuit had been completed. In that instant, I knew that, beyond all other doubts, Alix was the woman I was meant to be with, that no other woman in the world would compare to her.
But when Alix’s tongue hesitantly reached out to touch mine, a cold fire surged through my brain. All of the dark fantasies I’d lied to myself about, all of the ways that I had wanted to chastise Alix, to bend her over, to engage in the violent passions that tore at my soul, all of those images from my dreams that I had never told anyone about . . . those images flared to my mind.
With a muffled curse of disgust at myself, I pushed Alix away. “No . . . what the fuck are you thinking?” I muttered to myself. “Get a hold of yourself.”
Without thinking, I turned and ran down the last bit of pier toward the beach, back to Alix’s place, not slowing until I was in my car. I fled from the beast locked inside me, the beast that I could never let Alix see.
CHAPTER 7
ALIX
I n one moment, I was in pure bliss. I’d spent the whole weekend with a man who was everything I wanted. Then, in something as natural as breathing and as irresistible as the sun’s gravity, we were there, on the Hermosa Pier, our lips pressed together and his arms wrapped around me. I’d never felt safer, never felt more secure or more complete than when his lips pressed against mine.
In an instant though, my entire world was shattered. “No . . . what the fuck are you thinking?” Kade muttered as he pushed me away, disgust written on his face with every pore of his skin and twist of his handsome features. “Get a hold of yourself.”
I could only stare and watch as Kade nearly ran away from me in utter disgust and hatred, like I was a leper or something. My feet were in concrete, my knees turned to water and I sagged to the thankfully nearby bench. I stared at my hands, my brain just stuck trying to process the whole situation.
My inner voice started chastising me. Come on, Alix, you know it’s just what you deserve. Your Daddy left you, every boyfriend you’ve ever had left you. Sydney was so bored and repulsed by you he was constantly finding other women. Then you go and try and seduce the best guy in your life, Kade? No wonder he pushed you away, one touch from your lips probably told him everything he needed to know about you. He gives you the money, and you leap into his arms. You would have fucked him, too, if he’d given you half a chance, you stupid slut.
“No, no, no, no,” I repeated to myself, over and over. It had to be all lies, wasn’t it? There was no way I was that worthless.
I mean, sure, Daddy never contacted me after Mom took me away, but that was my mother’s fault, wasn’t it?
Sydney was a cheating bastard. I’d never done anything to give him a reason to cheat on me, I’d been the best girlfriend I knew how to be. Right?
The other boyfriends, the line of guys who I’d dated, some of whom I’d slept with, they’d all been a line of losers too, right?
Come off it, you fucking loser. You’re an idiot. Think about it. Which is more likely, that you’re fucked up or that every man in your life since the time you were born has been nothing but a fucking bastard? Especially since you know for sure that Kade isn’t. Honey, if there was any man in the world that you could know one hundred percent for sure is a good man, it’s Kade. You’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about him, ever. The Pope has more detractors than Kade Prescott. And you go and throw yourself at him like some common slut.
Tears formed in my eyes, and I watched them stain the concrete between my feet in a gentle rain. I don’t know how long I sat there like that, but the next thing I was aware of was a hand on my shoulder. I looked up with reckless hope, knowing even from the texture of the skin of the fingertips that it wasn’t Kade.
Instead, it was an older woman, maybe in her fifties or sixties, the same one who had teased her husband when I had first hugged Kade. “Honey, are you all right?”
“Yeah,” I said, wiping at my eyes and trying to smile. It didn’t pay to show weakness in Los Angeles, even to kindly looking older ladies. “Just things went a bit pear-shaped, as my Aussie friend likes to say.”
The woman nodded and casually sat down next to me, not even asking for permission. I looked around and saw the man she had been with (Gerald, maybe?) standing on the other side of the pier, leaning on the railing and looking out at the seagulls that constantly circled the water. “You know, I was so surprised when I saw you sitting there crying, I had to stop. Gerald says I’m too much of a nosy Nellie, but I can’t help it. It’s just in my nature I guess. I’m the sort that if I see a kitten stuck in a tree, I go and get a ladder to help, even though everyone knows that once it’s hungry enough, the kitten will get itself out of there. I’m guessing you had a problem with your boyfriend we saw earlier?”
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I corrected her, shaking my head. “He’s just . . . he’s just my stepbrother.”
The woman, I remembered now her name was Jayne, gave me a surprised glance before looking down at her hands. “I wouldn’t have known, honestly. You two looked like the most perfect couple I’ve seen in a long time. You two looked complete together, if you know what I mean.”
I guffawed silently to keep back the tears that threatened to spill down my cheeks again. “I didn’t mean to. I was just there, and one thing led to another.”
“One thing leads to another often in life, dear,” Jayne said. “Sometimes, that chain of events can lead to disaster. But they can also lead to great things. I was serious, that young man you were with, he looked at you with a look on his face that told me everything I needed to know. He feels for you.”
“Then why did he run away like I’m disgusting?” I half whispered, half wailed.
Jayne shrugged. “There could be many reasons, dear. Do you think it had anything to do with your stepbrother? I don’t mean to pry, but how long have you known each other?”
“About eight years,” I replied. “Our parents started dating when I was thirteen. But we’ve been living separate lives most of the time.”
She nodded. “Let me give you some advi
ce, from someone who’s been around the sun a few more times than you have. Love is a crazy thing, and can come from almost anywhere. But it is also very, very fragile. You say eight years, but there’s a lot that you may not know about him. Does he know everything about you?”
I shook my head. After all, Kade knew nothing about my situation with Sydney. He just gave me the money after a short talk. “No.”
“Then you don’t know everything about him. We all have secrets and dark corners of our life that we feel the need to protect, either from ourselves or from the view of others. But love, love is like a light that shines into those dark corners if you let it. The question is, are you willing to go after that love, and let those dark corners of your life be illuminated?”
I nodded without even thinking. Jayne smiled. “Then go after him. Give him some time to think, and you think too, but go after him.”
I smiled in return, some of my despair lifting. “You don’t think it’s weird that him and I are . . . you know?”
“Why should I?” Jayne said. She looked over at Gerald, then back at me. “Love can start in all sorts of unusual situations.”
I looked from the Jayne to Gerald, and saw something that made them more beautiful than I had ever felt, despite the gray hairs and wrinkles on both of them. “Thank you,” I said, wiping my face. “I understand.”
Jayne patted my knee and stood up. “Just one thing, sweetie,” she said as she got to her feet. “Remember that light of love? It illuminates your dark corners . . . but it also illuminates his. You may find something in his life that surprises you. Can you handle it?”
She walked away without waiting for my answer, going over to Gerald and taking his hand. They walked away down the pier hand in hand, Gerald looking back over his shoulder once to give me a nod before they disappeared into the crowd.
I sat there until nearly sunset, thinking about what the woman had told me. Was it really that Kade and I were meant for each other? I didn’t know. But after so many disappointments, I didn’t have anything else to lose.
* * *
I was only slightly surprised when I checked my bank account on Monday evening and saw that I had an extra sixty thousand dollars in the account. After the way that Kade had left me on the pier the day before, I wasn’t sure if he’d follow through. I’d had a nagging doubt the whole day. I didn’t call or text him about it because I was worried that it would make me look like I was gold digging. Considering the way I felt about my mother, that was the last impression I ever wanted to make on someone.
After checking my account, I called the bank to find out how I could access it. They told me for that amount of money to be withdrawn in cash, they needed twenty-four hours’ notice, and I had to do it at one of the main branches, the nearest being in Torrance. I put in the request, and hung up the phone with a sense of at least partial relief. Regardless of how things went with Kade, I thought, I could at least get Sydney off my back.
Yeah, and perhaps you’re going to be the President some day, the inner voice inside me jeered. By the way, if you’re going to actually go after Kade, you might want to start by telling him thank you.
I didn’t know if Kade was still in Los Angeles, or if he’d gone back to Portland, but I figured it couldn’t hurt to check. I got in my car and drove out to Laguna Hills, knowing that if he was in town he’d probably still be there.
As I drove, I thought about Kade. For most of our relationship, since about the time I turned fifteen or sixteen, he’d done a lot of teasing of me. Not in public, mind you, but in private, he always had a little taunt for me. I wondered as I drove if perhaps Kade’s teasing was just his way of trying to deal with the attraction that I realized I’d felt for him most of the time I’d known him. At first it had just been a little teenage crush thing. I mean, there I was, thirteen going on fourteen, and Mom was dating a guy whose son was tall, muscular, handsome, smart, just a total dream. He was like the unattainable perfect guy, and I dismissed it as I focused on getting started in modeling, and yes, learning to date myself.
Later on, as Kade left Los Angeles and established himself up north, I thought I’d moved on. Still, every time he came back to town, I found myself admiring him and occasionally having the little fantasy about him. I know it had cost me one boyfriend, who’d come by the house at the same time Kade was in town and broke it off with me two weeks later, stating I was obsessed with someone else. I never told Mom, Derek or Kade about it though, and just tried to put it out of my mind.
Pulling up to the house in Laguna Hills, I saw that Kade’s car was still out front, which gave me a flare of hope. There was another car there, but I didn’t think about it, since it was still during the staff’s business hours. I figured it belonged to the maid or something.
Heading inside, I listened for any signs of Kade being around. While his car was out front, that didn’t mean he was actually there. He could’ve gone out with an old buddy for all I knew. Tossing my bag on the table next to the door, I walked upstairs. “Kade? Hey, Kade, are you around?”
I heard movement from Kade’s room, and I walked toward the sound when the door opened and Kade came out, a pair of shorts on and nothing else. “Alix,” he said, closing his door behind him. “What are you doing here?”
He looked surprised to see me, and there was something else on his face that I wasn’t sure I could identify. His face was flushed, and there was a light sheen of sweat on his upper body, his six pack shining in the dim light of the hallway. Each muscle was flushed and defined, and he looked sexier than I’d ever seen anyone look in my life. I had to swallow twice to get enough lubrication to free up my vocal cords.
“Uh, I just wanted to come by and say thank you,” I said, making sure to keep my distance. I didn’t know if I could trust myself with the way he looked standing there. “I just talked to my bank and . . . ”
The door behind Kade opened and a pretty blonde girl walked out. She was shorter than me, and she looked like she was at least partially Asian, at least from her facial features. Considering she was wearing an emerald silk bath robe, I knew for certain that she was a knockout, while at the same time I also knew exactly what they’d been up to. “Oh.”
“Kade, after that, I am so going to need a shower,” the girl said with a confident, sexy little smile and swagger to her voice and body. She looked at me with frank consideration, and then her smile grew larger, like she had just discovered a secret. “So you’re Alix. I’ve heard so much about you. I’m Rita, a . . . friend of Kade’s from a long time back. Good to finally meet you.”
Rita offered her hand and I shook it out of pure instinct. She sauntered off down the hallway, giving Kade a little wave as she disappeared into the guest shower. “So . . . ”
“Alix, I’ve known Rita for a long time,” Kade said. “She and I, there’s no emotional bond there. We’re just friends.”
“A bit more than friends, I’d say,” I replied. I shook my head. “Listen, Kade, it doesn’t matter. Your life is your life. I had some assumptions, sure, but obviously things are different than what I thought. I just wanted to come by and say thank you in person, you did me a really huge favor.”
“You’re welcome. Um, I know this is strange, but would you mind hanging out a bit? I’d like to just make sure you understand some stuff from yesterday,” Kade replied, shifting from side to side. I really wished he hadn’t done that, I could tell from the way the fabric moved and things shifted around he wasn’t wearing any underwear underneath the shorts. “Please?”
“I think you should probably shower and get changed first,” I replied, giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he didn’t feel for me the way I felt for him, but he was trying to be nice. I’d hear him out. “Tell you what, I’ll go hang out in my room. Just come get me when you’re ready. If anything, I still owe you an Indian dinner.”
Kade smiled, his white teeth flashing brightly in the hallway, and I felt a twinge at my heart, thinking that smile would never be meant
for me the way I had come to realize I wanted it to be. “Yeah, I think we can do that. Let me shower and get changed.”
I went to my room, trying to distract myself by picking up the same bad novel I’d been reading just a few days before. This time I actually was able to get into the hackneyed prose when there was a knock on my door and someone came in.
“Kade, I know that . . . ” I started, before seeing that it was Rita. “I’m sorry, but I didn’t invite you in.”
“I wouldn’t have violated your space, Miss Alix, if it wasn’t that I had to tell you something important,” Rita replied. She was still wearing her emerald green robe, although her hair hung wet and pulled back over her shoulder. “Please, only two or three minutes.”
There was something in her voice and eyes that said I needed to listen to what she had to say. “Did Kade ask you to come in here?”
“No, he doesn’t know I’m in here. He enjoys long showers, you know; it helps him relax.”
I nodded, only somewhat surprised. “You’ve known Kade a long time, I take it.”
“We went to high school together,” she said simply, “but despite what you saw, he and I have never had a deep emotional relationship. We’ve offered each other a different type of support and comfort over the years as we need it.”
“You’re his FWB,” I replied. “I’d heard of that sort of thing before, but never met anyone like that.”
“We’re a bit more than that, but it’s better to show you than tell you,” Rita replied. She turned and lifted the hem of her robe, showing me a very pert and very pink backside. “When we play over at my place it can be quite a bit more, but he was so shaken after yesterday I had to come to him. He’s a good Dom though, and I had no problems about it. This is the first time in the Laguna house. Last time I had to come to him was when you all lived in Beverly Hills.”
Off Limits: A Bad Boy Romance Page 26
