“You make the most Cro-Magnon, sexist, ridiculous things sound amazing, Fitzgerald Carrigan,” Zuly murmured, not pulling away when he placed a kiss just under her chin. “But it’s quite obvious to me that only one of us was aware of the fact that I allegedly belong to you, because I was just alerted to this nugget of information days ago. And I have to tell you, love, you dropped the big one.”
He smiled up at her. “I’m hearing a lot of things, but what I’m not hearing is that you don’t feel the same, Z.”
Her expression couldn’t have gotten haughtier if she tried to make it so. “Perhaps I’m thinking of ways to let you down easy.”
His grin turned into a grimace as he redistributed her weight. Someday his knee felt well enough to rest on, other days it felt as though there were thousands of little needles there. With it still healing, he was caught in a precarious balance to let his body handle the pain naturally and getting help for it.
Zuly went to get up. “You really need to talk to your doctor about finishing that surgery.”
Fitz pulled her back down. “Stop trying to distract me from what we both so obviously want.” With his arms around her waist and his hands gripping her behind, he jerked her against his chest.
She glared down at him. “Your mental and physical health repaired by professionals?”
He smirked. “Poor attempt at pissing me off, Z.”
Her nails dug into his shoulders. “You frustrate me on so many levels.”
“I know, baby.” One hand reached up to firmly grip the nape of her neck, pulling her head down, her lips closer to his own. “I know...” He swallowed whatever it was she was about to say next, taking advantage of the moment she parted her lips to thrust his tongue inside her mouth, parrying it with her own in a dance that had his cock bouncing. How many times had he kicked himself for not doing this years ago? How many times had he fantasized about Zuly, pliant in his arms, just like this? How many more times could he walk away from the temptation that was her mouth, her body?
The answer to that particular question resounded in his head without even a moment’s hesitation. None.
Fitz’s hands pulled at the straps on Zuly’s dress and bra, tugging them down, until she gripped his wrists and stopped him. The golden orbs he knew so well bore into his own before she softly said, “Let me.”
He swallowed, let go and watched with anticipation as she stood from his lap and shimmied out of the floral cloth shielding her from his view just to stand before him in no more than a demi-bra and extremely small lace panties.
“There is a God...and he apparently has some form of mercy for my twisted soul,” Fitz muttered as she resituated herself in his lap, their groins meeting in the slightest of brushes, causing mutual moans of pleasure to emerge from their mouths right before their lips connected once again in the sweetest fusing known to man.
His palms road high on her legs, his thumbs playing just at the skin above her panty line as he listened to the way her breathing changed, felt the tremble in her hands as she smoothed them along his shoulders and beneath the fabric of his robe.
Fitz broke their kiss to nip the tendon just below her jaw, smiling when her inhales turned choppy. “Lie to me and say you don’t belong to me, Zuly.” His fingers hooked into the waistband of her boy shorts, tugging. “Lie to me and say you don’t feel the same way I do.”
The way she stared at him right then. The look in her eyes, the way her lashes lifted and lowered, healed something inside him that he’d thought irreparable. Her hips moved in a slow roll that made his breath leave him on a shuddered sigh as she answered, “It would be pointless, Fitz.” She peered at him, bottom lip caught between her teeth as she raked her nails down his chest. “Because I’ve never been able to lie to you.”
Every kiss was drugging in its effects. The more he received, the more he wanted. The freedom to finally touch Zuly like this–hold her like this–made his movements frantic as he pulled off his robe, tossing it to the other side of the room. Ripping her panties came instinctively, but when he reached for her bra she popped his hands.
“No, sir! This contraption was not cheap!”
His brows drew up at the way sir seemed to come so easily from her. “Off. Take. It. Off.”
Her lips twitched and then, as though by magic, the lace confection was gone, suffering the same fate as his robe. The swells of her perfect breasts bounced free and his mouth watered, hungry to wrap itself around one pert, blackberry nipple until she made him let go. He brought her flush against him again and groaned as the head of his cock slid through the sticky wetness between the lips of her sex.
“I don’t think you know how many times I’ve thought about this.” He gripped her waist, making her ride the ridge of his erection as he nibbled on the lobe of her left ear. “I don’t think you know just how badly I’ve needed this.”
“Then show me,” Zuly rasped, gripping the hair at the nape of his neck and pulling his head back for the onslaught of her mouth. She let his lips go, panting, “Show me, Fitz.”
Without another word, he lifted her then brought her down on his cock, easily gliding through her creamy pussy with nothing more than a grunt leaving him when he tapped her womb.
“Fuck...” she hissed in his ear. “When I said show me, I did not mean for you to take pointers from those before us and impale me, Vlad.”
Fitz barked out a strained laugh. “I’m trying to keep my composure, baby, but all that wiggling is not helping.”
She suddenly stilled, and he chuckled. “Thank you.” When he was sure she’d adjusted, he gripped her about the waist and picked her up, slamming her back down on his length all over again. This time the noise that left her was one of pure pleasure as the muscles in her core clenched around him, delivering feather-soft caresses.
“Oh, God...”
“Not God, Z. Fitz.” He moved her over him with quick, jerky thrusts that made her breasts shake with every push and pull of their hips. Fully wrapping his arms about her once again, Fitz pressed his face to her chest, inhaling the all too familiar scent of vanilla and citrus before pulling a nipple into his mouth, rolling it over his tongue the same way he’d do her clit later.
“Ah.” Zuly yelped just above his head, now moving against him in earnest, her exhales becoming shallow puffs. “So fucking good...”
Fitz let go of her nipple with a wet pop and nipped her chin. Pressing his lips to her ear, he whispered, “Are you about to come for me, Zuly?”
“Yes...God...yes...”
His open-palmed slap to one of her ass cheeks got her attention. “Not God. Fitz.”
She sucked in a deep breath. “Fitz...yes...Fitz...”
“Good girl,” he murmured against her temple. “You feel so good wrapped around me, Zuly. So damn good.”
Her hands tugged at his hair as she continuously slammed down on his waiting cock, her wetness beginning to trickle down her thighs. “Fitz...I need...please...”
He gripped the flesh of her buttocks and pulled the cheeks apart, further spreading her open as he brought her against him time and time again. “Tell me, baby. Tell me what you need.”
“Your mouth...fuck...your mouth...”
“Where? Here?” He wrapped his lips around a nipple again, going back and forth between the two. “Or here?” Fitz sucked at the sweet spot just beneath her ear. “Or here?” He kissed her, pulling her bottom lip between his teeth and tugging.
With a cry Zuly broke, her inner muscles working him over as she kissed him back, her nails digging into the skin just beneath his shoulder blades. Fitz grunted, still controlling the roll of her hips against him as he felt his balls draw up before his dick exploded and he came inside her, his movements not halting until the bitter end.
They sat there like that for the longest time. Neither one saying a word, just trying to draw in a normal breath when Zuly suddenly commented, “Okay, so I admit...I might be in love with you.”
She seemed real indignant when he be
gan to laugh at her.
Chapter Nine
There would never be any way to put how Zuly felt right now into words. But if she had to pick one description, she would call it peace. Something that surpassed what happiness or joy could give her. She was truly, finally at peace. Every moment of her life from the day she’d first looked up into devastatingly blue eyes seemed like the most distant of memories compared to now. Dull, as though none of her time before laying down with Fitz even mattered. How twisted was this? That one man could make her forget every other factor of her existence just by placing his lips to her own.
She had no idea what she’d expected to happen the second he entered her, but the feeling of completion she experienced wasn’t it. It was almost as if something had been missing. Fitz argued that she’d belonged to him from the very day she spoke his name, and who was she to deny the truth?
“You’re thinking again,” Fitz grumbled, shifting marginally as he lifted his head from her chest, his lids popping open so he could glare at her. “Stop that.”
Zuly chewed her lip. “I’m so sorry that my brain is disturbing your comfort.”
He pinched her hip and she jumped. “Don’t sass me, woman.”
Her mouth curved at the corners. “Sorry, Jeb.”
His eyes narrowed. “You’re so mouthy.”
“It’s a part of my charm, baby.”
Grunting, Fitz rolled over, grabbing her body and placing her on top of him. “I like other things about you more,” he murmured, rough palms smoothing down her sides. His lashes lifted, and the stare he gave her took her next inhale away. They sat like that for minutes before he said, “I wish we could stay like this for the rest of our lives. Away from everything and everyone else.”
Zuly grabbed one of his hands, kissed the knuckles and replied, “You mean you wish we could stay like this and forget about whatever it is that’s been haunting you.” His touch was gone in of no time, like she’d burned him.
“Don’t do that, Z.” He wasn’t looking at her anymore. “Don’t ruin the moment.”
“Honesty doesn’t ruin moments, baby. It ruins illusions.” She cupped his face, stared down at him despite the muscle ticking in his jaw. “It shatters fantasy. And as much as I love this, love you, I’m not going to spend the rest of our lives walking on eggshells about your PTSD. You said yourself that you need help.” Her thumb swiped across his lips. “You never have to tell me what scarred you. But you do have to see a counselor. And soon.”
Fitz clenched his jaw, silent. With a sigh, Zuly rolled off him and out of bed. “I’m going to go shower.”
She didn’t get five steps before he said, “She had your eyes.”
Zuly stopped in her tracks, turning back to him slowly. His head was down, eyes focused on his fingers. “Just as golden and just as pretty.”
“Who?” For some reason the question came out in a whisper because she was afraid of the answer. “Who had my eyes?”
He tucked his lips in.
“Fitz?” She walked toward him but he lifted a hand. “If you don’t want to–”
“Let me.” He cut in. “Let me tell you before I...” That hand went to his hair, tugged. “Do you truly grasp what it is to be a SEAL, Zuly?” Fitz cut his eyes in her direction. “I mean truly? Do you understand the basic dynamics of having power and being powerless?”
Swallowing, she shook her head.
“You feel invincible. Untouchable. You are essentially one of the baddest motherfuckers walking the face of the Earth because there are things you can do...things you know.” His fists clenched in his lap. “You’re respected, you’re feared, and you are the face of the military. You are what our defenses are all about.” He looked her fully in the eyes when he whispered, “But it comes with a price.” Shaking his head slowly, Fitz smoothed his hand over the SEAL emblem on his chest. “The right to wear this, to be recognized as a hero, comes with a price, Zuly. One you never consider until the devil himself comes knocking at your door, looking for his due.”
Zuly carefully climbed back into bed, sliding beneath the sheets until she was straddling his thighs. “I’m listening.”
His lids closed. “I’ve seen men die. Team members, civilians...enemies. I’ve killed. I know what it’s like to see the recognition in a man’s eyes before they cloud over with their last breath. I know what it’s like to have to wash someone’s blood off my hands.” He lifted his arms, showing her his palms. “These same fingers have pulled the trigger to a Beretta, baby. Taken the plug off a grenade. Gripped the handle of a knife before slicing into a major artery.”
It was her lids that closed this time. “Jesus, Fitz...”
“Those faces begin to blur into one continuous line. You file them, these humans, under a category in your mind marked necessary kill and you dust your boots the fuck off before you move on.” When he gripped her biceps she jumped. “My gentility can turn within seconds; turn into something disgustingly brutal.” His fingers swiped just under her jaw. “But not with you...never with you...”
When she opened her eyes he was tracing her features with his gaze. “I will never stop being a soldier, Zuly--a SEAL. But I’m damaged, baby. I paid with parts of my soul. Every time I put a man in the ground, every time I blew something to hell, it was like selling bits of me on the black market. Not for one moment will I ever regret the things I did for my country, the things I did to protect you, our future children, their children and so on but there are days where I wonder, was I doing it for the safety of others or the safety of my own person in that moment?”
Zuly held his hand to her face. “What happened?”
His irises seemed to glaze over as his voice dropped. “The death of a child.” He swallowed. “She couldn’t have been more than five or six.” Mouth kicking up on one side, he murmured, “With this wild hair and these huge golden eyes.”
She bit the inside of her cheek to keep from telling him to stop.
“Our mission was to take down a man who was said to be Satan himself. We were to bring him in dead or alive. It didn’t matter which one, really.” Fitz’s face hardened. “We cornered him...and I would’ve taken the shot my goddamn self. I would’ve put one in his skull and watched him drop...but there she was, begging me with those eyes not to let her die. In nothing more than some simple teddy bear PJs and crease marks from a pillow on her face, she was being held dangerously close to the edge of a three-hundred-foot drop.”
Zuly sucked in a huge breath. “How...?”
“He snatched her up from one of the beds in the compound as we were slipping through the doors and windows. Because I was arrogant, I was sloppy. I thought it would be simple; an easy mark and then we could all go home.” Fitz’s lips lifted in a sad smile. “I’d seen so many deaths, so much destruction...so many disgusting things men would do for power but I’d never seen this. I’d never seen a child used like a shield.” He took his hands away. “Many of us are broken by simple and not so simple things. Just the loss of hope, of a spouse, or a family member while we’re away. But this was my thing and it was not simple. I had a man laughing in my face as he told me how he’d already fucked so many people mentally that I could never reach them to reverse it while my team member was shouting at me to move so he could make the hit.”
She didn’t touch him, just sat there, waiting.
Wetness spiked on his lashes as he stared at her. “I didn’t move but he took the hit anyway, and I watched...I watched her fly with him.”
Zuly covered her mouth, stemmed down the sound building in her throat.
“And I lost my fucking mind. I went after Donnelly like he was the enemy and afterwards I was told how he was simply following orders. Of course by then it didn’t matter because he had shot me and that was not an order. I was told it wasn’t my fault. That I had no control over what an insubordinate would and would not do while under me.” His hands fisted the covers. “I was told following orders was always the goal. That doing what you’re told is the on
ly way. And it made me wonder...it made me wonder how many times had I followed orders just like that?” Fitz’s head fell back on his shoulders. “How many times had I done what I was told? How many times did I really differentiate between my enemies? Wonder if they were a father, husband, brother? How many times had I inadvertently caused a family harm because as a SEAL the mission was basically like the biblical will of God? You followed or you were left behind. How many times had I been what others would come to see as a murderer?”
Zuly watched that first tear trickle just down past the bridge of his nose and felt her heart break.
“It wasn’t just her death that scarred me, it wasn’t being shot, it was the realization that she wasn’t the first casualty, nor would she be the last. She saw me as her savior and I failed. But how many people saw me as nothing more than a killer, and I did exactly what they’d expected?”
“No,” came out on a hoarse whisper. She gripped his face between her palms and pressed her lips to his forehead. “You listen to me, Fitzgerald, and you listen closely because this is the first and last time I’ll say this. You are not, nor will you ever be, a murderer. You’re a man who risked his life for fifteen years to ensure the safety of millions you don’t even know. You’re a man who has made not only his country but his family and his best friend proud. You did the best you could, you did what you were told and I commend you. It takes so much to give up everything so others can safely enjoy the freedom we so casually forget exists. Baby, without men like you our country would be lost. You’re a hero, Fitz. A hero. That child did not die in vain, and if she looked to you as though you were her savior, I can assure you, there are countless others who would do the same.” She leaned back, kissed the moisture from his cheeks then pressed her lips to his. “Starting with me.”
He didn’t speak, just hugged her to him in a tight embrace, his head pressed to her chest as he took several shuddering breaths. Zuly ran her fingers through his hair. “I love you. And nothing short of a miracle could change that.”
A SEAL's Heart Page 7
