Time whispers inside my head, demanding its release. Regardless of how healthy I feel, two days of bed rest still means less energy. Choice dribbles away. I am going to have to face the consequences of what I’ve done.
Dragging myself to my feet, I prop my body against the wall near the door, clinging to a vague hope that I might convince Ross I was standing there when he opened it.
With a feeling of imminent doom, I release time.
“… she all right, Mr. Ross?” Yolly’s voice floats in from the main room.
“Mr. Ross.” I try to make my whisper sound playful. “Over here.” Ross spins around so fast it’s as if I’ve smacked him. I shape my lips into a smile. “Boo.”
Ross’s mouth falls open. I think he’s going to shout, but instead he motions wordlessly, pointing urgently toward the bed.
“Everything’s fine, Yolly,” he says.
It takes me a second before I understand: Ross is going to cover for me! I dive for my tousled sheets. Ross opens the door a crack, placing his body so he blocks Yolly’s view of the room inside. I scramble to lie flat, pulling the blankets up to my throat.
“Just like you thought,” Ross says in a hushed voice, “she’s sound asleep.” I snap my eyes shut. “I thought you said she was acting perky?”
“She was when she first woke up,” Yolly says. “But then she fell asleep again as soon as she ate.”
The door makes a soft swoosh as Ross opens it all the way. I lie still, breathing as evenly as my hammering heart allows.
“She’s still doing really well.” Yolly’s feet pad close to the bed. “Her fever is gone and she managed to eat her entire lunch.” She straightens the covers on my bed. Her hand lingers as she smooths them across my chest. “Poor thing. It’s so hard to watch them at the end.”
Yolly’s voice breaks and I almost open my eyes in surprise. I’ve never heard any of the staff talk about us dying. For the first time I think about it from her perspective. Yolly spends most of her days here with us and then she has to watch us die off one by one. Pity momentarily lightens my fear. When she moves her hand away, I have to keep myself from reaching out to bring it back.
“It’s such a waste,” Ross says. I hear the scrape of the visitor’s chair as he pulls it over next to the bed. “Mind if I stay a while?”
“You really care for this one, don’t you, Mr. Ross?” He must nod, because she adds, “Sure, you can stay. Just don’t wake her up.”
Ross assures her he won’t. Yolly’s soft-soled shoes pad from the room. The door closes. I lie still, waiting.
“You can open your eyes now.”
I push myself up against my pillows. Ross sits beside the bed, elbows on his knees so he can lean even closer. My fingers twist together under the sheets, twining themselves into a knot so tight my knuckles crack.
“Thanks for not telling Yolly I was out of bed,” I say.
“You really feel OK?”
“Pretty good. I’m still tired.”
Ross’s eyes narrow. “So tell me how you ended up over by the door?”
My heart starts pounding again. KJ’s warning plays in my head: Ross is an agent. If he didn’t turn you in he’d lose his job.
“I heard you coming and got up.” I lick my lips. “To show you how healthy I am.”
“That’s not true. You weren’t there when I came in. I checked.”
“No, I was there.” I shake my head hard enough to knock my pillow onto the floor. I sit up straighter, moving as far from Ross as the bed allows. “Where else could I have been? You just didn’t see me.”
My voice has risen to a squeak that practically screams I’m lying. I clench my hands together even more tightly.
“Alex.” Ross leans back in his chair. My heart pulses in my throat, the beat pounding out my panic: he knows, he knows, he knows.
“Remember how we talked about getting you on some different meds?” Ross asks.
My fingers feel like they’re about to snap. I know what’s coming next. He’ll tell me it’s too late now for him to help me and that what I can do is dangerous. He’ll say how bad he feels about turning me in. He’ll talk about duty, mine or his. It doesn’t matter. The result will be the same. A chill circles my wrist, as if the leash is already pressing against my flesh.
Ross clears his throat.
“While you were sick, I found a way to get them to you. I wish we’d had time to talk about it first. Dr. Kroger warned me there might be side effects.”
He waits. Realization penetrates my brain slowly.
“The new meds.” I stare into Ross’s sea-blue eyes. They meet mine steadily. “The ones that are supposed to extend my life. They’re the reason … and you knew …”
KJ’s warning not to tell anyone plays once more in my head, along with the vision of spinners being experimented on at the Central Office. I shove the images aside. KJ doesn’t understand how much Ross has already risked in order to help me. I untwist my fingers and press them flat against the mattress.
“You knew they might make it so the things I moved during a freeze stayed that way after I melted time.”
Ross nods. His eyes are bright. “Tell me what happened.”
“Not a lot. I wanted to see if I could still freeze, so I tried it. When I melted time the food I’d spilled was still gone. So then I froze and melted a few times to see what would happen. I went out into the hall and …” I decide to omit any mention of KJ. Just in case I do get in trouble I don’t want him implicated. “I walked around.”
“Did you change anything anyone would notice?”
I shake my head. “I got scared that if someone knew what I could do I’d get leashed.”
“You’re absolutely right.” Ross stands up and starts pacing the room with quick strides. “This has to be our secret. You can’t let anyone know about your new abilities. None of your friends, none of the staff or doctors. No one.” He returns to my bedside, leaning his elbows on the visitor’s chair so his face is level with mine. “You understand how important this is? It’s not just about getting leashed. Power like this scares people. If Dr. Barnard finds out what you can do, he’ll lock you up. He’ll put you back on Aclisote, too, and at the rate you were going, you wouldn’t last long.”
I nod. After KJ’s warning I don’t need to be told twice.
“I won’t tell anyone,” I say, internally amending my statement to anyone else. I’m not worried. I know KJ will keep my secret.
Ross seems to sense my slight reservation. He frowns at me.
“You’re not the only one with something on the line here. I could go to jail for changing your meds.”
I bite my lip. Taking these drugs puts so many people in danger: Ross. The other spinners. I picture KJ’s long body laid out on a surgeon’s table while doctors cut into his brain. I bite harder, salting my tongue with a thin trickle of blood. Is trying this medicine a selfish choice? Even Ross doesn’t know how much more life they might buy me. Is it fair to ask everyone to risk so much for what might turn out to be very little gain?
I wipe my lip with the back of my hand. I’m not being selfish; I’m volunteering for a private research project. If this new medicine can keep me alive, it will help others after me.
“I won’t tell anyone,” I say again, this time with all the conviction I can muster. “I promise.”
“That’s my girl.” Ross’s eyes crinkle at the edges when he smiles. “You rest for a few days. I’m hoping by then you’ll be in good enough shape to go out on missions again.”
“Are you sure that’s safe?” I ask. “I mean, I’ve thought about it, and I think my new skills can really help our work, but how can I use them without anyone noticing?”
“We’ll figure something out,” Ross assures me. “If we have to, I’ll set it up so we’re alone when you freeze.”
Memories of our last mission flood my mind. I drop my eyes to my hands. The blood from my lip has left a red smear near my thumb. I rub it.
“
Mr. Ross, last time … the Torino murder. I couldn’t hold it. I’m so, so sorry.”
“It’s OK,” he says. “I got what I needed. In fact, we made an arrest yesterday.”
My head jolts upright.
“You arrested Sikes?”
“No, no, someone else. A guy named Karl Wagner.”
The cut on my lip stings when I lick it.
“But the rewind … I lost hold before anyone came in the room.”
Ross gives me a piercing look. “What do you remember about that morning?”
“Not much. The body was there, his blood started moving.” I shake my head. “Then everything just kind of ripped away and I passed out.”
“That’s all?” he asks.
“Yeah. Why? Did you see more?”
“A little. Enough to know who was behind it.”
A weight I didn’t even realize I was carrying floats away from me.
“And you saw this Karl Wagner? Who is he?”
“He’s one of those guys whose name always comes up near Sikes’s cases, but never quite in it. I think Sikes uses him as a lookout or an informant. Someone to case his targets before he strikes. I’ve been trying to nail him on something for years and never found anything that sticks. Now I’ve finally got him.” Ross grins at me. “Here’s the best part though. Because of your rewind, I have a lead on Sikes’s real identity. When you’re better, we can follow it up.” His grin widens. “With your new skills we’re going to make a pretty unbeatable team.”
Ross’s face shines just the way I’d imagined when I first woke up. All the fears brought on by my conversation with KJ fade beneath its warmth.
The chair creaks as Ross straightens.
“I put two weeks’ worth of the new medicine in your box.” He gestures to the cabinet beside me. “And I’ll bring in more as you need it. Before you take a dose, check the label. The doses I swapped in have a typo—your last name is spelled M-A-N-I-N-G, with one n. If it’s not the right vial, don’t take it.”
I nod.
“Also,” he says. “Make sure Amy is the only one who tests your blood, OK? She’s going to help me keep track of your chronotin levels.”
Heat floods my cheeks at the mention of Amy. I bend down to pick up my fallen pillow so Ross can’t see my face.
“And one last thing,” Ross says. “No freezing time, even when you’re alone. This is way too important to play with.”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Ross,” I say, returning my pillow to its rightful spot. “I won’t let you down.”
“Good girl. I knew I could count on you.”
The last of my worries evaporates into the air. I settle back into bed, succumbing at last to my exhaustion. I don’t have to worry anymore. KJ knows I’m sick. I didn’t blow the Torino rewind. And Ross has a lead on Sikes. My future may be short, but at least it’s looking bright.
Yolly lets KJ into my room while I’m eating an early dinner: macaroni and cheese, garlic bread, a salad of iceberg lettuce drenched with a bright orange dressing, and a frosted brownie. Between emotional upheaval and two days on an IV, I’m shaky with hunger, so I’m devouring the mediocre menu with monster bites.
“Yolly doesn’t suspect anything?” KJ asks as soon as she leaves us.
I gulp down a hunk of lettuce. My meeting with Ross reassured me so much that I forgot about the panicked state I’d left KJ in. I stop shoveling food long enough to tell him that all is well. KJ sinks into the visitor’s chair with a relieved sigh.
“That’s great.” He watches me attack the mac and cheese. “You know, I came to sit with you while you were sick.”
“Amy told me,” I say. I pop a piece of garlic bread into my mouth, savoring the oily butter as it melts over my tongue. “It must not have been real fun. I was pretty out of it.”
“It was awful,” KJ says. “For a while I thought you wouldn’t make it.”
I stop chewing. About a year ago, a baby bird found its way into the courtyard and KJ nursed it back to health. He adored that ball of fluff. Every time KJ came near, the bird would squawk and dance, clacking its little beak to demand its meal of worms or garden spiders, and KJ would laugh and laugh. Then one day a raccoon or a cat or something must have gotten into the courtyard. I was the one that found the pile of feathers. When I told KJ, his face crumpled, like I’d knocked all the air from his body. It’s the same expression he’s wearing now.
I fiddle with my fork, trying to think of something to say that will erase the melancholy filling the room.
“And here I am.” I smile. “Perfectly healthy again.”
KJ shakes his head. “Except you’re not. Things are different now.”
“You mean my time skills?”
“No,” he says. “I mean everything.”
My smile fades. “It doesn’t have to be.”
“Things are different. We’ve always avoided talking about the fact that one day we’ll both get sick. That we’re going to die. We can’t pretend anymore.”
Silence wraps the sickroom, muting even the faint hum of traffic on the street below. The loudest sound is the ticking of the clock on the wall. KJ places his hand on my sheet-covered leg.
“When I was sitting here with you, a lot of things became clear to me. Remember when you asked me the other day what I would do if I weren’t a spinner?”
I nod.
“I figured out my answer,” KJ says. “If I were a Norm I’d want to grow up and have a family. I’d want a wife and children and the chance to spend the next sixty years seeing the people I love every day.”
I push the last piece of macaroni around my plate. This is why I didn’t want KJ to know I was sick. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me. I didn’t want to see him looking this sad.
“We’re not Norms,” I whisper. “Spinners can’t have children. We can’t have any of those things.”
“We can have some of them,” KJ says. His hand moves on my leg, stroking my knee with hesitant fingers. “You’ve always said missions matter to you more than anything else, but now that that’s over, we can spend more time together. At least for the few months we have left.”
His gently moving hand hypnotizes me. I picture his tanned arms working in the courtyard, the way his nose wrinkles when he laughs, the full lips that define his mouth, and for the first time in years I let myself imagine touching them. My stomach turns over. I shove the images away. KJ is my best friend. Now he thinks I’m dying and he wants … what? To comfort me? I tighten my grip on my fork.
“Ross said I may live a lot longer than a few months. He said I can keep working, too, even with my new abilities.”
KJ’s hand stills. His lips move a few times without making a sound.
“Ross was here? And you told him?”
“Yes.” I trace a pattern in the puddle of orange dressing with my fork. I feel like I’m betraying one of them, but I’m not sure which one. “Ross was in the room when I got back. He saw me reappear.”
KJ’s breath hisses past his teeth. I plunge on before he can interrupt.
“He’s not going to tell anyone.”
“Why not?”
“Because he doesn’t want me to get in trouble.”
KJ’s hand is back in his lap. He looks mad now, his brows so low they cast his eyes into shadow.
“If he cares so much, isn’t he worried about the fact that your freezing abilities have changed?”
“He …” I catch myself. I’d promised Ross I wouldn’t tell anyone about the new meds, and the way KJ looks right now I’m not sure I trust him to keep the secret. I struggle to come up with an alternate explanation.
“He said it was nothing to worry about,” I lie. “That this is a normal side effect.”
KJ’s eyes narrow. “A normal side effect? Then how come we’ve never heard of it? And if it’s so normal, why keep quiet?”
I pick at a stray piece of lettuce with my fork. The thin green leaf skitters around in the gloppy dressing, refusing to be impaled.
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“It’s normal, but really rare. You know how Barnard freaks out about everything. It’s better not to mention it.”
“Maybe someone should be freaking out,” KJ says. “Did Barnard say anything about your chronotin levels?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Ross asked Amy to fake them so I could go out sooner.”
The room gets very quiet again. I raise my head from the striped pattern I’ve drawn on my plate. KJ is staring at me with pure horror.
“Amy is faking your chronotin results?”
My eyes fly to the door, afraid someone might have heard him.
“Just for Barnard,” I say. “She’s telling Ross the real levels. He’ll know when it’s safe for me to go on another mission.”
“Are you insane? Ross isn’t a doctor!”
I abandon the lettuce.
“Sikes is out there,” I say, “and we have a chance to catch him.”
“Sikes.” KJ flops back in his chair. “Really? You’re dying and all you care about is catching Sikes?”
“Catching Sikes matters. It’s important.”
I shove a piece of brownie into my mouth before I add what I really mean: Catching Sikes makes me important. It makes me matter.
“What if you get sick again?” KJ asks. “What if this weird change is because your chronotin levels are totally out of whack? Barnard won’t know to adjust for it.”
The brownie dissolves into clods of dirt on my tongue. KJ must sense his advantage, because he leans forward again.
“Forget about Sikes, Alex. Forget about work. This is your life we’re talking about. You go out there and catch Sikes and what happens? Ross gets his revenge, maybe he even gets his shot at being made Chief, but what will you get besides a pat on the head?” KJ’s hand reaches out for mine.
“Look at me,” he says. “Is that really how you want to spend what little time you have left?”
His hand hovers inches from my own. He’s so close to me I can smell the laundry soap in his shirt. My heart starts beating very fast. If I walk away from Ross, I walk away from his new meds and the chance to live a longer life. And what exactly is KJ offering me? When we were a couple all those years ago it didn’t work out. And what about Shannon? Even if KJ is lukewarm about her, she certainly wants him. How could I share a room with her after stealing the guy I knew she liked? Questions clutter my brain, making my head hurt worse than any time headache.
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