Sorcha goes, ‘I found it in the letterbox. As in this morning?’ and she’s sort of, like, staring at me, expecting me to say something. Eventually, she goes, ‘You need to go and tell this Joanna what happened,’ and I look at her, roysh, like she’s mad as a box of frogs. I’m there, ‘I do hope you’re ripping the piss,’ but she’s actually not.
I’m there, ‘You want me to call in next door and go, “Hi, I’m your new neighbour. Oh, by the way, I’ve just battered your pet snake to death with a sweeping brush. And in case you want to give him a proper burial, his body’s in our back gorden, wrapped in a focking black bin-liner”?’
Sorcha goes, ‘Ross, you’re lucky I’m still here after what you did to that snake. You know how I feel about cruelty to animals,’ and I’m just there, ‘But that’s not what you said when—’ and she’s like, ‘I don’t actually want to hear it, Ross! OH MY GOD, why is sorry such a hord word for you? I’m asking you, Ross, to go next door and apologize…’ and she just sort of, like, leaves it hanging like that and like a fool, roysh, I actually end up doing what I’m told.
As it turns out, roysh, I’m pretty happy I did at first, because Joanna turns out to be a little hottie, roysh, we’re talking Nadine Coyle here, and from the very second she opens the door I can tell she likes what she’s seeing. I’m wearing my black Ralph Lauren airtex, roysh, which shows off the old bod pretty well. I’m there, ‘I’m Ross, your new neighbour,’ giving it loads basically and she goes, ‘Joanna,’ and she shakes my hand and goes, ‘Come in. Mum and Dad aren’t here. I’m just here with my cousin,’ and I’m like, ‘I won’t stay long. Just popped in with a bit of, em, bad news I suppose you’d have to call it.’
She goes, ‘Oh? Well, come on, we’re in the kitchen,’ and she pushes open the kitchen door, roysh, and I don’t believe it – we’re talking, HOLY FOCK! – what are the focking chances? Her cousin only turns out to be Oreanna, as in the bird whose cat I killed, as in the bird whose dog I killed. And not surprisingly, when she sees me, roysh, she has a bit of a knicker-fit. She’s going, ‘OH MY GOD, no! No! Get him out of here, Joanna! Get him out!’
I don’t want to come across here as some sort of, like, Hannibal Lecter dude, so I’ll just explain, roysh, by way of, like, background, that both deaths were total accidents and we’re talking totally here. I swung the old Golf GTI into her driveway in Greystones one night and ended up catching Simba a glancing blow with my front wheel. My only crime, I suppose, was not telling her, just popping his sorry bones into the boot of the cor with the intention of focking him in the Dargle on the way home. Of course, Oreanna whips open the boot to put her tennis gear in the next morning and sees Simba there doing an impression of a Gino Ginelli 14-inch ham and pineapple. As for the dog, the thing was humping my leg. I just, like, stood up, took four steps backwards and three to the side and then launched him – Rog-style – at the wall. How the fock was I to know that a) he had a weak hort and b) Oreanna was standing at the door watching the whole show?
Both times I was just, I suppose, unlucky, but Oreanna’s not going to listen to reason. She’s hysterical, roysh, and she’s going, ‘Where’s Shasta? Where is she?’ and she’s, like, running around the kitchen, roysh, looking in cupboards and under tables and chairs. I turn to Joanna and I go, ‘Who’s Shasta?’ and Oreanna goes, ‘My new dog. You stay away from her!’ and I’m there, ‘Look, I think I better go,’ and Joanna goes, ‘I think it’s probably best,’ obviously still wanting me, but deciding there’ll be other times. So I’m doing my usual moonwalk towards the door, roysh, when Joanna turns around and goes, ‘Oh, you said you had some bad news,’ and of course I’m there, ‘Sorry?’ trying to buy myself some time basically. She’s like, ‘You said you’d some news. It’s not about Slinky, is it?’ and I can’t think of anything else to say, so I go, ‘Basically.’
She’s like, ‘Is he…’ and I can’t do it to her, roysh, I can’t bring myself to tell her that he’s gates, so I end up going, ‘I just wanted to tell you that I saw him. He somehow got into our house. He looked fine. Healthy, basically. And happy, if that’s any consolation to you.’ She’s like, ‘So what’s the bad news? You said a few minutes ago that you’d bad news,’ and I’m there, ‘Did I?’ and she goes, ‘Yes. Bad news, I suppose you’d have to call it – that’s what you said.’
So quick as a flash, roysh, I go, ‘I just don’t think Slinky’s coming home,’ and off to one side I can hear Oreanna going, ‘NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!’ and Joanna’s like, ‘Why do you think that?’ and I go, ‘He just seemed, like… happy, with his, like, independence. He was excited about setting off on his own, at least that was the vibe I got from him,’ and she’s looking at me, roysh, like I’m off my focking cake.
Then Oreanna storts up, going, ‘He killed him, Joanna! That’s what he does. He kills animals! He’s the goy I told you about, remember? He killed Simba and he killed Scooby! And I’m telling you he killed Slinky as well and he’s come in here to – OH MY GOD! – actually gloat? OH MY GOD, I just hope he hasn’t gotten to Shasta,’ and I’m looking at Joanna, roysh, and it’s pretty focking obvious from the way she’s looking at me that she actually believes her.
I look at her and I go, ‘Roysh, I am SO out of here,’ and I head for the door. It’s been a day of surprises – there’s no focking doubt about that – but even so, roysh, I’m not ready for what’s waiting for me when I open the door on my way out. Shasta – who turns out to be another Jack Russell – she’s sitting there on the doorstep, roysh, wagging her tail, basically looking all focking delighted with herself. She’s got something in her mouth as well and, of course, there’s me, roysh, still trying to convince the birds that I’m, like, an animal lover.
I’m going, ‘Hello, Shasta! Hello, I suppose, little dog! Is that a present for us? What have you got there?’ and I sort of, like, get down on my hunkers and – OH FOCK! – I suddenly see what she has there. It’s, like, a piece from a black, plastic bin-liner. And in front of her, there’s Slinky, hard as a focking stick, with his head mashed in. Then the waterworks go on. The two birds stort bawling their eyes out and then Oreanna storts screaming, like she does.
I turn around and I go, ‘Stupid idea for a pet anyway. A snake, for fock’s sake!’
8. Consider the Lillie’s
Oisinn sends me a text, roysh, and it’s like, Thnk of a way of getting JP into Kielys on sat night. Plans all n place.
Saturday morning, roysh, I hit the old Fleck Republic to offer Ronan some, I suppose you’d have to say, fatherly advice about storting in Castlerock next week – we’re talking don’t bring a knife with you, don’t get caught selling hash behind the boiler-house, that sort of thing.
Tina answers the door, not a bit embarrassed about what happened in Ibiza. She goes, ‘Himself’s out in the garden, havin’ a smoke, ye know yerself,’ and I swear to God, roysh, I’d actually fight for full custody except the contamination’s gone too far. The kid’s a skobe now, always will be and I have to accept it. My, I suppose, priority now is to make sure he doesn’t disgrace the family name. The O’Carroll-Kellys have been going to Castlerock for over a hundred years and even though Ronan’s second name is actually Masters, the school knows the score and the only reason he’s there is because he’s basically my kid.
Try to imagine my total surprise, roysh, when I walk out into the gorden to find Ronan puffing away while reading a book called Rugby Made Easy. I sneak up on him and I go, ‘Finally showing an interest in the old gentlemen’s game, I see,’ and he goes, ‘Ah, Rosser, me old segosha. I’m just reading the rules here. Trying to understand what makes you tick,’ and he tips a long length of ash onto the ground, puts the cigarette in his mouth, roysh, then storts leafing through the book, looking for a particular page. He shows me a picture, which I think is Ireland against Romania. It’s two packs anyway. He’s like, ‘What the fook is that, would ye mind tellin’ me?’ and I can’t help but laugh. I’m there, ‘It’s called a scrum, Ronan,’ and he goes, ‘It’s an excus
e for you lot to see each other’s arses up close.’
I’m trying not to laugh, roysh, but I end up just, like, cracking my hole. He flicks through the book again, then comes to a picture of some English player, roysh, shaping up to throw the ball into the lineout. He goes, ‘And what do you call this dude?’ and I’m there, ‘He’s a hooker,’ and Ronan’s just, like, shakes his head and goes, ‘That’s some kinky shit going on there. By the way, how’s the gaff?’
I’m there, ‘It’s Kool and the Gang. We’ve, like, moved all our stuff in. It’s just, like, unpacking now, then decorating. Sorcha has a lot of ideas for the place,’ and he goes, ‘Boot you out – that’s the best idea in the world. I said that to her,’ and I’m there, ‘Thanks for that, Ronan. Look, can we be, I don’t know, serious for a minute. I want to talk to you about school. I don’t want to sound like my old man here, but being a student at Castlerock brings with it certain, like, responsibilities…’
He laughs as he’s lighting up again. He goes, ‘I think The Rosser’s asking me not to do anything to disgrace the family name,’ and I’m there, ‘Exactly,’ and he goes, ‘You’ve some fooken Gregory, I’ll say that for you. I had a chat with oul’ Fehily. A gas character altogether. Told me some of the shit you got up to in your day. And your oul’ lad. Fehily was in his class, y’know. Ah, don’t worry, Rosser, I’m woyid,’ and I’m like, ‘Wide?’ and he goes, ‘Yeah, woyid. If you’re good at rugby, you get away wi’ moorder. You don’t tink I’m readin’ this buke because I suddenly fancy men, do ye?’ and I just go, ‘I suppose not.’
He drops his cigarette and puts it out with his foot and then he’s like, ‘I’ll give you a bell later. Got to head. I’m playin’ ball – a real man’s game.’
Sorcha rings me and she goes, ‘oh my God, that girl is SUCH a bitch,’ and I’m like, ‘Who?’ and she’s there, ‘Aoife. You remember I told you I was keeping back that Donna Karan ecru cotton safari shirt until I got my pay-cheque?’ and I’m there, ‘Yeah,’ obviously not having a focking clue what she’s talking about and she goes, ‘Well, she sold it. She actually went and sold it.’
I was the one who managed to, like, prise him out of his aportment is all I’m saying, roysh, but Oisinn’s going on as if that’s not a big deal in itself. He goes, ‘And this entitles you to what exactly?’ and I’m there, ‘All I’m saying is that if this works, I’m entitled to half the money his old man put up, that’s all,’ but he doesn’t answer, roysh, just slips his hand inside the pocket of his Henri Lloyd, whips out the bottle, gives it a shake and goes, ‘This is going to be the easiest twenty Ks I’ve ever earned. JP better show.’
I’m there, ‘He’ll show. How does this shit work again?’ and he sort of, like, throws his eyes up to heaven and goes, ‘This shit just so happens to be nature’s love potion, Ross. This here is pure Andtrostenol. It’s a pheromone,’ and he looks at me and he knows he’s going to have to explain it to me again. He goes, ‘Pheromones are naturally occurring bodily chemicals which are secreted when we sweat. They are colourless and odourless and yet they have a powerful effect on human behaviour, specifically sexual attraction and drive.’
These beers are going down well. I’m like, ‘But if you can’t actually smell them…’ and Fionn throws in his two euro worth then. He’s like, ‘That’s a good question. Pheromones are scents that we don’t smell, as such. We detect them subliminally through a small receptor in the nose called the vomeronasal organ, which then sends a signal to the hypothalamus portion of the brain, stimulating sexual attraction,’ and I’m just nodding, roysh, pretending I know what the fock he’s talking about, like I used to at school.
Oisinn goes, ‘Ross, have you ever met a woman and felt an unbelievably strong chemistry,’ and I’m there, ‘Every weekend, dude.’ He’s there, ‘But that’s just horniness; I’m talking about chemistry. Look at, say, Christian and Lauren,’ and Christian suddenly brightens up. Oisinn goes, ‘We’re talking chemistry in its purest form. That’s pheromones at work.’
Faye and Amie with an ie, as in, like, Sorcha’s friends, arrive over. Faye’s had the big-time hots for JP ever since they were, like, thirteen and in Irish college together, but they’ve never actually scored each other, roysh, although they nearly did at a porty in Oisinn’s gaff one night, but JP was still technically going out with Frederika – as in, like, Russian and Byzantine Studies in UCD? – and Faye ended up drinking half a bottle of vodka and telling him that a fortune-teller told her that he was the man she was going to marry. I’ve been there once or twice myself – I mean, she looks like Lindsay Lohan – but she was only ever using me to get to JP, who she’s basically in love with.
So the two birds come over and, like, air-kiss us all. Amie with an ie, who’s looking pretty hot herself, tells Christian that they saw him and Lauren walking down Grafton Street last Sunday and they looked – OH! MY! GOD! – SO cute and Faye goes, ‘OH MY GOD, it was like, Aaawww!’ and Amie with an ie’s there, ‘No, it was more like, Oh my God!’
Oisinn is not a happy camper. He goes, ‘Faye, you’re wearing Tommy Girl,’ and she’s like, ‘Oh my God, yeah,’ and he’s there, ‘I told you not to wear anything,’ and she’s like, ‘Go out wearing no perfume? That’s like, OH! MY! GOD!’ and he goes, ‘I don’t care what it is, Faye. I told you, perfume cancels out the effects of natural pheromones. Here,’ and he hands her the bottle, roysh, and he goes, ‘Wash that stuff off before you put this on, otherwise it won’t work,’ and the two birds disappear off to the bathroom. Amie with an ie’s got the old Uggs on, roysh, and though I’ve never been an Ugger-Hugger myself, pins like hers would actually make me think again.
So JP arrives while they’re gone, roysh, and God or no God, the goy’s in cracking form. He’s actually looking well and he’s all, like, happy and shit and for the first time, roysh, I stort feeling guilty about my port in tonight. I’m there, ‘So when are you storting in, like, Maynooth?’ and he’s like, ‘Next week. Can’t wait. I just feel like I’ve been morking time, even though I’ve been reading and thinking and praying. I’m afraid patience is the one fruit of the spirit the Lord is having difficulty persuading me to eat,’ and we all just, like, nod, cracking on that we know what he’s bullshitting on about, but it is amazing, roysh, because the goy has this, like, aura.
I turn around, roysh, probably trying to justify in my own mind what we’re about to do, and I go, ‘JP, I know you’re really, like, happy and shit, but your old man’s worried about you,’ and quick as a flash, roysh, he’s there, ‘Ecclesiastes tells us, Ross, that to the man who pleases Him, God shall give wisdom, knowledge and happiness. To the sinner, He gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth, which is meaningless, a chasing after the wind,’ and there’s pretty much no answer to that.
He looks over my shoulder and he goes, ‘I don’t believe it. It’s Faye Connolly. I haven’t seen her for…’ and the dude suddenly pushes past me, roysh, and, like, throws his orms around Faye, who’s just come back from the can.
JP’s, like, looking her up and down, roysh, going, ‘So how are you? Did you finish in Portobello?’ and she’s like, ‘OH MY GOD, that’s, like, ages ago? I’m repeating the Blackhall exams. For the, like, tenth time? And what about you? How’s your mum?’ and he goes, ‘Mum’s great. I’ve got loads to tell you,’ and he slips his orm around her shoulder, roysh, and sort of, like, ushers her over into a quiet corner and Oisinn goes, ‘Easy. Money for jam.’
Christian tells me that Prince Xizor used powerful pheromones to seduce Princess Leia and I’m knocking back my pint, wondering what I should do with this information, when Amie with an ie turns around and hands Oisinn back the bottle and goes, ‘Here, it wouldn’t fit in Faye’s bag.’ Oisinn holds the bottle up, roysh, sees the massive whack gone out of it and goes, ‘Shit the bed! Don’t tell me she put that much on her?’ and Amie with an ie doesn’t answer. Oisinn’s like, ‘I told her on the phone – it’s not focking perfume,’ and Amie with an ie goes, ‘I told her that, but she was j
ust like, “He is SO not getting away this time,” and I was like, “OH MY GOD!’”
All our heads turn in their direction. JP is, like, holding her hand and talking to her really, like, seriously. Oisinn goes, ‘If she put that much on, I can’t believe they’ve still got their clothes on. Fionn, take a walk to the old TK Maxx and see what you can hear when you’re passing by.’ Fionn heads off, roysh, and he comes back five minutes later and goes, ‘I don’t want to spoil the porty over here, but he’s telling her that he loves her but it’s a different kind of love from the love she feels for him. I heard Genesis 20:13 mentioned,’ and Oisinn goes, ‘Oh no. I knew I shouldn’t have focked around with the formula.’
Fionn goes, ‘Focked around with the formula? Oisinn, what’s in that bottle?’ and Oisinn goes, ‘Well, mostly Andtrostenol. And ethanol obviously, as a base. And… well, I threw some musk in as well,’ and Fionn’s there, ‘Musk?’ and Oisinn’s like, ‘Extracted from the sexual organs of the civet cat,’ and Fionn goes, ‘That must be why it’s not working.’
We’re all looking over, roysh, and Faye is, like, bawling her eyes out and we’re talking totally here, and JP’s, like, hugging her, roysh, trying to basically console her. They stay like that for, like, twenty minutes, roysh, then he hands her a tissue to clean up her boat, but her make-up’s all over the gaff, roysh, and she gets up and, like, runs to the jacks and Amie with an ie gets up and, like, pegs it after her and I’m looking at her orse disappearing into the distance, thinking I’d focking hop her in a New York minute.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress Page 23
