by JoAnn Durgin
Ava moved her hand over her abdomen, fighting for breath. “Surely you’re not suggesting that it was somehow God’s plan that Cole and Darcy die in a horrible car wreck just so that you and I could meet two years later? How could you…? Why would you…?” Aghast, she stared at him, fresh tears streaming down her face.
Sawyer grasped her hands in his. “I’m not saying that, no. God’s sovereign, and there are some things no one can explain. At least no one here on earth. I have a whole laundry list of questions ready to ask God one day, believe me. I’m sorry to have upset you.”
“That’s pretty much a given no matter how you told me,” she muttered.
She didn’t resist when Sawyer leaned her back against his shoulder. This was too much. Too overwhelming. Her shoulders shook and tears dropped silently onto her lap. She didn’t bother brushing them away or trying to stop them. Another sob escaped.
When Sawyer opened his arms, Ava shifted on the bench and fell into them. He held her tight and absorbed the tremors in her body. She kept her cries as quiet as she could but felt like unleashing them like the guttural screams of a wild animal. Leaning his head against hers, he kissed the top of her head and stroked her hair. He murmured things no doubt meant to comfort her, but she heard none of them.
At length—Ava had no idea how much later—she disengaged from his arms. “Could you please take me home now?”
“Of course.” Rising from the bench, Sawyer offered his hand as he always did. They walked in silence to his SUV and on the ride downtown, neither one said more than a handful of words.
Thirty minutes later, Sawyer stood with her in the downstairs corridor of the Hanscom Building. Like always, but now nothing was the same. Would never be the same again. Like when she broke her ankle. Things changed.
“Sawyer, I need some time to digest this information.” She hated those words and knew he’d hate them even more.
“Sure. Take as much time as you need. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“No,” she said slowly. “I mean time away from us. Please try to understand, but this whole thing is kind of freaking me out right now. I’m not sure how to handle it, and I need time to pray and deal with what we’ve learned, but I need to do it in my own way.”
“So, let me get this straight.” Sawyer’s voice held an edge she’d never heard before. “You’re punishing me for telling you what happened that day?” His eyes sparked with anger and she drew back, surprised by his reaction.
“No, I’m not punishing you.” She paused a moment to gather her thoughts. “If anything, I’m doing this for our relationship. Can’t you see that? With what you told me, I can’t help but think of Cole whenever I look at you right now. And then I see Darcy with Cole, and Darcy with you, Cole with me.” Her eyes met his. “I don’t think I can process it all right now.”
“This is crazy. Don’t do this. Please.” Sawyer reached for her, putting his hands on her arms. Not in a rough manner, but in the gentle way so typical of this man’s kindness and sensitivity. “For how long?”
She shook her head and closed her eyes. “I’m not sure. A few days, a week, a month?”
Hearing a snort, she opened her eyes. “What are you really asking me, Ava? To leave you alone?”
“Yes. Temporarily, until I can work through it all in my head. It’s not forever, Sawyer. Please try to understand.”
“Well, it might as well be forever.” He dropped his arms and started to pace. “I came into this relationship with my eyes wide open. My heart wide open.” Stopping his pacing, he shot her a look full of hurt. “I thought you did, too. I guess that was my mistake.”
Crossing to where he stood a few feet away, she took his face between her hands and kissed him. What started out as a soft kiss of promise quickly grew into so much more as he wrapped his arms around her, dragging her close to his body, so close she felt his heartbeat through his cotton shirt. Splaying the fingers of one hand on his chest, Ava started to pull away. He wouldn’t allow it and increased the pressure of his lips on hers.
“Don’t push me away, Ballerina.” His lips were firm, his eyes earnest, his skin warm as Sawyer rested his cheek on hers. She felt the moisture from his tears. Or maybe hers. “Let’s work through this together, face it together, conquer it together. I love you.”
“I’m sorry. I love you, too, Sawyer, but I can’t do this now.” Struggling out of his grasp, she covered her mouth with one hand. She backed away from him, trying to ignore the hurt in his eyes. She’d never forget his forlorn expression. Why couldn’t he understand?
“Please don’t call me until I call you,” she whispered, knowing he’d hear since everything carried in this corridor. “I will call you, but I just don’t know when. I hope you can respect my wishes. Good night.”
With her heart breaking, and with Sawyer standing there boring holes into her back, Ava shed quiet tears as she walked down the corridor. Never had that corridor seemed so lonely or so desolate.
Chapter 19
~~♥~~
Two Weeks Later
“Another delivery for you.” Hidden behind a huge bouquet of pink roses, Heather marched into her office. “Where do you want them?”
Spinning around in her chair, Ava rose and took them from her. “I’m not sure. We’re running out of room.” Spying an empty space on the window ledge, she tried to put them there. “Too tall. I guess I’ll have to put them on the floor for now.”
“The man’s spending a fortune,” Heather said. “It looks like a hot air balloon exploded in here with all these rainbow colors.”
“I never asked Sawyer to spend a dime.” Ava recognized the snappishness in her tone, but she couldn’t help it. She didn’t like herself much right now. At least Heather still put up with her, foul mood or not.
“And what did you ask him?”
Ava frowned. “All I asked was that he not call me.”
“And has he called you?”
“No.”
Heather raised both hands in the air. “Just asking a question, girlfriend. No need to snap my head off.”
Ava shook her head and blew out a breath. “Not once.”
“How about emails, voice messages, texts, Skype. Anything in that area maybe?”
Not answering, Ava crossed her arms as she surveyed her office. Heather was right. Sawyer was spending way too much money on these elaborate floral arrangements.
“Okay,” Heather said with a frown. “Guess not.”
“By the way, did you call the church deacons to come over and get the flowers?” The arrangements would be put to better use in the church, hospitals, or funeral homes. Not that she didn’t appreciate the thought behind Sawyer sending them to her. Good thing neither she nor Heather was allergic to flowers since they filled every available open space. Since she had students with allergies, they needed to go. Ava had accumulated quite a collection of flowers at her apartment, too, but Heather didn’t need to know that information.
“Not yet, but I’ll call the church as soon as we’re done here.”
“Go ahead. Tell me,” Ava said, raising her hands in the air. “I know you’re dying to speak your mind.” Might as well hear her out now. Friction between them wouldn’t be good for the class they were scheduled to co-teach later that afternoon. And again in the morning.
“I was only going to tell you that a handsome, Italian-looking messenger delivered this last bouquet.”
“What? Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place?” With a glare at Heather, Ava dashed out the door of her office and into the outer lobby. Empty. Her shoulders slumped. Dropping into one of the chairs, she lowered her head to her hands. “Am I being a fool?”
“I don’t think you really want me to answer that right now, but I have a confession.” Heather came and sat down beside her.
Ava lifted her head and narrowed her gaze. “What’s that?”
“Um, the messenger did look Italian. And, yeah, he was sort of handsome in a fiftyish, overweight, baldin
g sort of way.”
Ava smacked her friend’s arm. “You stinker! Why did you say that to make me think Sawyer was out here?”
“To get that very reaction out of you and send you flying out of your office. Admit it already, Ava. You miss the guy.”
“Of course I miss Sawyer. I love him.”
“Well, cry me a river and give me a raft, but you’re sure not acting like it.”
Ava stared at her. “What’s that supposed to mean? Last time I checked, you were my best friend.”
“I am your best friend, and that’s why I’m saying the things that need to be said. And you need to hear. Best friend’s privilege, tough love, and all that. There’s a Marilyn Monroe quote that I think applies quite nicely to this situation.”
“Marilyn Monroe?”
Heather nodded. “Marilyn was quite intelligent, you know. She just played dumb in some of her movies. I don’t have an Audrey Hepburn quote on the tip of my tongue or I’d use it instead. Okay, let me see if I can get this right. It goes something like this: ‘Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.’”
Ava shook her head. “With Marilyn’s track record with relationships and husbands, she probably said that a lot.”
The corners of Heather’s lips twitched. “Down girl.”
“I didn’t say it wasn’t a good quote. Sawyer and I aren’t falling apart, so I don’t understand your point.”
“In a way, your relationship is falling apart because you’re pushing him away. How’s it going to help anything if you refuse to talk with him? I’ll admit I don’t have a track record of successful relationships, so it’s not like I have a valid leg to stand on, so to speak, but even I can see that keeping the man you love at arm’s length isn’t doing anything to bring you two closer together.
“Sure, you’re upset and freaked out that Cole died with Darcy, but at least now you know! That’s a hard truth to accept, and yes, I understand it’s a small world. And yes, I know there’s really no such thing as coincidence because I’ve got Jesus in my heart, too, and He’s not the God of vengeance in that way. Cole and Darcy were two good people who died. They just happened to be in the same car together when the car hit black ice and crashed. Face it, accept the truth, and get on with your new life, so to speak, with Sawyer.” Heather blew out a breath. “That’s a lot to say in a few seconds.
“Honey, listen. I’ve watched you mope and sulk and cry and mourn that man for too long, but at the same time, you were half-afraid he’d cheated on you because of some—excuse me because I know you don’t like this word—stupid people and their ridiculous insinuations. When Sawyer Mancini pedaled his way into your life, that event was every bit as much of God’s plan. You two are so good together and I’m not going to stand by and watch you mess this up with him.”
Ava pulled Heather into a fierce hug, tears running down her face. “I’m tired of the tears, Heather. I loved Cole, and contrary to what you might believe, I have given him to the Lord and He’s given me the closure I need. Especially with what Sawyer told me about what happened the day of the accident. As hard as it was to hear, that information in itself is a gift. All I asked was that Sawyer give me a little time.”
“The man’s irresistible. Don’t you see what he’s doing with this floral shop?” Heather waved her hand at all the many bouquets decorating the studio.
Collapsing back into the chair, Ava huffed. “Other than trying to keep him constantly in my mind, I can’t imagine what.”
“It’s working, isn’t it?”
“You’re taking psychology in school this semester, aren’t you?” Ava hopped out of the chair. “Okay, answer this one for me.”
Heather sat up straighter in the chair and her eyes lit. “Lay it on me.”
“With all these hundreds of flowers, with all the money he’s spent on them, why hasn’t the man sent any yellow tulips?”
Her friend stared at her. “Yellow tulips?” She shook her head, obviously confused. “I don’t get it. What’s the big deal about yellow tulips?”
“Do you know me at all?” Ava teetered on the verge of more tears. “They’re only my favorite flowers. And Sawyer knows it.” She stomped across the room to the door of her office, waving a hand inside. “Red, purple, pink, peach, orange, lavender… Every single color of the rainbow and every type of flower, but no tulips. Especially. No. Yellow. Tulips.”
“Tulips? Huh.” Heather slumped back into her chair. “I had no idea.”
“Yellow tulips.” With that, Ava disappeared into her office. She didn’t slam her door although she felt like it. If irrational had a photo in the dictionary, her picture would be right there.
After staring at her office phone for twenty minutes straight, feeling miserable, Ava picked up the phone and did something she should have done years ago. On the fourth ring, someone on the other end picked up the call.
“Hello?” The lilt in the woman’s voice was familiar. She just hadn’t heard it in way too long.
“Momma? It’s me.”
Ava laughed, she cried, and she poured out her heart to her mother. If her mother wasn’t going to call her, then she’d need to always be the one to call her. Regularly. Their talk was awkward, but gradually, they fell into an easy conversation. At first, Isla sounded stiff and wasn’t forthcoming. Ava kept talking, knowing eventually her mother would relax and then she could broach a more serious subject.
After another few minutes of meaningless conversation about nothing important, Ava finally worked up the nerve to ask the overriding question in her mind. “Why don’t you ever call me, Momma?”
“It’s not that I don’t want to, Ava. Please don’t believe that for a second, lass.”
“Then tell me. I need to understand.”
She heard her mother’s deep sigh through the phone. “You and your daddy had such a close relationship, and I never felt like there was much room left over in your heart for me.”
“Oh, Momma. That’s not true and it never was. When Poppy died, you pushed me away and wouldn’t let me comfort you. We could have helped each other. Then when Cole died, I needed you to comfort me. You left almost as soon as the funeral was over, and you weren’t there for me when I needed you most.” Ava cringed at how harsh she sounded although she’d spoken the truth. She was batting a thousand these days.
“That’s the difference between us, Ava. You stick it out and work through problems. I don’t. My mum did the same thing. We weren’t close, as you know.”
Ava knew. Her grandparents on both sides had all died either before she was born or by the time she was a toddler. “Aren’t we supposed to learn from our mistakes? Momma, are you close to the Lord anymore? When I was little, you were always taking me to church, making sure I read my Bible, and enrolling me in bible camps.”
“Aye, but not as close as I need to be to the good Lord.”
“Can you come see me next weekend? I have a recital and I’d like you to see me dance again. Come watch my students and see how terrific they are. Some of them are very promising. Just like you thought I was once upon a time.”
“I’ve always been proud of you, love. Don’t ever think otherwise.”
Tears rolled down Ava’s cheeks. “I thought…” Gulping, she swallowed hard. Plucking a tissue from the box on her desk, she mopped up the moisture from her eyes and cheeks. She took a deep breath and tried again. “I thought once my dream died, then yours did, too.”
A silence of several prolonged seconds hung heavy on the line.
“Momma? Are you still there?”
“Aye, lass. What time is your dance recital next Saturday?”
Chapter 20
~~♥~~
Sawyer grabbed the phone, hoping it’d be Ava this time. Chase.
“Hey, Sawyer. Listen, I need your help at a youth function.”
Sitting at the breakfast bar and picking at a day-old piece of cold sausage pizza, Sawyer grunted around a mouthful. “You’re bossy for so earl
y in the morning. No how are you doing, buddy? No friend, how can I pray for you today?”
Chase laughed. “Get over yourself. If you read between the lines, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”
“Fair enough. Tell me about it. After all, it’s not like I have any other plans.” That stopped him. Wow. He did sound pitiful.
“It’s an all-night event called a lock-in at the church. Tomorrow night. Don’t forget.”
“Count me in. What time?”
The next evening, Sawyer felt the leading of the Holy Spirit to share his story with the guys from Chase’s youth group. Chase hadn’t asked him to speak, he hadn’t planned anything, and he had no idea what he’d say. Maybe he needed it for the free therapy. For whatever reason, he thought one of the kids there needed to hear his message as much as he needed to share it.
As he made his way to the front—dodging the sleeping bags and teenage boys sprawled all over the highly polished gymnasium floor—Sawyer silently prayed. Lord, I have no idea what I’m doing here. Chase probably has an idea. Give me the right words. If there’s any guy here that needs to hear my message—whatever it is—open his ears and let my words speak to him in a special way.
Reaching the wooden podium at one end of the basketball court, he opened his mouth and began to talk about…love. All kinds of love, but he touched on first love, romantic love, physical love, and most importantly, God’s love.
“The way I see it,” he told them, “God brings people into our lives for a reason. People who will change us in the best of ways. Not because they’re trying to mold us into something—or turn us into someone they want us to be—in order to suit their own purposes. But because they help bring out the best, and sometimes the worst in us, in order to bring us to the point where God wants us to be in our relationship with Him. Let me tell you about my friend Darcy, and then I’m going to tell you about my fiancée, Ava.”
By the time he’d relayed his story, Sawyer could tell he’d reached some of those sweaty, hormonal teenagers. They’d listened and some had responded and even shed some tears. A few tuned him out, but overall, he’d done the best he could. Now to wrap it all up and hope it made sense.
