And then it hit him. She was his inspiration, the promise that things were better.
And he improvised. It was just a few minutes later that he went to the kitchen and dug out a note pad and pen and started writing music for the first time in over a year.
* * *
Jenna knew Ethan had made some sort of breakthrough when she saw him focused on writing a song. It was something she hadn’t seen him do…ever. He looked different too, almost the way he looked sometimes after they made love…at peace—not torn and troubled as she knew he usually was.
A little while later, he asked her to listen. He immersed himself in the music and didn’t look at her while he sang, but the words drilled deep into her core. He seemed healed and whole, and he was giving all the credit to her. She knew he had more to do with it than she did, but the song made her feel warm anyway.
They made love that afternoon and then got in the car to pick up Chris for his visit. Ethan hadn’t seen him in over a month and Valerie had chewed his ass over it, telling him he was letting his son down. Ethan hadn’t let it lie, though, and had told Val Chris wouldn’t have wanted to see him in the state he’d been in.
When he pulled up to the white house almost disguised against the backdrop of snow, he took a deep breath. Jenna wanted to give him a pep talk, but it wasn’t necessary. She instead took his hand and squeezed it, hoping to help him realize he could lean on her for strength.
He smiled and kissed her before he pulled the keys out of the ignition. They walked up the sidewalk, cleared of snow, and reached the door. Ethan rang the doorbell and was greeted by his son in his best friend’s arms. “Daddy!”
A grin split Ethan’s face. “Chris, my buddy.” The child reached over and wrapped his hands around his dad’s neck. He was redemption if Jenna had ever seen it. The look on Ethan’s face was one of peace and joy. He kissed his son on the cheek and then said to Brad, “Can I talk to you about business sometime?”
“Have you thought about it?”
Jenna wasn’t sure what they were talking about but figured it out when Ethan said, “Yeah. I can’t walk away. I’m in.” She felt her chest swell with emotion, realizing Ethan was recommitting to Fully Automatic.
Valerie walked in. “Ethan. Glad you could make it.”
He nodded, his expression cooled. “Yeah.”
Brad said, “Hey, Jenna, would you mind helping Val get some drinks for all of us? Ethan has some business matters to discuss with me.”
Ethan cocked his head. “Now?”
“What better time than the present?” Brad led Ethan into the living room.
Valerie’s smile was strained, but she said, “Come with me to the kitchen.”
Jenna saw something then. She understood why Valerie was so gun shy, but she was way too hard on Ethan. Couldn’t she see the changes he’d made? Maybe she couldn’t find it in her heart to forgive him. From what Ethan had told her, she partly understood why. She just hoped maybe Valerie could forgive him down the road.
Once they were in the kitchen, Valerie asked if Jenna would be willing to slice a couple of lemons. “Sure.” She watched as Val squeezed several of the yellow fruits into a pitcher on the table. But then Jenna noticed the little bump on the other woman’s belly. She wasn’t wearing jeans; she was wearing black yoga pants and a ladies tee, but Jenna could tell. “When are you due?”
Val looked up, removing the lemon rind from the juicer and cutting another lemon in half. “You can tell?”
Jenna shrugged. “It’s kinda obvious.”
“Oh, crap. Please don’t say anything. I haven’t told Brad yet.”
“How far are you along?”
“Six weeks, maybe eight. I’m not sure. I just took a pee test a couple of weeks ago to be sure.”
Jenna smiled, slicing the second lemon. “Your secret’s safe with me.”
“Thanks.” Val squeezed the other half of the lemon she had and asked, “So…how’s Ethan doing?”
Jenna was hesitant, not knowing what Valerie’s motives were, but the truth wasn’t a bad thing. She was glad his ex had asked, because it told Jenna maybe the woman really did care. “He has good days and bad, you know? He had a really bad spot there…that’s why he didn’t want to take Chris last time.” She paused slicing the lemon to look at Val. “He wants to be better for his son, but it’s been a long, hard road.” Val nodded, cutting another lemon in half. “Did you know he wanted to die?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…he didn’t try to commit suicide…not in the traditional way, but he tried anyway. His overdoses? Maybe they weren’t accidental. He’s been struggling with chronic depression for a long time, and I think that’s part of why he abused drugs for so long.”
Val was quiet for several moments, squeezing two more lemon halves. She nodded but said nothing. Then she took the pitcher to the sink and added water and then poured sugar inside and stirred it with a long wooden spoon. She brought the pitcher back to the table and started putting the lemon Jenna had sliced in the liquid. Jenna had never seen anyone make lemonade from scratch, so she was a little impressed. Val stirred it again and then said, “Look…I know you’re feeling some sympathy for Ethan. I get it. I’ve been there. But I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t warn you. He’s poison. He’s charming and irresistible. He makes you feel like you’re the only woman on the planet…until he makes you feel like shit because he’s off screwing someone else. Or he’ll tell you he’s clean but the next thing you know, he’s high as a kite. Ethan is good looking and he’s charming and he knows it. It took me years to realize that Ethan’s only concern is himself.”
Jenna sucked in a deep breath. Well, that outlook certainly explained Valerie’s reluctance to be friendly, but Jenna felt compelled to set her straight. “Valerie, if I may call you that, Ethan has changed…and that’s because he’s no longer using.”
“I fell for that one too many times.”
Jenna realized that maybe Valerie would have to see for herself, and perhaps it would take years for her to change her mind. She’d been scarred by Ethan, and she was having a hard time accepting the changes he’d made. Val got four glasses out of the cabinet and a tiny green sippy cup. The glasses fit inside each other, so she asked Jenna, “Can you carry these?”
Jenna nodded and took them from Valerie as the other woman took the spoon out of the pitcher and placed it in the sink. Then she carried the pitcher toward the living room and Jenna followed her. When they got there, Chris was sitting in Brad’s lap on the couch, playing with some blocks, and Ethan was sitting next to them.
Valerie placed the pitcher on the coffee table and then took the glasses and cup from Jenna. She unscrewed the lid of the sippy cup and poured lemonade in it before putting the lid back on and handing it to her son. Ethan leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees. “Val, I overheard part of your conversation in the kitchen with Jenna…purely by accident.” Brad nodded, looking a little sheepish. “I know you’re probably never gonna trust me, but I’d appreciate it if, from now on, you could keep that to yourself. I am better and I have changed. I know it’s not easy for you to understand that, but it’s true. You’re still clinging to your old beliefs about me, and if that works for you, great. But my son is getting old enough that he’ll start listening to you and believing every word you say. I start using again…you take him away from me. Get full custody. Get a restraining order. Move and don’t give me your forwarding address. I don’t give a rat’s ass. But for now—when I’ve actually made those changes—give me a chance, would you?”
Talk about awkward. Jenna stole a glance at Brad and Chris. Brad was holding a plastic truck for Chris while the child drank from his cup and looking away, but Jenna suspected he felt as uncomfortable as she did. Val asked, “Why now, Ethan?” Her tone was full of accusation, but she wasn’t raising her voice.
He shrugged, quiet for a few moments, as his gaze fell upon his son. But then he looked back up at Valerie. “I guess i
t’s because I finally hit rock bottom. There was no hope, no future, and I was being swallowed by my addictions…and more. I have a lot of mental shit going on that fueled a lot of it, and I’m just now becoming aware of it.”
Valerie’s expression softened. “Depression?”
Ethan nodded. “Jenna’s helped me see how it feeds into the destructive behavior I tend to lean toward, and I’m learning new ways of coping with it.” He made sure he had her attention and he held his hand up, almost pinching his index finger and thumb together but leaving a little room in between. “I’m this close to happiness, Val, something I’ve never been…ever. And, whether she wants to admit it or not, Jenna is a big part of it. I’m not a slave to the shit I took anymore. I’m free, and now I just want to try to live a normal life.” He looked over at Jenna and smiled. “I know that doesn’t mean I’m on easy street now, but it does mean that I want to live, and I want to live a good life.”
Jenna could tell Val was trying to smile, but instead her eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over the next time she blinked. She frowned and said, “Sorry.”
Ethan stepped closer. “You don’t need to be sorry, Val. I’m sorry…I’m sorry for the hell I put you through. I know I don’t even know half of what you went through, but I know you did it because you believed in me, and I let you down.” He clenched his jaw but continued looking at Valerie. Jenna was impressed—she hadn’t expected him to reach that point yet. “I don’t do all the twelve step stuff, but I do think it’s a good thing to apologize for what I did when I was consumed by all that shit. That goes for you too, Brad. I don’t expect you guys to forgive me or trust me, but I hope I can prove myself over time. I just ask that you let me see my son. He’s the world to me.”
Val’s lip quivered and she blinked, and there went the tears. Jenna felt herself growing emotional just watching. Val wrapped her arms around Ethan and said again, “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how hard it had been for you. I was just feeling my own pain.”
Ethan held her and said, “Don’t say sorry, Val. You don’t need to.” It was then that Jenna could tell that Ethan and Val still loved each other, and she felt her heart sink. That meant she (and Brad) would always play second fiddle to them. And that little tear she thought she’d reined in fell to her cheek and she closed her eyes, hoping to will the remainder of them away.
Chapter Thirty-four
JENNA DIDN’T SAY a word on the trip back to Ethan’s apartment, but Chris chatted enough for both of them. Ethan wondered why Jenna was being so quiet. Halfway home, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She was looking out of the passenger window, staring at a concrete wall, and didn’t turn to face him.
“Jenna…”
“Nothing.”
“Bullshit. You think I don’t know you well enough?” She didn’t say a word, so Ethan just drove. When he saw the McDonald’s, he pulled over and drove into the parking lot.
“Why are we here?”
“Coffee for us, juice and French fries for Chris.” Jenna raised her eyebrows but unbuckled her seatbelt. They stood in line and ordered and less than five minutes later, Chris was in a high chair munching on a fry and Jenna was stirring cream into her coffee. Ethan said, “We’re not leaving until you tell me what’s bothering you. Did Val say something to upset you?” He suspected he’d only heard part of their conversation, and God knew what Val might have said. True or not, it would have been tainted with Val’s low opinion of him, and he just wanted to know what it was.
Jenna sucked in a slow breath, and then she blinked a few times. Why the hell was she ready to cry? Why wouldn’t she talk to him? “Hey,” he said, and got up to move to her side of the booth.
Chris watched him from the high chair at the end of the table. When he sat down again, Chris said, “Daddy. Free-fry.”
Ethan smiled at his son. Chris was holding out a limp fry, wanting to feed it to Ethan, so he leaned forward and opened his mouth, letting his son deposit the potato in his mouth. “Thanks, buddy.” He tousled the hair on his smiling boy, and then turned his attention to Jenna. He put his arm over her shoulders and pulled her close. “What’s bothering you? Talk to me. You can be honest with me, Jenna. I’ve been around the block a time or two. Nothing you say will shock me, especially if Val said something nasty. It’s okay. I can take it.”
Jenna began sobbing in earnest then, and he decided maybe he just needed to let her get it out of her system. He looked back at his son and winked at the boy who decided he liked the little paper cup of ketchup and was dunking his index finger in it and licking his finger off, neglecting the fries. After a few minutes, her sobs died down and she grabbed a napkin off the table to wipe the tears away. She didn’t look at Ethan, but she said, “You still love her, don’t you?”
“Valerie?” Jenna nodded, her head back on his chest. Again, it was time to be honest. If he wanted to spend the rest of his life with this woman, he needed to be truthful with her. And that hit him hard when he realized he did want to be with Jenna forever. He inhaled and ran his hand down the back of her head over her silky hair. “Part of me will always love her, Jenna. She’s the mother of my child. I was her first and the father of her child, and as much as she hates me, she probably still has feelings too. But make no mistake—I don’t love her like a wife anymore. It’s more a respect than love, I guess, and I do care about her. She’s a beautiful human being. I’m sure you don’t believe that, because you haven’t had the chance to see her like I see her. But there’s a reason why we’re not together. We would never work. We’re not compatible. And the fire’s gone. The only feelings we have for each other now are based on history and our child.”
He kissed the top of her head. “There’s another woman now. She’s tough as nails and she’s helped me walk through the valley of death. She’s helped me find a reason to live, and she loves me in spite of every bad thing I’ve ever done. She’s stood behind me and helped me to understand why I’ve failed before and helped me to become someone better than I’d ever hoped. That is the woman who now has my undying love.”
Jenna looked up at Ethan then, blinking back fresh tears. She didn’t say anything, looked like she couldn’t speak, but she stroked his cheek with her hand. Ethan said, “I want to spend forever with that woman…but I don’t know that I’m worthy, and I don’t know if she loves me the same way.”
She inhaled deeply then and sat up. “Oh, I do, Ethan. I love you with everything I am. I think you’re the first man who ever really understood me. I don’t want to be without you.”
“Then don’t.” He kissed her then, a life-affirming kiss that she felt down to the depths of her soul.
Chris banged on the table and said, “Jenna! Free-fry!”
She opened her eyes and looked at the sweet little boy sitting at the end of the table, his mouth and tiny fist covered in ketchup. He was holding out a fry towards Jenna, beaming with pride. Ethan whispered, “Can you handle that?”
She winked at him and said, “Don’t mind if I do.” She leaned toward Chris and said, “Bring it, little man,” then opened her mouth to receive his gift. Ethan squeezed her shoulders, ready to begin his new life, eager to try on a little happiness for the first time. He suspected he was going to enjoy it.
Epilogue
I’M LIVING PROOF that if you’re strong enough, you can survive. It helps to have someone who loves you and believes in you, though, and there was something I didn’t tell Jenna that day in McDonald’s. I told her later that Brad and I shook hands that day, vowing to get our band back together and do what we did best—make music.
I had worried that my creative juices were dried up, gone, believing that I could only experience inspirational revelation while under the influence. It’s not true. It was harder for me, yeah, but not impossible. Clarity in the long run actually improved my writing, particularly when it came to lyrics. I read some of my newest stuff and actually think there might be a poet inside of me.
Peace out, my friends. I don’t plan to give you any more laughable concerts where you all place bets on when I’m going to topple over, unable to get up.
But I don’t promise to not break another guitar in the moment of passion. That shit’s just too fucking cool, and you guys eat it up. That’s one of the things I live for.
Thanks for this second chance. I won’t let you down.
For More Information
If you or someone you love suffers from mental illness, then you know it can be truly debilitating. Mental illness strips sufferers from enjoyment of life, but it can also make it impossible for them to hold jobs, maintain relationships, and it can even make people feel as though they no longer want to continue living. In the United States, some folks tend to think mental illnesses aren’t as debilitating as physical diseases, but I’d like to argue that they’re wrong. Having worked with people who have suffered from depression, anxiety, and social phobias, I can tell you folks burdened with these diseases often report that it’s harder sometimes to get help (or, at the very least, find understanding or empathy), because those are illnesses no one can see. There is help, though. People shouldn’t have to suffer in silence. For more information, please check out these resources:
National Alliance on Mental Illness – A mental health organization dedicated to helping those afflicted with mental illness to find the help they need. They focus on research, advocacy, and raising awareness in the general population.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention – An organization dedicated to healing those who have lost loved ones to suicide, educating the public about why people choose to take their own lives, and finding ways to prevent it.
Rock Bottom (Bullet) Page 23
