Ink and Ashes

by Valynne E. Maetani

  I thought about how love can be shown in small ways, how long he’d been doing that. Like the way he’d trade lunches with me when I didn’t want what Mom had packed or how he made Spritzkuchen to cheer me up. And how all those small ways can add up to something bigger, which I should have realized a long time ago. My whole body buzzed, a chorus of tingling sensations rising to the surface.

  Forrest had reached into my heart somehow and given life to something slumbering inside of me, new and full of energy. His words danced in my head, sweeping out the worries that plagued me: the terrible events that had happened, the terrible events that could happen, the fear and uncertainty of what role I had played. And for the first time in a long time, my mind was clear, empty of noise and debris.

  I glanced down at our hands together, electricity humming between us. “Or how you stayed after school to clean the stall in the boys’ locker room because Chase had written sleazy things about me.”

  “Or now,” he said. He lifted my chin until my gaze met his.

  My pulse spun into a frenzy.

  “I’m in love with you, Claire. Because you’ve been there for almost every good memory. Because you’re the first person I want to talk to when I’ve had a good day or a bad one, when something embarrassing has happened, or when I need to complain. I love you because you make me happy. And sometimes frustrated.”

  His voice began to shake. “I love you because you care deeply for people, and I know when I make mistakes, you love me no matter what. I love you because I know there isn’t a fight out there you wouldn’t jump into the ring with me.”

  My heart swelled. I couldn’t tell if it was from happiness or if it was about to explode and leave me dead. I knew I would love him no matter what. But being in love was something different.

  “Sometimes I think you’re waiting for this perfect, epic love to come along,” he said. “But we’re already epic. No one will ever have the history I have with you. And we’re never going to be perfect, but I’m tired of being patient and waiting around for you to figure out love isn’t perfect, and getting hurt is part of the deal sometimes.”

  I looked deep beyond the blue of his eyes and saw fear and passion and something so tender and fragile it made me want to hold him and never let go. He cradled my cheeks in his hands and pressed his forehead against mine. His hair tickled my face and his breath was sweet butterscotch as it washed over me.

  “I’m going to kiss you for the second grade,” he said.

  Every part of me became still. No one had ever kissed me before. I had bungee jumped off a cliff before, felt the wind rush over my skin as I plummeted, and been less afraid than I was now.

  Forrest leaned down and kissed the hollow space above my collar bone, then left a trail of kisses along my neck before his lips found mine, quieting an eagerness I hadn’t realized was there. I felt like I was falling, and yet couldn’t tell whether it was exhilarating or scary. Both. My mouth responded as if we had done this before, every movement natural, and I was sure if I caught my reflection, I’d find my face glowing.

  He pulled away and raised his head, a cautious smile creeping across his face as if asking whether or not he should continue.

  I waited for my head to tell me all the reasons why we didn’t belong together. Tell me I wasn’t in love with him. But when my mind stayed silent, I let my heart take over. I swept some blond hair from his forehead, then cupped my hands around the back of his neck and brought his lips to mine. I kissed him less tentatively now, sculpting my lips to his mouth as if secrets and lies and people who wanted to hurt me never existed.

  He wrapped his arms around me, carefully pressing his palms into my back as I slid my hands along his neck and up the back of his head. I buried my fingers in his hair. Every touch ignited my skin. Every fear and every pain, every celebration and every victory that we’d shared were all wrapped in this moment, interlocked in a way only the two of us could understand.

  He kissed me until our breaths were ragged, and when he pulled away, he left my lips wanting more. I laid down on the bed, exhausted and spinning, and giddy. Somehow the aches and pains from the accident had been swallowed in the moment, but crept back, reminding me of their presence.

  Forrest curled next to me and stroked my hair. Alarm crossed his face. “Are you hurt? I’m so sorry. I wasn’t really thinking when—”

  “I’m fine.” I knew he would call me on that. “I mean, I’m in a little pain, but it’s pain I would have been in anyway, and it was good to forget about it for a little while. Technically I’m allowed to do light exercise now, and I think that qualifies.” I smiled and placed my hand on his chest. “You were gentle. And perfect.”

  His face relaxed. “It was perfect.”

  Until then, I hadn’t been self-conscious, but Forrest had kissed more girls than I wanted to think about, unlike me. I had no idea what I was doing. “Really? Are you just saying that?”

  Instead of answering right away, he leaned forward and kissed me again. “Do you remember when you asked me why I broke up with Olivia?”

  I nodded.

  “It’s because she wasn’t you.” He held my chin and brushed his thumb across my lips. “I have been waiting so long for this that there’s no way it could be anything but perfect.” His eyes crinkled. “If anything, it went a lot better than I thought it would,” he said. “But I also know you could freak out any minute now, so I’m not going to get too excited.”

  I paused and quieted everything in my head. “I think I’m okay. What are we going to tell everyone else?”

  “They already knew how I felt,” he said. “I think it was obvious to everyone but you, so I think they’ll probably be happy they don’t have to listen to my whining anymore. Not that I whine.”

  “I don’t know if I’m ready to say anything to them.” I raised my eyes to the ceiling. “I need some time to adjust.”

  “Claire, I don’t want anything to change between us.” He scooted closer and carefully pulled my head against his chest. “I mean, this is a good change, and I like this change, but everything else, the way we are with each other, I don’t want that to change.”

  “Will you go to the Halloween dance with me?”

  “I’ll need to check my schedule, but I think I can arrange that.”

  I reached up and kissed him. I listened to the beat of his heart, and for the first time in a while, I felt like I could fall asleep.

  IT HAD BEEN a week since I’d last been at school. Mom had bought me a new backpack while I was in the hospital and had checked the lunar calendar to ensure I was returning to school on a good luck day. I woke up early so I’d have time to get everything ready. Since I’d turned my whole backpack over to the police, I needed to make sure I filled my bag with school supplies again. I opened my desk drawer to get a pencil and saw the business card for the Waiawa Circle of Friends.

  With everything that had happened with Forrest the night before, I’d forgotten about it. I went to the website listed on the card to get more information. The Waiawa Circle of Friends was a nonprofit organization that worked with inmates at the Waiawa correctional facility. In addition to helping the inmates “explore forgiveness and repair harm” as the card stated, they provided classes in communication and conflict-resolution skills. At some point, my father must have worked with this group, probably offering counsel to help rehabilitate inmates.

  I took the card and returned it to the notebook in the box at the back of my closet. To make sure it didn’t fall out again, I placed it in the empty envelope that once held the letter from my father to my dad. Forrest’s car horn sounded, so I grabbed my bag and headed downstairs with heavy feet.

  That morning, the sky was gray and burdened with clouds. I dragged in a deep breath before Forrest helped me out of the car. He walked me to my locker, his hand on my back the whole way.

  “I would’ve held your hand, but I’m guessing you’re not one for PDA,” he said.

  I shoved some books into my l
ocker. “You know me well.” I glanced at him and saw his face radiating with a huge smile. “What’s that for?” I smiled back.

  “You. Me.” He raised my chin with one finger. “I was beginning to think it would never happen.” He bent down and sneaked a quick kiss. “When can we tell everyone? I feel like I’m going to explode, and I don’t know if I can hide this any longer.”

  “It just happened last night,” I said.

  “I know. And I haven’t said one word yet.” He put a hand on his chest. “I’m pretty proud of myself.”

  I laughed. He was still Forrest, but he was mine in a different way. Part of me wanted to hold that close and keep it to myself forever.

  “I’m sure it will happen soon,” I said.

  He put his hands at his sides. “I’ll try to behave myself until then.”

  I hooked a finger in his belt loop and tugged him closer. “I didn’t say I wanted you to behave.”

  “You are pure evil sometimes,” he said. “In a good way.” He waggled his eyebrows. “Let’s get to class before you tempt me too much.” I sighed and closed my locker.

  Even though Forrest had brought homework to me during my absence, I still had a lot to catch up on. Every class weighted me with more and more work to do. But I made it through the morning and lunch, even though the cafeteria was noisy and crowded as usual and I wanted to run. Seeing Forrest between classes helped settle my nerves and let me focus on something good for at least a few minutes before I went to the next class and my mind started to wander again.

  I paused before I entered history class. Even if Chase hadn’t been involved in anything that had happened, he was the last person I wanted to see.

  Mr. Tama caught me hesitating outside the door. “Welcome back,” he said, startling me. “Generally we hold class inside the classroom.” He gave me a warm smile.

  “I’m still adjusting,” I said.

  “Hey, I wanted to mention I’ve had time to review your previous quiz scores and essay grades. Your grades are stellar, and you don’t have a history of problems with academic integrity. In addition, your accuser spoke to me voluntarily regarding the matter, and this person has said they might have made a mistake. I’m not sure how a mistake of this significance could happen, but I was able to petition to have the issue of cheating resolved. You can go back to the soccer team as soon as tomorrow if you want.”

  “Thank you,” I said, exhaling a large breath. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time.” I didn’t bother telling him going back to the team wasn’t going to happen. It wouldn’t have made a difference. I was just happy there was one less thing I had to worry about.

  He opened the door and motioned for me to go inside. Not even Chase could make me stop smiling as I went to my seat.

  “Welcome back,” Katie whispered.

  “Kisses.” Lanie blew a kiss. Mika, Kimi, and Ashley all whispered hellos before I sat down next to Forrest. I smiled back, happy to see them.

  Right after I’d gotten home from the hospital, I’d called and told Coach I wouldn’t be returning this season. He said he was sad, but he said he agreed with the doctor, and my spot would be waiting for me next year. After that I texted Katie, even though I knew Coach would tell her and the rest of the team. She was supportive, like I knew she would be, and said everyone would miss me. I would miss playing, but I was surprised to realize how much I had missed being around the girls on the team.

  “As we discussed,” Mr. Tama said, “you will be divided into two groups: Federalists and Anti-Federalists.” He wrote those terms on the board. “Each group will be responsible for writing a newspaper article supporting your position, and then you will defend your arguments in class together against your classmates.”

  He went to his desk and unlocked the bottom drawer. He retrieved his messenger bag and removed a stack of papers. “Now that all of you have chosen partners,” Mr. Tama said, “I want to talk about the grading criteria.” He handed the stack to Chase. “Take one and pass it on.”

  I turned to Forrest. “Are we partners?”

  “No. I tried to sign us up together, but you were already assigned.”

  I raised my hand, and when Mr. Tama called on me, I said, “I’m not sure who my partner is.”

  He went behind his desk and looked at the screen of his laptop. “In your absence, it looks like Calvin Harper offered to work with you.”

  “Who’s Calvin?” Forrest whispered.

  My throat tensed. “Mumps.”

  Forrest’s body went rigid. He faced the front of the class and didn’t look at me after that.

  When class ended, I stood up and grabbed Forrest’s hand. His shoulders relaxed a little.

  “It’s just a history project,” I said. “Come on. Let’s go.” I threw my backpack on my shoulder.

  Mumps had lagged behind to wait for me. “Howdy, pardner,” he said under the weight of an overdone Western drawl.

  I jumped, then tried to act like nothing had happened. “Oh hey, Mumps.”

  He tipped an imaginary cowboy hat in my direction. “Maybe we can get together after school?”

  Forrest shoved his fists into the pockets of his jeans.

  “We can figure something out,” I said, wanting to get out of there as fast as possible.

  Mumps tipped his nonexistent hat again and followed us out of the classroom.

  When we got to my locker, Forrest’s face remained bunched. “I’m going to punch him,” he said.

  “You sound like Nicholas.” I tugged on his finger. It wasn’t Mumps’s fault things had changed between Forrest and me. “Will it make you feel better if I tell him we’re together?”

  “Maybe,” he said. “A little.”

  I glanced at both ends of the hallway, and when no one was looking, I raised my heels and kissed him.

  I left Forrest and headed to study hall in the library. Fed had already claimed our usual table. Every now and then I glanced out the window despite my efforts to concentrate. Nothing was there, but I couldn’t help myself. It felt like I was being watched. The police hadn’t found anything yet, and until they did, I’d probably be jumping at every bump in the night. He was still out there, somewhere, lying in wait.

  “Claire, how are you doing?” Fed grabbed my arm to bring me back to reality. “Like, how are you really doing?”

  “Okay, I guess.” I told him about the cheating scandal news, and how what had been a great weight suddenly disappeared with no fanfare, no hearing. “So that’s great news, right? Everything is fine now.”

  He tilted his head, raised an eyebrow, and his lips bunched to the right.

  Forrest had once called me a horrible liar. It looked like Fed agreed with him. I sighed. “Okay, not really. Sometimes I feel sorry for my father and everything he went through.” I turned my head back to the window. “And then I think of everything I’m going through, and it’s unfair.”

  Fed nodded but looked unsure of what to say.

  I pulled a blank sheet of paper and pen from my backpack. “I’ve been trying to fit all these events together, and they just don’t. But maybe if I could visualize it, I might be able to see what I’m missing.”

  I drew a table and labeled the first column Event and the second column Potential Suspects.

  “Maybe you should have a column for conflicting events,” he said, “or notes that tell us what other things were going on at the same time that would give someone an alibi.”

  “Good idea.” I made a third column.

  In the first row, I noted my pictures had been stolen from my locker. “I would think the only suspects would be students, but it can’t be Chase.” I wrote student in the second column and noted Chase was sick in the third.

  In the next row, I wrote black SUV.

  “I guess this could’ve been a student,” Fed said. “But most of the sightings were late at night or when we were at school.”

  I put a question mark in the suspects column and noted school would have been
a potential conflict.

  The third event was the box of eyeballs. “This would have to be a student,” I said.

  “Or a teacher,” Fed said. “We need to consider everything and everyone.”

  I went ahead and wrote both of them down. “The possibilities are really limited for this one. I know it was on a day that started with B-Block classes, so history was after biology, which means he’d have to have access to my backpack either at the end of biology lab or at the beginning of history.” I shook my head. “Chase is really the only one I can think of.”

  Fed pointed to the first event. “The only way all these pieces make sense is if Chase wasn’t really sick that day.”

  “Or there’s more than one person, and they’re working together.” A chill ran up my arms. I was drowning in all the possibilities, none of them good, and needed to come up for air.

  “I’m sorry.” I shook off thoughts of the events as much as possible. “We’ve been focusing on me this whole time. How’s the prep going for the Halloween dance? Are you nervous?”

  “A little.” His upper lip twitched.

  “You’ll be fine.” I jabbed him in the ribs with my elbow.

  Fed rubbed the spot on his T-shirt where my elbow had connected. “Ashley’s as pretty as the girls Nicholas goes out with.” His eyes glowed with excitement.

  “She is,” I said. “Not that you’re competing with your brother or anything.”

  “I dunno.” He raised his eyes to the ceiling. “Nicholas always gets the pretty girls.”

  “Do you ever wonder why Nicholas doesn’t have a girlfriend?” I asked. “It’s because being pretty shouldn’t be the thing that matters.” I thought of Forrest, and warmth flushed my cheeks. He had definitely seen me on my better days and my not so good days, and he’d never given up on me through all of that.

  Through the library door’s window, I could see Parker. A group had gathered around him. His whole class must have gotten out early. Laughter rose from the crowd as he raised his shirt to reveal eyes he had drawn around his nipples and a belly button that looked like a whistling mouth. His hips swayed side to side, and a small spare tire swung as he moved.