“We’re leaving today. I just figured I’d say goodbye.”
My chest ached. There was a suspicious lump in my throat and when I spoke, my voice cracked around the lump. “Where’s home?”
His smile was sexy and all charm. “Why? You going to look me up?”
I hesitated.
He put his hand on the counter and leaned closer. There was trepidation on his face, but also something more focused and pointed. “Look me up, Charlie.”
“I…”
“I know what we said. I know that I’m breaking the rules, or whatever. I just feel like maybe there’s more to this.” He swallowed audibly and shook his head. “This whole thing has thrown me for a fucking loop. I won’t lie to you. I didn’t want a mate. I liked the way my life was. It was easy.
“And those guys are my brothers, the only family I have. Hell, I wouldn’t have survived to adulthood without them. But…I… I don’t know. You’ve got my brain all fucked up.”
Tears formed in my eyes and even though I tried to blink them away, a couple escaped out the corners. It was obvious he was meeting me ninety percent of the way. All I had to do was give a little, just a little, and we could have a chance.
“I’d be lying if I said that I could walk away and not think about you every day for the rest of my life.”
“Axel, stop.”
“Don’t fucking do it, Charlotte. You look at me right now and tell me that you don’t want a chance at whatever this is.”
I couldn’t look at him.
“Look at me.”
I shook my head and wrapped my arms around myself. “I can’t.”
“You can’t look at me, or you can’t look at me and tell me that you’re too chicken shit to give us a shot?”
I could hear the anger and hurt in his voice and I wanted to scream at him for making me hear that.
“Because that’s what I was. I admit it. Chicken shit. I don’t trust anyone, especially not outside of the club. My dad died when I barely out of diapers and my mom fucked her way through town before leaving me with a couple bucks and a goodbye kiss before I was even a teenager. I never trusted a chick after that. I watched it with the other guys. Ol’ Ladies who were supposed to stick around never did. Don’t you do it, too. Don’t do it, Charlie.”
My heart ached and I looked up at him, finally, with tears streaming down my face. That little boy I’d seen the other night was right there in is expression. The pain of old hurts—abandonment and rejection—still clear on his face.
“Don’t look at me like that. I’m not telling you so you’ll feel sorry for me. I’m telling you so you’ll fucking see that I’m terrified of saying this shit to you, but I’m still doing it. I’m standing here and asking you to give this a shot with me. Because I think you’re worth it.”
“I…” I wanted to say yes. I wanted a shot. I wanted him.
“I’m not asking for everything all at once, Charlie. Just a chance to get there.” He shook his head. “We can talk marriage and two point five kids later.”
And just like that, my heart crashed to the floor and shattered in a million pieces. Why bother to start anything when I couldn’t give him what he’d eventually want. A family.
“Whoa. I was kidding, Charlie.” He choked the words out. “I’m just asking for a chance, not all that.”
I shook my head. I couldn’t give him anything. I didn’t have it to give. “I can’t.”
He leaned across the counter and grasped my forearms. His touch was gentle, shocking to my senses. “Come on. I know you want the same. I can feel it.”
He was right. The picture he painted was everything I’d always wanted. Ever since I was a little girl, I’d thought that being mated would be the best thing that would ever happen to me. Not that I needed a man to feel whole or any of that shit, but I’d waited for my mate to one day arrive and sweep me off my feet. The one man who was perfect for me. He was a little rougher than I’d imagined, but I no longer had any doubt that Axel was that man. And he was right there, in front of me, asking me to give him that chance. The chance to sweep me off my feet.
Motorcycles roared outside and I felt my pulse quicken. As they neared, they felt like a countdown to how the rest of my life would play out. Would I spend it alone and wondering what might have been? Or would I spend it with a man I might grow to love more than life itself, disappointing him for the rest of our lives when he realized that I couldn’t give him the family he wanted? The family he deserved.
Maybe I’d already grown to love him. My heart was breaking like I had. I barely knew him, but I could see the effort he was making putting himself on the line for me.
I gently pulled away from his grip as the V-twin engines thundered outside.
“Don’t fucking do it, Charlie. Don’t.”
I covered my mouth with my hand and choked back a sob.
“I’m trying, here. I’ll do what I have to. I saw how your family looked at you and heard how they talked about you. You are different. Different from every other woman on the planet.” He reached for me again.
I stepped back, bumping into the door to my office behind me. “N-No.”
And just like that, Axel, the gruff, seasoned, hard-core biker was back. He stood up straighter and rubbed his eyes. I could see his pulse beating at his throat, but he scrubbed his hands down his face and shook his head. “Okay.”
“I’m sorry. I can’t explain. I wish—”
“It’s fine.” He backed away, holding his hands up in front of him. “You and me, we probably would’ve ended in fire, anyway, right?”
I felt desperate all of a sudden. Desperate for him to understand, desperate not to be the bad guy, desperate not to hurt him. “Axel, I’m sorry. I want—”
“I don’t care what you want, Charlie.” He laughed bitterly. “Let’s be real here. You just flat out rejected me. If you think I’m going to sit here and listen to you whine about it, you’re out of your damn mind.”
“I just want to—”
“I fucked another chick. After I claimed you. I took another chick into my bedroom and I fucked her brains out. Maybe we got this mate thing wrong, anyway. Just forget it. It’s no big deal, right?”
I had to catch myself on the counter. My body cramped like he’d physically dealt a blow right to my chest. I gasped for air and looked up at him through tears.
He was just a black blur as the front door closed behind him and the engines revved again before fading away.
23
Charlie
I felt the heartbreak intensify every minute after Axel left. It was like I could feel my heart shrivel more and more every time the second hand made another revolution leading to yet another painful minute. It was torture, but I told myself that in time it would get better. It had to. I couldn’t live the rest of my life like that. And that’s when the panic set in, because what if it never got better? What if I spent forever feeling every second without him? What if I never felt okay?
The pain was constant. Through Mama and Daddy questioning me around the house, through Holt popping into the shop and questioning me, through Sonnie with her silent but pitying looks. They were all so worried about me.
There was no keeping it a secret, either. Everyone knew. They knew the dirty details, because Helen’s Corner was, well, Helen’s Corner. They knew that I’d rejected Axel. They knew that I was obviously upset. They just didn’t understand why I’d done what I’d done. Friends, family, and acquaintances all looked at me either like I’d lost my mind, or with sympathy so deeply etched on their faces that I wanted to bash my head into a wall.
I wasn’t even free from it at St. Anon. Curious women and their stares surrounded me. Kind, but curious. We were an odd little family, but a family nonetheless. We stuck together. They wanted me to be happy and they knew that I wasn’t. I also knew that there were women in the crowd that were taken aback because they’d do anything for a chance at finding a mate.
I snapped to attention whe
n someone touched my shoulder and looked back to find Denny smiling at me.
“Come on, Charlie. Let’s get you home.”
I blinked a few times to clear the cob webs, and shook my head. “Anywhere else.”
I couldn’t handle being around Mama Jean, seeing the look on her face. She meant well, but it was impossible for the woman to mind her own damn business, and god only knew when they were going to leave. They were both retired, so they apparently didn’t see the problem with invading my space for all of eternity. I just needed a break.
“Alright. How ‘bout we get you a room at Muddy’s? You’ll be tucked away and no one will bother you. How’s that sound?”
Carter made a scoffing sound. “No way. She’ll stay at our house.”
“With you and your mate?”
I stood up and held up my hands. “I’m fine. This is crazy. I’m making such a spectacle of myself. I hate causing a scene.”
Sonnie gave me a blank stare. “A scene? There’s four people here.”
“Not just here. Everywhere. Everyone knows about poor pitiful Charlie. Everyone wants to ask about it. I did this. I don’t get to wallow in it now, right?”
They all looked around at each other and rolled their eyes. Sonnie cupped my face in her hands and sighed. “We’ve all been where you are. Missing our mate but refusing to allow him into our life. You don’t have to stick with this choice, Charlie. You’re clearly miserable. You can go to him. Go, get him.”
I looked around Helen’s land and shook my head. “You don’t understand.”
“Well, then, explain. This is ridiculous, Charlie. I’ve never seen you so upset. He seemed willing to do whatever it took to make it work between you two. What’s going on? Why did you turn down a man who was willing to sit through dinner with your family and still want to be a part of it?”
I looked up at the sky and felt my wolf curl up into a tighter ball. Even the full moon wouldn’t pacify her. She was suffering. I was suffering. Suck it up, Buttercup.
Staring into the faces of the women I’d come to love like sisters, I opened my mouth to assure them that it would all be okay. That’s when the truth came tumbling out.
“Remember when I decided I don’t want a family, that I don’t want kids, and you all thought I was crazy? It’s not that I don’t want kids because I decided I don’t want kids. I didn’t decide. I didn’t get to decide. I can’t have children.”
And the whole story, every heartbreaking detail of it, gushed like a blocked fountain that just became unclogged. Before I knew it, I was hyperventilating because voicing it all made it even more real and cemented the fact that Axel was gone and I was alone. Forever.
“… and I found out from Dr. Marnier… was the day that Axel and his biker club rolled into town… my life changed forever… y’all think I rejected Axel because he’s not good enough, not mate material, but he’s not the problem. I’m the one who’s not good enough to be his mate… I’m sterile, barren, infertile… broken…”
All of their consoling fell on deaf ears that night because I was beyond consolable. I felt like my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. I cried for everything—my shattered dreams, the loss of my mate; I even cried for the ten children I’d never have.
I felt worse when I noticed Sonnie looking guilty as though she didn’t want the fact that she’d recently given birth to my niece to further upset me. It seemed that all the pain I’d been sucking up didn’t just come back out, it exploded its way out of me.
When we got to the B&B, it was completely full. Not to be deterred, the girls tucked me into Muddy’s own bed. I didn’t have any pajamas of my own to put on, so Carter dug through Muddy’s drawers and pulled out a pair of sweat pants and an old t-shirt for me. I was a mess and the only thing that might help was a good night’s sleep and a new mindset in the morning.
I hadn’t been asleep for long, when the mattress sunk behind me. I whined and tried to move away, until I realized it was Muddy.
She wrapped her arms around me and held me. “Shh. They told me. Go back to sleep. It’ll be just fine, Charlie. Everything will be better in the morning.”
If I thought I’d cried out all of my tears earlier in the evening, I was mistaken. Muddy held me as I cried myself back to sleep and when I woke up, she still had her arm draped around me.
She kissed the side of my head and sighed. “Want some pancakes?”
I shook my head. “Not hungry.”
“Orange juice?”
“No.”
“Want to stay in bed with the covers over your head and hide from the world forever?”
I nodded. “We missed you.”
“Yeah? Well, I missed y’all more.” She pulled away from me and sat up. “I’ll make you a deal. You get up and shower today and I won’t make you talk about any of this until tomorrow.”
“I can’t.”
“Fine. You stay in bed, I stay in bed. And we talk all about everything today. I’m sure the girls can be here within the hour.”
I scowled. “I was so glad to see you a few minutes ago.”
“Yeah, that sentiment seems to be going around.”
I rolled over to get a good look at her and frowned. She looked rough. Even her vibrant red hair seemed dull. Here she was consoling me when she clearly had issues of her own. And, here I was bellyaching about my problems instead of being the friend to her that she always was to me. That made me sit up. Focusing on someone else’s problems instead of my own, allowed me feel like I could breathe again. “What is it, Muddy? What’s wrong?”
She shrugged. “Seems like, between the two of us, we’ve got enough issues to last a lifetime.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. You’re not, though. You’re smelly, you’re in my bed, and you’re apparently attempting to go into hibernation.”
I cringed. “Don’t say hibernation.”
“Why? Because it’s what bears do?”
“Don’t.”
“Fine. I’m going to go make us some breakfast. I’ll give you until I get back up here to shower.”
“Wait.” I held my breath and fought tears. “Don’t go.”
“You ready to talk?”
“Not even a little bit. I did enough of that last night.”
“Well, I want to hear it from your own lips. Spill.”
24
Axel
I needed my car back two days ago!” The suit stepped around the scattered tools on the shop floor and flicked imaginary lint off of the shoulder of his five thousand dollar suit.
“When I dropped it off, you said you’d have it finished two days ago.” I sized him up—five foot six, a hundred and fifty pounds, looked like a whiny Mommy’s boy.
“I said if the part we ordered got here in time.” I turned my back on him, and started walking away. I had no desire to engage in a conversation, or even explain that the part had been on backorder and had just arrived in the morning’s delivery.
“Is that any way to run a business?”
I moved through the shop, ignoring the asshole as best I could. I had a pounding headache. I needed some hair of the dog or something harder if I was going to make it through the day. One more fucking day. Joy.
“Are you listening to me? This is reprehensible!”
Fuck, I shouldn’t have even come in the shop. Fucking piece of shit idea that was. I should’ve stayed in bed and slept the day away.
“I expect my car to be repaired by the end of the day, or I’m notifying the authorities!” The suit grabbed my shoulder and it was the biggest mistake he’d ever made.
I turned, roared loud enough to shake the building, and grabbed the asshole by the throat. Before I could do any real damage, Fontaine and a few other brothers were there, pulling me off of the scrawny little shit.
He coughed and gagged, his face bright red. He was still muttering something, but I didn’t care.
“Finish his fucking car and get it out of here. I’m going b
ack home.”
“But we—”
“I don’t give a fuck. I’m going home.”
I strode out of the shop. Only a few weeks earlier, I’d been so proud of the business that I’d built from the ground up. Now, it was meaningless. None of it mattered. Nothing had any meaning anymore. Since returning from Helen’s Corner, I was numb to everything. Everything but the intense, acute pain of Charlie’s rejection.
I rode to the clubhouse on the way home and grabbed a couple of fifths of whiskey. Settling at the bar, I hunkered down to finish them both. Where they lead, I didn’t know. I didn’t care. I just needed something to get me through the day. Something to ease my pain. Something to help me forget about Charlie for just a little while.
25
Charlie
Never in my life did I ever think I would be pulling my Chevy Cruze into the parking lot of a motorcycle clubhouse. Judging by the looks I was receiving, no one there expected it, either. I didn’t give myself time to sit in my car and think about what I was doing. I mumbled to myself: Suck it up, Buttercup. I pushed open the door and stepped out.
I’d worn a dress in some silly attempt to impress Axel, a decision I was second guessing as, head held high, I employed my best ‘confident woman’ stride to cross the lot. The heels I’d paired with the dress made me teeter on the gravel walkway up to the big warehouse looking place.
My stomach was a boulder. It had been there for a week, since my discussion with Muddy. She’d let me mope in her room for the week, probably to pay me back for saving her house, but then she drew the line. She insisted I go talk to Axel and tell him why I’d rejected him.
So, I’d lain in her bed for days, anxious about the moment she kicked me out and I had to do what I’d promised I’d do. Days’ worth of anxiety had turned me into a yellow-bellied cowardly mess. Besides the boulder my stomach, that refused even the idea of food, was harboring, there was a constant lump in my throat that refused to budge.
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