by Nina Lane
“Oh, he has a suitcase full,” Florence says with a sigh, though she gives Mr. Jenkins a look of pure devotion. “By the way, Olivia, thank you for checking in on the house watering the plants while we’re gone. I’m a little worried about my peace lily.”
“Happy to do it.”
“I need either a stiff drink or a cookie,” announces a female voice. “Maybe both.”
We all glance up as Kelsey comes through the front door, her red heels clicking on the floor as she strides to the counter. Archer slides out from under the cold case and gets to his feet, his gaze going to her like an arrow.
“Oh no.” Kelsey holds up her hand. “Don’t give me that look, Archer West.”
Instead of seeming affronted by her sharp tone, a slow grin spreads over Archer’s face. “Are you a premier member yet?”
“I am,” Florence says.
“Florence, I’m surprised you’re not the president,” Kelsey remarks, sitting on a stool beside the other woman.
“What’s going on?” Allie asks.
Kelsey reaches into her bag for her cell phone as Archer approaches the counter. For some reason, he looks rather pleased with himself.
“Insufferable,” Kelsey mutters, scrolling on her phone. “That’s what he is. Insufferable.”
She holds out her phone to show us the ending of the clip of Archer’s dog rescue. The screen flashes with the words:
Join the Archer West Fan Club
All Archer, all the time!
www.archerwestfanclub.com
“Really?” Allie says with delight, grabbing the phone from Kelsey. “Archer has his own fan club?”
“A very well-deserved one,” Florence says warmly, reaching across the counter to squeeze Archer’s biceps.
I peer over Allie’s shoulder as she pulls up the fan club website, which is filled with Storm Hunters screenshots of Archer, as well as candid shots that someone in town must have taken. There are clips of his appearances on Storm Hunters and message boards to discuss “All Things Archer West.”
“Seven hundred members already,” Allie says. “Look at these topics. Your Favorite Archer Episode. Archer Encounters. All About Archer. Oh my God.”
She stops and looks at Kelsey. “Did you see this?”
“See what?”
“This.”
Allie holds out the phone to show us the forum topic Archer and Kelsey.
“Uh oh,” I mutter, knowing Kelsey and Archer have always been careful about revealing too much about their personal relationship on Storm Hunters. Viewers know they’re together, but they make a point of being professional on-screen to maintain as much privacy as possible.
So much for that, apparently.
Allie scrolls through the forum messages, which reveal two factions—the “’shippers” who are all for a relationship between Archer and Kelsey (“Archey for life!”) and those who would rather see Archer with anyone but Kelsey (“Omigod, she is so wrong for him! He’s such a hottie!”).
I get a chocolate-chip cookie out of a jar and put it on a plate for Kelsey. “How long has this been live?”
“Two days.” Kelsey bites into the cookie. “The hottie over there told me he set up an account for me so I could participate in the fangirling.”
“Well, you’re all over me every day anyway.” Archer shrugs. “Might as well make it official.”
Kelsey throws me a how do I live with him? look.
“Whoa.” Allie’s eyes widen as she scrolls through the website. “Did you see this one? They’re calling you Cruella de Vil.”
“What?” Kelsey grabs the phone back.
I move to look over her shoulder. Sure enough, a whole faction of Archer fans is deriding Kelsey for calling the dog a “mangy creature” and refusing to let it into the back of the armored car.
She is SUCH a Cruella de Vil! How can Archer even like her? She totally would have made a coat out of that dog if HE hadn’t rescued it! Does PETA know about C de V?
“I didn’t want the dog in the car because we had all the computer equipment in the backseat,” Kelsey says in exasperation. “The dog would have gotten it all wet and muddy and ruined it completely. And for the record, it was a mangy creature.”
“Well, the battle lines are clearly drawn,” Allie says.
Archer and Kelsey lock gazes. A sizzle of heat flickers between them.
“Good thing we’re on the same side,” he remarks.
“Choose your weapons, tough guy,” Kelsey murmurs.
“Prepare to surrender, storm girl.”
“Oh my God, get a room, you two,” Allie says.
A rustle of laughter rises. I turn away, suddenly uneasy at the talk of battles and weapons.
My phone buzzes inside my apron pocket. I glance at it to see a call from Dean lighting up the screen. I turn off the phone without responding and head into the kitchen.
CHAPTER FIVE
OLIVIA
ROUTINE APPOINTMENT. THAT’S ALL. NOTHING IS wrong.
I adjust the flimsy gown over my thighs as I sit in Dr. Nolan’s office waiting for her to arrive. I don’t even feel any irritation in my breast anymore, so maybe the lump just went away. I press my fingers tentatively to the side of my breast, startling slightly at the sound of a knock on the door.
Dr. Nolan, gray-haired and no-nonsense, enters and greets me with her usual brisk attitude before she sits in front of the computer to open my file.
“So you found a lump in your breast, Liv?” she asks.
Dean did. I suddenly wonder if I’d even have noticed it myself, if he hadn’t found it.
“Yes.” I gesture to my left breast. “On the side. It’s about the size of a small marble, and it feels hard.”
“Hmm.” She studies my chart for a minute. “Any family history of breast cancer?”
She asks the question casually, but it stabs into me like a thin, sharp blade. I haven’t even thought that word, let alone said it aloud.
“Not that I know of,” I say. “But I don’t know much about the women in my family. Only my father’s sister and my mother. My maternal grandmother passed away a few years ago, but…”
My voice trails off. I don’t know what she died from. For all I know, it was breast cancer.
Or not. At all.
“I don’t know,” I add.
Dr. Nolan nods. “Okay, let’s take a look.”
Dr. Nolan has been our family doctor ever since Dean and I moved to Mirror Lake. She’s seen me through three pregnancies, a miscarriage and, because of her obstetrics specialization, she delivered both Nicholas and Bella. She’s seen our children for every well-child visit, every earache or nasty cold, and she met us at the hospital the time Nicholas ended up in the ICU after spiking a high fever. She’s always been calm, practical, honest, and reassuring. And I’ve always been comfortable with her… except for now.
When she instructs me to lie back and unfastens the ties of my gown, my stomach knots with anxiety. I look at the ceiling, trying not to feel the prodding of her hands and fingers on my breasts, like she’s kneading dough.
I have a strange hope she won’t find anything unusual. Maybe it was a mistake, and Dean didn’t feel it after all, maybe he was just—
Except that I felt it too. We can’t both have been mistaken.
“Yes,” Dr. Nolan says, poking at my left breast. “There it is.”
My teeth clench involuntarily. I count the ceiling tiles above me. Dr. Nolan feels the lump for what seems like an inordinately long time. She presses her fingers against it and moves it around as if she’s assessing every detail.
“So what do you think?” I ask when I can’t stand it any longer.
She doesn’t respond.
That’s not good.
“You’ve never had any problems with cysts or lumps bef
ore your period, have you?” she asks.
“No.”
“Any recent injuries or accidents? Or any pain?”
“No injuries. I noticed a little bit of discomfort a couple of times, but no real pain.”
“Any discharge from your nipples?”
“No.”
Dr. Nolan spends even more time feeling every inch of both breasts, until I begin to think I’m going to be bruised by the time this is over. I watch her face, hoping against hope that her grave expression will ease into relief and she’ll tell me it feels exactly like a cyst or some other ordinary, unscary thing.
Finally she moves away and folds my gown back into place. I sit up, my heart thumping against my chest.
“So what’s the diagnosis?” I ask, making an effort to keep my voice light.
Dr. Nolan peels off her gloves and turns to face me again. She’s always been a sympathetic but stoic doctor, not given to expressing her own emotions. So when she looks at me with faint worry, I have to smother a surge of apprehension.
“Liv, I’m going to refer you to a doctor who specializes in breast health and surgery,” Dr. Nolan says, placing her hand on my shoulder. “I’m also going to see if we can get you in for more testing today.”
My cell phone buzzes with phone calls and texts from Dean. I send him a quick still at appt text, but I don’t answer the calls. I can’t deal with his concern, not when Dr. Nolan’s nurse calls the radiology department at the Forest Grove Hospital and asks if they can fit me in for a mammogram.
I don’t like the fact that this lump seems to have given everyone a sense of urgency. There’s no way Dr. Nolan would have seen me today, or radiology would fit me in, if I’d called telling them I had a stomachache.
But “I found a lump in my breast,” and everyone is rushing to assist me.
I drive a few blocks to the hospital and go downstairs to the radiology department.
“Olivia?” A technician comes to lead me back to the exam room.
“Have you had a mammogram before?” she asks, handing me another gown to change into.
I’m thirty-six. Should I have had a mammogram before?
“No, I haven’t.”
“Okay, no worries. I’ll explain everything to you as we go along.” She heads to the door with her clipboard. “Go ahead and change, and use those wipes to remove your deodorant. I’ll be right back.”
This room is colder than Dr. Nolan’s exam room, and I start to shiver after I’m in the flimsy gown. The machine is huge, with wide plates that I assume are going to flatten my breasts.
The technician returns, almost too cheerful as she explains the procedure.
“Our radiologist is here today, too,” she says. “So if you want to wait, he should be able to talk to you about the results before you leave.”
I’m not sure I want the results at all, but I agree. I stand and let the technician position me near the machine, then I pull my left arm and breast out of the gown. With an apology for being “pushy,” she tugs and pulls my breast onto the plate before lowering the top plate and squeezing my breast between them. It’s uncomfortable, but not painful.
The technician performs the same procedure with my right breast, then tells me to dress while the radiologist looks over the images. I leaf through a magazine, attempting to suppress the nerves tightening in my belly.
I should text Dean again, but I don’t. Can’t.
“Olivia?” A balding, older man enters the room with my file, extending his hand. “I’m Dr. Martin, the radiologist.”
“Nice to meet you. Thanks for doing this so quickly.”
“Not a problem,” he replies, sitting at the desk and switching on the computer. “So I was looking at your images and you have what are called ‘dense breasts,’ which means your breasts are composed more of connective tissue than fat.”
“Oh.”
“It’s not uncommon,” he continues, gesturing to the computer.
I look at the X-rays of my breasts, which appear like oddly shaped jellyfish on the screen. Dr. Martin waves his hand over the images, explaining that the white areas are breast tissue that can obscure masses, which also appear white.
“So,” Dr. Martin continues, “that means your X-rays are more difficult to read in terms of detecting tumors.”
“So what does that mean?” I ask.
“It means that since you have a palpable lump, we’ll have to do further testing,” he replies. “An ultrasound, at the least. Possibly a biopsy.”
Biopsy?
All the air squeezes from my lungs as I imagine a needle stabbing into my breast.
“Okay.” I grip my phone. “When can I schedule the ultrasound?”
Dr. Martin glances at the clock. “I should be able to fit you in within the hour.”
I nod, trying to convince myself he’s being efficient rather than urgent. After he leaves the room, I stare at my phone and try to work up the courage to call Dean.
But I can’t. Because I have the sick feeling that something is…
CHAPTER SIX
DEAN
…WRONG.
Something is wrong. I know it in my bones, feel it the way an animal senses danger before an attack.
Liv has been gone almost all afternoon, and aside from a few texts that she’s “still here,” I don’t know what’s going on.
For Nicholas and Bella’s sakes, I keep their routine the same—after Bella’s gymnastics class, we pick Nicholas up from school, and I explain that Mom had an appointment, so I’m taking over for the afternoon. We head home for a snack, then play outside before I start dinner and the kids settle down to watch cartoons.
Close to six, the front door opens. I drop the spoon I’m holding and go to meet Liv. She’s unwinding the scarf from around her neck. Her face is pale as paper, lines of fatigue bracketing her eyes and mouth.
“Sorry that took so long,” she says.
My heart starts beating too fast. “What happened?”
“Dr. Nolan wanted me to have a mammogram,” Liv explains, shrugging out of her coat. “Then the radiologist wanted me to have an ultrasound.”
“Why?”
“Something about my breasts having a lot of tissue.” Liv shakes her head and moves past me to the living room. Her voice lightens when she says, “Hey, it’s my two little hedgehogs.”
“Mommy,” Bella yells, pushing to her feet and rushing toward Liv.
Nicholas follows at a more sedate pace to hug her. I smother my burning need to know as Liv asks the kids about their days at school, but when she passes me to go into the kitchen, I grab her arm.
“Tell me,” I say.
“Later,” she whispers, glancing back at the kids.
“Now.”
“Hey, Mom, you have to sign this permission slip for our field trip to see The Wizard of Oz.” Nicholas comes into the kitchen, waving a crumpled piece of paper.
Liv pulls her arm from my grasp and turns to our son. Frustration floods my chest. I struggle to get through the next couple of hours as a flurry of activity follows—Nicholas and Bella both showing Liv their schoolwork, Bella complaining that she doesn’t want to take a bath, Nicholas asking what’s for dessert.
Liv, as usual, handles everything with calm self-assurance, and after a spaghetti dinner, she gives Bella a peach-scented bubble bath while Nicholas and I make brownies from a boxed mix for dessert. The kids eat happily, then run around like monkeys as Liv and I cajole them into bed.
Finally, their lights are out. I follow Liv into the bedroom, my fear spiking anew.
“What?” I ask, more sharply than I’d intended. “Tell me everything.”
“There’s an obvious lump, as you know.” Liv sits on the bed and sighs. “The radiologist couldn’t read the mammogram results because my breasts are too dense, so he did an
ultrasound. Then he said that because of the way the lump looks and feels, he wants to do a biopsy.”
My vision darkens at the edges. A biopsy?
I can’t repeat the word aloud. Liv looks at the floor. Silence stretches between us, brittle and thin.
“He sent the reports to Dr. Nolan, and they’re going to let me know tomorrow when they can schedule it. The radiologist said they’d try to do it quickly, so I don’t have to wait.”
Silence again. I approach her, reaching out to tuck a lock of hair behind her ear. I hate that she had to spend all afternoon at the doctor’s getting tests that will lead to a fucking biopsy of her breast. And I hate that I wasn’t with her.
“I wish you’d called me,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice even. “I could have gone with you.”
“No. You had the kids, and… well, I’m sure it’s nothing anyway. They’re just doing the tests as a precaution, which I guess is a good thing.”
It doesn’t sound good, though. Nothing about this sounds good.
“Come on.” I tilt my head toward the door. “Let’s go watch a bad TV show and eat all the junk food we hide from the kids.”
Liv shakes her head. “I’m really tired. I’m just going to read for a while and go to bed.”
She pushes to her feet and goes into the bathroom. I pace from one end of the room to the other. When Liv comes out, my gaze goes to her breasts beneath her purple nightgown, their gorgeous weight and fullness rounding the thin fabric, the valley of her cleavage revealed by the V neckline.
A biopsy? A needle sticking into her breast to draw out… what?
I drag my eyes up to Liv’s face. She’s watching me, as if she noticed me looking. She pulls on her robe.
“Are you going to do some work?” she asks with forced casualness.
“Uh, yeah. Sure.”
I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do.
I back toward the door as Liv takes the quilt off the bed and starts to fluff up the pillows.
“I guess I’ll go up to my office,” I finally say.
