Then she ran out of the cottage. The back door slammed like a gunshot.
I just stood there. I couldn’t take it in. And then everything just shifted in my head in an instant and it all made sense. Why she wouldn’t talk to me, tell me her secret, anything about her parents. She must hate me.
And then suddenly, I was afraid for her. What was she going to do?
I was out the back door in a second. She was only just ahead of me. She ran up the hill and over the hydro-line clearing and down the other side of the hill. She stumbled and so did I, but we didn’t stop running. I knew I was cut, but I kept following her because I was afraid. Then I tripped and slid down the hill and banged into her and knocked her down. She jumped up and looked all about, as if she hadn’t seen the diving rock before. As if she was looking at it for the first time. All of a sudden she was flying across the ground and took a huge jump into the air. I followed a foot behind her, and we tumbled together into the lake.
We came up at the same time and I checked for my glasses with one hand and grabbed her shirt and hung on tight with the other. She was still crying and there was stuff from her nose on her lip, but I didn’t let go.
She smacked at my arm in the water. “Get away from me. Go away!” she shouted.
“No! I don’t care if you’re not an orphan,” I shouted back. “You’re the best friend I ever had, and I don’t care about anything else.” This was true. I didn’t have to think about it, even. The words just came out of my mouth and they were true.
Cassandra stopped pushing me. All the fight just collapsed out of her. I let go of her shirt and she swam back to the rock. I followed right behind her.
She sat down and let out a sigh that sounded like it came all the way up from her belly button.
“I am so sick of lying. To everybody. But mostly to you. Especially after your father died. I felt terrible. But I couldn’t tell you the truth. But you see Leanna, it doesn’t make me special that no one wants me. It just makes me nothing.”
“You’re not nothing,” I said. I wanted to say more, but I didn’t have the words. I didn’t know how to say what I felt like inside. It was just like the ache I felt when Miss Gowdy read to us. I had all this … desire inside and I didn’t have the words. But I did know one thing, and I could tell Cassandra this.
“You are my friend. It’s true. And not because you’re an orphan, I mean because I thought you were an orphan. But because you’re … you’re … you. You’re exciting. You make me think about things. I mean, really think.” I thought about Laura Butterfield, and about how I suddenly saw her as so fragile. But Cassandra Jovanovich was the opposite. “You’re so strong,” I told her. “You just don’t know it.”
Cassandra looked at me.
“When we go home and I’m gone, will you still be my friend?” she asked.
“I promise,” I told her. “I will write letters to you all the time. And I’m good at writing letters. I say things better when I write them. I have time to think about the right words.”
Cassandra smiled at me. “I will miss you very much, Leanna. But I’m glad I’m leaving. I hate Doris and Ray and all their stupid rules.”
Then she jumped up from the rocks. “Do you want to go skinny-dipping?”
“But Mrs. Fergus said no. We’ll get in trouble.”
Cassandra put her hand up to her eyes and pretended she was looking around.
“Nope. Can’t see her. She’s not here.”
Then she looked behind a tree and behind the big rock. She was so silly, I laughed.
Then she pulled off her blouse and pulled down her shorts. “I don’t care what Doris says anymore. She’s passing me along now, so I don’t care. And why can’t we go skinnydipping? Why is it DISGUSTING? Why is it FILTH?” And she said both words in capital letters and she sounded just like Mrs. Fergus.
I didn’t know. I don’t know why adults have so many rules.
So I took my off my blouse and shorts. And this time I remembered to take off my glasses. We stood there in our underpants.
Cassandra looked at me. “I dare you,” she said.
And so I stuck my tongue out at Cassandra and pulled down my underpants first. Then she pulled down hers and I took her hand and yanked. We took three running steps and leaped into the water, holding hands. We went down, down, fast at first, then slower. And then, for the first time all week, I touched bottom. I stretched out my toes and touched! It was because of Cassandra. Cassandra and me together, we were heavy enough to sink to the bottom. And I felt the rock and sand and dead leaves at the bottom of the lake. And then that funny feeling that you’re getting lighter and lighter until the water can’t hold you down anymore and spits you back up to the air and sky. We bobbed back to the surface, still holding hands.
We floated on our backs and looked at all the stars. You couldn’t begin to count the stars, ever. It was just like being at home in my secret spot. It was just like I’d brought my Sanctuary along to the cottage with me. Except I didn’t have a little star window to look up at. I was looking at all of the heavens. I was looking into infinity.
And suddenly it was like a lightning bolt had struck me. And I knew something really important. My Sanctuary wasn’t like other sanctuaries, like the ones made out of wood and stone in churches. So it didn’t matter if my mother and I moved. I wouldn’t be leaving my Sanctuary behind. My Sanctuary was wherever I was. It would be with me always if I just looked up and looked inside myself.
We swam back to shore, and we climbed up the rock and lay down again. I stretched out my arms and legs as far as they could go, stretching my fingers and toes and reaching all over the rock. Then I rolled over and did the same thing lying on my stomach. I felt like I was part of the rock.
“This rock is a real pain in the ass,” Cassandra said. And we knew she was saying a bad word, so we started to laugh. Then Cassandra said ass again in a louder voice and then we both shouted ass several times into the dark.
“Of course, if we had buttery breasts to lie on, it probably wouldn’t hurt at all,” she said.
Then we were both laughing as hard as we had been crying before. I thought of what Mrs. Fergus would say if she heard us say ass and buttery breasts and I laughed harder still because here in the dark it was wicked and dangerous and wonderful all at the same time. Then I was laughing so hard that I couldn’t help it and I started to pee right there on the rock.
I jumped in the water again to hide the pee and when I got out, I knew the words.
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t belong to someone if you know you belong to all this,” I told Cassandra. “The rock and the water and the stars.” I sat up and looked around. And then it happened. The muse came! “Ashes to ashes and dust to dust. That’s what the minister said at the funeral. I think it means we go back to what we came from. So that must mean we came from the earth and we go back to the earth. So we belong to this. All this earth. So that must mean the earth owns us.”
I held my arms out wide. “You see, you do belong to something, Cassandra. And so do I. And it’s bigger than Doris and Marjorie and Rita. I don’t need my Sanctuary in the backyard anymore because I think Sanctuary is everywhere. If we’re part of all of this, then we can say ‘Home Free!’ wherever we are. Whenever we need to.”
Cassandra didn’t say anything. Then, after a long time, she reached for my hand. “Thank you,” she whispered.
And I felt like I was big enough to hold all the rock and all the water and all the stars inside of me forever.
Chapter 26
(My Last Chapter)
I showed Miss Gowdy my story up to now, and Miss Gowdy says I should stop soon. She says my last chapter was just right and could be my last chapter because it had a strong ending. She says sometimes writers don’t know when to stop and have to be reined in like horses. But I have to write just a bit more.
We left the next day for home, and Cassandra left two weeks later for the next relative. I helped her pack, and I cried a
lot. But Cassandra didn’t cry. She said she was happy to leave Doris and Ray and she would miss me very much, but she knew I’d send her letters. She had been packing without looking at me, but now she suddenly turned and faced me.
“Are you going to be a writer?” she asked.
I started to answer, but she went right on like my mother does when she asks me something but has no intention of letting me say anything.
“Because I’m going to be an actress. When I get to Mary and Peter’s I am going to say I HAVE to have drama lessons. I loved being in your play. I want to be in lots of plays. I want to get up on the stage and have everybody look at me. I want everybody to see me.”
And then Cassandra Jovanovich did a wonderful thing. She looked in the mirror and pulled all of her hair back into a ponytail high up on her head. Then she turned to look at me.
“From now on, people are going to see me. I want the world to see me.”
I jumped up and hugged her.
“Thou art my bosom friend,” I said, “and I love thee with all my heart.”
Cassandra laughed. “Thou art crazy,” she said. And then, wonder of wonders, she gave me her John Lennon hat!
Mary and Peter came that afternoon and I don’t know how I said good-bye. I held on to Cassandra Jovanovich and didn’t think I could ever let go. I couldn’t believe I’d only known Cassandra for a few weeks. I couldn’t remember what it was like before. So I stood there and hugged her and I wished something would happen, like an earthquake, so it wouldn’t be me choosing to let go. Then my mother put her hand on my shoulder and smiled at Cassandra.
“Good luck, dear,” she said.
And then my arms slipped down and my mother was holding me and I watched Cassandra get into the car and close the door. I watched her drive up the street and around the corner and I didn’t move. Doris and Ray went inside and my mother and I stood in the driveway.
Then my mother led me inside and handed me a small package. I opened it and just stared. It was a copy of Anne of Green Gables.
“I don’t understand,” I said.
“It’s yours,” said my mother. “Your own copy to keep.”
I think my mouth fell open. I didn’t think I could ever be shocked like that. I was wrong, because when I went to thank my mother, she said, “Don’t thank me. I found it in your father’s drawer when I was sorting his clothes.”
“Dad?”
She nodded. “Read the front page.”
So I did, and it said “To Leanna. Keep your nose in a book. Love, Daddy.”
“But … when was he going to give it to me?”
My mother shrugged. “He knew you liked it. I guess he bought it and put it away and maybe forgot about it. Or maybe he was keeping it for something special.”
He knew I liked it? How did he know that? He never talked to me about Anne Shirley. He never said anything except … you’ve always got your nose in a book.
Well! This was becoming a very upside down day. And then it got even more upside down. I was beginning to feel like Alice in Wonderland because my mom said, “I read it when I found it. I can see why you like it. That Marilla is quite the character.”
I was speechless!
But the day wasn’t over yet because then my mother said, “Maybe next summer, if we get enough money when I sell the house, we could go on a holiday. I’ve always wanted to go to Prince Edward Island. We could drive and stay at the seaside.”
It was that time-stood-still thing again. One moment you were on one side of reality and the next you were on the other. Prince Edward Island! I could go to Green Gables! I could see the Lake of Shining Waters and Anne’s bedroom and the Haunted Woods and –
My mother was saying something.
“What?”
“Pardon.”
“What?”
My mother sighed. “Leanna. Young ladies say pardon.”
“Pardon?”
“I was saying, we should go shopping soon. You’re in grade six now. You’ll need a brassiere.”
Well!
I screamed and hugged my mother as hard as I could. And then I laughed because my mother sniffed and said, “My goodness, Lee, calm down!” But I couldn’t calm down. I ran to my bedroom and wrote a letter to Cassandra.
I got a letter from Cassandra one week later and she said they are going to let her take drama lessons twice a week. One is a private lesson and one is a group play and she starts in September.
I didn’t think I could be any happier, but then I got to be in the Writing Club. This is how it happened.
Just after school started, my mother and I were at church. It was one of those special services and I had to sit in our pew the whole time. And I hope I don’t get in trouble for saying this, but I didn’t listen to the minister at all. I thought about L.M. Montgomery and I thought about making up stories and I thought about my father and I wondered if I had really been forgiven.
And this time I didn’t fall asleep. This time I made up a poem about my father. I wrote it down as soon as I got home so I wouldn’t forget it. I showed it to Mrs. McMillan the next week at Sunday School and she showed it to our minister. When our minister came to talk to us about my father, he told my mother about my poem. I hadn’t told her, so she was surprised. But then I was surprised because the minister pulled it out of his Bible and read it out loud.
Ode To My Father (Earl Mets)
When all the stars shine bright at night,
I know in my heart thou art gone.
But I remember your smile,
And I remember your laugh,
And I will never forget your song.
Then the minister said he wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t become a writer when I grew up.
So, it was as simple as that. My mother let me be in the Writing Club as soon as it started. And then she said the most amazing thing! She said, “You have to follow your star, Leanna.”
Author’ Afterword
There is just one more thing. (Sorry Miss Gowdy.)
On the last day when we were at the cottage, I hunted around until I found the perfect rock. It wasn’t too big and it was a piece of the Canadian Shield, the oldest rock in the world, and it had a nice hunk of quartz in it. I took the rock and dropped it from high up onto another rock and my rock broke in half, both pieces red and brown and sparkly with veins of quartz. I gave one half to Cassandra.
And in her letter, Cassandra said the rock sits on her desk and she touches it every night when she gets in bed and every morning when she wakes up and when she touches it she says “Home Free.”
My half sat on my dresser until I got Cassandra’s letter so then I moved it to my desk where I write my stories.
I touch it every morning and every night and I say “Home Free” too.
THE END
SHARON JENNINGS is an editor and award-winning author, having written over 60 books for young people. As a girl Sharon enjoyed writing plays, just like Lee. Although, unlike Lee, she always cast herself in the starring role. Sharon lives in Toronto.
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