Our breaths tangled between us and an urgency flooded into my body like I’d never known. Our closeness was painful, it teased me with desire that my heart demanded; but my soul knew would change who I was. I didn’t care. I wanted him, even if it was just for tonight, or the next ten minutes, or for as long as we were in this car.
I reached up and grabbed two handfuls of his shirt, pulling him toward me, wanting him so badly to kiss me. I needed it, needed his hands on me, his skin touching mine.
He lightly moved his cheek down mine, never breaking contact. A touch, soft as silk, yet burning like fire at the same time. The sensation stole my breath, and every thought in my head that wasn’t about him.
His lips moved to the sensitive spot behind my ear making my body pulse with need. He began to trace the very tip of his tongue lightly over my skin. I rolled my head to the side, giving him full access to whatever he wanted. He buried his face in my neck, breathing quickly, and the sound of it made every cell in my body tingle with uncontrollable desire.
“You smell so good.” His voice was strained and louder than it had been. “I need to stop now, or I won’t be able to stop at all.”
“Don’t stop,” I pleaded as I moved even closer to him, pulling his shirt as close to me as I could. The fire in my body continued to build the longer he made me wait.
One quick movement and his hands were on the sides of my face. A small gasp slipped from my mouth, as he leaned in as close as he could without actually touching me.
He used his mouth to touch and nip at the skin around my lips without actually kissing them. The sensations created by his touching my ultra-sensitive skin, caused chaos in my head. I wanted to yell at him for teasing me and slap him for not touching me the way I needed; and push myself as close to him as possible, while demanding things from him that I’d never done with anyone. My body was in complete control and it was ready for more.
He quickly pulled his hands away and put them back on the steering wheel. I froze while my body continued to scream for him, but my head knew exactly what was happening. He was changing his mind.
“I can’t do this Jenna. I’m sorry. I ... just need to think some things through – clear my head.”
I sat there stunned, trying to calm my breathing, as I suddenly felt like I was hyperventilating. When his eyes turned back toward me, I wasted no time grabbing for my bag.
“Of course. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have ...” I reached for the door handle.
He grabbed my arm. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m the asshole. I just, I just don’t know what to do with all these emotions. You are so beautiful and I just got carried away.” His eyes were pleading with me to understand but I couldn’t get out of that car fast enough. There was no way I was going to sit through the ‘sorry, not the right time in my life to go slumming’ conversation with him.
“It’s no big deal. I’ll see you ... sometime.” I jumped from the car and tried to hold myself back from sprinting up the front steps. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I heard him yell my name.
Just keep going. And this time, I listened to myself.
>CHAPTER ELEVEN<
“He did what?” Katie said, dropping onto the couch next to me, her eyes bugging out of her head.
I covered my face with my hands, shaking my head back and forth. When I’d gotten back to our room, I started with tears but quickly changed over to intense embarrassment, followed by inappropriate laughing. Lifting the pillow from my lap, I smashed it against my face and wondered if self-induced smothering was a viable option out of this situation.
“I know,” I said through the pillow, “just kill me now! If you are my friend you will make sure I never have to face him again.”
We both giggled nervously. “I can’t believe he is such an ass.” She said.
I lowered the pillow and took a deep breath. “But he isn’t. He was kind and respectful. I was the slut that was grabbing on to him and breathing like a maniac!” I hit myself in the face with the pillow, over and over.
“Please. Kill. Me. Now.” My stomach tightened and my heart beat wildly while another wave of embarrassment flooded my body. I shuddered.
“Okay, it’s really not that bad.” She grabbed the pillow from my hands and threw it across the room. “We just need to figure out how you’re going to handle seeing him next time.”
“Oh, no! There’s not going to be a next time. Call my mom and tell her I’m coming home!” I jumped from the couch and started pacing. I just couldn’t sit still while my mind flooded with the memory of what had happened in that car.
“Very funny,” she said.
“Not kidding.”
Katie took a deep breath, crossed the room and put a hand on each of my shoulders.
“Listen to me. We have to decide what ‘Jenna’ you’re going to be the next time you see him.”
I looked at her expectantly, waiting for her to talk sense. She smiled. It made me nervous.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
She released me and walked across the room. “Well, you have a couple choices. You could be ‘I have no idea what happened Jenna’. You’d just skip right over it and act like nothing happened after the library tonight. Like he just dropped you off, you said goodbye and left.
“Really?” I hoped she could tell by my sarcastic tone, exactly what I thought about that idea. She started pacing again.
“Okay, you could be the ‘screw you Jenna’. Give him the cold shoulder until he comes crawling back, begging you to forgive him.”
“He’s Cale Davis, I don’t think he crawls back to anyone.”
“Right, well how about the ‘I’m sorry I let it go that far Jenna’. Take all the blame. Tell him you know how hot you are and it isn’t his fault that he couldn’t keep his hands off you.”
“Oh my God! You’re killing me. Those are all terrible ideas!” I laughed as I grabbed my shower bag, some pajamas and a robe. She followed me around the room.
I continued, “If you remember, he had no problem keeping his hands off me. It was this girl, right here, that was ready to take him on, in the car, in front of the towers!” I closed my eyes to shake the vision of my humiliation from my head, but it stuck – like gum on the bottom of your shoe.
“I’ve got it! How about the, ‘I’m so sorry I’m a sex-starved virgin, Jenna’. The next time you see him, just jump him and tell him he isn’t getting away so easy this time!” I turned and swung my bag in her direction.
She laughed and jumped out of the way just in time.
“Stay away from me. You are not helping,” I laughed.
She threw herself onto the couch laughing. “It’ll be fine. This stuff happens. He’s probably just as embarrassed as you are.”
“I doubt that,” I whispered as I opened the door and headed toward the shower room.
The place was empty and the quiet was nice. I missed rush hour by thirty minutes but I was willing to sacrifice hot water for a little privacy. My toothpaste globbed out onto my toothbrush, I started brushing. Auto pilot kicked in, as I reached for my face wash. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, my mind floated back to what happened in the car. The sound of his breathing, the touch of his skin on mine, his voice saying he couldn’t; when my treacherous body was clearly telling him he could. I ran my fingers over the edge of my lip – remembering and trying to forget all at the same time.
I stepped into the shower and let the semi-warm water run over my head. Clearing all thoughts, I started to relax. Katie was right. This stuff happened all the time. Never to me, and I doubted ever to her, because who would turn her down, but it happened to other people. And that was the problem. It wasn’t supposed to be happening to me. I wasn’t the girl that was going to end up with someone like Cale. Both Cale and I knew that.
He needed, no, he deserved, someone like himself… someone perfect. Not someone who was the opposite of perfect.
In no way would I fit into his world, I wouldn�
�t even begin to know how. I had agreed to be sponsored and I needed to get it through my head that it ended there. He didn’t want anything else from me anyway. That was pretty obvious tonight.
I dried myself off as my mind continued to work, putting walls back up, nice and strong and where they belonged. The next time I saw Cale, I would be nice and friendly, but I would keep it under control. No more kissing, no more touching, just friends. It was better that way. It would protect his reputation, and my heart.
The cool air hit my body and I shivered while quickly pulling on my yoga pants and tank top. My pink, fluffy robe helped ward off the cold and I tied it tightly. I wrapped my long hair in a towel and gathered all of my things. The hallway was even colder as I rushed toward my room, wishing I'd grabbed some socks.
“Oh my gosh, it’s freezing,” I said in a strained voice as I opened the door to my room. My heart dropped into my stomach and my words froze in my throat. Cale turned around and our eyes locked. For a split second I considered running. No good, he had already seen me.
Katie slowly started to make her way to the door. “I’m going to ... I mean, I have to go …” When she realized neither of us were listening, she slid past me and shut the door behind her.
Cale’s eyes slowly trailed down from my face to my robe and a small smirk stretched across his lips. Realizing what I looked like, I reached up and pulled the towel from my wet hair, allowing it to escape as I started to comb through it with my fingers.
“Hey, what’s up?" I asked as I walked past him and grabbed my hair brush. What Jenna had I decided on? I couldn’t even remember the options. What was it about this guy that reduced me to a hot mess without the ability to form a proper thought?
The last Jenna I wanted to be was weak and soft, or worse yet – stupid and mute. Those were the only two options I was able to come up with at the moment.
“I came to apologize for my behavior in the car.” An awkward silence followed and I knew it was crunch time. I had to decide now. I prepared myself to pretend to act anything but embarrassed about what had happened. Whatever Jenna decided to come out, she had to act like she had things under control.
But when I looked at him again, I noticed something I hadn’t before.
He stood with his hands low on his hips, his shoulders slightly hunched over and he shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He was just as embarrassed as I was, and not only that, but he was nervous.
Once again, I had a little bit of control over Cale Davis, and I liked it. He had said it in the car – he needed me to know the power I had. I cleared my throat and set my eyes on his face.
“Listen Cale, neither of us really knows where this is going or where we want it to go.” That was a total lie. I knew exactly where I wanted it to end up and I had started it in that damn car.
“Let’s just give each other a pass for what happened, okay?”
“A pass?” He looked at me, questioning my words.
“Yes, like it never happened. You act like you didn’t just cross some invisible line that you have drawn and I will act like I was not completely willing to let you cross it.”
He let out a small laugh and I smiled at him. He walked over to me and pulled me into a tight hug.
This was totally counter-productive to my whole idea of keeping my distance. I would worry about that later. I took a deep breath and let him hold me. I didn’t want to admit what this boy was doing to me. Warmth started in my chest and it wasn’t just because his arms were around me. I was starting to have feelings for him, real feelings.
“Okay, I’ll take a pass,” he whispered.
My heart dropped, even though I had offered it; there had been a little part of me that was hoping he had come here to finish what we had started. He dropped his arms and picked up a bag from the couch. “This might not be the right time, but I really want you to have this tonight. I hope you like it.” He pushed the bag at me. “Come on. It’s just a little something that you need.”
I reached inside the bag and pulled out a new cell phone, still in the box. I couldn’t contain my excitement. I had never had one before.
“Oh my gosh, Cale. This is amazing. I don’t even know how to use this thing,” I said as I ripped into the packaging and pulled it out. I flipped it around in my hand, trying to figure out how to turn it on.
“You are a smart girl and the directions are in the bag.”
“Thank you. I feel like I shouldn’t take this from you, but I’m going to anyway!” I laughed as I hugged the phone to my chest.
“Since you agreed to be sponsored, this is the first thing I felt like you needed. I have to be able to get a hold of you.”
“You do?”
“Yes. There are things we’re going to have to be in contact about. First things first, my dad is coming into town in a few weeks and he’s going to want to meet you.”
“What? Oh no. What if he hates me?”
“Are you kidding? He will love you.”
I could feel a tornado of out of control emotions twisting inside me, as he rubbed his hands softly up and down my arms. The contrast of the two was overpowering rational thoughts.
“You are going to be fine. I’ve already told him about you. He’s very excited to meet you.”
“He is?”
“Yes. Now, do you have any dresses?”
The question took me off guard. I shook my head.
“We’ll have to get you a nice dress before he gets here. Oh, and some heels, he likes heels.”
I just continued to stare at him. I would have to get a nice dress? I guess my clothes were probably not nice enough to meet someone like Cale’s dad. I didn’t mind wearing dresses – I just never had a reason to wear one.
“I’ve got to get back to the house, we have a rules meeting with some of the younger brothers tonight. I will text you later.” He tapped my nose with his finger and it made me smile.
“You look scared. It’s just my dad, Jenna. I know it’s weird but he thinks girls should look a certain way, conservative, I guess. I just want you to be as comfortable as possible and not have to worry about anything. So let me take care of the little things okay?”
“Okay.” For some reason it came out as a whisper.
He headed toward the door, stopping just as he cracked it open. “You should call your mom and let her know about all of this. She is waiting to talk to you.” Flashing a beautiful smile at me, he slipped out the door.
Seconds later the door flew open and Katie came running in. I couldn’t move. I stood staring at her. She covered her mouth with one hand while pointing at the cell phone with the other. I could see the smile forming as she dropped her hand.
“Everyone wants that phone. I didn’t even know you could buy them yet!” She squeaked before running over to me. She picked up my hand that was holding the phone. Her face looked like I had just won the lottery.
She shook her head as she snorted out a loud Katie laugh. “I don’t know what Jenna you decided to pull out, but well played, my friend, well played.” She patted me on the back as she fell onto the couch. “Come and tell me all about it.”
“I need to call my mom first. I think I need to talk to her about everything that’s going on. I stared at my new phone, flipping it over a couple times, before looking back at my roommate. “Can you help me turn this on?”
>CHAPTER TWELVE<
I walked into the hallway trying to figure out how to explain all of this. Since I was confused by most of it, I had no idea how to begin to explain it to my mom. My stomach knotted into a ball and I rubbed my temples, trying to ward off the pain this kind of stress always brought on.
Tension rolled through my body. I needed privacy, somewhere I could sort through everything that had happened. But where do you go for privacy in a tower full of girls? The stairwell was the only place to go.
I pushed through the door harder than I meant to. It swung open hard, slowly clicking shut behind me. Silence took over. My reflection sta
red back at me from the panes of glass that lined the stairwell, the outline of the city behind her.
I stared back, unflinching, unable to look away. Where was the girl that came to this school only a month ago? I looked at myself but nothing seemed familiar.
“Why me?” I wondered out loud, “Why would he want me?” I was nothing.
Without thought, I sprinted up the stairs. I wasn’t sure what I was running from, but it was real and terrifying. I somehow knew I could never outrun it – even though I tried. Every time I looked at my reflection, it would be there.
My robe flowed out behind me as I ran, sometimes taking two steps at a time. I frantically looked over my shoulder, as I fought off the feeling that something was right behind me – leaning heavily onto my back – breathing down my neck.
Every cold metal step my bare feet pushed off, sent painful sensations surging through my legs. I gripped the railing, pulling myself upward with all of my upper body strength as I commanded myself to keep going, keep fighting, keep running. Run from your insecurities, run from the negative thoughts, run until exhaustion takes over.
I climbed until the burning in my lungs was too much to ignore. I stopped, letting the silent tears flow down my cheeks. My arms hung at my sides like heavy weights, my legs shook – Warning me they no longer could hold my weight. I collapsed onto the steps, resolved to the fact … fear had won again.
The cold metal railings were perfect to press my sweaty forehead against. Rapid breaths echoed up and down the empty stairwell and my feet throbbed, trying to regain normal circulation after the unfamiliar surge of exercise. I swallowed against the burning in my throat.
Although the sky had already begun to darken, a storm threatened with a looming black cloud in the distance. I watched as it hung, lingering, just waiting for its chance to move over the city and unleash devastation.
The lights of the city began to pop up across the skyline like fireflies. I wondered how just a few sparkling lights could make the impending darkness seem less frightening. The storm would still happen, but the lights would make sure it wasn’t all-consuming.
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