Chasing Jenna

by Micki Fredricks

  My body reacted to him with instant desire. He leaned in close enough that our lips could almost touch. His look was desperate and needy. I could feel his heart beating against my chest. I ran my fingernails softly up his back, making him pull me even closer.

  “I’m going to kiss you now.” His voice was low and raspy. “I know there are a million reasons why I shouldn’t, but I don’t care. I’m going to kiss you like you’re mine, like you belong to me. Are you ready, Jenna?”

  His eyes stayed on mine until the very last second. I closed my eyes when the delicate touch of his lips joined with mine. Every wall inside of me shattered for him. His lips moved slowly at first and then with more need. I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to get him even closer. His tongue teased my lips and I instantly opened up for him. He groaned as he grabbed both sides of my face and kissed me even more deeply, claiming every bit of me. Ryan was the healing that I had desperately searched for my entire life. He was my acceptance, my shelter from the fear. Everything else was lost to me but him. It was suddenly so clear; he was all I wanted, all I needed. It had always been him.

  His kisses began to lighten so I tightened my grip, afraid to let go. His weight lessened against me, and my heart began to panic. He stepped back, putting some distance between us. I was breathless and broken without his touch.

  “If you were mine, that’s how you’d feel all the time–safe, wanted, loved…” He reached out and ran his fingers down my cheek, “... perfect the way you are.”

  He backed away from me, “But we can’t do this anymore, I mean … I can’t do it.”

  He ran his hand over his mouth and I felt a tear escape. He was wiping away the feeling of my lips on his. It was too much for him, I could tell. This had been a mistake for him.

  He turned away from me and crouched down to grab his bag. He stayed there, with his head hung down. As he stood, I moved away from the door and my fingers touched his back. He stiffened at my already unwelcomed touch.

  “Wait.” I pleaded. “Can we talk about this? I need you … I need us.”

  His shoulders rose and fell slowly and then he turned toward me. “No. There can’t be an ‘us' Jen.”

  I took a small step back, my heart trembled in my chest, my head racing back to just minutes ago.

  “But, why?”

  “Because, you’re already his.” His eyes fell to the ground as he stepped around me and toward the door.

  “No, no I’m not.” I grabbed his arm as he passed. He looked down at me. “I’m not.” I reassured him.

  He gently moved a strand of hair from my face. “Yes you are. From the moment you said yes to sponsoring, you became his.” He leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead. It felt final and my world tilted.

  “No, I won’t let you leave.” I ran around him and stood in front of the door. “Not after …”I whispered as my fingertips touched my lips.

  He watched me, his eyes sad. “You have to let go of me.”

  I stood my ground, shaking my head.

  “Jenna, stop it. Don’t you think this is hard enough for me?” He spread his arms out wide. “I can’t give you what he can right now.”

  “What are you talking about? I don’t care about all that. I don’t care about him like that.”

  “The fuck you don’t! Now, I know you’re lying.” He shook his head and spoke through gritted teeth. “I see the way you look at him, everyone sees it.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He placed his hands on his hips and looked down. “Would you leave him, Jen? Would you walk away from Cale Davis to be with me? We’d have to leave school; you would have to give up your scholarships. I’d have to leave The Brotherhood. That means no money. No trust fund – just me and you.”

  I let his words hang in the air while dread rose inside of me. I ran my hands over my eyes. He would have to leave The Brotherhood. The only thing he ever wanted to do. The thing he and his brother had talked about doing together since they were boys. Traditions he had been raised to be part of – that he needed to be part of.

  The money meant nothing to me. I’d lived my entire life with nothing. But Ryan – his life had been different than mine. My mind locked into a heated battle with my heart and soul. Yes, without a doubt, I would leave everything for him. But what I wouldn’t do is take everything from him.

  “I’m ready; just say the words right now and I will leave everything. I’ve thought this through since the moment I met you. I didn’t plan on doing this tonight, but now I have to know because that kiss killed me, Jen. You just stole my fucking heart, so tell the truth. I think you are his,” he reached his hand out to me, “prove me wrong. Tell me one more time that you belong to me and I’ll take you away from all of this tonight.”

  My mouth fell open and I stared at his hand and then back at him. He was breathing like he had just run a marathon and his eyes snapped with some emotion I had never seen from him before. I tried to speak but the words stuck in my throat. I knew what this looked like to him, but it had to be this way. He needed to believe me.

  He began to shake his head before dropping his hand slowly. “I’ll never be Cale. I’ll never be good enough.” He stepped around me, but stopped and took something out of his back pocket. He walked over and laid it down on my desk. Staring at it, he tapped his finger on the envelope several times, before he spoke. “Cale asked me to give this to you. I would have never thought this of you before tonight, but now – I think this will ease your guilt of what just happened between us.”

  He paused at the door, and I thought he was going to turn around, but he pulled the door open and said “Good bye, Jenna.” as he walked out.

  My body began to shake as his words echoed in my head. My future started to become clear. And nowhere in that future was Ryan Kitson.

  My emotions were in protection mode – I was numb. I felt nothing at all – so when I picked up the envelope and read the words printed on the paper – nothing changed inside of me. No emotion at all. I watched as if this was all happening to someone else. As the paper fell from my trembling fingers onto the floor, I read the bright red letters stamped on it one more time … Tuition: PAID IN FULL.

  >CHAPTER FIFTEEN<

  The heavy beat of the Dubstep music could be heard from down the block. Katie twirled around in front of me, dancing on the sidewalk.

  “This is going to be so much fun. I can’t wait to get inside and dance.” She threw her arms in the air and twirled. I shook my head at her, like she was being silly, but truthfully I was just as excited. I had never been in a club. She was right; it was going to be a blast. I wasn’t so sure about dancing in the high heeled, brown, suede boots she demanded I wear though. I pulled at the bottom hem of the form fitting, nude-colored mini dress she said the boots matched perfectly with. Katie bought this dress for me on one of our many outings to find appropriate dresses to meet Cale’s dad. Although we had both agreed that this was definitely NOT appropriate for that, it was exactly what I wanted to wear for a night like this. My long hair was in a loose braid and lay over one shoulder.

  “Stop fussing, Jen, you look frickin’ amazing!”

  I’d spent a couple hours feeling sorry for myself after Ryan had left. The numbness helped; as dysfunctional of a coping skill as it was¸ there were times it came in handy. The thought of not having him in my life was excruciating, but the idea of him leaving everything behind for me was even more painful. So I shut it all down.

  When Katie had returned, I filled her in on most of what had happened. We sat on the couch and ate chocolate. I cried, she talked, “Boys are stupid, well except Marcus. You don’t owe those two anything and if Cale is too stupid to see what he is missing out on and Ryan too big of an idiot to fight for you, they don’t deserve you. We’re going out!”

  We stood in front of Midnight, the hottest club in town according to Katie. She dug around in her purse to find her phone. Cale had sent me a text earlier asking what I was doing tonight. I
sent him a quick text back,

  “I need some time and space, please give it to me. I am fine, I will be with Katie.”

  As soon as I’d hit send, I turned it off and threw it in my drawer. I wanted to be me tonight, with no one wondering where I was or what I was doing. I didn’t want the watching eyes to make sure I was representing someone well or behaving appropriately. I had one goal tonight – have fun.

  It only took Marcus a few minutes to appear at the door. A quick word to the door man and we were ushered into the club.

  Our first few steps were in total darkness. I grabbed for Katie and she took my hand. Suddenly the music stopped, everything was quiet … then, all at the same time, the beat dropped and people went crazy. Lights from all over the club shot straight onto the dance floor, lighting up wall to wall people. The whole building shook as the lights began their elaborate show. People jumped to the beat and threw their hands around, as lasers and spinning lights of color quickly touched every area in the club, but for only seconds at a time. I moved my head to the beat as I danced behind Katie and Marcus on our way to the dance floor.

  We stopped and I continued to dance in place. There were so many people, I really couldn’t see farther than Katie in front of me. Marcus handed me a shot glass with something red in it. I tried to ask him what it was, but he just smiled and motioned for me to drink. I put the drink to my lips and tilted my head back. The strong taste of alcohol hit first, making me cringe, but it was quickly followed by a fruity aftertaste. He and Katie both stared at me, waiting to see how I reacted. I handed the glass back, smiled and mouthed, “More please.” They both cheered and Marcus turned back and motioned toward the bartender.

  We took two more shots before starting back toward the dance floor. My entire body was warm. I could feel the alcohol working through my system, helped along by the spinning lights.

  Marcus easily found us a spot on the crowded floor. It looked like people parted to let him through as he walked. I must’ve been drunk already. I really didn’t care how we got out there, only that we were here.

  At first, the people surrounding me made me nervous. My eyes darted around me, trying to see who was next to us. Every time someone would bump me, I would turn and look, trying to move out of their way.

  “You have to relax or this will be miserable for you,” Katie yelled into my ear. I stopped and looked around slowly. The music continued its beat as the sea of people melted together. People seamlessly moved from one to another, their bodies moving to the music without caring about anything else. It was then I realized that I was just another person. No extra attention was being given to me, no one needing me to be anything other than what I was.

  So I let go … really let go for the first time in my life.

  I closed my eyes and swayed my hips, raising my hands in the air and letting the music dictate my moves. It began with small bumps, then finger tips, then hands on my body. I danced with whoever was around me … girls, boys, singles, groups, I didn’t care. The music had taken over my body and the alcohol my mind. I had no inhibitions – I was free.

  I faintly heard my name being called but didn’t open my eyes until I felt a tug on my dress. Katie pointed toward the bar, “Want to get a drink?”

  I nodded my head and grabbed her hand as she led me to the edge of dance floor. “This is the most fun I’ve ever had.”

  She smiled at me over her shoulder, “You’re an amazing dancer. Everyone was trying to dance with you.” She shot me a huge smile. I was suddenly embarrassed. It must have flashed on my face because she laughed and said, “Oh stop it, you looked beautiful.” The smile returned to my face.

  Marcus led us in front of the booths that lined the dance floor on our way to the bar. He stopped suddenly and leaned down toward someone that was sitting in a booth. Katie turned back toward me and hugged me tight. We stood there swaying to the music as we watched everyone dancing. I heard Marcus’s voice above the music, “Don’t be a dickhead.” I looked over my shoulder as Katie grabbed my hand and pulled me along.

  Ryan was in the booth with a bunch of people I didn’t know. He glared at his brother as we walked by. I stopped, but when his eyes met mine – I knew I wanted to keep going. Katie tugged on my hand and I followed. Before we could get past, I heard him. “Jenna. Jenna.” I stopped. Katie gave me a pleading look and shook her head no. I turned toward him.

  He had one hand wrapped around a beer bottle on the table, the other was draped over the back of the booth. He picked up his beer bottle and used it to point at me. “You look beautiful.”

  By the tone of his voice, it wasn’t a compliment. I just stared at him. He took a drink from his bottle then pointed it toward the dance floor. “Sure seemed like you enjoyed the way everyone was touching you out there.” He flashed a cocky smile. “Did you? Do you like having a bunch of strangers fondling you like that?” The other guys at his table started laughing at his comment. But he was not laughing, his eyes locked onto mine. This wasn’t the Ryan I knew. His eyes flashed with some sort of emotion that made me uncomfortable. He was drunk. I had seen that look in men’s eyes my whole life, but there was more to it than that.

  “Shut the fuck up, Ryan,” Marcus yelled from behind me. Ryan didn’t acknowledge him at all, keeping his eyes on me. Katie pulled on my hand, “Let’s go.” I stood my ground.

  “Everyone is dancing like that.” I said.

  He just nodded his head slowly at me while he took another drink from his bottle, his eyes never leaving mine.

  From my side vision, I saw her walking up, but didn’t realize who it was until she slid in under Ryan’s arm. She turned slightly toward me, set her drink on the table, and then looked at me from head to toe with a disgusted look. She turned back to him and whispered something in his ear–he smiled. “Dana, aren’t you going to say hello to my brother and his friends.” My gut twisted.

  “I don’t think so.” She leaned into him and kissed the side of his mouth. He turned toward her, giving her his full attention. She attacked his mouth and he reciprocated. I stood there, unable to turn away. I could feel the anger burning inside of me. My heart felt like it was crumbling. Once they were done, he reached out and smoothed a piece of her hair out of her face, just as he had done only hours earlier…to me. She turned to me as he hung his arm over her shoulder and pulled her closer, burying his nose in her long brown hair. She smirked at me. “I’m sorry Jenna, it’s just … girls like me don’t associate with girls like you.”

  Katie pulled on my arm, “Let’s go.” I shrugged her hand off.

  “Yes, you really should move on, Jenna.” He motioned in the direction of Katie. “I clearly have,” he said as he tightened his hold on Dana. I heard Katie gasp behind me. I ignored him, focusing on Dana.

  “And exactly what kind of girl do you think I am?”

  Obviously irritated, she turned toward me and crossed her arms in front of her. “One who happened upon a nice guy like Cale Davis, and for whatever reason, he took pity on you. And now you think you have the right to spend time with people like us.” She motioned around the booth to the other people. “You are nothing but a charity case and when Cale is done with you, you’ll go back to whatever trailer park you came from and he will come back to us, looking for someone who is actually worthy of him.” Ryan leaned back against the booth, she leaned closer into him and with a flick of her hand said, “That’s all, you can go now.”

  I grabbed her fruity drink from the table and threw it at both of them. She shrieked and made a pathetic attempt to block her face as the liquor hit her. My other hand slid across the table toward them, clearing it of every beer bottle that had been sitting there. Ryan’s arms flew up in the air and he almost tipped the table as he tried to escape the beer that ran across the tabletop toward him.

  “What the hell ...” he yelled, but didn’t get to finish what he was going to say, because he had to duck as I threw the empty glass that was still in my hand. The glass shattered as it hit the w
all behind him and he cursed again. Everyone scattered away from the booth as I picked up a napkin and threw it in Dana’s direction.

  “You don’t get to dismiss me like that, you bitch.” I screamed. Ryan just stared at me, eyes wide with shock.

  I smirked at him, “I guess you’re right, asshole. Nothing can control all of this craziness.”

  Strong hands grabbed each of my arms and I tried to struggle against them. Cale’s voice was forceful and pissed. “I think you’ve drawn enough attention for one night, let’s go.” He pushed me through the crowd, making our way to the door. People stared as we walked past but I kept my eyes on the floor.

  The cold air hit my body as soon as we got to the parking lot and I shivered. He took off his jacket, put it around my shoulders and took hold of my hand. He walked in front of me – leading me to his car. I looked back, Marcus and Katie stood in the doorway. Katie flashed me a helpless look and I gave her a little wave.

  The car was already running. He opened the car door for me, but looked over my head, saying nothing as I slowly climbed in. He hesitated outside of the car, one hand leaning against the roof, while staring off at nothing. After what felt like an eternity, he pushed himself off the car and walked around to the driver’s side. He slid into his seat, inhaling deeply as he did.

  The silence was heavy. A million things ran through my head. I needed to break the tension – it was killing me. I started simple.

  “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.” My voice was small, like a child’s.

  He pulled his lips into a tight line, but then turned away from me, looking out his side window.

  I sat in my seat, staring at my folded hands in my lap. I spoke one more time, “I understand if you don’t want to sponsor me anymore.”

  He shook his head and shifted in his seat toward me. “Jenna, that’s not it at all. You didn’t embarrass me, you embarrassed yourself. I care too much about you to let you do that. I don’t care what any of those people think of me. But you do, and that’s what worries me.”