“I don’t know,” Charm says helplessly. Her clothes are still wet and wrinkled, her face pale with worry. To Claire she seems just as devastated as she and Jonathan are, and right then Claire knows she would never deliberately hurt Joshua. Still, she feels a twist of anger at the lies, the deception, Charm has shown.
“Please, just leave,” Claire says. “I’m sorry. We can’t have you here right now.” Charm nods silently and turns to go.
It seems like years, waiting for word on Joshua’s condition. When the doctor finally comes into the waiting area, the room feels airless.
“Joshua is going to be just fine,” she says with a smile. “He’s awake and he’s breathing on his own. Would you like to go and see him?”
“Of course,” Claire says, beginning to cry again, this time with relief. The doctor leads Jonathan and Claire to the room where Joshua lies. He is hooked up to an IV and his eyes are half-open, but when he sees his parents a smile creases his wan face.
“Hey, it’s our three-tailed badger,” Jonathan says, his voice cracking.
“No, I’m Joshua Kelby,” he answers weakly.
“Yes, you are,” Claire tells him firmly. You are the wish that we make every morning when we wake up and the prayer we say before we go to bed each night, she says to herself, and reaches out for his small hand.
Brynn
Just one last thing to do and then I can rest.
I need to go to her, need to let her know that he is coming. I push out the door, into the dark and feel the cool air on my face and on my wet skin. “Over the river and through the woods…” I hum, barely noticing the curious looks I get as I walk down the street. I must be quite the sight and I giggle at the thought. It’s not far now. I know it’s not the exact spot I left the little girl, but it’s close enough. It will have to be. In the distance I hear a siren and wonder if they’re coming for me. It’s about time. I walk a little faster. They should have come for me five years ago. I wanted to tell them but Allison said, No, keep your mouth shut. And I tried to, but every time I closed my eyes I saw her being swept away, heard her cries until I couldn’t stand it anymore. After that man found her cold little body, I called the police. I wanted to tell them it was me, me, me. But when they finally drove up all I could do was cry and Allison told me to shut up, shut up, shut up. So I did. And they took her away.
For a long time I was so sorry, knowing it was my fault that she was in that jail and I was sitting at home, going to school, living my life. But I figured it out, it didn’t take long. It was like when we were little and there was one piece of cake left. Allison always took the side with the flowers and I was left with just the white frosting. She had done it again, took the side with the flowers. She got to leave; she got to go away even if it was to go to jail, and I had to stay. They started looking at me then, and they wanted me to be like her. When I wasn’t, they stopped looking. Which was worse. So then I wasn’t so sorry anymore.
You can hear the Druid before you see it. It runs southward through the center of town, through the countryside right behind our house. It winds and twists until it runs into the Mississippi and then it’s like it never was, like it just disappears into nothing. Magically. The river in this part of town usually smells like dead fish and the gasoline from motorboats, but the rain has washed that all away and the air is fresh and clean. I stand at the edge of the paved walkway, high above the black water. Druid means sorcerer. Magic.
I’m scared, so scared, and I look around for Allison. I want my sister. Someone touches my arm, “Are you okay?” I hear.
“I want my sister,” I say, and start to cry. “He needs his sister. I need to tell her he’s coming.”
“Can I call someone for you?” the voice says.
“No, no, no, no,” I say. “I need to tell her.”
When I step off the edge I feel a scrambling panic. I hit the cold water and it fills my ears, my nose, my mouth. I try to cry out for my sister, but my words become bubbles and rise to the surface silently. When I stop thrashing, stop struggling, I see her. So perfect, so tiny, just like I remembered her. “He’s coming,” I tell her, reaching my hands out to hers. “He’ll be here soon.” And as I cradle her in my arms we sink, slowly, peacefully, to the river’s bottom, to wait.
Charm
Charm sells the house and takes some of the money that Gus left to her after he died and decides to buy a more reliable car. After that terrible night she knows she has to leave Linden Falls. Still, it’s taken Charm eight months to actually pack up and drive away.
The thought of saying goodbye to Joshua is terrible. Charm thought it was hard the first time. The second time will be worse. This time she knows she is not coming back. Ever.
The day before she leaves, Charm calls Claire and asks if she can stop by the store to say her goodbyes. Thankfully, she says yes. When Charm arrives, Joshua is running around the store trying to get Truman to chase him. When he sees Charm, he stops and looks at her thoughtfully.
“You breathed into me,” he says seriously.
Charm bites her lip, not quite knowing how to respond.
“Josh, buddy,” Claire says, “Charm is just stopping in to say goodbye. We’re leaving in a few days.”
Joshua thinks about this. “We’re going to stay with my grandma in—”
“Josh,” Claire warns. “Remember, it’s a secret. We’re going to surprise Grandma.”
“I hope you have a lot of fun with your grandma, Joshua,” Charm tells him, forcing back her tears. With sadness, Charm realizes that Claire doesn’t want her to know where they are going. “I just wanted to make sure I said goodbye to you before you left. I’ll miss you, Josh.” Charm kneels down to his eye level and reaches out to hug him, noticing Claire stiffen next to her. Still, Charm wraps her arms around Joshua and hugs him tightly, trying to imprint the feeling of his soft hair on her cheek, the knobby bones of his spine under her fingertips. Joshua hugs Charm back, hard.
“I’ve got something for you, Joshua,” Charm tells him, pulling away from him reluctantly. Charm looks up at Claire to make sure it’s okay to give him something. She looks unsure, but nods.
“What? What is it?” he asks excitedly. Charm stands, wipes her eyes and hands him the gift bag.
He all but rips it from her hands and Claire reminds him gently, “What do you say, Josh?”
“Thank you,” he says absentmindedly. He reaches in among the bright green tissue paper and pulls out the Chicago Cubs baseball cap that Gus bought for him when he was first born, the one that Charm kept hidden in a shoe box for five years, along with the incriminating photo of her with Joshua, the tiny booties and the rattle.
The hat Gus said he would grow into one day.
“Oh, a baseball cap!” Joshua says, impressed. “It’s just like the one that Luke has, but better.” He places the cap on his head and the bill covers his eyes.
“It’s a great cap,” Claire agrees.
“Yeah, we gotta recruit those Cub fans early,” Charm says, echoing the phrase that Gus always said, smiling through her tears.
“I’m going to go look in the mirror,” Joshua declares, running off to the bathroom.
“That was really nice,” Claire says seriously. “You’ve been good for Joshua, Charm. You would be…you’ve been a wonderful aunt.” Claire hesitates. “I hope you understand why we can’t encourage a relationship between you two. It would be too confusing for Joshua. And then there’s your brother.”
“My brother will never, ever try to begin a relationship with Joshua or try to take him from you,” Charm tells her vehemently. “Christopher doesn’t need any more problems. My mother—” she sighs “—is my mother. She won’t try to get to Joshua. She likes to stir things up and leave.”
“I know that you’ve only wanted what’s best for Joshua, Charm. You saved his life, and I’m grateful for that.”
Charm shrugs, not knowing how to respond. “This is for you,” Charm finally says, handing her the large envelo
pe she brought with her.
“What’s this?” Claire asks.
“Medical histories. Allison and I gathered all the information we could about our families,” Charm explains. “It’s all in there. There are pictures of Allison and Christopher, Gus and me, the grandparents,” Charm says. Seeing Claire’s face, she adds, “If you ever think he should see them, I mean. Allison and I will never, ever contact Joshua. We promise. We want him to be happy and safe, and he is, as long as he’s with you and Jonathan.” Charm feels tears prickling at her eyes and knows it’s time for her to go.
She moves toward the door, willing herself not to look back.
“Charm,” Claire calls after her, and Charm turns, hopefully, expectantly. Joshua’s hat is sitting crookedly on his head and he has his arms wrapped around his mother’s waist. He looks so happy. “Thank you,” she says, her tear-filled eyes meeting Charm’s. “Thank you for my son.”
Allison
For a while, I was terrified that everyone would think that I had something to do with Brynn trying to drown Joshua, like it was some kind of big conspiracy. The police talked to me for hours, shook their heads at my insistence that I had nothing to do with the drowning, tried to get me to admit to something, anything. But in the end, Devin came to the rescue again. She was able to get Brynn’s medical records and the notes from her visits with her psychiatrist that she was seeing in New Amery. In her sessions with her doctor, Brynn talked extensively about the guilt she felt for thinking the baby girl was already dead when she went to the river. My grandmother also found Brynn’s journals, the drawings that documented the night I gave birth to the twins. Brynn had sketched picture after picture of the Druid River sweeping the baby away. One disturbing drawing showed a lifeless Brynn at river’s bottom holding two infants, one male, one female, umbilical cords connected to one placenta.
So in the end I’ve been exonerated and my record will be expunged, my file sealed. I can leave Linden Falls anytime now, if I want to. I could move to a small town like Wellman where no one would have heard of me or to a bigger city like Des Moines where no one would care. I can leave the state or leave the country. It’s up to me and me alone.
My mother asked me if I would identify Brynn’s body. My father was still in the hospital and she just couldn’t do it. I agreed. It was the least I could do for Brynn. I was the one who brought Brynn back to Linden Falls, made her face the little boy whose sister she accidentally drowned. I was the one who couldn’t save her. Poor, fragile Brynn, who only wanted to be with her animals. I may have not known what she was going to do to Joshua, but I was the catalyst.
I identified her on a video screen; I wasn’t even in the same room with her. She was lying on a metal table covered with a sheet and a woman pulled back the cover from her face. Immediately, I knew it was Brynn. Except for her pale skin and blue lips, she looked like she was sleeping. “That’s my sister,” I said.
Brynn’s funeral was small and very sad. I sat between my parents and my grandmother, but it was my grandmother’s hand I reached for when Brynn’s casket was lowered into the ground. In the small crowd I saw Olene, Bea, and surprisingly Flora was there. Afterward, I found myself alone with my parents.
“Where will you go?” my mother asked, her eyes red from crying. She looked exhausted and old.
“To college.” I paused. “I’m not sure where yet,” I said. “Away.” I need to leave Linden Falls, need to leave Iowa. I want to go somewhere where no one will connect me to Brynn, Joshua, the Kelbys or Christopher. I’d like to apply to the University of Illinois in Champaign. Devin has been wonderful. She said she would write me a letter of recommendation and promised to support me in any way she can. If all goes well, I plan to apply to law school. I’m not sure if I want to keep any kind of connection with my parents.
“That’s wise,” my father said, nodding his head with approval. He’d lost weight while in the hospital and held tightly on to my mother. I waited for one of them to hug me or even shake me. But they just stood there and looked uncomfortable. I shook my head in frustration and turned to leave.
“I don’t understand it,” my mother finally said, pulling at my sleeve to stop me. I turned around, hopeful. Maybe at last we’d talk. Really talk.
“You gave up everything.” She looked at me with—what? Confusion, pity, disgust? “You could have gone to any college. We gave you everything. You could have been anything you wanted to be. Why did you go to jail for her? You gave up your entire future for her. I just don’t understand why?”
I took a step backward, freeing myself from my mother’s grasp. To protect her, I wanted to tell them. Someone needed to protect her. Brynn never would have survived the questions or the scrutiny from the police. She wouldn’t have been able to tell them that it was an accident, that she really thought the baby was already dead. Because I loved her, I wanted to tell them. Because she was the only one who helped me when I wasn’t perfect. They wouldn’t have understood, no matter what I said.
“Was it worth it, Allison?” my mother persisted. “Was she worth all the lies?”
“Yes,” I said plainly, my unwavering gaze matching my mother’s. “Brynn was worth it.”
In the end, I didn’t protect Brynn from anything. I thought I had done the right thing in taking the blame. I wanted to spare her any more pain. I guess I just prolonged the inevitable. I hope she found peace in her life for a little while, found the love and support she deserved while she lived with our grandmother. Found some comfort in her pets.
“Well.” My father halfheartedly clapped his hands together. “How about I write you a check just to get you off to a good start?” he offered, as if this would make everything okay. I had no job, nowhere to live and was completely broke. Common sense warranted I should take the money.
“No, thank you,” I said, and that was that. So this was what it came down to for my parents and me. They would never see me graduate from college, never see me marry or have children. I wondered at my mother. Were her tears for the loss of Brynn, the loss of me? Did she cry because we didn’t turn out to be the daughters she had hoped us to be? I’d never know.
After my parents walked away from me and back to the quiet, isolated life they had made for themselves, I found my grandmother. She was standing by Brynn’s grave site, crying softly. “Grandma?” I said quietly. “Are you okay?” I put my hand on her shoulder.
“I thought she was doing better.” She sniffled. “She was seeing that doctor. She was on a good path with her classes and her animals.”
“Oh, Grandma,” I said, beginning to cry again. “It’s all my fault. It wasn’t her fault about the baby. It was mine.”
My grandma pulled me into her strong, thick arms. I towered over her. “Allison, honey, there is plenty of fault to be passed around.”
My grandma released me and we slowly walked to her car. “Are your parents going to try and see that little boy?” she asked.
“No. Do you really think Joshua should be anywhere near my parents?” I made a face and shuddered at the thought.
“No, I guess not. Did you get to say goodbye to him? To Joshua?” She took my hand.
“No. The Kelbys obviously want nothing to do with me and I guess I understand that. I haven’t seen Joshua since that night at the bookstore.”
“You helped save his life. That’s something.”
“They’re good people, but I’m just a terrible reminder to them. Even though I had nothing to do with Brynn trying to drown Joshua, I know they will never trust me again. I should have quit the bookstore the minute I realized who Joshua was. I should have never told Brynn about him.”
I watched as my grandmother opened her car door and wondered how things might have been different if she had been around more when Brynn and I were little. The few memories I had of visiting her and staying at her home were wonderful. I remembered playing with Brynn among our grandma’s flowers, burying our noses in the velvety petals of snow-white peonies and waving away
bumblebees that scolded us for invading their territory. Would her kindness have changed things?
“Do you want a ride?” she asked.
“No, thanks. Olene is waiting for me.”
“One more hug,” she ordered with a smile, and I leaned down and embraced her.
“And, Allison,” she said as she slid into the car and inserted the key into the ignition with her swollen, knotty fingers, “if you need to—if you want to—you are more than welcome to come stay with me in New Amery for a while. For as long as you’d like.”
“Really?” I asked in surprise. I wanted nothing more than to leave Linden Falls behind and just drive away with my grandmother. “I have a few things to finish up here,” I told her regretfully. “Can I come when I’m done? In a few days or so?”
“Of course,” she said. “You come when you’re ready. You’ll get the chance to meet Brynn’s pets.”
“I can’t wait,” I told her, and leaned through the car window to peck her on the cheek.
I wish I had been a better sister, I wish I could have been there to help Brynn. But I couldn’t. When things got difficult, Brynn could only see bleakness and despair. She saw no glimmer of hope that things would ever get better. She thought that without his sister, Joshua could never be happy. I don’t know that anyone could have saved Brynn from herself. But I can save myself. I can be happy.
As I walked toward Olene and the others, I remembered how Olene told me to meet the world with hope in my heart. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I know that I will never see Joshua Kelby—my son—again. But I have hope that he will grow up strong and happy and well-loved. I have hope that when the time is right, his parents will say to him, There once was a girl who loved you enough to give you the world. I hope.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
These Things Hidden Page 24
