by H. Q. Frost
"Shaun?" he asked.
"No." The word came out reassuringly as she shook her head. "I like him."
His hand reached for a shot but he stopped and breathed the word, "Shit," rubbing his face. After a minute, he pushed his hair out of his eyes. "How? How do you do this?"
"I just don't think about it." Her finger crept to a lock of his soft curls and twirled.
"Do you even like me? How can you be in love with one guy but like another?"
"I can." Her thumb slid over his lip. "I am."
He locked eyes with her and kissed her thumb that rested on his lips. Laughter pulled his attention away and he found Layna approaching the table.
"Pat said you were here. I thought you'd be alone." Though she wore a grin, there was no mistaking the disdain oozing from her sloppy scowl.
JUSTIN knows that hope's unknown
She is not who I want to fucking see right now. She's the reason I'm so fucked up and of course she shows up at the most disadvantaging of times. She looks like shit too. Like she's been on a coke binge all fucking day. El blows this bitch out of the water as far as looks.
When Layna sits on the bench across from us, I look at El who's staring at her hatefully. I want to laugh, but I hold back. This little pistol could fuck Layna up any day and she's mine, mine and Ian Jacks…and some dude in the Caribbean. I don't want to think about that right now with Layna sitting across from me.
Staring at her is making me want to push El away because the idea that El is fucking with me hard like Layna did is creeping in. After Layna, I swore off relationships, and although I can't get rid of Layna altogether, I would never take her back.
I grab the liquor bottle and put it at the edge of the table then eye Eleanor who's watching us at the bar.
"I don't want your shitty liquor," Layna slurs in a nasty tone. "What's with the bitch, Mushy?" She nods toward El and El looks at me with raised eyebrows. I know it's because Layna called me Mushy. Mushy was my pet name she dictated for me because she says when it comes to love I'm too soft, mushy.
"This is El—"
"I don't give a fuck what her name is," she snaps at me, grinding her jaw, confirming she's on coke.
"Who the fuck are you?" El slams her hand onto the table and Eleanor walks up, grabbing the liquor bottle.
"Layna, why don't you come sit at the bar," Eleanor says in an attempt to help.
"I'm fine." Layna cattily grins.
Eleanor looks at me and I know El's sensing everyone's discomfort.
"Know what? I'm hot." El looks at me and I have no idea what she means. "Give me your keys so I can go get the t-shirt." Her lithe fingers tautly extend with her palm up.
"I'll come with you." As I stand, she puts her hand on my shoulder, pushing me back down.
"No, you stay. Straighten this out, I'll be fine."
"I'll go with her," Kurt says.
"You do that, pussy boy," Layna snarls at him. She hates Kurt and the feeling's mutual.
I'm staring into El's eyes as I put my keys into her hand, trying to read the expression across her face. She's got nothing to be jealous of when it comes to Layna, and I really hope she's not feeling that. She leans down and kisses me softly then walks away with Kurt.
Disgust curls my lip when I look at Layna. I'm always disgusted when I see her. I think I hate this woman but I can't get rid of her. It's frustrating and I only do it to myself.
"Fuck that fucking bitch." Lilith hiccupped as she walked to the jeep with Kurt.
"I feel the same way." He glanced around making sure no one was going to screw with them on the dark street.
"Haven't they been divorced two years?" A scowl marred her pretty face, but it didn't lessen her beauty.
"Yep, this December. Two years. She's a crack whore. You got nothin' to worry about."
Lilith unlocked the jeep and reached in for a shirt. "Obviously I do because she follows him around!"
Her mind was with Layna and all she could think about was how similar this seemed to the situation with Karen. Unzipping the hoodie, she didn't think as she pulled it off, revealing her purple bra. Kurt's eyes enlarged as he watched her pull the t-shirt on.
"He's obviously still hung up on her too, 'cause he had her play a Halloween party at his work!"
Shifting to ease his growing erection, Kurt coughed into his hand to buy him a minute. "He feels like if he stops talkin' to her, she'll die."
Lilith's eyes shot to him. "Oh fuck me!" she groaned, throwing her hands up with the confirmation it was a Karen and Ian situation.
"Totally would," Kurt said quietly and she grimaced at him.
"Totally inappropriate," she snarled.
"I know. I'm sorry. You want some coke?" He shifted again.
"No." She blew past him, heading back to the bar. "This bitch has got to go. I'll physically remove her if I have to." Alcohol further morphed her unusual behavior. "I'm not putting up with any more bitches like this," she muttered walking back into the bar just as Justin stood, pushing his chest against a much taller man's.
Still seated in the booth, Layna had a grip on the tall man's hand.
"Fuck," Kurt huffed and looked at Eleanor who shrugged like she'd given up.
Approaching, Lilith slid her hand between the two men, pushing Justin back into the booth and sitting next to him.
With a rumbling laugh, the tall man pointed. "Look, she's gonna protect you." He called over his shoulder, "Al! Look, this little girl's gonna protect him."
Al and the small group he was with started to laugh and point in their direction.
"She's protecting you," Kurt said and the man spun to face him.
"What, bitch?" He lunged but Kurt didn't flinch. "I ain't got time for pussies like you. Go sit down, baby boy."
"Go sit down, pussy boy," Layna taunted Kurt.
The violent urges coursing through Lilith were alarming but didn't stop the drive to want to slam Layna's face into the table.
"His whore said he can't fight so he's gonna heel like a good bitch." His putrid grin revealed rotting teeth and he looked over at Layna as they laughed together.
With her tiny pupils and smeared makeup, Layna looked at Lilith and scowled.
"Bet I can get him to ignore the bitch," he assured, his grin turning to a snarl.
The next second happened so fast, Lilith was stunned. A light slap landed on her face and Justin stood, tipping the table onto Layna. He jumped over the mess onto the tall man that assaulted her with the slap. A large hand pulled Lilith away and she looked up at Big D, meeting his smile.
When other men swarmed Justin it became a fight between twelve. Big D handed Lilith over to Eleanor before delving into the messy fight. Using his bouncer background experience, he started plucking men off each other.
"You alright?" Eleanor softly rubbed Lilith's face.
"I'm okay." Lilith pushed her hand away, looking for Justin in the disorder.
Big D grabbed Justin, pushing him down behind him. He then yanked Kurt from the mass of bodies and threw him in the other direction. The tall man's friends kept trying to get to Justin but Big D held them back until police wandered in minutes later and the men split up.
Holding his face, Justin looked around for Lilith, seeing her at the bar with Eleanor. When their eyes locked, Lilith pushed a man out of the way to get to him. He winced away from the soft touch she placed on his cheek.
"I think he broke my jaw," he mumbled stiffly. "Fucking cocksucker!" Justin yelled out, drawing the attention of one of the officers that strolled over.
"Lily?" the officer said; Lilith looked at him, noticing him as one of her clients.
She put on an innocent smile and partially waved. Justin jerked his head to look at her, immediately sending a jolting pain through his face and he cursed.
"What's goin' on here?" The officer glanced around.
"Some guy came in and started a fight with pretty much everyone. Him and his girlfriend." Lilith pointed to Layna who stood against the wall behind the
tall man.
"They said someone accosted you?"
"Yeah, he did." She pointed. "I'm fine though. Hey, did you win that hockey game the other day?" Her flirty grin was only in hopes it'd get Justin out of trouble.
"No, O to four." A boyish smirk highlighted his face and he looked away like he was embarrassed.
"Next game." The smile stayed plastered to her lips, doing its best to convince him not to use the cuffs in his hand.
"You guys alright?" He looked between her and Justin and started putting away the cuffs he intended on using before Lilith's flirty attention.
"As long as they're gone, we are." She smiled and he nodded.
"No problem. Take it easy. Don't drink and drive." He pointed at Justin.
Justin spun to the bar and held up his finger, wanting Eleanor to bring him something. Anything. So he didn't have to think about Lilith being an escort and now his girlfriend.
"Thanks, Stan," Lilith said, cautiously sitting next to Justin.
"Did you fuck him?" he blurted.
Her mouth dropped and her hand twitched with the urge to slap him. "I'm not even going to answer that," she snickered and Eleanor brought the Goldschläger bottle back over, then handed them both a beer.
"Shit, ZP." The sadness in his eyes wasn't from his sore face. "How am I supposed to do this?"
It was a good question, but there weren't answers for it. She stared into his blue eyes that she found herself studying like she did Ian's.
After taking a sip of beer she said, "I gave the only advice I know."
"Don't think about it!" he snapped indignantly.
"Here's better advice." Sliding from the stool, she leaned into him slightly. "Don't do it."
He watched her retreating back and huffed, slamming his fists onto the bar. He assumed she was going to the bathroom, but when he looked up, he saw she slipped out the door.
"Stan!" Lilith called out, running over to his police car as he was getting in. "Can you give me a ride?"
"Hop in."
Justin pushed his way around the small crowd but when he got outside, he saw the cop driving away with her in the front. The closest object took the brunt of his anger as he smashed his fist into a mailbox. Kurt had followed him out and caught the scene as Justin punched the box. With a wince, he backed up, wanting to give Justin space to air out his frustration. After a few minutes, he pulled Justin back into the bar where Eleanor got him ice for his hand and more to drink.
LILITH's waking is surreal
"Stan, do you mind stopping at the drugstore please?" I sweetly smile at him and he has no problem bending to my whim.
I'm feeling reckless and drunk and fighting the disappointment that this won't work between Justin and me. I'm kind of out of my mind right now and it's more intense than I've ever felt. The disappointment with Justin is deeply rooting sadness and I knew I liked him, but I think it's a lot more than I should admit to.
Ian's not home and it's after eleven. He hasn't texted or called. I should call him but at the moment I want to take care of what I purchased at the drugstore. Rushing into the bathroom, I pull the hair dye box out of the bag thinking I can see straight and that this is a good idea. Justin said I'd look good with black hair and I'm ready for a change. I've never dyed my hair.
While I wait for the dye to process, my drunk is dwindling me to a sleepy state. I also blame that pill I took. After rinsing my hair, I try to take in the change, but I don't notice anything different. A messy twisted bun secures my lackluster change at the top of my head and I take in the splattered dye mess I made, that I'll clean up tomorrow.
After a glass of vodka and lemonade, I stammer into my shoe room, having meant to go into my bedroom, but I think I'm in here intentionally. I don't want to admit that though. The pictures I never put away are holding my gaze and a flood of unwanted thoughts begin breaking me down.
Why'd my mom leave me? If I could just get the answers, I think I'd feel better about all this. I don't think I'd be as fucked up as I am.
Although, what I surround myself with is pretty screwed up too, but I love it. All of it. My friends, my fiancé, my job, all the stress. Maybe not the stress, but I think a lot of my stress is coming from my mom… I know that's stupid, but I want to blame someone else just no one close to me.
With her picture in my hand, I make my way over to my laptop and type her name into the search engine: Darcie Rose Kingston. A social networking result comes up and the profile picture is of an infant so I really doubt this is her, but I click it. There's not much on here indicating the age of this person and the location is Utah. I laugh out loud. I don't think she would have went to Utah. I click the pictures because I'm not ready to shrug it off and a slew of photographs of two children fill the page. They're young, it looks like the most recent post was a week ago and these kids can't be older than ten, probably younger.
One caption reads 'My boys first day of school'. This can't be her because she's too old to have children this young. I scroll down and see a woman with the two kids so I click it to enlarge. The picture comes to focus and I slam the laptop screen shut to get away from the image of my mother hugging two little boys. My heart races and my stomach churns. The sink is the closest spot to regurgitate all the booze I drank with Justin.
My drunk mind has to be playing tricks on me so I slowly open the laptop and look again. My sight flashes to her picture next to the keyboard then back to the screen for an unmistakable confirmation. Heat stings my cheeks and my forehead beads with sweat. I'm having a hard time breathing and I begin to pace, unable to fathom this.
She left me then had two more children! Will she leave them? Did she leave because of me and now these kids keep her happy? She left me and built another life, the same life she had before except with two boys. Oh my god, she left because of me!
I fumble for my phone and I can't stop the irrational tears. My trembling hands take a few minutes to control and type out my message while I sink to the ground.
MY FREYJA: I could use a talk
Why'd she leave me to start all over with the same thing? She's got two little boys! So little.
Getting no response from Ian is making all this worse and I can feel sweat roll down my temple. I fan myself with my hand but the heat is coming from inside me.
Where's Ian? Why isn't he responding? Is he with Karen? Is he with someone else?
I'm making myself sicker and my tears hurt as they escape with racking sobs. I want to scream out but I'm fighting it back because I'm afraid I'll start breaking things. I dial Justin's phone number and it rings six times before I get his voicemail.
I need a release. I take in a few deep breaths to stop crying because I can't cry and cut. When I do that I get careless. I'm already in the bathroom and have a razor in my hand. I pull off Justin's shirt that I've gotten hair dye on and throw it onto the counter, holding my arm out. Either this is going to hurt terribly or be painless. The razor edge jabs into flesh below the scar on my arm and I softly drag toward my armpit. I don't know if it hurt or was painless, but I feel better. An exhaling breath escapes while I cut a small line and I feel like I can breathe again. The churning in my stomach has stopped. I open my eyes to look at the blood because it is always the second step to feeling better.
My phone ringing in the other room catches my attention, but I don't make a move. I need to do it one more time to calm down completely. Right next to the first, I pull a line toward my armpit. This one stings because I've started to calm down, but it's a good sting.
"You fucking bitch," I mutter to my reflection in the mirror, but I'm talking to my mother. I need to remember to wear makeup to erase that woman. Maybe this black hair will make a difference in the morning.
My bra slides off my arms and I kick my boots off, starting to feel more relaxed. I peruse the medicine cabinet to see if there's anything else that can help me relax. My ringing phone calls out again but fuck them, I don't need them anymore. The one thing I've had most of my life t
ook care of me like it always has.
A bottle of prescription pain pills Ashley left here when I hurt myself before Halloween catches my attention. After sliding my pants off I rush to the kitchen, planning to wash these four pills down with water but I see vodka, and what the hell.
I shouldn't have tried to swallow all four at once. One's stuck in my throat, or scratched it. Water isn't helping so I try more vodka but that just burns. My plan was to get into bed and sleep all this off but I'm sitting at the computer again, punishing my bare flesh with the cold sting of these ridiculous chairs. Only in my thong, I keep telling myself to pull a shirt on but I'm searching everything I can about her. I've gone through her friends. There's no indication of a husband and she's using her maiden name.
The four pills don't take long to kick in and my eyes are becoming groggier while my head becomes heavier. Leaning on my hand, my head slips and smacks the keyboard causing me to jump up, and I have a sudden surge of energy. But after a few steps it's gone, all of it, and I'm curling up on the rug in the living room. With a lingering glance toward my bedroom door, the thought to crawl crosses my mind, but I'm so comfortable.
"Lily?" Ian's voice bellowed as he rushed into the condo. "Lily?" He ran for the bedroom and seeing she wasn't there he muttered, "Fuck," assuming she left, but her ringing phone made him pause. "Lily?" he called out following the ring.
JUSTIN was the name on her illuminated screen and thinking Lilith was possibly calling, searching for her phone, he answered.
"Hello?"
"Jacks?" Justin asked.
"Are you with her?"
"No, and I'm assuming you're not, but you have her phone? Did you call me from her phone?"
"No! She called you?"
"About forty-five minutes ago."
"Fuck," Ian muttered and turned around. "Holy fuck." He dropped the phone as he rushed over to her naked body that had traces of blood smeared across her flesh because she never tended to her bleeding arm. "Lily?" he yelled picking her up.
"Jacks?" Justin shouted into the phone after hearing Ian's frantic tone.
Gently laying her on the couch, Ian began searching for the cause of the blood. Finding the cuts on her arm, he calmed down because they were nothing like he was preparing himself for.
