by H. Q. Frost
These past few days have been terrible and I'm a mess right now. I barely remember why I'm fighting with Ian and I'm dying to see Justin but I haven't had a second to even breathe, not to mention no phone. Finally I have a minute but it's eleven o'clock at night, and I know it's late but he's not even home.
In his room I look around at the mess. His bed isn't made, t-shirts and jeans are littering the floor, but his closet is open and it's immaculate. Kind of reminds me of Ian's closet; all his suits are lined up, almost color coordinated. I can't help but laugh. I miss him.
Looking around his room I see a flyer to some sort of concert, but I can use the back. Finding a pen was much easier than paper.
I broke into your house. I'm sorry. My phone's been broken and I don't have your cell number memorized and the number in Luxe's computer is for the law firm. I called but you were in a meeting. I've been buried at work. I'm sorry I haven't been able to hunt you down until now. You're not here though. Sorry for breaking and entering. I didn't steal anything, you don't have anything to steal, but I was tempted to take another shirt.
I miss you terribly and this isn't the best circumstances in which I should be telling you, but I love you. I'm sorry if it's too soon, but these three days of not having contact with you have been hell.
So I planned on telling you when I got here.
I love you
EL
I feel stupid telling him in a note, but I leave it on his pillow and run from the house because I really can't have this cab driver leave me. I'd be stranded with no phone.
When the cab pulls up to the condo, all the lights are on. I was hoping Ian would be sleeping. He's been the biggest pain and all I want him to do is stop arguing with me about everything, especially Justin because there is no room for argument.
I walk in and hear unfamiliar voices, immediately sending aggravation through me because I really don't want company right now. In my living room there's a man I don't know sitting on my couch and two other unknown men sitting at the dining room table. Ian walks into the kitchen, but he hasn't seen me. When the man on the couch notices me, he stands with haste like I caught him doing something inappropriate.
"Hi." I smile as sweetly as I can for there being three strange men in my home at midnight during the week.
"Joel." He throws his hand out and he's still staring at me suspiciously.
"Lily."
"Ian, your old lady's home," one of the men at the table calls out and my head snaps to glare at him but he's looking at the table where he's setting up cards and poker chips.
A loud knock comes across the front door and it opens. Three more men file into my house. Heat begins to flood my face in disbelief that Ian would invite people here. I smile but don't stick around for introductions as I head into the kitchen where Ian's blending something in the blender.
"What's going on?" I ask calmly, sweetly even.
"What's it look like?" He doesn't budge to look at me.
"You're having company."
"I thought you'd be with him tonight."
My nails are gouging the palms of my hands. I want to cry, I want to scream, but I'm not going to do that in front of six men I don't know.
"I was working late." I didn't mean to project such sadness in my voice but I'm breaking down.
"I didn't know." He finally looks at me with a smear of remorse on his face. "We're just playing poker."
"So late?" I'm trying to remain calm; he shrugs. "Who are these people? Why didn't you go to your apartment? Aren't these people that shouldn't know about us?"
"College friends. I rarely see them, they don't know much about me but one of the guys contacted me yesterday asking if I wanted to play. I really didn't think you'd be home."
I'm dying for him to touch me, he hasn't in three days.
"Okay." I nod. "Goodnight."
I don't even get the courtesy of a glance.
The welling in my eyes makes me quickly turn and walk from the kitchen to four men staring at me as I head for my bedroom. It's rude, but I'm not in the mood for introductions.
Softly closing the door, I walk to my bed grabbing the pillow and take it into the bathroom where I close the door and press the pillow to my face to let out a scream as my tears come bursting through like a dam. My lungs are burning and being crushed as tears blind me to everything. Every ounce of strength is being utilized not to cut, but I'm losing. I need a phone. I need to talk to Justin, Ashley, Caesar, someone!
Bouncing, I'm wiggling my fingers trying to catch my breath. Days of fighting with Ian is exhausting. Fighting with Ian over something he said he wouldn't do is exhausting!
I lean my hands on the counter and lower my head, trying to inhale deeply. The tears have stopped but as I let out my first deep breath I've managed to inhale, I start crying again, hard.
Climbing onto the countertop, I reach above the medicine cabinet with a shaky hand. Ian took all my razors, but I managed to hide one. Sitting my butt on the counter, I unbutton my blouse and I can't stop shaking or crying so it's prolonging the release I need right now.
I know I don't want to do this, but there's no other way when it's coiled so tightly I feel like I could suffocate if I don't find that release. Trying to see through the puddles in my eyes, I press the blade into my arm. As I push a little harder than normal, I begin to feel the release I need and I slowly drag the blade until promises of relief stop all my tears.
Lilith slept alone and woke alone. On her way out the door she saw Ian was passed out on the couch and didn't bother waking him.
When Ian woke, he rubbed his face groaning from unintentionally falling asleep on the couch. Deleting the 'This isn't working out' text he sent Justin from Lilith's new phone, he headed into the office. He figured she'd already talked to Justin and they smoothed out the text he jealously sent the day before.
Prepared to apologize for attempting to ruin their relationship, he stopped at Lilith's closed office door. Hearing Tash talking didn't stop him from knocking.
"Just a minute," Lilith called out.
With an aggravated sigh, he marched to his office. Commotion in the hallway drew his attention back as one of the girls burst into Lilith's office with a problem like always. Before Lilith, the girls never had problems, mainly because they knew Ian wouldn't put up with them. He thought about putting a stop to it, telling the girls to stop contacting Lilith, but everything was running smoother with her changes.
The second time he tried to go into her office she was with another girl, the third one that day. On the third attempt, her closed office door pissed him off and he stormed to the receptionist desk.
"I'm going out for lunch. Don't forward any calls." His brash demand made Veronica flinch.
Catching his hostility, Tash furrowed her brows. "What's got his panties in a bunch?" she muttered.
IAN dies in his dreams
After blowing Karen off for almost a week, I decide to go see her. The woman at the desk smiles at me like she does anytime I'm there.
"Kar—"
"I know who you want." She grins as she types on her computer. "It's nice you're here. She hasn't had a visitor since early last week. You."
What the fuck is that? Her parents and brothers were coming every other day, and her sister daily. Why haven't they been here to see her? She's been alone this whole time?
"Go ahead, Mr. Jacks." She interrupts my internal rant.
I'm nervous. Why am I nervous? I think I'm afraid she's going to bitch at me for not being here, but she can't do that anymore because I am no longer her boyfriend.
Her back is to the door as she sits on the bed staring out the window. Her hair is a tangled, pulled back mess and she's wearing this gown thing. This…thing. It's not normal clothes, definitely not her clothes.
"Karen," I say, approaching the bed and she doesn't move. I place my hand on her shoulder as I slowly round the bed to look at her face. She doesn't look at me. "Karen," I say again.
She looks
like she's aged ten years, her flesh has a yellow tint to it, her eyes have bags, her lips are chapped. She looks like hell. This is not the Karen I knew. What'd she do to herself?
An orderly walks into the room clearing a tray with untouched food on it. "She's not talking to anyone. She hasn't said a word in three days. She's not eating and soon she's going to be tube fed. I keep telling her but she's being stubborn."
"What happened to her?" I bark.
Stubborn my ass, she looks like she's being neglected.
"Nothing. People stopped coming. She stopped caring. You her husband?" The orderly scowls at me.
"No. I was her boss," I say without thinking. That's what came out: 'I was her boss'…
Do I even love this woman anymore? I don't know. As shallow as it seems, I think looking at her like this…no, I don't. It's not her appearance, it's her pathetic demeanor. She's a strong willed woman and that is not what's sitting here. This is a broken, useless girl, no will, no attitude, no care and for all the wrong reasons.
This is unacceptable though, the fact her own family hasn't been here. Someone better be fucking dead.
I pull a chair in front of her and sit; she still hasn't moved, not even her eyes.
"Did you hear what he said?" I ask like she'll respond. "You're going to be tube fed. They're going to shove a tube through your nose to feed you. What's going on with you? Is it because no one has been here?" I stare into her hollow eyes.
This is like a horror movie almost. That's how bad she looks. I'm waiting for her head to spin around and her face to turn green. I'm waiting for bile to project from her mouth. I'm really waiting for Karen to come back.
"Is it because I haven't been here?" I quietly ask and finally her eyes flash to mine.
I look at the orderly who's got a 'no shit' look on his face. Fucking prick, go clean bedpans. When I grab her hand the chill it gives me almost makes me drop it. Her hands are like ice.
"I'm sorry."
Why the fuck am I apologizing to this woman?
My fiancée is a fucking mess that quite possibly hates me and I'm here with this crazy bitch. Shit, I'm so fucked up and turned around. I came here because I thought this was what I needed. I needed to see Karen. That comfort I once had with her is completely gone. I can't say I feel nothing because that's not true. I'm very aware I used to be in love with this woman, but I'm not anymore. I think I'll always love her, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't relieved she's not in my life anymore.
The uncomfortable glare burning into me is keeping me from looking her in the eyes. If this were Lily would I be feeling so detached? No, I'd never let Lily get to this point. How'd I let Karen? She did this to herself. Getting knocked up by my sister's boyfriend, murdering a fetus brutally. Insanity will turn you into the unrecognizable shell Karen's become.
My gut flips and a chill runs down my back. I drop her hand and stand. I can't even look at her anymore. I place my hand on her shoulder and say, "I'm sorry."
On my way out of the building I call her father but he doesn't answer, so I call her mother.
"I don't want you contacting me!" she growls into the phone upon answering.
"You worthless excuse for a mother. You're nothing but an enabling bitch and this is your fault. Your fucked up daughter is your doing and I hope this haunts you to your grave. The money is being deposited into Karen's account today. I'm done. With your daughter and with your entire family. It's up to you if you're going to leave her to languish. I'm done." I hang up the phone.
I'm done.
Ian stormed into the building and saw Justin getting onto the elevator.
"Hold the elevator!" Ian called out. "Borg?"
"Jacks." Justin stared him in the eyes.
"She's not here," Ian blurted.
"I called and that ditz at the front desk said she was."
"I just dropped her with a client."
Justin stepped off the elevator.
"I can mention you stopped by." The smug look on his face screamed 'fuck off'.
"I'm sure you will." Justin walked away.
On the way up in the crowded elevator, Ian called his father. "Now's the time. I want it to happen right now. Fax all the paperwork and I'll have her sign. It'll be faxed back in twenty minutes. Fax it right this fucking minute," he growled.
"You're making a huge mistake."
"Fax it!" Ian snapped and everyone in the elevator stepped away from him.
Ian blew through the lobby and to the fax machine, swiping the papers up before Veronica could. After looking them over, a satisfied grin flit across his face and he walked to Lilith's office. With her head in her hands she stared at paperwork looking stressed and tired, almost looking miserable.
"Lily." His fervent voice boomed through the office startling both Lilith and Tash. "I need you to sign these." The paperwork was slapped to her desk in front of her.
"What's this for?" Her weak voice made him want to drop to his knees and beg her for forgiveness. "Can I do it later? I have a four o'clock and I need to start getting ready."
"Actually no. This needs to be done now." The imperative nature of the paperwork was expressed on his face and she hurriedly signed the three sheets without reading.
Her tired eyes lifted to his and he smiled, snatching the paperwork from her hand then exited the office without another word.
"You want me to do that, Mr. J?" Veronica asked.
"No. Thank you, Veronica." After sending the fax, he pulled his cellphone out. "Did you get them?"
"For fuck sake, Ian! I'm not carrying the fax machine in my ass!" Ed snapped.
"Then shove it up there!" Ian growled quietly. "I want to know this will all be done now."
Ed went on incoherently rambling and Ian could hear him shuffling through papers.
"Are you fucking happy?" Ed snapped then held his phone up to the fax machine. "You hear that, you shit head? That's me faxing the bank. Happy?" He put the phone back to his ear.
"As soon as I get a conformation from the bank, I will be." Ian hung up the phone and stormed back to Lilith's office, pulling the new cellphone from his pocket. "Lily." He approached her desk and set it down.
"Thank you." She tried to catch his eye, but he walked back out of the office just as quickly as he'd entered. "I'm heading to my date, Tash." She fought to speak through the growing lump in her throat.
"Okay. I'll see you in the morning." Tash gave her a quick smile, not catching that Lilith was on the brink of a meltdown.
When she stepped into the elevator she leaned against the wall putting her hand to her face and the tears released. Dressed and with her makeup on she didn't have time to cry. When the doors opened Richie was standing there.
"Lily." He pulled her to him.
"We have to go." She pushed him away and hurried out the doors into the waiting car.
"What's wrong?" He wouldn't drive until she looked at him.
"Under a lot of stress, Rich, it's fine. Swing by my condo please. I have to freshen up my makeup."
Will LILITH become one?
I'm feeling really defeated, helpless, lost. I have no idea what I signed at the office, for all I know it was a resignation letter.
I'm tired from not getting sleep last night. I know I over react some days and I can't believe the amount of stress, but today was by far the most stressful day due to work. Human errors, sick girls, failing systems, it was a cluster fuck and I'm almost happy to go on this date.
Ian finally got me a phone…four days later. I'm afraid to look at my texts. I've dealt with any message I've received from the girls, but I don't even want to be reminded of the stupidity I've had to deal with this week.
I touch up my coral color makeup, looking like a clown, a little girl who found her mother's makeup, but this is what Dr. Chen wants. As I get back into the car I pick up the cellphone but I'm too exhausted to check it. I'm a little disappointed Justin hasn't made an effort to contact me at the office. I know where he'll be tonight and I th
ink I'll show up there with plans of staying the night with him. Ian can be alone. Seems like he's wanted that all week.
"Richie," I say when he parks. "Go back to my condo. In my second drawer in the tall dresser there's a Guinness shirt. In the last drawer are jeans, just grab any pair. Also go into my shoe room and grab the black boots that are by the door. They're really worn, look like trash, they're not." I giggle, almost feeling bad for having him build my outfit. "Lastly grab my green double breasted jacket, it's in my closet. Looks like an army jacket, you know what I mean?"
"Yeah." He nods.
"Be back here by nine."
"You sure I should leave you?"
"Dr. Chen is a repeat client. I'll be fine," I say and get out of the car.
"Lily, I need a key," Richie belts before I run off.
"Oh, right." I toss him my keys. "You'll figure it out." I jog into the hotel because I'm a few minutes late.
JUSTIN is a ghost upon the stage
"Eleanor." I lift my empty beer.
"So did you fuck her?" Kurt asks.
I've just alluded to my interesting evening with Rayne Bronson. My nefarious evening with her.
When I got home at four this morning I found a note from El on my bed and I've never felt worse. I didn't know if I had a girlfriend anymore last night, prior to the note. The only thing I've heard from her in fucking days was it wasn't working out between us! I find out this morning, drunk as hell, her phone's been broken and that she fucking loves me. But that doesn't explain the email about her offering sex again or the text of her breaking up with me.
Fuck, I'm such a fuck up. Maybe if I called her office a few more times. Maybe if I wasn't Jackass Justin whose dick is more eager than his heart.
"I didn't fuck her."
The bastard sees the dismay on my face but he's grinning.
"Man." I shake my head and take the shot Eleanor brought me.
"What'd you do?" she asks; she heard bits and pieces. "You broke up with El?"
"Not exactly. I thought she broke up with me and—"
