by H. Q. Frost
I exhale as quietly as I possibly can, but when I realize what song is playing a gush has me clenching muscles and threatening a moan. I want him right here, right now.
I think we're supposed to look at the priest, but we're not and I can't look away from him or I might freak out. It doesn't dawn on me for maybe ten minutes that the priest is speaking French. This all seems a lot less threatening because I can't understand what he's saying and I softly chuckle which makes Ian smile.
For the first time since the ceremony started, I look away from Ian to the ring he's pushing onto my finger. The second ring is a thick band of sparkling diamonds that reflect the light. People will see me coming from a mile away with these reflectors on my hand. I'm shaking so much I almost can't push Ian's ring onto his finger. When I get it over his knuckle he grabs my hand and places three kisses over my rings.
The priest says something and Ian looks at him. "No," he quietly says and shakes his head to I think the priest requesting if we have vows.
"By the power vested in me." The priest is speaking English now and thankfully because this is the part I want to understand. The part that tells me I did it, I've married my first true love. "I now pronounce you man and wife. Kiss your bride."
An uproar of applause comes from our small audience but it sounds like a packed room cheering. Ian reaches out and folds up the bottom of my veil, pulling me to him. Dipping me back slightly, he softly kisses me. I think he's afraid my lipstick will smear but this is my usual red, and it's staying put so I press just a little harder.
His mouth is still to mine and he whispers, "I love you, Lilith Jacks."
My eyes close and I feel like I just melted out of his arms. I'm Lilith Jacks! Holy shit, I got married!
I giggle and kiss him a little harder and a little deeper but keep it PG because of our crowd. Ian stands me upright but I hold onto him because I'm a little overwhelmed. The priest approaches me and says something in French, hugging me before doing the same to Ian. I want Ashley. I want to see Ashley but Aurora grabs me and she's been crying, a lot. I'm almost afraid she's going to hit me or something but she throws her arms around me.
"How could I not have known?" She's laughing and crying and I ease into her hug. "You are so beautiful." She pushes me away and is holding me at arm's length. Her eyes narrow and my heart starts pounding. "Shame on you, Lily. You should have told me." Her threatening glare breaks into a smile. "I couldn't be happier about my son's choice." She hugs me once more but is shooed away by Ed.
Great Ed. I don't really need him groping up on me right now.
"You're a beautiful woman, Lily." He takes my hand and kisses it, hugging me in the oddest embrace, not expected from him at all. This embrace feels more fatherly than seductive like I'm used to from him. I actually enjoy this hug and when he lets me go he doesn't linger or stare into my eyes too long; he moves on to his son and hugs him.
Ian's inundated with people so I can't get to him. I just want Ashley or Caesar but I can barely look around before people are grabbing me. People I don't know. People welcoming me to the family, then my family. Peachey's eyes are red and her makeup looks like hell. My uncle Rick hugs me and he seems like he shed a few tears. It makes me chuckle. Aunt Carol hugs me and wipes her tears. Joanna hugs me and I actually enjoy her hug. It feels warm and genuine, like we're slowly building a relationship.
"You look so beautiful," she says in my ear. "He is a lucky guy, Lily. You have the biggest heart and purest soul and you deserve years of happiness." The never expected, kind words make me tear up and I don't want to cry!
"Do you want a raise?" I laugh to stop the tears and she starts to laugh, hugging me again.
"Lily flower," Richie says putting his arms out. He's really changed in the past few weeks he's been with us. It seems like he's grown up a few years, years that he needed to realize he's a man now and needed to start acting like it.
"You look handsome." I nudge him with my hip and he smirks.
"I took some pointers from Mr. J." Richie points at Ian with both fingers and fires like a gun. I burst into laughter because he's still the awkward dork I've always known him as and I don't want that to change.
It seems I've gone through everyone and I can finally get back to Ian until I spot them…my mother's parents. I haven't seen them in years but there's no mistaking it's them. I look like the woman for Christ's sake. My initial shock makes her frown and I see her clutch his arm tightly. I shouldn't act this way. She made an effort to stay in contact with me after my mother left. It was me who pushed them away. I approach them because they haven't joined the chaotic crowd.
"Lilith," she breathes my name with a shaky voice.
"Grandma." I smile; I didn't mean to call her that.
She grabs me and pulls me to her with a jerk. It's a bit of a fluster but I give in and I hold her tightly. I can't stop these tears and don't know what I'm crying for. Am I crying because she's here or am I crying because my mother's not?
"Your husband sent us an invite." She lets me go and wipes her tears away.
"I'm happy he did," I say through my tears and I think I mean that.
When I look over at my grandpa he doesn't say anything, he just pulls me to him. This hug is the most apologetic hug I have ever felt. Is he apologizing for his worthless daughter or is he apologizing because we haven't seen each other in years? Whatever it means, I like it and it's exactly what I needed to feel at the moment.
There's a wrenching feeling in my heart when it's time for me and Ian to leave all our guests. This day couldn't have been more perfect as impromptu as it was. Saying goodbye to my grandparents is the hardest and makes me wonder if I'd stayed in touch maybe I wouldn't have turned out so hateful toward my mother.
Ever since returning home I've been feeling a bit used lately. I should be in the blissful wedding stage but I'm not because the fact of the matter is, I am still in love with Justin. I love Ian with all my soul. He'll always hold my heart, but I'm in love with Justin too and regret so much. Like falling for him, like not being able to stop thinking about him, like letting him go.
I'm constantly reminded of him because he's on every entertainment news show thanks to Rayne Bronson. I don't watch these shows but I've become addicted just to get a glimpse of him. I can't hang out with Ashley because she's always with Tomo, and if he doesn't remind me of Justin, I'm afraid Justin will show up wherever we may go.
On top of my despair over Justin, Karen's mother was in the office yesterday and she met with Ian for almost two hours. He's supposed to be done with her, so why is her mother sitting in my office for two hours? We've paid the bitch. They all need to disappear.
Joanna still hasn't started working because according to Tanya, she's not ready. Tanya's been 'training' her over a week now and she says Joanna gets scared too easily. I really don't have anywhere else to put her if she can't take over for Tanya.
"You want lunch, Lily?" Tash asks me.
"No thanks," I mutter.
I hear her shift in her seat and can tell she's gazing at me. "You haven't eaten lunch all week."
Hunger hasn't been a concern. Nothing really has except work because when I'm buried in work it's easier to forget that Ian will never be rid of Karen. Forget Justin. Easier to forget half my heart feels like it's missing.
"Just not hungry." I glance at her.
"How's Justin?" she asks and my eyes shoot up to her. My heart is racing and I'm at a loss.
"We're not together anymore." I know she's seen him on TV for three weeks so I can't lie about it.
"You still wear the ring." She points to my finger with a skeptical eye.
"It was my mother's," I reply without thought and really wish I hadn't. I stand from my desk; she's turned back to her computer and I hurry out of my office to the bathroom.
"Lily, can I—" Richie tries to talk to me but I ignore him and b-line for the bathroom, pulling my hair down as I walk. I haven't cut in a while and maybe this is the release I need t
o help me feel better.
As long as you play IAN's game he'll let you win
"Mr. J." Richie knocks on my open door.
"What's goin' on?" I lean back in my chair.
This kid's put on some weight and it's all muscle. He's looking alright compared to when he arrived here. I think him and Tash have something going on. I mean, I don't care if they do, I'm just curious and find it almost amusing. I wouldn't pin her for that kind of girl. When I look at Tash she seems more the type to go for the cocky rich kid, like I used to be.
"Can I take Tony's shift tonight? He's got something to do and I could use the overtime but he told me to clear it with Lily. I tried to ask her but she ignored me and ran into the bathroom."
"She ran?" I sit up straight. "Like ran or hurried?"
"I don't know." He laughs.
I stand. "Yeah, take the shift." I quickly walk around him to the bathroom. With a knock, I try the handle but it's locked and she's not answering.
"Mr. J, you have a call," Veronica calls to me.
"Not right now."
"It's important. It's Karen's mom."
This bitch just won't stop!
"Lily?" I knock on the door.
She pulls the door open and straightens her blouse a little. "There is another bathroom," she says, pushing past me.
"Mr. J?" Veronica waves the phone around.
"Put it in my office," I snap and head to Lily's office.
"Tash, can you give us a moment? We're discussing your possible termination," I say to her with a tight grin.
"Not funny, Mr. J." She rolls her eyes and walks out of the room with her clipboard in hand. She's so funny. She walks around taking notes all day and reports to Lily.
On Tash's way out, she closes the door and I lock it.
"Ian, I have a lot to get done. Can we discuss whatever this is at home?"
"No." I round her desk and I spin her chair so she's facing me. "Stand up."
"Ian, stop. We are not going to have sex right now." Her pissed off tone doesn't stop me from pulling her up and I start unbuttoning her blouse. "Stop, Ian. Don't do this here," she says, fighting me.
I have to see if she cut herself. When we were in Paris she told me she wouldn't. She told me she didn't need to anymore, that I made those feelings go away. She swore she'd talk to me before cutting.
As I unbutton, she buttons.
"Dammit, Lily," I growl and rip open her blouse, sending buttons flying through the air.
She gasps and it causes her to drop her arms, so I yank her shirt down. There's a paper towel neatly folded on her arm.
"Lily," I breathe, grabbing the back of her neck and pushing my forehead to hers.
"Mr. J?" Veronica buzzes into Lily's office for me.
"What!" I shout.
"It really is an emergency. She needs to speak to you. I'm sorry." The timidity in her tone by my outburst annoys the shit out of me.
I kiss Lily's forehead then close her blouse. When I exit, I shut her office door and go into the Vanity room to get her another shirt; a long sleeve button up sweater. When I enter she's still standing there staring at the ground, looking lost and beat down.
"Talk to me, baby," I plead while sliding her ruined blouse off. After helping her with the new blouse I rub my thumb over her lip. "I wish you would talk to me," I say softly, kissing her lips.
She picks up her blouse and angrily throws it into the garbage. Plopping into her chair she lowers her head into the palm of her hand and starts to cry.
"Baby." I kneel in front of her and take her free hand. She won't look at me as tears sob from her.
A loud knock comes over the door and Tash frantically calls out, "Mr. J?"
I huff, releasing Lily's hand and storm to the door pulling it open angrily.
"You need to take this call," she says quietly with a look of trepidation on her face.
If the bitch is being irate I have no problem telling her off and restricting her calls. I don't have time to deal with this family anymore. They've bled my bank account and my relationship.
I'm fucking done!
While Ian was talking to Tash, Lilith quickly wiped her tears away and pulled it together. Tash walked into the office with raised eyebrows and a cringe from worry on her face.
"Were you crying?" she quickly asked.
"No, I think I'm sick," Lilith replied, putting her hand to her stomach. "I threw up," she lied.
"What can I get you, Lily?" Tash seemed to have forgotten about the call that had her cringing.
"What's going on?" Lilith asked. "She being insane? Did she harass Veronica again?"
"Oh." With a reminder of the phone call, the look returned to her face. "No." She wasn't giving much information.
"What'd she do?" Lilith chuckled a little worried. She stood, staring at Tash and Tash shrugged with uncertainty.
Lilith's worried chuckle escaped again and she hurried to Ian's office. Ian held the phone to his ear, his forehead rested in the palm of his hand, his elbow bent on his desk. She couldn't see his face and he didn't look up when she entered the room.
"Okay," he said into the phone and his voice cracked. "Be in touch." He very slowly hung up then raised his head even slower to look at Lilith. Tears pooled in his eyes and Lilith gasped going to the door, closing and locking it.
"Ian." She hurried to his side.
He spun his chair and grabbed her, pushing his face to her stomach and broke down in tears.
"Oh my god, baby." Trembles vibrated through her, not understanding why he was in tears. She grabbed his head and slid down so she could be face to face with him. "Ian, tell me." Her heart was pounding. Seeing him cry was heart wrenching and terrifying at the same time.
"She's dead," he stammered through his tears.
Lilith quickly grabbed a few tissues and wiped his nose. "Who's dead, baby?" She knew the answer but wanted the verbal confirmation.
"She killed herself." He was sobbing. "She hung herself."
Standing again, she held his head to her stomach trying to stiffen her muscles to stop the trembling in her body. That wasn't something she would cry over but it killed her he was upset. After giving him a few minutes, she sunk to her knees and began cleaning the tears from his face.
"Look at me, baby." She held his face. "You should go to your mom's for a few hours until I leave work."
"No!" The fearful tone of his voice almost made her gasp. "I need you, Lily."
She wrapped her arms around him and held him until he calmed down. "I can't sit in here all day, baby." She wiped away his nonstop tears then wiped his nose. "I have to tend to the girls. I have Tanya coming in for pictures in twenty minutes." She spoke in a soft tone that soothed him.
"I'll be fine." He cleared his throat and grabbed a tissue, blowing his nose. "I'll be fine," he repeated.
She didn't want to insist he wouldn't, but she was worried about him.
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fine." Unable to look at her, he turned back to his desk and immediately grabbed his computer mouse.
Lilith kissed his temple softly. "I'm sorry, baby," she whispered and kissed his cheek, slowly exiting.
Leaving his door open only a crack, she fixed her shirt and cleared her throat, trying to calm down. She walked into her office and Tash stared at her. Lilith didn't make eye contact until she sat down.
"Karen?" Tash whispered.
Lilith shook her head yes and Tash gasped. In an attempt to forget about the desolation she was positive Ian would be feeling, she brought her attention back to her computer.
Ashley loudly made an entrance fifteen minutes later because she was taking Tanya's picture so they could advertise for the new product: pregnancy dates.
"Hey, sexy bitch. You too, Tashy," Ashley boasted, sitting down.
Tash forced a smile then saw Lilith look at her and she knew that meant leave the room. Tash squeezed Ashley's shoulder and walked out without saying anything.
"What's going on?" As
hley asked looking back at the closed door. "Something wrong? With Ian? Is Ian okay?" She sat up straight, almost standing to rush to his office.
"It's Karen," Lilith said.
"Fuck that bitch. She's not dead yet?" Ashley rolled her eyes. Lilith's eyes enlarged and that was answer enough. Ashley put her hand to her mouth with a quiet gasp. "She's dead?" she whispered and Lilith slowly shook her head yes. "Oh fuck." Her eyes drifted around the office. "Ian?"
"He's not taking it well. He won't leave though. I told him to go to your house until I got off work. I don't want him to be alone."
"He's that tore up?" she snickered.
"He loves her, Ashley."
"No he doesn't," she scoffed. "He loves you."
"He still loved her too. He may not have realized it, but he does. It is possible you know." Lilith's tone became crass. "To love two people at once." She glared at Ashley who looked away, knowing exactly what she was referring to.
"I'm gonna go see him."
"Can you get him out of here? He needs to leave."
"Yeah, okay." She exhaled. She genuinely didn't care Karen was dead, but the worry for her brother broke her heart.
A joint meeting Lilith and Ian were supposed to attend together had Lilith nervous, but she confidentially took care of business before rushing home to be with him, where he was dressed to workout.
"Baby?" she softly said.
"I have to clear my head a little." The blankest gaze peered at her through his two colored eyes.
"Are you going upstairs?"
"The gym." He began to tie his laces.
"Do you want me to go with you?" The last thing he needed was to be alone.
"No, Lily." Almost sounding annoyed, he stood.
"Okay," she quietly responded.
Approaching her, he put his hand to the back of her head and pulled her forehead to his lips, then gently rested his head on hers. "I love you, Lily. You know that, right?" His tone, the odd question, the soft embrace, it all gave her a shock of fear and she quickly grabbed him, holding him tightly.
"Stay here," she said worriedly.
