Tess: "Yes."
She wanted to remember? This was after I told her about the episodes I was with her that she didn't remember. I felt a surge of hope. If she could remember… I couldn't finish that thought. What happened next made my stomach twist.
Dr. G: "I would like to speak with Lydia.(Pause) Lydia? Are you there?"
Tess: "What's up, Doc? You miss me?"
I felt my muscles clench. The voice was still Tess, but just barely. It was higher, sharper.
"Meet Lydia," Dr. Geoffrey announced with a smile, then folded his arms across his chest and continued to listen.
Dr. G: "Lydia, how have you been?"
Tess: "Oh, you know. Same as always."
Dr. G: "You haven't gotten into any trouble lately?"
Tess: "Ha! I'm always looking for an adventure, Doc. You know that. Ugh, is it hot in here? My neck feels so hot. I need to chop this crap off."
Dr. G: "Oh, I don't think so. Remember what Benny said about that. Just put it up into a pony tail, I'll tell Stacy to turn down the heat."
There was some rustling, the sound of the door opening and shutting and then silence. She must have moved around in her chair because the leather groaned. Then she was humming, but she started giggling and the leather squeaked again. There was a popping sound and then loud breathing.
"Lydia likes to mess with me a bit," Dr. G huffed and looked over at Tess who was resting her chin in her hands. "You'll see."
Tess: "Hey, Doc. Are you listening to this?"
She was whispering into the recorder and you could hear the smile in her voice.
Tess: (Heavy breathing in and out) "Dr. Geoffreeeeeyyyyy," (singing his name)
The doctor picked up the recorder and started to fast forward with a chuckle, "I was only gone 2 minutes but she moved around the room holding this and rambling on about why she thinks I need to go back to medical school. Then she says she hid my pen," he gestured to the empty silver pen stand on his desk, "still haven't found it."
Tess smiled, but didn't say anything. Then he put the recorder back down and let it play.
Dr. G: "Okay, Lydia, I think that's enough. I'll not wear this shirt to another of our appointments, if you promise not to cut your hair."
Tess: "Oh, thank God! That I can do. Just please, yellow? It looks awful on you, Doc."
Dr. G: "I'll keep that in mind. Now, we were talking about that boy you mentioned seeing several years ago. Have you seen him again lately?"
Tess: "No. Not in person. Tess has all the luck with that one. I have been dreaming about him a lot lately. God, he is so handsome. Greenest eyes you've ever seen." (Long pause and a loud sigh) "I miss him."
Dr. G: "Have you tried to communicate with Theresa lately? Maybe she can talk to him for you."
Tess: "Yeah right, she isn't ready for that. I don't blame her, but still…"
Her voice sounded sad and quiet. I looked over at Tess and she was looking back at me intensely. My heart sped up and I wanted to reach out to her. I knew they were talking about me and for some reason, it pleased me that the other parts of Tess remembered me. Cared about me.
Dr. G: "Thank you for being cooperative today, Lydia. I think we are done for now. I'll see you again soon. Would that be alright?"
Tess: "Sure, Doc."
Dr. G: "Good." (Long pause, then a few pen clicks) "Can I see Theresa now?" (Pause) "Theresa, are you there?"
Tess: (Loud sob, then muffled words) "I don't think I can do this."
Dr. G: "What happened, Theresa? What has you so upset, today?"
Tess: "What if he can't accept it? What if I spend the rest of my life trying to fill in bits and pieces and never really getting there? What happens if I switch on my wedding day and I can't remember it? Or if I have kids and… can't take care of them. What then? I can't keep doing this knowing that I'll be hurting the people around me. That I will be hurting him again. I can't hurt him again."
Dr. G: "That's why we are here, Theresa. To learn to live with it. To learn the triggers and to maybe one day bring it all together and understand how to adapt to taking care of several people at once. Or just make it a little easier. If you can accomplish that, it won't be so hard to help the people you love accomplish it as well."
Tess: (sniff) "I know."
He instructed her through a few more exercises with the hypnosis before he woke her up.
Dr. G: "Let's take a break for today. Next time will be a little more difficult. Take the weekend and just try to relax and forget about the worries in the future. Let's focus on now. We are going to attempt to find the root of this. If we can find a way to deal with the cause, maybe we can find a way to deal with the effects. Each alter has different needs and fears as you do. We need to figure those out."
Tess: "Okay."
Dr. G slowly picked up the recorder and switched it off. Then he pressed some buttons and the red light came on indicating it was recording.
"You ready, Theresa?"
She nodded then looked over at me, terrified and pale.
"Nothing, Tess," I reminded her.
Her face softened and she relaxed back into the chair and focused on Dr. Geoffrey.
"Let's begin."
It didn't take long until Tess had her eyes closed and the doctor said she was fully under. He waited a few seconds before addressing her again. "Theresa? Are you there?"
"Yes," she said lazily. She looked so peaceful and calm, then after a few more seconds, her eyes opened and the calm was gone. "I'm nervous," she said.
"Don't be, my dear. We are prepared for anything today."
She nodded and kept her gaze on him.
"Close your eyes, Theresa. I want you to think back to the first time you felt the disconnection." His voice was smooth and firm. He obviously knew what he was doing and it gave me a little more reassurance that what was happening, was okay.
"It's hard. It was a long time ago," Tess muttered and squeezed her eyes shut a little tighter.
"I know, Theresa. Don't rush it."
Her eyes snapped open and she narrowed her eyes. She wasn't looking at the doctor though. It was like she was seeing something else. "He was there. He was more clumsy than usual and he smelled like stale bread and rotten meat. I don't think he had showered for several days."
"Who is the man, Theresa?"
"My father. He hated me. I know he did. I always pretended to be somewhere else when he came home like that. Mom would yell at him and he would just stumble around the house."
Dr. G was scribbling on his notepad as she spoke, then looked up and asked, "The disconnection. Did you feel it then?"
She nodded, "It was the first time I didn't have to try so hard. I saw myself somewhere else and he started yelling at me, but I don't know what he was saying."
"How long did it last?"
"I don't know. I remember Mom coming into the room and making him leave. He came back without her, though. It felt like I was looking down at him. I saw him throw me into my bookshelf, then I don't remember anything until the next day when Mom was crying and lifting my shirt to see the bruise."
Her voice was hesitant, but she kept going. "My dad was walking out the door with a suitcase and she was yelling at him and telling him to never come back. He looked at me and I got scared again, but then… he looked so strange." Her brow furrowed like she was trying really hard to remember something. "His eyes got really wide and he practically ran out the door. He looked just as scared as I felt."
Dr. G kept scribbling on his note pad and waited. I was staring at Tess and my stomach felt like it was about to crawl up my throat. That bastard! She was only 6 years old when Sarah kicked her ex-husband out. I felt the anger build in my chest, but when Tess closed her eyes again and stiffened, I put it on hold. It was seconds. That's it, but everything about her changed.
The doctor cleared his throat and shifted in his chair. "Theresa? Are you still there?"
She opened her eyes and looked straight at him and glared. The look on he
r face was familiar and brought me back to that night so many years ago when I witnessed her shatter.
"Shit!" Dr. Geoffrey exclaimed and hurried to the door. I didn't expect him to be anything but a stoic professional, which told me that this new development wasn't expected or desired today. At all.
Tess stayed in her chair, stiff and looking like she was about to snap into a million pieces. Dr. G called out to a couple of people and all I heard were loud footsteps getting closer. My eyes never left her and the urge to go to her was overpowering. She was beautiful, but so cold and angry.
She turned her head to look at me and her eyes widened. They were almost black, so different from the beautiful caramel and chocolate I could stare at forever, and they focused on my face, pinning me to my chair. Her expression softened infinitesimally, but not enough to wipe the fury away. Then she stood and took a step toward me.
"Are you going to hurt me?" she growled.
Her question surprised me, but she didn't look scared of me or even the slightest bit worried if the answer would ever be in the affirmative. It was almost as if she were threatening me. I spoke slowly and quietly, "No, Tess. I'm not going to hurt you."
Dr. G looked back into the room when I spoke and looked stunned. "Maybe you should--"
I raised my hand to stop him from talking, but kept my eyes on Tess. The sudden movement made her jerk in alarm, but she didn't step any closer.
"I know you won't hurt Tess," she sneered. "I asked if you are going to hurt me?" Her voice was hard and low. Completely different from Tessa's. She took another slow step toward me, but I held still, worried that I was going to scare her if I moved. This was still Tess, no matter what, this was still my Tess.
"I would never hurt you, Camryn."
She flinched back in surprise at hearing her name, but recovered quickly. "Yeah, sure! That's what they all say, but they always lie. Go ahead and do it. I'd rather you hurt me than her. I can take it!" She tilted her head slightly, "You'll regret it, though," she warned.
I stood then, slowly and cautiously, and she stiffened. Her jaw twitched and her eyes narrowed again, but I saw something that she was trying to hide. Something that Tess could never hide when she was struggling to control her emotions, but Camryn didn't know that. Her lips trembled, so slightly that I would have missed it if I didn't know to look for it. She was about to break down.
"Camryn, I would never hurt you," I said sincerely. "You are a part of Tess… and I love Tess." I swallowed hard and inched closer, "I want to help you protect her."
"I don't need any help!" she screamed, looking more and more like she was going to fall to her knees. Looking further and further from the Tess I knew, but she was still in there.
I saw Dr. Geoffrey and two other tall figures in the doorway out of the corner of my eye. I prayed they stayed where they were or Camryn was going to lose it. She must have noticed because she whirled around and grabbed the chair she had been sitting in, tipping it over and letting out a scream that sounded more like a growl.
I just reacted. I moved toward her faster than I had ever moved before, and wrapped my arms around her. She struggled to get away, but I held her tightly against me. She jerked in my arms and tried to turn to face me. When I let her and looked down at her face, the look in her eyes tore through my chest. She was so scared. Panicked.
"Let me go!" she bit out, but the shake in her voice didn't help the fierceness of her words.
I buried my face in her hair next to her ear. "Never," I whispered.
Her whole body uncoiled and she leaned into me as if she couldn't stand on her own. I held her up and she buried her face in my chest, breathing deeply and trying to hold back the sobs rising in her chest. "I'm here, Tess. Baby, come back to me. I'm here."
Her sobs tore out of her and her knees buckled. I lifted her into my arms and moved over to the couch on the other side of the room, cradling her against my chest and rocking her back and forth with my face buried in her hair. Her hands came up around my neck and she clung to me.
"My God," I heard the doctor breathe.
But as far as I was concerned, it was just Tess and me. I kept telling her I was there and I wasn't letting her go, murmuring in her ear that everything would be okay. She cried for a long time. We sat there for over an hour before she fell asleep in my arms.
Dr. Geoffrey spoke a few words, attempting to release her from the hypnosis, but nothing changed. He left the room quietly while Tess broke down in my arms and hadn't disturbed us, so when he walked back into the room, I knew it was time to go. "She needs to come back Thursday and you need to come with her," he said from the direction of his desk.
"She needs a break from all of this," I replied hotly. "She is wearing down and this time won't be so easy to recover for her."
"Yes, I think she does need a break, but she doesn't want it."
"I'm leaving town Thursday morning." I ran my fingers through her hair like I had been doing since she fell asleep and looked up at the doctor.
"Then next week," he demanded.
I nodded, then stood with Tess in my arms, careful not to jostle her too much, and carried her out of the office. The nurses were all standing around staring at us until we made it to the door. She stirred when I put her in the passenger seat of my car, but didn't open her eyes. I realized at that moment that she must not have slept all weekend, worried about me coming with her. I had caused her more stress than I initially thought and I silently cursed myself for doing that to her.
Maybe she had been right about keeping me at a distance. No. We could get through this together. I just needed to be more attentive to what she needed from me. But she was not right about doing this on her own and I was not going to let her push me away because she thought I would be better off without her. No way would I be better off. We just needed to get through this, to understand it better and learn to live with it. I could handle it. But I wondered if she could. She was wearing so thin and I couldn't help but wonder if she was giving up.
For the first time in years, I felt the very real fear that I would lose her forever and I wasn't sure that I would actually survive it.
Chapter 12
Tessa
I woke up in my bed late Monday afternoon, panicked and disoriented. I scurried down the stairs to find Charlie sitting in the living room with my mother looking subdued. When he looked up to see me walk into the room toward him, he jumped up and hauled me into his arms.
I wanted to pull away, at first. I needed to know what happened before I let him get any closer to me, but in his arms, I felt strong and complete. He buried his face in my neck, inhaling deeply, and a flash of something came into my mind. I pulled back but kept my hands on his shoulders.
"Are you okay?" he asked warily.
I tried to focus on what I saw, what I felt, but before I could get a grasp on it, it was gone. It felt like trying to recall a dream that was forgotten the moment you wake, on the very edge of your mind.
I pulled out of his arms completely, shaking off the feeling that I had missed something extremely important. "What happened?"
He searched my eyes and his expression dropped, disillusioned. "You don't remember anything at all?"
I sat down on the couch and dropped my head in my hands, trying to play out everything in my mind. The last thing I remembered was listening to the recording, then relaxing into the chair while the doctor started the process we had done several times before. I remembered feeling nervous that I would do or say something that I would regret later or that one of the alters would do or say something to Charlie that would make him question everything he had previously known. I remembered feeling the worry build the closer I got to going under.
I shook my head and looked back to Charlie, hoping to hide my guilt. "Nothing after he started the hypnosis. I feel like maybe… I don't know."
Another flash went through my mind. An image of Charlie looking down at me determined, but it was foggy, almost like something I dreamed or…
Oh, God. Why did I have to agree to bring him?
Charlie sighed, but sat down next to me, close enough for his leg to brush mine. Mom was wringing her hands and looking like she wanted to burst with questions.
"Mom, go ahead and ask. I'll need to hear it, too."
She let out a short breath and sat in the recliner across from us. "All Charlie told me was that something happened that he couldn't really explain. I knew when he came in carrying you that it was something big. We've been waiting for you to wake up."
I looked down at my hands, straining to keep the question I really wanted to ask inside. Was he disgusted with me now? Was I better off leaving this place again and staying away?
I didn't feel like anything was going to change, I was completely disconnected from the person I used to be and I didn't feel stable enough or hopeful enough to go back to her. There was just too much in the way.
"Please tell me you don't have to knock yourself out again," my mom pleaded.
Charlie looked over at me for confirmation. He obviously didn't want that either. "I don't know, Mom. Did the doctor tell you anything?" I asked Charlie.
He shook his head and rubbed the palms of his hands on his jean clad thighs. "Nothing about any medication, but you were asleep already so I don't think it will be necessary. He did say that…"
He looked at me nervously and my stomach twisted. "What? What did he say?"
He took a deep breath and looked down at his hands, looking unsure of himself which was quite rare these days. "He said he wanted me with you the next time you go in."
My muscles went rigid and I felt my eyes squeeze shut so tightly, I thought my eyelids would fuse together. It was hard enough to let him come this time. I hadn't slept at all since the night he asked and I don't remember a lot of what happened in those two days since. All I remember is Mom looking concerned anytime I walked into the room.
"Charlie--"
"Wait. Don't," he said and put a hand on my knee. "I'm leaving town on Thursday for New York. I told him you needed a break and before you argue about it, he agreed even though he knew you wouldn't like it."
Every One Of Me Page 11
