by A. K. Evans
Stone reached his hand out to me. I put my hand in his and the next thing I knew he hauled me up against his body. His arms were around me instantly, his face nuzzling my neck. As much as I needed this, I knew he needed it, too. And that just made my heart break more.
My knees buckled, but Stone took my weight. I wanted to break down and give in to the sobs threatening to take over, but I needed this. I needed to memorize the feel of him because I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’d never in my life ever feel again with anyone else what I felt with Stone. Beyond this moment, I knew that if he was ending this there was no way I’d be able to be around him anymore. At least, not for a good while. It would be too painful for me.
Stone held me for a long time. I think it was just as difficult for him to let me go as it was for me to let him go. When I finally dropped my arms and stepped back, I knew I had something I needed to say to him.
“I’m devastated right now. I hoped that I would have been enough -- that I’d have been able to help you through your heartache. I am destroyed, Stone, that you believe there is no hope for us together. You know what hurts more than all of that, though? My heart feels like it’s stuck in my throat and my stomach gets this cold feeling in it when I look in your eyes and see the pain that you’re in. If I could take that pain away from you, I would and I wouldn’t have to think twice about it. For the last week, whenever I’d say something and you’d burst out laughing, I always felt proud. I felt honored to have done something that, even if only for seconds at a time, made you forget what cut you so deep. That’s how I know that this was love. That this is love. I would sacrifice myself so that you wouldn’t ever have to feel an ounce of the pain and agony I see you in every single day.”
“Baby…” he whispered, as his voice trailed off. “I never meant to hurt you like this. I never meant to hurt you at all.”
“I know, Stone. It’s okay. After you walk out the door and out of my life tonight, I want you to know that I love you. I will always love you. You are the only man I’ve ever loved, and I’m certain, you’re the only man I’ll ever love. Thank you for giving me the chance to experience that.”
“Fuck, Monroe. You’re standing here being the strongest woman in the world and I don’t know how you’re doing it.”
I looked away when I admitted, “I’m not strong at all. The second you walk out the door I’m going to fall to the floor in a fit of tears and cry myself to sleep.”
“I don’t think I want to walk out the door then.”
We stood there in silence, minutes passing, with neither of us making a move. Finally, I let courage and a bit of selfishness take over when I held out my hand and asked, “Will you come with me? I want you to listen to something before you go.”
“Okay.”
I took his hand and walked him down the hall to my bedroom. I found my phone, scrolled to the song I wanted him to hear, and pushed play. The piano started playing and then Adele’s magical voice came through the speaker as she sang All I Ask. I stood there in front of Stone, his hand in mine as I watched him while he listened to the words. At some point in the song, I squeezed his hand a little tighter and his eyes came to mine. He realized what I was asking him to do for me in that moment. The song had just nearly finished when he took the phone from my hand. He set it down on the nightstand and turned back to me.
His face softened and his eyes were vulnerable. His hand came up to cup my cheek as his thumb stroked back and forth across my jaw.
“Angel, are you sure this is what you want?”
“Yes.”
He searched my face looking for something. I’m not sure what and I don’t know if he found it, but the next thing I knew his lips were on mine. It was slow and sweet. Stone’s tongue slipped into my mouth and moved against mine.
I brought my hands up to his shoulders and pushed his jacket off them. It fell to the floor as I reached for the hem of his shirt and lifted it. His mouth left mine to move the fabric out of the way. With his torso bared, Stone took my shirt up over my head. I had no bra on. His fingertips traced patterns delicately over my skin. His mouth followed. I savored this. Every touch of his hands, every swipe of his tongue, every kiss of his lips. I was committing every one of them to memory. I never wanted to forget what this felt like. Stone’s hands traveled further down my abdomen to the waistband of my sweats. They were loose fitting, so a simple push down over my ass and they fell to the floor. My panties went down at the same time.
My hand came to the belt at his waist. I worked the leather and opened the buckle before I moved my fingers to the button and zipper of his jeans. I pushed both his jeans and boxer briefs down his legs. When they settled at his feet, Stone kicked off his boots and socks before stepping out of the clothes.
Stone wrapped a hand behind my back and another behind my knees. He picked me up and carried me over to the bed where he gently laid me down on my back and settled himself between my parted thighs.
Stone filled me.
He began moving, slowly, in and out of me.
Then it happened.
The fear crept in.
I was scared.
Afraid of never feeling this again. Never having him again. Terrified that this was the last I’d ever be like this with him and that I’d forget what it felt like.
The worry overwhelmed me and the tears leaked from my eyes.
Strong hands framed my face and Stone’s gentle voice begged, “Monroe, please don’t cry.”
“I’m scared,” I admitted.
Stone continued to move while he asked, “What are you scared of?”
“What if I forget?”
“Forget what?”
I closed my eyes, trying to memorize the feel of him moving in me. When I opened them I confessed, “You. This. What if I forget what you feel like?”
A look of sadness spread across his face.
“I don’t want to forget you, Stone.”
“You won’t, my angel. I promise you won’t.”
“Will you forget me?”
“Never, baby. Not ever.”
That was it. We didn’t say any more words. Stone moved slowly, drawing out this time together. Making it last, making it memorable. He built me up, unhurriedly. The closer I got, the quicker my breaths came. There was so much emotion, I couldn’t hold back any longer.
“Let it go, Monroe.”
“I don’t want it to end,” I admitted as my tears continued to fall. I wasn’t referring to what was physically happening right now, and I think Stone knew it.
“I know you don’t, angel. You’ll be okay, though. Just let it go."
When it hit, I couldn’t control what came out of my mouth.
“Oh God, Stone. I love you so much.”
He dropped his head to my face and took my mouth. As he kissed me, he groaned through his orgasm.
Stone quickly rolled to take his weight off me and went to his back. He slid out of me, but pulled me into his side. We stayed like that a long time, catching our breath and coming down from the physical pleasure we both had just experienced.
I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically I felt like I had been through the wringer. I could barely hold my eyes open when I whispered, “Don’t leave me, Stone. Don’t make me say good-bye to you. Please…just stay with me.”
I was nearly asleep when I heard him respond, “I can’t, baby. I’m so sorry.”
The fight left me and I gave in to the exhaustion.
When I woke the next morning, Stone was gone and I was alone.
Chapter 18
Monroe
I never understood what was wrong with those women who made it seem like their lives had ended when they broke up with a boyfriend. Moping around and pouting because some guy decided to break things off. I always used to think that it was crazy to give that much effort and emotion into feeling bad about someone who clearly didn’t deserve it in most cases. I mean, if the guy couldn’t realize that you were someone worth being with,
then that was his loss. Right?
What a judgmental bitch I was.
It was now Thursday morning and I still felt like my life had ended. And I guess, in some ways, it did. My love life pretty much died so there was that. My sex life died and that was such a shame considering it barely had a chance to even grow. Mostly, though, my chance at a fairy-tale romance died.
The worst part about all of it was that I knew this was going to happen and I threw myself into it anyway. Stone told me there would never be a forever. I should have heeded his warning and not allowed this to happen, but I couldn’t fight my attraction to him.
Deep down I also believed that I would be able to help him get past it.
That I could be his cure.
I was wrong.
Unfortunately, because of my desperate attempt to find a happily-ever-after ending, my week leading up to today was total shit.
When I woke up Monday morning to find that Stone had officially left me sometime in the middle of the night after I had fallen asleep, I wanted nothing more than to stay in my bed the rest of the day. I wanted to remember making love to him the night before. Yes, making love. I’m certain he wouldn’t have called it that, but I was because that’s what I had been doing. Making love to him while trying to memorize every bit of him.
Sadly, as much as I wanted to stay in the last place I had been with Stone, I couldn’t stay in my bed.
My bed.
My bed that now smelled like him.
On that thought, I broke down into tears and cried.
As good as it would have felt to do nothing, I couldn’t. I had my two new employees that were starting their jobs with me and I needed to get to work. So, I managed (just barely) to get myself out of bed so that I could get ready and leave.
Monday at the studio was brutal. I tried to stay distracted with preparations for the grand opening, but my heart hurt too much. My thoughts kept drifting to Stone. By late afternoon, I sent Nikki a text.
Me: Hey. At the studio now. You going to be around later tonight?
Nikki: Yes. Got in early this morning so I didn’t make it to the salon. Want to get there early tomorrow, so I’m staying in tonight.
Me: Stone came by last night. Need you. And the girls.
Nikki: You’ve got me, babe. You’ve got them too. We’ll be here when you get home.
Me: Thanks.
Nikki: I can order in or make something for dinner. What do you want?
Me: I have no appetite.
Nikki: Oh, mama. Alright, I’ll see you later then.
I finished my day at the studio and was so grateful for Lexi and Jenna. They were a tremendous help. To add to it, they got along great. We had a couple of walk-ins who signed up for classes and Lexi took care of getting them situated after I showed her what needed to be done. We left the studio around dinner time.
I drove home and when I pulled into the parking lot I immediately spotted Charley’s bright orange Jeep. I felt my eyes already getting wet. I parked, got out, and walked to the door of the condo. I stuck my key in the lock, opened it, and pushed through the door.
The minute I walked in and closed the door behind me, I looked up to see my girls standing there in front of me. I completely lost it. They instantly wrapped me up in their arms and held on tight. I must have stood there with them crying for a solid ten minutes before they ushered me into the family room.
After a bit of encouragement, I managed to tell them everything that had happened with Stone. I cried through most of my story and they cried right along with me.
“I tried everything I could think of to get Wes to tell me,” Charley began. “He’s not talking. He knows I’m going to tell you and he doesn’t think it should come from me.”
“Same here,” Emme said. “Zane rarely tells me no. In fact, he always complains about the fact that he can’t ever say no to me, but he’s not budging on this. All he did say was that what Stone went through was traumatic. He said that he doesn’t think it should stop Stone from pursuing something with you, but when whatever it was happened Stone felt it deep. Ever since it went down Stone’s been guarded. Zane did say that, up until Friday’s turn of events at Lou’s, he’s seen Stone smiling more in the last week than he ever has in the last fourteen years.”
“I really didn’t want to put Luke in a bad position, but after you texted me earlier today I called him. I told him what I knew from you, which obviously wasn’t much, and he let out a frustrated sigh. He told me he wasn’t going to betray Stone by sharing his story, but he said Stone was like a brother to him. Luke said he really thought you were the key to helping him get past what he went through and it kills him to see Stone with anguish in his eyes every day. He said he’s seen that same look in him since Stone moved in with Luke and his family years ago.”
“He moved in with Luke and his family?” I asked, shocked at this news.
“Yeah. Luke said they were still kids, but didn’t tell me anything else.”
“He’s never talked about his family?” Charley asked.
I shook my head.
“I get where he’s coming from,” Emme added. “I mean, I don’t know what happened, but I understand him not wanting to talk about it. When bad stuff happens, you don’t want to relive it. Look how long I kept what was happening to me from the three of you. Zane started tearing down my walls and the last thing I wanted was the ugliness from my past tarnishing the beauty that I eventually saw I could have with him.”
“The first night we slept together he said something that bothered me. After he found out I was a virgin, he was upset by what he had said about me that night we were at Lou’s. I told him that he had already apologized for it, that I forgave him for it, and that I didn’t want him holding on to that. He looked at me and said that I really was an angel and that he didn’t deserve someone like me. It broke my heart to hear him say something that indicated he thought so little of himself. I wish I knew why.”
Nikki put her hand on top of mine and said, “Unfortunately, you might not get that answer, babe. You’ve not heard anything from him today have you?”
My eyes filled with tears again.
Fuck.
Was it going to be like this every single time I thought about how much I missed him?
“No. I don’t think I will either. It was pretty final last night. I don’t know how to get past the pain, though. It hurts so bad.”
“You need time, honey. You’ll get there.”
“I can’t see him. If I see him when I feel like this…I can’t see him.”
“Okay, mama. We’ll make sure that doesn’t happen,” Emme reassured me.
The girls spent the next few hours with me before I decided to call it a night. They tried to get me to eat, but I couldn’t. The thought of food really turned my stomach.
Tuesday and Wednesday were much of the same. I spent both days with Jenna and Lexi preparing for the grand opening. They were incredible and the studio looked fantastic. Nikki and I took the girls out in my massive Yukon on Wednesday to pick up the hors d’oeuvres and refreshments we needed.
My mind stayed distracted throughout the day, which helped immensely. The problem for me came both evenings when it was time to go home. The minute I was alone, my mind was consumed with thoughts of Stone. I missed him terribly and I couldn’t eat. To top it off, I barely slept over the last few days.
So now it was Thursday morning and tonight was the grand opening. I needed to try to find a way to put on a happy face. Inside I was dying, but I made a choice to start a new life out here and that was what I was going to have to try to figure out how to do.
As I was contemplating how I was going to accomplish this feat my cell phone chimed with a text. I picked it up, looked at the display, and couldn’t breathe.
A text from Stone.
Nothing for the last three days. Now this.
Wanted to wish you luck at your grand opening tonight. I hope it goes well for you.
My chest was bu
rning. My eyes were filling with tears.
He wasn’t going to be there.
I knew that already and didn’t think I could have been around him anyway, but for some reason the confirmation from him that he wouldn’t be there hurt like a bitch.
Why?
Why was it that at the exact moment I had made the decision to try to find a way to move on he had to contact me?
I couldn’t feed into this. It would only make it worse for me. I loved him, but I needed to love me more if I was going to heal myself. So, despite how badly I wanted to respond, I ignored his text and it made me feel like total shit.
I could still just barely smell Stone on my sheets and I didn’t want to leave the comfort that it brought me. His scent was fading, though. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t give to bring him back to me so I’d never have to think about what I’d do when I no longer had that aroma to soothe me. The more it faded, the worse I felt. It was difficult, but I finally managed to get myself out of bed.
Lacking motivation for anything I took my time getting ready. I wasn’t planning to head over to the studio until lunchtime, so I had no reason to rush myself. I took a shower and after I got out I put on a pair of panties and a t-shirt. Then, I climbed back in my bed. I stayed there for another half hour crying.
Was this ever going to get easier?
There was a knock at my bedroom door before I heard it open. When I rolled over, Nikki was walking in.
“Aw, mama. I heard you in the shower a little while ago; I thought you were in here getting ready,” she said as she walked over and climbed in my bed with me.
“He’s not here anymore.”
“I know, Monroe.” Her voice was gentle and comforting.
“No, I mean his scent. My bed smelled like him. I can just barely smell him now.”
Nikki grabbed my hand and held it tight before she confessed, “I’m so angry with him. I know that’s probably not fair considering he was honest with you up front about where what you two had couldn’t go, but I hate that he’s done this to you. He gave me his word that he would treat you with the respect you deserve and that he wouldn’t break your heart. Maybe he wasn’t disrespectful, but he has absolutely broken your heart. Oh, I’m so angry I could scream.”
