But he supposed they felt they were acting as her representatives, and of course there were financial implications. Jeremiah, as his son, was entitled to an equal share of his estate, so each of them would lose a percentage of their stake. Maybe that was what they wanted to discuss. Although he doubted it. His children weren’t like that.
Shaking his head slowly, he straightened his shoulders and went through into the sitting room, and the conversation stopped dead.
‘Well, don’t mind me,’ he murmured, and Lucy coloured.
Not Jack. He stood up, looked his father in the eye and said, ‘You’d better sit down. We’ve got Ed on the webcam.’
He nodded, glad that he’d be able to talk to his other son at last, and sat down opposite the laptop on the coffee table, with Jack and Lucy across from him, visible over the top. So he could see them all, and they could all see him. It was like an interview panel, he thought. Or a jury.
I swear by Almighty God...
‘Dad.’
He glanced down at Edward, his face moving a little jerkily but still very recognisable.
‘I’ve been trying to ring you,’ Nick told him.
‘I know. I didn’t answer because I don’t know what to say to you,’ Ed told him, his voice puzzled and hurt. ‘I can’t believe it—what the hell were you thinking of?’
Nick sighed and ran a hand through his hair. ‘There’s nothing I can say or do to change what happened, and I’m not going to make excuses,’ he told them all, ‘but I meant my vows to your mother, Edward, and I swear it was the only time.’
I swear by Almighty God...
‘It’s not that. That’s between the two of you. I just hope she never knew. It’s him I’m thinking about, a boy who thought for years that his father was dead when you could have been taking an active role in his life. Sure, it would have hurt Mum, but we were grown up, it was none of our business, and we could have spent time with him and made him feel wanted. That’s what’s so gutting, that he didn’t have any brothers or sisters there for him when we could have been, so easily.’
Nick shook his head. ‘I didn’t know. It was Kate’s decision not to tell me, and she made it for good reasons. Wrong ones, maybe, but still out of consideration for everyone involved, and there weren’t any right ones—’
‘Don’t palm it off on Kate. You’ve known for two years,’ Jack retorted, cutting in. ‘That’s two lost years he could have had a father. You should have said something sooner, Dad.’
‘How?’ he asked. ‘And when? She was with someone all last year, and she’s been ill. You know that. She’s had breast cancer. We could hardly tell him then, could we, with his life in turmoil and another man there ready and willing to act as his father? And before then, well, I guess I was still coming to terms with it—still in denial. I’m sorry you’re so angry with us, but the only person I can worry about at the moment is your little brother, and I’m afraid he’s taking all my time and thoughts right now.’
Edward frowned. ‘How did he take it?’
‘He doesn’t know yet. He’s still in a lot of pain. We’re going to tell him later, when he’s stronger, and when we’ve had some time to get to know each other. I’m hoping that with time we’ll be able to get to know each other better and he’ll learn to forgive us both, but I’m going to be part of his life now, come hell or high water, so I’m glad you’ve all accepted that, at least.’
‘Don’t worry about us. We’re big enough and ugly enough to take care of ourselves. It’s Jem we’re all worried about.’
He pinched the bridge of his nose, pressing his thumb and forefinger against his eyes before dragging his hand down his face. ‘Who the hell do you think I’m worried about?’ he asked hoarsely, scanning all their faces. ‘At the end of the day, I’ve done my bit for you lot. I haven’t even started with him. I owe him so much I don’t know where to begin—’
‘That’s what we want to talk to you about. You need to change your will, to make provision for him,’ Lucy said, and he glanced across at her and wondered if this had been her idea, his little girl, his peacemaker.
‘I already have,’ he said quietly. ‘I did it yesterday, as soon as I found out—as soon as I was sure. The amendment to the will is with my solicitors in St Piran waiting for my signature.’
‘And what about his schooling? We all went to private school. Where will he go?’
‘Wherever he wants, Jack. I would think the high school in Penhally, with his friends. I don’t want to change his life, I don’t have the right to interfere.’
Jack snorted, and he met the condemnation in his eyes with new understanding.
‘Is that how you saw my involvement in your lives? As interference?’
‘Somewhat,’ Edward said bluntly. ‘It was “My way or the highway”. No middle line, no grey areas, just black or white.’
Nick frowned. ‘That’s not how I see it at all. I did my best to be a good husband and father. I gave you guidelines. I thought that was what being a father was, but this—I don’t know how to deal with this, how to be a father to him now.’
‘Is that why you haven’t?’
He looked at her and let his breath out on a long, ragged sigh. ‘Yes. Yes, that’s exactly why. I want to be a good father to him, to all of you, but I just—I can’t seem to do it right, apparently. And with Jem—I didn’t even get the chance until recently, and it was so nearly too late...’
He broke off, squeezing his eyes shut, pinching the bridge of his nose again, determined to hold it all together in front of them, but it was all still so raw, the image of Jem lying there in Resus while they cut his clothes away and poured fluids into him etched on his memory in acid.
‘I still don’t understand how you ended up sleeping with Kate when you were married,’ Jack said, sounding so like him that at any other time it might have been funny. ‘All the morals you rammed down our throats as kids, and yet you could do that—and you ended up with a child you won’t even acknowledge! It’s just so damned unfair. At least we knew you loved us—and we thought you loved our mother.’
‘I did—and I love Jeremiah,’ he told them earnestly. ‘Don’t imagine for a moment that I don’t, and I fully intend to show him that, given a chance.’
‘You’re changing the subject,’ Jack said. ‘I want to know how the hell you came to have a random one-night stand with another woman totally out of the blue!’
‘I don’t think that’s any of your business,’ he began, but then he sighed and sat back, giving up the unequal struggle. If he ever hoped to make them understand, he had to explain at least some of it. He looked up and scanned their faces in turn.
‘You want to know? All right, I’ll tell you.’
‘Dad, you don’t have to,’ Lucy protested, but he shook his head.
‘I think I do—because it wasn’t totally out of the blue at all. Kate and I go back thirty-five years.’
‘We know you dated her.’
He smiled gently at Lucy. ‘It was rather more than that. I’d know her since I was fourteen, but I was seventeen when I first really became aware of her; she was only fifteen, though, so we took things slowly—walks up on the moors, swimming, surfing, going for picnics. We went to the cinema, I took her to a rock concert—all pretty innocent stuff. And we fell in love.’
He hesitated, remembering those halcyon days, and then he sucked in a breath and carried on. ‘I was in my last year at school, and I’d got into med school in London. We talked about me going away, and I promised I’d come back for her. She was sixteen by then, I was eighteen, and although we still weren’t sleeping together, that was pretty much a technicality. By the end of that last summer, I knew Kate’s body as well as I knew my own, and I cherished it. But I was going away, and people change, and I didn’t want to do anything that might hurt her later, so we held back from that last step. And then I met a girl during Freshers’ Week, a beautiful girl with stunning blonde hair and the most incredible blue eyes, while we were being dr
agged round on some crazy pub crawl in fancy dress, and somehow we ended up in her room. I woke up in the morning feeling sick and ashamed and appalled at what I’d done, but it was too late. She came to me a few weeks later in floods of tears and told me she was pregnant, and I didn’t know what to do. I just knew I had no choice but to ask her to marry me, and to make it work.’
‘And Kate?’ Lucy asked softly. ‘What happened about Kate?’
‘I came down and saw her, and for the first time ever I lied to her. I told her I’d met someone else and fallen in love, and I was going to marry her. I told her she was pregnant—and Kate was devastated. So was I, because I loved her so much—I never had to explain anything to her, I still don’t. She still understands me as no one else ever has, anticipates me, and somehow forgives me. She actually sent us a card, saying she hoped we’d be very happy together. And I did everything I could to be fair to Annabel, to be good to her, because it wasn’t her fault I’d got her in that mess, and she was lovely. It was no hardship being married to her, and if I didn’t think about Kate, it was OK. But even though I did everything I could to make it feel right, I couldn’t, not entirely, because my heart was with Kate and always has been. And even though I was with your mother, I always knew what was going on in Kate’s life—we went to her wedding to James, we saw them socially from time to time, and I managed to convince myself that we’d both moved on. Only I never really did, of course, and I don’t think she did.’
He tried to smile at them, but his mouth felt frozen. ‘I don’t know that I can explain what happened that night—the night of the storm. It was a few hours after my father and your Uncle Phil had died, and Kate’s husband had been washed out to sea.’
He filled in the details of the day, the rescue that had gone wrong and led to the death of three men, the horror of it. ‘Later that night your mother told me to find Kate, to see if he’d been found, and he hadn’t. She was still on the clifftop, so I took her home and tried to look after her, but she was falling apart, devastated, and so was I, and we just reached out to each other. We’ve never needed words, and we didn’t need them that night. We just hung on while the storm raged all around us, and afterwards I put her to bed and left her, and went back to your mother and tried to carry on.
‘And that’s what I’ve done for the past twelve years,’ he said, ‘tried to carry on, to keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other and not hurt too many people along the way. And then I find I have another child, a son, and we’re going to have to tell him, and yet again I’m going to hurt someone I love.’
He stopped, unsure what else, if anything, he could tell them, but there was nothing more of any relevance, so with a long, deep breath, he sat back and waited.
* * *
He’d told them things he’d never told anyone, not even Kate, and there was a long silence until Lucy knelt up beside him, put her arms round him and rested her head on his shoulder. ‘Dad, I’m so sorry,’ she whispered, and he could feel a wet patch forming on his shirt from her soundless tears.
He hugged her back, and she dragged in a shuddering breath and sat up. ‘Ed, are you OK?’ she asked.
Nick looked at Edward, clearly moved even on the jerky picture.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘We had no right to make you go through that. You were right, it was none of our damn business. Look, I’m going to go. Just—look after him, could you, and send him my love? I’ll write to him. You can give him the letter when you think he’s ready.’
‘Thanks.’
The screen went blank, and Lucy shut the laptop and leant back with a sigh, and he glanced across and saw Jack, stony-faced and silent, but he was far from unmoved, however tight his control.
‘Well—I suppose we ought to eat,’ Lucy said at last, and, unfolding her legs, she got off the sofa and went out. Seconds later, they heard her crying, and Ben’s voice murmuring quietly as he soothed her.
‘I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have told you all of that,’ Nick said softly, but Jack made a dismissive noise and shook his head.
‘No, I’m sorry. I owe you an apology. I thought—’
‘That it was some dirty little affair? That we’d gone out and got drunk? Believe me, that would have been easier to deal with.’
‘I’m sure. How’s Jem doing?’
‘Oh, he’s all right, I suppose. Still sore, still got the drain and the catheter, and I don’t think that pleases him, but maybe he’ll have them out tomorrow.’
‘Probably,’ Jack agreed. ‘Are they going to get him up?’
How odd, Nick thought, that Lucy could hug him and then go and cry, but Jack was here talking about his treatment, hanging onto normality. So like him, so ready to push his emotions aside if they became inconvenient or embarrassing.
But this business with Jem was teaching him a lot about his emotions, most of it uncomfortable, and he was learning to deal with them.
Ben appeared in the doorway. ‘Supper’s ready when you are. There’s no rush.’
‘It’s OK, we’re ready,’ Nick lied, because his guts were so knotted with tension he didn’t think he could possibly eat again.
* * *
‘So—what happens now?’ Lucy asked, and he shrugged.
‘I don’t know. We’re taking it a day at a time. I’ve found a converted barn to rent—it’s near here, you probably know it. St Adwen’s. It’s been for sale, but they haven’t managed to shift it, so they’re letting it, and it’s mostly single storey, with two bedrooms upstairs and two down, so when he comes out of hospital we’re going to stay there for a while until he recovers. It’ll give us a bit of privacy and time to be together as a family, without the pressure of having to buy anywhere.’
‘What about your house?’ Jack suggested. ‘That’s got a room downstairs he could use as a bedroom, and a shower room next to it.’
‘Neither of us would feel comfortable there, under the circumstances. It’s very much your mother’s house, but maybe it’s time I moved on.’
‘Meaning?’ Lucy asked, looking at him keenly.
He set his fork down, very precisely, and met her eyes.
‘I’m thinking of asking Kate to give me another chance. We’re going to see how it goes with Jem, but if I think we could make a go of it, I might ask her to marry me.’
Her eyes flooded again, and she got up and came and hugged him. ‘Oh, Dad. I’m so pleased. I’ve been so worried about you on your own, and Kate’s so lovely, and now we know how much you love her—’
‘Hey, hey, don’t jump the gun, I haven’t asked her yet and she certainly hasn’t said yes. It could all fall apart if Jem throws a hissy fit at the idea of us living together.’
She sat down again and propped her chin on her hand. ‘Do you think he will?’
He shrugged. ‘I really have no idea. He doesn’t know I’m his father yet, we still have to cross that hurdle, and I have no idea how he’ll react.’ He sighed. ‘Although with my track record maybe he’d be better off not knowing—’
His children both chipped in then, contradicting him, telling him he was a good father, the best...
‘What about “My way or the highway”?’ he quoted back at them from one of their recent conversations. ‘What about all the morals I stuffed down your throats?’
‘Well, at least you had principles, even if you weren’t always strong enough to stick to them,’ Jack said reasonably.
‘And you’ve always loved us, even if you were a bit tough and uncompromising, and we’ve always known that,’ Lucy said, reaching out and squeezing his hand. ‘Don’t worry. Just give him time. And we’ll be there, too. Once he’s better I’ll take the kids in to visit. They love him, and he’s their uncle, of course. I think he may find that a bit of a shock when he works it out.’
‘I hadn’t even thought of that,’ Nick said, and picked his fork up again, suddenly hungry. ‘This is good chilli, Ben. Thanks.’
‘My pleasure,’ Ben said, giving him a wry smile. �
��There’s plenty more.’
‘D’you know, I don’t mind if I do,’ he said with a grin, and handed Ben his plate.
* * *
Kate waited for him, lying awake on the top of the bed they’d given her at the hospital, and when he called her, shortly before midnight, she told him to come up. He tapped on the door and came in and perched beside her, and she reached for his hand and held it.
‘How was it?’
‘Oh, pretty much as expected. They were angry at first, worried about Jem, about the impact this would have on him—you were right about them, they’ve taken him to their hearts, he’s part of the family now whether he likes it or not. Curiously it wasn’t that much about the fact that I was unfaithful to their mother, although that didn’t thrill them. They seemed more concerned for him—about my provision for him in my will, about his education and what I intend to do to take care of him, and about you.’
He hesitated, then went on, ‘I told them about us, about how we met, and a bit about that night—not all of it, but enough. I know you didn’t want me to, but they didn’t understand, and how could they, without being there, without understanding how devastated we were that night, how bonded together by our grief we were. So I tried to explain.’
‘And did they understand, in the end?’
He gave a low laugh. ‘I think so. I was pretty graphic. Not about us, but the rest. They apologised for making me dredge it all up—they were pretty shocked. They hadn’t realised what it had been like that day, and I didn’t pull any punches. I even told them about their Uncle Phil and how he died.’
‘Oh, Nick,’ she said, squeezing his hand tighter. ‘I’m sorry you had to go through it all again.’
‘It’s all right. It was important that they understood, and I think they do now. I also thought they should know that Annabel sent me to make sure you were all right.’
She stared at him. ‘Annabel sent you?’
‘Yes. I thought you knew that?’
‘How would I know, Nick? We’ve never talked about it—never discussed the night of the storm. I’m not sure I even know fully what happened. Will you tell me?’
St. Piran's: The Wedding of The Year Page 10
