by Theresa Kay
“You’re under pressure?” I jump up from the chair. “My brother is in danger. My best friend is in jail. My—boyfriend is…” I throw my hands up and let out a scream of exasperation. “I don’t even know anymore. I’m stuck here following you around all day and I can’t take it anymore!”
A heated pain pulses in my head and I slap my palms to my forehead before flinging them outward. And the second I do it, I realize how very stupid it was. The tingle that began in my head shoots from my fingertips—and the entire table slides five feet across the room.
Emily gapes at me, her gaze moving from me to the table and back again. “What in the hell was that?”
I snort. “One of the perks of my messed-up parentage.” The tension slowly drains out of me, washing away the lingering physical effects of my panic. “It just happens sometimes and… I’m sorry.”
“Does anyone else know you can do things like that? I mean, Stu told me all about the telepathy bit, but…” Her eyes dart his way. “Nothing about what you just did.”
“Flint knows. And Jace. Rym knows, and I’m assuming Lir does too at this point.” I sigh. “And now you. Are you going to tell anyone?”
Emily’s brow furrows and she bites at her lower lip. She looks down at her hands. “Not if you don’t want me to.” She lifts her head to meet my eyes. “But I think you should tell someone. If Gavin knew… I think it could be great news for Bridgelake. A new way to defend ourselves. Maybe he’d be willing to let Flint go if you’d—”
“Be his weapon.” My voice is flat, and my stomach turns at the look in her eyes. There’s hope there, but greed too. Greed for what I can do for her, for Bridgelake.
I walk out the front door without saying another word. No one tries to stop me.
The bone-deep terror for my brother has dissipated, but it’s been replaced by something else. Disappointment in my friend. Anger at the situation. And a new kind of fear—for myself. Emily has a good point. If I offer up myself in his place, convince Gavin that I could be the thing to help him win this skirmish with Dane, I could get Flint released. I could send him to help Jace. It wouldn’t be as good as going myself, but maybe Flint could at least hold off the darkness until I was able to reach them… hopefully… maybe. Their love for each other has to be worth something in this battle, right?
But is bartering the use of my abilities for Flint’s release—no matter how much it may help Jace—worth the risk of what I might become? What if I lose myself like Jace appears to be doing? Giving in to this alien part of me was exactly what Vitrad wanted back in the city. What’s different about now? Is it because of the side I’d be fighting for, or is it a testament to the fact that my brother’s safety—and his sanity—is my weakness?
Unanswerable questions swirl around in my head until the words don’t make sense anymore. And the most important one: Can I embrace my E’rikon side, use these abilities, and become this weapon without surrendering my own sanity? But if that question has a definitive answer, there is no one here who can provide it, and, if I’m honest with myself, the answer I’d come up with is “no.”
After… what happened, people expected me to be traumatized. I was, and I still am. But how much of that is from normal human reactions, and how much is because of my heritage, because of the E’rikon aversion to casual touch and the vividly graphic way in which my alien half allowed me to view the events of that day? Being in my own head was bad enough. Watching it, experiencing it, doing it from behind another’s eyes was what broke me.
It was the events of that day that triggered an awakening of my E’rikon side, and possibly Jace’s too. If I had known, would I have been able to shut those men out of my head? If he had known what it would turn him into, would Jace ever have accepted Dane’s twisted offer? And if Dad hadn’t kept all this from us, would we have ended up where we are now? Maybe he was waiting until we were old enough to understand. Knowing what I know now, it makes sense that he kept us isolated from everyone else. Living out there alone wasn’t easy, but if we had been exposed to other people all the time, might our abilities have manifested earlier? Had Dad been protecting us? Hiding us? Both?
No matter what my dad’s intentions were in keeping the information from us, my lack of knowledge had a devastating effect on the aftermath of that day. Confused and horrified by what I did to those men, I lost myself, and it took me months to find my way back. The monsters I battled were both ones of my own making and ones that came to me from being half E’rikon. But they were monsters I somewhat understood, even if I wasn’t fully aware of what I was at that point.
As for the monsters Jace is up against? I have no idea how to help him face them—or even if I can. And I don’t know if he’ll be able to find his way back like I did. Not without someone to anchor him, like he did for me.
A group of people is walking toward me and I’m just not up to plastering a smile on my face and making small talk like Emily would do, so I slip into a deserted alley between two houses. There’s a small overhang here, enough that the ground beneath it is mostly free of snow. Sliding my back down the wall, I come to a crouched position and bury my face in my hands.
And I reach out to Jace.
The connection I have with my brother has been closed since we arrived, slammed shut after our conversation in the truck. That hasn’t bothered me until now—it’s not like it’s the first time Jace has shut me out. But now more than ever I need that connection. Maybe for me. Maybe for him. Either way, I need to know that I’m not alone right now.
I close my eyes and reach for the red thread, but it’s still dark, and no matter what I try I can’t get it to work. I pull at it. I push at it. Why is it that when I actually need the stupid alien part of me to work it never does? I clench my teeth and curl my shoulders in, trying to hold back the sobs of frustration.
What do I do? Where do I turn? No one here understands, and the one person I’ve always been able to count on is unreachable. How can I help him? How do I fix this? And why does it have to fall to me to do so?
I’m not the fixer.
I’m not the doer.
I’m nothing.
My breaths grow shallow and fast and my nails dig into my palms. I wrap my arms around my knees and rock back and forth, loneliness and confusion acting like a whirlpool pulling me down, down, down into despair while I flail around, searching for something to anchor me, to save me from drowning.
And like a lifeline he’s there, all green-gold eyes and soft curls. The broken green thread flickers and then illuminates, bringing light to my darkness and giving me something to hold on to, something to lead me to shore. He’s only in my head and I can’t reach him, but that feeling of being lost and alone is no longer filling my lungs and dragging me under. I can breathe again because Lir has given me my air back.
ABOUT TEN MINUTES AND many, many deep breaths later, I’ve pulled myself together. Well, at least enough to know what I need to do. I rise to my feet and brush the snow and dirt off my pants, straighten my shoulders and lift my chin, and then I head back out to the street, doing my best to put confidence in my steps.
First things first: find Gavin and tell him I’ll be visiting Flint today. I’m not going to let Gavin avoid me again even if I have to sit myself outside his office for the rest of the day. Flint won’t be happy about my plan, but if it gets him to Jace I’m pretty sure he’ll get over it. And they need time to talk without me around anyway.
As I head toward Gavin’s office I catch sight of two familiar forms. One large and broad, with brownish hair, the other one smaller with darker hair. Harrison and Gavin. Finally. I break into a jog to catch up to them.
“Hey! Wait up!”
I run up behind them and they both turn to face me. Harrison crosses his arms over his chest and Gavin raises his eyebrows.
It’s Gavin I focus on. “You told me I could see Flint. I want to see him today. Now.”
“Okay,” says Gavin. “Holmes, please make the arrangements.”
My jaw drops. “That’s it? Why haven’t I been allowed to see him before now?”
Gavin’s eyes dart to the side and then back to meet mine. “This is the first time you’ve asked.”
“You haven’t exactly made yourself available. I’ve been trying to talk to you for days now.” I narrow my eyes.
He shrugs and one side of his mouth quirks up. “I’ve been rather busy. Running things and all, protecting everyone, you know, all sorts of paltry tasks like that. I can’t keep track of everything.”
I stare at him blankly and blink a few times before I glance at Harrison. He’s barely containing a laugh, his lips pressed tightly together with the effort. “Arrogant jerks. The both of you… but especially you.” I jam one finger into Gavin’s chest. “You knew I wanted to see Flint and you decided to play these stupid little mind games with me by avoiding me. What? Was it some sort of power play? Did you think it would give you the upper hand somehow? For that matter, did you think at all?” My hands curl into fists and irritation flows into anger. “This is important. You have no idea…” The heat clogs my throat and I can’t push any more words out.
Gavin’s knowing smile drops and his face softens. He reaches out to rest a hand on my arm, but I shake him off. His hand stays up for a moment before he drops it to his side. “I apologize. I thought I’d managed to assure you he wasn’t being mistreated. I didn’t realize it meant so much to you to see for yourself. I really have been quite busy… Holmes, take her to see him now,” Gavin says. Then he turns to me. “Please come to my office afterward. I think it’s time we discussed what you know.”
I lift my chin in acknowledgment. I’m damn sure not thanking him.
Gavin leaves, and to my surprise, Harrison speaks. “He wasn’t actively trying to avoid you or anything,” he says.
“Is that so?” This should be interesting.
Harrison rocks back on his heels. “Gavin isn’t used to the women around here having a mind of their own. Well, except for Emily of course, but even she isn’t quite as… outspoken as you are. He really thought you’d just show up in his office one day demanding to see your husband and—”
“Friend. Flint is my friend. That’s it. And I did show up at Gavin’s office. Multiple times. He was never there.”
“Friend? I thought you two were married or something.”
I fix a glare on him. “No. We’re not. The only reason we stood up for the Promising ceremony was because… oh never mind. I notice you didn’t say anything about the rest of my statement. He may not have been actively avoiding me, but he was avoiding me. Let’s go, Holmes.”
Harrison leads me in the opposite direction from the one I’m expecting. Instead of heading to the old hospital building, he leads me to one of the smaller dormitories, where two soldiers stand guard. They salute the large man beside me, and one makes a move as if he’s going to pat me down. I jerk backward out of his reach and Harrison says, “That’s not necessary. She’s been given special permission to be here.” The soldier backs down and gives another salute, and we step inside.
The hallway is clean and well lit, no hospital basement rat trap for Gavin’s prisoners. Well, prisoner. All the other makeshift cells we pass are empty.
“Slow week at the prison?”
Harrison shrugs. “Those that didn’t join, left. Haven’t really had a need for the place until now.”
“When you say ‘left’… do you mean Dane’s out there still in possession of a few of his sheep? How do you know he’s not going to storm this place or something? Did you guys secure his weapons? His vehicles? His—”
“Did you miss the big hole in the wall? He’s already tried. We held him off just fine.”
I stop walking and stare up at him in disbelief. “That was holding him off just fine? How many soldiers do you have? How many does Dane have left? Will you be able to sustain another attack like that one?”
He stares back at me. “You’re starting to sound like you’re fishing for information. Considering when you showed up and in whose company, that’s not a good thing. I’m okay with you, since Emily vouched for you, but if you start acting like a spy around someone else… you could end up in here too.”
I shut my mouth. The last thing I need is to be locked up. Not when I’m so close to getting us out of here.
Flint’s cell is at the end of the hall. Relief washes over his face when he sees me through the small window in the door, and he stands and walks across the room to place his hand against the door.
“I can go in, right?”
Harrison nods. “Only for a little while though.”
The second the door opens Flint pulls me inside and into a tight hug. “You’re okay.” He releases a long slow breath as if he’d been holding it the entire time we were separated. “I thought for sure…” He shudders and lowers his voice. “You didn’t use one of your little tricks, did you? They don’t know what you are, right?”
“No,” I say, but inwardly I cringe. My plan revolves around me being a valuable enough asset to get him released.
His gaze darts around the room. “I tried everything I could to protect you. I—”
“It’s okay. I’m fine. Emily came through and vouched for me. They aren’t going to do anything to me.” Laughing dark eyes flash through my mind. “Except maybe annoy me to death.”
“So what’s the plan then? How am I getting out of here?”
The hope on his face sends little splashes of guilt into my stomach. “I’m working on it. I don’t know how soon I can make it happen, but I’ll figure something out before the trial.” His mouth drops open and I rush to explain. “It’s not a big deal. Gavin said that he’d have to have some sort of trial for you and—”
“Who the hell is Gavin?”
“He’s the guy—“ I wince and my next words come out in a rush. “He’s the one at the wall who was kinda in charge.”
“And why in the world would you trust anything he says?” Flint yanks up the leg of the simple gray cotton pants he’s wearing, displaying the swollen mess that is his knee. “Does someone who has my best interests at heart do something like that?”
“Well…” My brain scrambles for the right words to explain, to make him understand, and the whole time his expression grows more and more incredulous.
Then he sends a verbal barb at me that cuts deep. “Tell me you’re not that dumb, Jax.”
This time my mouth drops along with my stomach. Any desire I had to help him understand flees, replaced with a sudden, blazing anger.
He hangs his head. “I didn’t mean that. It’s not—”
By the time I find my voice buried under the creeping heat, it comes out harsh but steady. “I’m not an idiot, and I am quite capable of assessing a situation and making decisions for myself.”
“I know that, I just—”
“No! I realize this situation isn’t ideal, but I understand where the guy is coming from, and he’s damn sure better than your father. I’m not asking you to trust him, just trust me.” I finish the sentence solely in my head: for once.
I’ve spent the entire past year with someone hovering over me almost every step of the way, second-guessing me, doubting me, worrying about my reactions, and generally being overprotective. Of course, it started with Jace, but somehow Flint got roped into it too. Between the two of them, every single decision I’ve made has been questioned in some way, and it’s gotten to the point where I’m starting to doubt myself—and that’s a bad road to go down. I’m functioning. I’m whole. And despite all the crap working against me, I’ve been steadily improving.
My lips purse as I blow out a slow breath with my eyes closed. I swallow back the anger, the doubt, and everything else swirling inside me that’s attempting to freeze me in place.
“I’m sorry,” Flint says. I open my eyes and he meets them with his own. “I do trust you.” He massages the back of his neck with one hand. “It’s just when you say trial…”
“He’s n
ot like your father. I’m sure even you can realize that much. Trial doesn’t mean execution. He said it’s just a formality at this point.” As the words leave my mouth, I realize I truly believe them. Yes, Gavin played me a bit, needled me, and both subtly and not so subtly interrogated me, but he couldn’t have faked the conviction in his words or the genuine outrage when he talked about Dane’s crimes. He might be irritating, but he has a good head on his shoulders. Besides, Emily the rebel is all for him and what he stands for.
“Don’t worry. I think I might know a way out of this,” I say, patting him on the shoulder.
Flint’s eyes narrow. “I think I’m worried about that look on your face. What are you planning?”
“You’ll see.”
I turn and knock on the door to signal to Harrison that I’m ready to come out. As soon as the door swings open, I pull my shoulders back and lift my chin. “Take me back to see Gavin,” I tell Harrison. “I have a way to solve your defense issue.”
Harrison lifts his brows when Flint wraps one hand around my upper arm and yanks me to the side, hissing into my ear.
“What do you think you’re doing? This is not the way to get anything done. If you tell them about”—his gaze darts to Harrison and he lowers his voice to a whisper—“what you are, they may never let you leave. Not to mention it’s dangerous! You don’t know what you’re doing and—”
I step out of his grip. “It’s the only way. Jace is in danger.” I answer the question in his eyes before he can ask it. “Because I saw it. Worse yet, I felt it. One of us needs to get back to him as soon as possible. I’d go myself, but I can’t leave you here. Let me do this.”
He presses his lips together and squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them again, indecision and worry swirl together against the sky blue color. I understand how torn he is. I’m his friend, his family, and, as he sees it, his responsibility. But Jace is the one he loves, the one who’s the driving force behind his determination to protect me, the one he’s risked everything for.
