by Theresa Kay
He shakes his head. “If I had not broken the bond he could have gotten to you through me. I had to do it. I thought you understood that.” Confusion fights against anger for control of his features.
Where is this coming from? There’s a sinister thread twisted around my emotions, a harsh whisper in the back of my mind feeding into the worst of them, but there’s more than that. It’s coming from every tiny thought and doubt I’ve had over the past few weeks. Every memory I replayed to try to understand. Every stomach-wrenching pang of longing for this connection I still don’t quite understand. And every single day and night I thought I’d die from the lack of it. I kept it deep inside, hiding it even from myself, and now it’s all coming together. But the only words that make it past my lips are, “You left me.” Over and over until a sob cracks my voice and the fractures in the wall I used to hold back the pain expand, inching further and further outward until the wall shatters and crumbles.
I drop to my knees, and Lir rushes forward and falls down beside me, one arm around me, and pulls me into his side. “Shhh…”
Forced to be strong, forced to pretend, forced to hold in my pain, and forced to be the someone everyone else needed… but not anymore. I’m breaking again, but here there’s someone to hold the pieces, to put me back together. And I have no idea why he puts up with me at all.
His hand rubs soft circles on my back and he makes soothing noises, but otherwise he stays quiet. I thought I’d handled everything rather well, even after seeing him in the city and everything that followed afterward. But things were happening so fast that I never had time to process any of it, and now the collision of all my thoughts, fears, doubts, worries, emotions, and everything else has completely overwhelmed me, turning me into this crying mess.
Once the tears have passed, I burrow my face into his neck. “So what now?” I ask.
“I do not know.” The air leaves his chest in a sigh. “There are things happening here that I need to handle, but I am worried for you. I was able to help you earlier because I had not bothered with any shielding. Yet I cannot simply stroll around the city completely open. If Vitrad, if anyone, were to have any idea that our connection has been reestablished… This situation is new. I do not know what the possible repercussions could be.”
“So put your shield up.” I shrug. It sounds like the logical thing to do.
He chuckles, but the sound is more forced than anything. “I have so missed your faith in simple solutions. I could do that, but then you might not be able to reach me if you needed me. If Jace were to make it through the block I put in place—”
“The block you put in place?” My limbs tense, and I pull away from him to meet his eyes.
The resolve flowing from him is edged with nervousness. “It was the only way. I used the bond to shut him out.” When I don’t respond, his anxiety rises. “To protect you.”
“He’s. My. Brother.” The wild rage is starting to gather inside me. I push it down, but it’s still dripping out and trailing across the dhama. “You left him alone with Jastren. What if his connection to me is the only thing that was keeping him safe?”
“That is not the case. He—”
I jump to my feet. “How would you know? You said yourself that this was a new situation. We aren’t like you.”
“You are similar enough that—”
“Similar enough that you knew this… ability was possible? Similar enough that you should have warned me about it sooner?” I stride away from him with my hands clenched at my sides. So the darkness has had a name and a purpose all along. Those things were simply kept from me.
“When have I had time to tell you?” Lir says. “When have you given me a chance to explain anything without storming away over some imagined slight?” His temper is rising to match mine, the fire of his emotions dancing across the connection to collide with my own.
“Imagined slight?” I spin around and storm back to him as he rises to his feet. “There’s nothing imagined about you cutting me off from Jace. In all of this he’s been the one thing that was constant, the one thing I could always depend on. And you wave your hand and dismiss it like it’s nothing.”
“In this state, he is a danger to you. I was only—”
“Doing what was best for me?” Ice freezes around my words, turning them hard and jagged, and the rest of me follows suit. I straighten my shoulders, curl my hands into fists, and turn away from him. A dark glee radiates from somewhere deep inside my mind, knowing what action I’m about to take. “Do what you need to do in the city. You’ve done enough damage here.”
Considering how little practice I’ve had, it’s surprisingly easy to push him out of my head and close the connection between us.
I WINCE AWAY FROM the sunlight sneaking its way between the curtains to shine directly on my face. Every one of my muscles aches, but the pounding in my head drowns even that pain out. I thought those bond dream things were supposed to make me feel better? The soft surface beneath me and familiar walls tell me that I’m lying in bed at Emily’s house, but how did I get here? What happened?
Memories come back to me in bits and pieces. Being in Gavin’s office. Him moving closer. Jace’s sudden intrusion into my head. And then Lir, both helping and… not.
I sit up and roll my shoulders a few times. I don’t have time to worry about Lir’s actions right now. Our connection, our bond, is still there. I’d missed it, and it’s comforting to feel it now—even if I am still mad at him. But it doesn’t replace my brother’s presence, and no matter how much I try to reach for Jace, that red thread of connection is blocked off by a big green knot.
The door flies open and I jerk. Flint rushes through the doorway, grabs me by the shoulders, and yanks me up into a tight hug. My arms have just enough freedom to awkwardly pat him on the back.
“Don’t you ever do something like that again.” He releases me and runs a hand through his hair and down over his face. “I know you think you know everything, but you really don’t. After what happened back at that town, you could have been killed trying to use your abilities and I didn’t—I couldn’t—Jace would have killed me!” He shoots back up to his feet. “You have no idea what it’s like for the rest of us, sitting back and watching you run into danger, watching you do awful things you might never recover from and—” A loud exhale passes through his pursed lips as redness creeps up his neck. “Not only dangerous, what you did was just plain stupid!” He paces back and forth across the room, gesturing wildly with his hands.
He clearly has no idea what actually happened, but he won’t let me get a word in edgewise to explain that my collapse or whatever it was that happened was brought on by Jace. “I—”
“No! Don’t you dare argue with me right now.” He storms back to the bed and bends down until we’re eye to eye. “I’ve spent a lot of time holding you together, both with Jace and on my own, and I’ve spent over a year holding your brother together. But do either of you ever listen to me? Give half a thought to how your idiocy affects other people? Affects me? Nope. The both of you… so goddamn selfish!” He’s up again, pacing and rubbing the back of his neck. He shakes his head and mutters under his breath, “Messing around with stuff you know nothing about…” His steps come to an abrupt stop and his shoulders drop as he turns to face me. A vivid, desolate anger swirls in his eyes as he blinks back the sheen of tears. “You could have died.”
I had woken up enough that remorse was beginning to worm its way in—until he called me selfish. Now his overprotectiveness needles at me. “But I didn’t,” I snap. “And nobody asked you to take care of me.”
Flint blinks slowly with wide eyes and his mouth hanging open. I cross my arms over my chest and glare back at him, but as the silence between us continues, my annoyance recedes and I’m left flooded with guilt instead. I start to apologize, but he cuts me off with a mocking chuckle.
He gives a slight shake of his head and releases a loud breath before pressing his lips together and gazing d
own at the floor. “You’re right.” And he turns and walks out of the room.
Well, that could have gone better. What is wrong with me? Not only has Flint been playing referee, he’s had his own issues with Jace, issues that he’s had no time to deal with because he’s been working so hard to hold everything else together. I sigh and sink back down into the bed until I’m staring up at the ceiling. Selfish is a pretty accurate description for how I’ve acted.
I’m only alone for a few minutes before someone else enters the room. Or actually, two someones.
Ethan bounds up to the edge of the bed, dragging Stu by the hand behind him. “You shouldn’t be mean to people.” It’s almost funny, but the look on his little face tells me he’s absolutely serious. “Mr. Flint has been very upset, and you made him feel bad. That’s not nice.”
I guess the best thing I can do is go along with it. I put on my best serious face and nod. “You are absolutely right. I should go right now and tell him I’m sorry. Can you tell me where he is?”
“He went down to the kitchen with Mr. Gavin.”
Gavin? Why the hell is he here?
“You shouldn’t say bad words either. And it’s rude to use mindspeak when others who can’t are in the room.” That last part sounds almost rehearsed, as if the little boy has heard it many times.
Stu laughs and sweeps the little boy up and onto his shoulders. “Come on buddy, we’ll take her downstairs.”
I rise to my feet, only a little unsteady, and follow them through the doorway and down the hall. Ethan keeps up a constant stream of chatter the entire way. He and Peter would get along famously. I chuckle to myself, and Stu glances back at me with a questioning look.
“He’s just so… energetic,” I say. “Kids really are resilient.”
“I know,” says Stu, a flash of pain in his eyes. “It’s amazing what they can make it through and still come out okay on the other side.” He slows his steps, but only for a moment before yelling “super speed engage!” and running the rest of the length of the hallway. It’s a bittersweet moment. Stu is amazing with the kid… and he was probably amazing with his brother, too. I shake my head and push back the sudden surge of sickening guilt.
My apprehension grows as I walk down the stairs and the sound of voices filters out from the room ahead of me. I follow it around the corner and into the kitchen to find Flint tilted back in a chair at the table along with Emily, Harrison, and Gavin.
Flint drops his chair down with a bang and meets my eyes. There’s more hurt than anger in the look, and my stomach churns with guilt. I give him a tiny smile and walk over to sit down in the empty chair beside him.
Leaning sideways, I poke him with my elbow and mouth, “I’m sorry.”
He nods and says, “Me too.”
“So…” My gaze darts around to each person sitting at the table. As glad as I am to see Flint out and about, the circumstances of his release are unclear. “Would someone like to explain to me what’s going on?”
It’s Gavin who speaks first. “Well, you collapsed in my office and… something wasn’t right. No one seemed to know what to do, and Miss Fletcher wasn’t available. I asked Holmes to fetch Mr. Jacobs, but by the time he got there you had calmed down.” He looks everywhere but at my face. “Mr. Jacobs explained some things and if, uh, this was brought on by something I did or said, I apologize. I—”
“Stop,” I say. Embarrassment blends with panic and creeps up from my toes. I rise to my feet and walk over to lean against the counter, facing away from everyone while my mind churns. Should I let him continue to think he caused my attack? Let him continue to look at me with pity like I’m broken? There are so many secrets within me, not only in what I can do or what I am, but in what I know, too. How much information is safe to give Gavin?
I turn back and study him. His dark hair is falling over his forehead, and he looks genuinely worried and maybe a little ashamed. Back in his office he showed me kindness. He could have used me, but he chose not to. It doesn’t seem right to repay him by letting him think he did something awful. “It wasn’t you. It was Jace, my brother,” I finally say.
Flint tenses and straightens in his seat, his fingers curling against the wood of the table.
Gavin cocks his head to the side and raises his eyebrows. “Your brother? I don’t understand.”
“There’s more to our abilities than I’ve told you. My brother and I, we can communicate telepathically. All the E’rikon can.” I walk back to the table and stand beside Flint’s chair. The rest of this conversation is going to be hard for him. “I knew he was in danger, but I didn’t know how much until tonight—uh, last night. He pushed into my head, and it was too much. It overloaded me or something, and that’s why I collapsed.”
“But he’s okay for now, right?” Flint’s voice is soft and he brings his eyes to meet mine, deep blue pools of cautious hope.
“I don’t know,” I whisper.
“Why not? This is like what happened back at the cabin, isn’t it? You can just… pop in and check on him.” The tension starts in his hands and travels into his arms. “What aren’t you telling me?”
This is not a conversation I wanted to have with all these people around, but it’s not like I can back out of it now. I focus my attention on Flint. “The push, the shikiza, is dangerous. I don’t know all the details, but it’s some E’rikon thing that has to do with forcing emotions on people. With everything Jace was shoving at me… I was losing. It would have broken me, fractured my mind more than it already is. I don’t know how, but I reached out. To Lir. He helped me hold together, but he had to shut the connection in order to save me.”
“Shut the connection? Is that even possible?” He shakes his head. “And I thought you guys were… broken up or something?”
I throw my hands up. “We were. We are. We… I don’t know. It’s complicated. He said the bond is back, and from what I can tell, he’s right.”
“It’s back? I thought you said that wasn’t possible. I thought Rym agreed. Does this mean you can contact Jastren now? Can’t he tell you if Jace is okay?” The volume of Flint’s voice slowly rises and it gains a frantic edge. “I know he’s lied about some things, but he’s still family, right? He’s always looked out for Jace. He wouldn’t let anything happen to him.”
I sit and rest one hand on Flint’s fist. “This ability… Jastren has it too. The difference is, he knows how to use it, and I think he’s been using it on Jace. He’s the reason Jace is in danger in the first place. He’s pushing him to use his abilities or something, and these abilities would be dangerous even to a full-blooded E’rikon.” I squeeze Flint’s hand and wait for him to look at me. “We’ll figure it out.”
He blinks rapidly and then tilts his head back with his eyes squeezed shut. “I just got him back. Things weren’t great, but he was with me.” After a few deep breaths, he lowers his chin.
“That’s why I was willing to do whatever it took to get you out,” I say quietly. “So you can go to him.”
“Am I any match for whatever Jastren’s done to him? You saw him that day at Peter’s when he…” His voice trails off and he rests his forehead in his palm.
And that’s the thing. I have no idea if Flint could stand up to Jastren’s influence over Jace. Every time I’ve called on that ability, the shikiza, there’s been something to bring me back, something to fight for. The love of my brother. Empathy for Rym’s pain. The desire to live. My experiences with the darkness of the shikiza were brief and spontaneous. But Jace? He was already dealing with crushing guilt and pain when he was taken and tortured by the E’rikon. And now Jastren’s been at work on him for weeks. Without me being there, without my knowing more about the ability… there’s no telling what state Jace is in right now.
Back at Peter’s when he went on the attack and I drew him off, I was in his head. He was so very lost, but there was still a little light left, and I sensed his reliance on those two beacons, one red and one blue. I never really cons
idered the significance of those colors, but now I do: there’s one for me and one for Flint. And last night, there were none. I knew my brother had burdens to bear. I saw the darkness in his head, and still I left him. I deserted him and took his only other hope with me.
Reassurances form in my head, but they refuse to exit my mouth. They’d be too close to lies, and I can’t lie to Flint.
He runs his hand over his face, then rubs the back of his neck and gives me a sad smile. “That’s what I thought. I can’t help him. I’m not enough for him anymore.”
“I don’t know,” I whisper. But I do. I guess I can lie to him after all.
He shakes his head, pulls his hand from mine, and stands. “I’ll be… outside. I can’t be here right now.”
The desire to stop him, to follow him, to comfort him is strong, but it wouldn’t help. Not now. I can tell by his hanging head and the way he won’t look at anyone that he’s ashamed not only to be found lacking, but that he believes everyone in this room has guessed about him and Jace by now. And he’s probably right.
The front door slams behind him and I send a pointed look to every face at the table. If any one of them thinks I’ll put up with anything derogatory they might say about Flint, they’ll find out how well I can defend those I care about.
“Well then. This has been enlightening,” says Gavin. At a glare from me, he holds his hands up and waves them in front of his chest. “No. Not that. I’m fine with your friend’s relationship. I meant all that stuff about bonds and abilities and connections…” The door opens again, and footsteps shuffle across the floor behind me as Gavin searches for words.
“Well, isn’t this quaint?” The voice sends icicles down my spine. I don’t have to turn around to know who it belongs to.
Gavin shoots to his feet. “What in the hell do you think you’re doing, Cartuck?”
“For now? Assuring the bitch’s cooperation.”
