by Liam Livings
“But I can’t. I’m the most spiritual person you could ask for, the most into all this as a concept, and do they visit me? Do they come and talk to me, sending me videos or whatever? No. I’m all alone with my spirituality, reiki, crystals, dreamcatchers, and wish sticks. Just me and them for company. That’s the definition of irony, I think.”
“Have you spoken to yours? Ever seen any white feathers about?”
“I’ve looked everywhere, but no. Not even when I was changing the duvet last week—yours and mine are both feather—and nothing. I sat with my eyes closed, chanting for mine to come, but nothing doing.” She grabbed a prawn cracker from the bowl in the middle of the table.
“I don’t think it’s that simple. If it was, everyone who believed would be calling them all the time. It wouldn’t leave them much time to actually, you know, get on with the job in hand, would it? Look, I think we’ve got off-topic a bit. Which pool should I meet him at? And when?”
We debated the various pools in London, but after a while agreed on the small one near ours in North London.
Pleased with our conclusion, Amy sat back, picking leftovers from the bowls. “If this Sky doesn’t turn up, you can always bag yourself a rich Jewish boy—one who’s really repressed, so he’ll be really grateful for you to relieve him of his guilt and tension. Or something. Not that I’ve thought about it or anything.”
“When? I don’t want it to be too soon, ’cause I need to really think about how I feel about this. Is it all going to be a huge let-down, seeing me in the flesh—literally in the flesh? Am I going to talk to him like we did before, and we’ve said everything we can say, there’s no more to talk about? Dry, quiet husks, we’ll be. Just for me, he’ll have given up eternity on a cloud, rolling dice to work out what happens to us down here. Just for little old me. I’m not sure I’d give that up for me. I’d give it up for him. I was trying to give it all up to be with him, until I found out that wouldn’t have worked. Just getting through the days sometimes is all I can cope with. It’s very complicated. Maybe that’s just me. Probably is.”
“You’re spinning. Stop and take a breath.” She grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes. “Do you love him?”
“Yes.”
“And does he love you?”
“Said he did.”
“Well, then.”
Well, then, indeed! I breathed out slowly, and we began to work out a plan together.
We said this coming Saturday would be far enough away for any preparation required on either part. Neither of us was quite clear what sort of preparation I would need, and we were even less clear what preparation a guardian angel would need if he handed in his wings and came down to Earth with us. Did he have to say his goodbyes, write some thank-you cards? Now I’d seen the video message and heard about the college and sabbaticals, I thought there wasn’t much they didn’t have to do up there.
“I’m not doing it at a council swimming pool. I just can’t be that person. If this is going to be my big fairy-tale ending—or beginning depending on how you think of it—I just can’t have it in some council swimming pool smelling of chlorine and piss, and full of people's plasters that dropped off from covering their verrucas. No. I refuse to have that as part of my romantic story. I want it to be by the sea. He said he was keen to feel the water on his skin, something he’s not felt before. So I’ll give him the water of the sea and the sand of the beach. Two different sensations together. Once he knows where we’re meeting, he won’t be able to resist the sensation overload, never mind if he wants to be with me or not.”
“Whatever works for you, sweetheart,” Amy said, and nodded back at me. “But I think you’re safe to say he does want to be with you.”
“Don’t say that until I’m stood next to him on a beach. Don’t tempt fate, or the dice, or crystals, or whatever it is this week. Keep everything crossed for me will you?”
“I’ve been chanting for you both all along, sweetie.”
Chapter 32
I stood on Brighton beach, next to the pier. Somehow, between summoning Luke with my stroking-the-feathers method and asking him to pass on messages to Sky, we had agreed a time and place.
“What did he say about the beach-not-pool thing?” I had asked Luke.
“I can’t remember. He did say something, but he didn’t ask me to tell you, so I didn’t remember it. In fact I barely listened to it.” He looked at his nails, then put his hands on his hips and looked up at me.
“Next time,” I insisted, “I want it written down. I want to know exactly what he’s thinking, saying, wanting. I want it all.”
It didn’t work; Luke struggled with this aspect of his job. The next time, he arrived and opened with “I’m not even meant to be doing this. I’m just doing you two a favour. I’m getting nothing out of it, except risking being reprimanded by the Higher Ones.”
“Aren’t you the gracious one? You’re all heart, Luke.”
Now, on the beach, I had arrived fifteen minutes early. It was quarter to midday. I worried that the pebbly beach wouldn’t quite give the full nine yards of seaside experience I’d been going for like a sandy one would have. But then, on balance, the gayness of Brighton probably made up for that. Then again, Sky hadn’t struck me as much of a scene queen.
I waited until ten past twelve, then started to walk back to my car, staring at the pebbly beach and thinking how he’d never get to feel this under his feet or the salty seawater on his skin.
That was it. My one chance of true love, with someone I had connected with on an emotional level as well as fancying the pants off, wasn’t to be.
Realising this hit me like a wave crashing on the shore. As I reached the top of the steps from the beach to the pavement, I rested on the railings and noticed the sounds and smells around me. Seagulls flew overhead making a loud squawking and trying to grab peoples’ chips. Couples walked past, and I caught snippets of their conversations—mainly about ice cream, or shopping, or money. I noticed some people wearing revealing swimming costumes who really should have kept it all packed away. I sniffed the air: the salty smell filled my nostrils, and I caught a whiff of fish and chips.
Not too bad, this life, I suppose. Not the end of everything if he didn’t want to be with me. No point forcing him to be with me if he didn’t want to. I’d just be repeating what had happened with Bobby and me. I shuddered at the thought of Bobby. Just as that whole disastrous chapter of my life was unfolding in my head, I felt a large, heavy hand on my shoulder.
I turned and saw Sky in front of me. He was wearing dark blue jeans with marks on the knees, a black hoodie, and black Nike trainers. I held his hand on my shoulder, feeling the strong fingers, stroking them, and noticing the hair on the back of his hand.
“Sorry I’m late. I’m just getting the hang of this gravity and feeling stuff. I’m sure I’ll get used to it, but I kept tripping over my feet on the walk here. I’m not used to feeling things like the weight of my feet as they drop on the pavement. It’s very different from flying with wings.”
“Shut up and kiss me, now that you can.”
He leant towards me and kissed me, and his tongue wrestled with mine for a while. He put one of his hands on my bum, and the other remained on my shoulder.
I reached around and cupped his bum in both hands. It felt exactly as it looked—perfectly muscular and rounded. A grade-A bum. I put one hand on his chest, noticing his firm pectorals through the hoodie, and moved my hand down to his jeans. I felt something stirring there too. “It’s all working, is it?”
“Seems to be.” He smiled at me.
“I thought you weren’t coming. I thought I’d never see you again.”
“Instead you’ve got to put up with this face forever. Which is worse?” He laughed.
“Is this it now? No more hiding in mirrors, you’re here now for me to touch.”
“That’s right. There’s no going back. I love you, Richard. With all my heart, I love you. Ever since I spoke
to you, I knew I loved you, and that was wrong then.”
“Why didn’t you come more when I called you, when you were my guardian angel?”
“You never called me. No one calls their guardian angel. The feathers are just our calling card, like we’re trying to get in touch, but you can’t summon us. We appear when you need us—most of us just intervene. I just couldn’t stop wanting to intervene. Any excuse to see you, I thought.”
“Poor Amy, she’s desperate to see hers. Isn’t there anything you can do to help her?”
“I’m not one of them anymore. I’m just like you.”
“Except you were born at the age you are now, and you don’t have any parents or relatives. But except for those things, you are like me.”
“I think you’ll find they’ve sorted out all those things for me so I’m inconspicuous. A man appearing out of nowhere would probably cause suspicion, don’t you think?”
“How have they sorted those things out? Have you got some parents tucked away somewhere I’ve got to meet?”
“I believe I have.” His eyes twinkled, and he smiled.
“And there was me, thinking I’d avoided the whole awkward meeting-the-parents charade, but it seems I haven’t.” I paused, thinking for a moment. “Where are they? Could we go to see them today?”
“I know where they are. It’s all in my handover note.” He reached into his pocket, pulled out a piece of paper, and started to read. “Derek and Miriam. Says they’re in Hampshire, a place called Romsey. Does that mean anything to you?”
“I’ve been to Hampshire once, years ago. A friend at uni lived there. We went to Southampton. Never went to Romsey, though. Wonder why. Have you got any brothers and sisters, or is it just you?”
He looked at the paper and read silently. “It’s just me. Only son. I suppose they wanted to keep it simple.”
“What are we gonna do now we’re here? Fancy a walk along the beach, or something to eat in town? Or a stroll on the pier, whatever you want? I suppose it’ll all be new to you.”
“You could say that, yeah,” he replied. “What do you think? I do feel something in my stomach—an empty feeling. Is that hunger?”
I nodded. “That’s it, decision made. Let’s get some lunch somewhere.” I led him off, his arm looped through mine, and we walked away from the beach into the city centre.
Walking around, I asked what sort of food he liked. Italian, French, British?
“I dunno,” he replied. “Never tried anything. I’ve only ever watched when you ate. Whatever you think.”
We went for pizza. I watched him cope with the tangled cheese stringing between two pieces of pizza and into his mouth. He smiled when he chewed. “It’s nice.” He shoved another mouthful in.
“Can I ask you something I was always confused about, when you were… before you were here.”
With his mouth full, he replied, “You can say it, Richard. No one’s going to care. They’ll just think we’re talking about something else. When I was a guardian angel, what about it?”
I smiled. “Try not to talk when you’re eating. It’s basic manners.”
He chewed quickly, then said, “Oh, I didn’t know. Sorry.”
“No need. I don’t want to sound like your mother, whatever it is she’s called, but there are standards. I’ll try to slip things in if I need to tell you stuff, and try not to make a bit deal of it.”
“Mouth full, no talking. Got it.” Sky smiled, the next slice of pizza hovering near his mouth.
The waiter asked us if we’d like dessert menus. I nodded, and Sky followed my lead. The waiter left them on the table, and Sky and I continued talking.
I asked, “So all that feather stroking and sitting on the floor cross-legged, that did nothing? Nothing at all?”
He nodded. “Just a coincidence, I’m afraid. I bent quite a few of the rules seeing you so often, and that’s why the Higher Ones didn’t put me back with you after my sabbatical and you got Luke instead. But that part, I did stick to. It’s the part that draws the most attention: a human talking to a guardian angel. It’s like a beacon shining back up to us. Very obvious, I’m afraid.”
“Oh.” My shoulders drooped, and I put my dessert menu back on the table.
“Come on, don’t be like that.” He touched my shoulder. “You did ask, so I told you the truth. Was I supposed to lie or something? Not a good way to start the relationship, is it?”
“You’re right.” I wiped my eye. “You’re here now and here to stay, aren’t you?”
“Here to stay. Unless you don’t want me, that is. Or something terrible happens to me, of course.”
“That’s a good point. What about you? Who’s looking after you, up there?” I looked to the ceiling.
“Another time. That’s a bit complicated, but they do have it covered for the moment. They just said in the handover note that I shouldn’t worry, and they’d put something in place permanently soon.”
I put my hand over my mouth. “Please don’t tell me you’ve got some useless temp looking after you at the moment. I just couldn’t handle it. I know what they’re like. Bare minimum’s all you’ll get. They’ll make sure you don’t get run over by a bus or fall off the pier, but apart from that, you’re on your own. I –”
“Stop worrying. It’s not quite that simple. Just stop thinking about it. Other people don’t worry—they just get on with their lives. You’ve got to stop obsessing about who’s looking after us up there.” He looked to the ceiling and winked.
“It’s a bit difficult, since I’m currently going out with an ex-guardian angel, but I’ll give it a go, I suppose.” I looked to the ceiling, then back to Sky, and shrugged.
“Can I ask you a question?” He looked to either side before he went on.
I nodded.
“A dirty weekend, what’s that? I’ve heard so many of you lot talking about it, but never really understood what it means. I did ask about it at my end, and they were very cagey. It’s naughty isn’t it? It’s not something I’ve seen a lot of. I usually found it best to look the other way. They do advise us—I mean, they did used to advise us, when I was, you know, to give you lot privacy sometimes and look the other way. So I did. But I’ve always wondered what it was.”
I remembered that weekend with Bobby in Margate and blushed slightly. How to explain to someone who’d never had any sex of any kind, or even seen any sex. I explained the concept generally, then asked if he remembered when Bobby and I went away for a weekend.
He did, but he had looked the other way once we arrived in Margate because “You both seemed to have it all under control. I knew nothing dangerous was going to happen, so I left you to it.” He smiled.
“Right.” This was going to be harder than I’d imagined. I held his hand across the table, stroking the fingers. “Is that nice, to feel me like that?”
“You know it is.”
“Imagine what it would feel like if I were stroking other bits of you… bits of you that are much more sensitive.”
“I suppose that would be even nicer, yeah.”
“What about if we were as close as two people can be. If I were in you, how do you think that would feel? Or you could be in me. I don’t want to do all the giving. I’m sure you’re a generous guy too.”
“Yeah.” He nodded.
“If we spent most of the weekend away from home doing that to each other, with each other, hardly leaving the hotel, that would be a dirty weekend.”
“But do you have to be away from home to do that? Couldn’t you do all that at home, in your own bed?”
“Fair point.” His innocence and childlike questions both surprised and refreshed me. “It’s about getting away from the distractions of everyday life. No washing to put on, no dog to feed, no bills to pay.”
“I see.” He thought for a moment, then put his other hand on top of mine and stroked my hand, harder. “What about us, now? We’re away already, aren’t we?”
I couldn’t deny that. “Wh
y not?”
We ran up the stairs with the key the receptionist had handed me, opened the door, and began to scrabble at each other’s clothes before it had even closed. I kicked the door shut, as I stood in my underwear. Sky stood in his underwear and a T-shirt. I walked toward him from the door and took off his top, then stood back to take in his perfect body. It was like having my very own Greek statue to play with.
“What’s wrong? Why you stopping? There’s things straining to get out.” He looked down at his bulging underpants.
With one quick movement, I swiped them off him so that he stood completely naked in front of me. I knelt before him and took his erection into my mouth. He let out a little squeak as I started.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” His voice was high-pitched as I continued down below.
I squeezed his bum to indicate all was fine, and continued.
After a while he said he wanted a go too, so we swapped places, and after a bit of a toothy introduction, he got stuck in, sucking and licking me as I stood in front of him.
We lay on the bed, top to tail, completely naked. Far from being a hairless, asexual body, Sky was hairy in all the right, human places. His body in the flesh was so much better than it had ever been when he was an angel, and now I could touch it, taste it, and feel it against my skin too.
Because he had never had sex before I showed him what I liked, and then we saw if he did too. Every time he became aroused, he thought his erection was the funniest thing in the world. He would walk around our bedroom, parading up and down in front of the mirrored wardrobe, completely naked and with his erection pointing to the sky, laughing as it wobbled around with his movement. “Don’t you find it funny?” he asked. “The way it just sits there, pointing upwards, like its own little person?”
“I’ve had my whole life to get used to it. I suppose when I was a little boy, mine did hold a strange fascination. But not like you, no.”
We didn’t leave the hotel room that day and munched on room service, channel-surfing old films and TV series in bed together. I walked out of the shower and saw him in the bed, chewing contentedly on a plate of nachos, long strings of cheese trailing from his chin to the plate. “All right? Enjoying that?”
