by Ford, Lizzy
Ari texts me, demanding to know the details of Benji asking her out. For her sake, I don’t tell her that he wanted me first. Ari normally gets all the guys, and I pause, wondering what changed over the summer. Mom, Ari and Molly are all beautiful.
Benji should be interested in her. I leave the closet and go to the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. There’s still something different about me, and when I look too fast, I see the bruises again. I had a growth spurt when I turned seventeen, and I went up a pants size, because I got hips.
I’m still pissed at that.
But nothing in the mirror makes me think I’m prettier than Ari. Nothing I see makes me think I deserve what happened to me. I don’t turn heads. I don’t know why Robert Connor and Madison Stewart chose me.
The sense of despair threatens to overwhelm me. I hate looking in the mirror. I don’t fully recognize who’s looking back at me. She’s changed. I’ve changed.
Ari, do you think I’m pretty? I type.
OMG – you’re gorgeous. Her response is fast.
I feel ugly. I tell her.
She sends me a link to an online article a few minutes later. I open it. It’s an article from the night of the police ball. I look at the beautiful woman in the picture. I can’t believe it’s me. I don’t see her when I look in the mirror.
Any questions? I didn’t think so. Ari texts.
I love you, Ari!!!!!!!
And I do. I never could’ve made it this summer without her. Or Chris. Or the occasional, selective help from Molly and Joseph.
I pull up Dom’s contact info again. He, too, has become someone important in my life, someone who believed in me from the beginning.
He saw the girl at the ball, but he also found me covered in blood and beaten a couple months before. I don’t know why he and Ari believe in me the way they do, but it makes me want to cry for a different reason. A good reason. Because I know they – and Chris – care about me. They didn’t give up on me, and I’d like to think that my decision to do the right thing means I didn’t disappoint them.
I lock my screen, leave the bathroom and then pick up the journal.
Dear Diary –
I almost feel good. And scared. And totally in over my head. But almost good, too. This summer, I went through things I never could’ve imagined. But they made me learn a lot about myself and my family. I stood up to Daddy and learned that there are members of my family, like Chris, who really do care. I almost understand Molly and Joseph and how I’m trapped in the ‘game’ that my family lives in. I’m not blind to all that anymore.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to leave behind the pain or guilt, and I’ll always blame myself for Tanya. I’m on the right track, though. No matter how hard it gets, I know I’m doing the right thing, and I know there are people in my life that I can trust and who care about me.
I don’t know what will happen in the next few weeks. I’m terrified about what Daddy and the Connors will do once everything is public. Then again, Chris has my back, and everyone is afraid of him. Ari loves me no matter what, and in two weeks, I can go for ice cream with Dom.
Assuming I haven’t been kicked out of the family.
I close the journal. For the first time this summer, I start to think that I really will survive all this. I’m no longer afraid of being abandoned by everyone I care about, and I’m not worried about trying to please my father at the cost of my conscience. The next few months are not going to be easy, but I’m starting to believe what Dr. Thompkins and Dom told me.
I’m doing the right thing, and I’m much stronger than I thought.
I don’t want to be afraid anymore. Clenching my phone in one hand, I decide that I’m sleeping in my bed tonight for the first time since the rape.
It’s another little victory. I’ve had a few over the past several days, for which I’m grateful and proud.
I don’t know what will happen once I turn eighteen - whether or not I’ll be disowned or thrown out of the house - but for once, I’m content not worrying about how scary my future still is. Whatever insanity breaks out tomorrow, I’ll deal with it when I wake up. I need this moment of peace, and I’m going to appreciate it, no matter how short it is.
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
