It’s just past lunchtime when we see the doctor walking towards us, bringing us to our feet. Nerves on end, we wait to hear what Dr. Gaslightwala has to say.
“How did everything go, Doctor?” Gram wrings her hands against her stomach.
He hesitates before answering, but rebounds with a polite, yet serious smile. “We just finished Samuel’s surgery and they’ll be moving him into recovery momentarily. It went well, but due to its location, we weren’t able to remove as much of the tumor as we’d hoped.” He slides a blue Bic in the breast pocket of his white coat. “Unfortunately, it does seem to be spreading. We’d like to begin radiation and chemotherapy as soon as he’s strong enough, which will hopefully be in a few days. A week at most.”
Dr. Gaslightwala pauses, readjusting his trendy, small-framed black glasses. “This type of tumor grows at an incredibly rapid rate so we’ll need to be aggressive with our next course of treatment. We’ll know more once he wakes up and we’re able to ascertain how he’s handled the surgery. I’m sorry I don’t have better news.” His eyes volley as he takes in our troubled faces. “Does anyone have any questions?”
There’s a long silence.
“Thank you.” Gram manages to find her voice. “I’m afraid we’ll need a little time to digest the information. We know where to find you if we have any questions. Thank you, Dr. Gaslightwala.” She forces a smile, which doesn’t quite reach her pale-blue eyes.
He nods. “Dr. Hashem will speak with you after Samuel wakes up. I’m here if you need anything.” Then he makes his leave towards the nurses’ station.
We do our best to comprehend the news; the news that’s taken us all by surprise. Like naive children, we believed the surgery would be a complete success. We thought as long as he made it through the actual procedure, he’d be fine.
How could we have been so ignorant to believe he’s impervious to this possible outcome?
Cancer doesn’t discriminate.
It doesn’t ask what other difficulties you may have in your life to be sure you’re strong enough to handle it.
It doesn’t stop first to show you its ID to gain admittance.
It doesn’t give preference to the physically fit, or to the out-of-shape.
It doesn’t care if you’ve lived five years, or fifty.
The truth is, no one’s safe from its life altering—or life-ending—invasion.
Before today, we were worried about my pap. But now I see a collective fear on everyone’s face. The gravity of the situation seems to incapacitate us all with its ugly truth.
We spend the remainder of the day waiting for Pap to wake-up. The sooner the oncologist can evaluate him, the sooner we’ll know what we’re dealing with.
Not wanting Pap to wake up alone, the family decides to go home in shifts to sleep. Of course, Gram refuses to leave the hospital, period, so the nurses agree to set-up a cot in Pap’s room. But before the first shift begins, we convince her to have dinner with us in the cafeteria. Since everyone’s so tired, the only way she agrees is if we all go home together. Instead, we make a compromise that Aunt Morgan would stay here with her tonight, and the rest of us would come back in the morning. Even though our house is only fifteen minutes away, there’s still no chance we’d leave her here alone all night.
The ride back to the house is quiet, but I’ve never been more thankful for the time to think. Dru and Dhelia must be just as drained as I am. Sitting around doing nothing somehow seems more exhausting than a day of shopping. Stress has a way of doing that.
The moment my head hits the pillow, my mind shifts to an unfamiliar place. No matter how embarrassed I was this morning, nothing can change how alive I felt when I looked into Hunter Payne’s eyes. Regardless of the reason for my school-girl reaction to him, it’s exhilarating to feel something other than fear—or guilt. I honestly think I’d forgotten how to feel anything else.
I’m sure I’ll never see him again, but I deserve to hold on to this feeling for a while. If nothing else, I can use it as a mental distraction when I need to escape the upcoming hours we’ll be spending at the hospital. It will give me time to figure out where I’d seen him before, since I’m positive I had. How could anyone forget those warm, molten eyes?
As my body relaxes enough for sleep, I play back the entire day in my mind. It’s beyond surreal being back here with my family again. Even more unreal, is that my pap now lays in a hospital bed unaware he’s heading for the fight of his life.
What I wouldn’t give to see my mother now. She’d know just what to say to make everyone feel better. She had an enduring strength which few possess. I wish I had even a tenth of it.
My eyelids give up the fight, falling shut as a vision of my mother comes to me. Had she heard my mental plea? For the first time in my life, I want nothing more than to stay in this vision forever.
My mother stands before me with a smile so warm—so lifelike.
“Mom?” I rush up to her, wrapping my arms around her tighter than I thought possible.
“My darling, Chloe...I’ve missed you so much.” She’s an angelic vision with her flowing, dark-as-night hair—her glowing skin making her more beautiful than I remember.
“I’ve missed you, too.” Years of guilt creep up from my stomach to my throat. “I didn’t handle losing you very well. You must be so disappointed in me for leaving Dru and Dhelia behind.”
I hang my head in shame, unable to look at her. My stinging eyes try to focus, only to shock me as I realize there’s no ground of any kind beneath us. Nothing but fluffy, white clouds. What the....
I’ve never had a vision quite like this before.
She floats closer. “Chloe, how could you possibly think such a thing? You did what you needed to, and there’s no fault in that. What you don’t realize is…you weren’t the only one who felt like they couldn’t handle losing me. Neither could Morgan.” Her calm voice soothes me like a lullaby.
“What?” I lift my head to look at her. “But she never let on like she was having a tough time. I knew it was hard and she missed you, but she always seemed so strong.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, honey. Morgan and I were always so unbelievably connected. More than normal twins, even from opposite sides of the country. I know you never had the chance to know your twin sister, and it breaks my heart. If she hadn’t died at birth, you would have been able to experience the wonderful bond twins share. Instead, what remains is the incurable emptiness your other half left behind. It’s why you’ve always felt so alone…why you’ve been so desperate to feel complete. I would do anything to take away that pain for you.”
My heart sinks at the thought of the sister I’d never know. “I thought I was just trying to fill the void for missing you.”
“Oh honey, that was only a small part of it. You finally understood loss, just like your Aunt Morgan. Only, she needed you more. You saved her life. Your being there was the next best thing to having me there.” She reaches for my hand. “True, we don’t look alike, but you and I have the same heart and the same gentle soul. Your brother and sister only look like me. But you are like me.”
“Really?” My eyes fill. “I didn’t think much of you lived on through me at all. That’s why I needed to be with Aunt Morgan. I wasn’t ready to lose you.” The pain of that memory claws its way through my heart.
“Well, it was the same for her too. You saved one another. Your brother and sister had each other, as well as your grandparents. You were in the right place, so please stop this insane guilt. You did what you were meant to do, and one day Dhelia will realize that. In the meantime, give yourself a break. You were only thirteen years old for crying out loud.” A single tear rolls down her rosy cheek.
“I don’t understand.” My eyes well up to the edge, confusion clouding the heartbreak. “Why couldn’t you have come to me years ago? It would have saved me from so much pain.” Heavy tears now pouring down my cheeks.
An innocent smile graces her lips. “I didn’t come because you really
didn’t need me, Chloe. You might not have thought so, but you were handling things unbelievably well. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”
“I am? Then why are you here now? Not that I’m complaining or anything.” I wipe my face with my sleeve.
“I’m here because I heard your thoughts earlier. I heard you wishing you had my strength. But I need you to realize, not only do you have it...you have more than I ever did. I’m here to make you see yourself the way most everyone else sees you. You are the heart of this family, Chloe. In time, you’ll see it, too.” She takes a deep breath and pauses. “There’s going to be a very difficult road ahead of you...things you won’t see coming. But you will overcome it. This is only the beginning though.” Her brow wrinkles to match her serious tone.
My stomach flip-flops. “What are you talking about?”
“I can’t tell you any more than that, I just need you to prepare yourself and trust in who you are. You have the power to protect our family.” She places her right hand on my cheek, the way she used to when I’d wake up screaming from a nightmare. “Sweetie, tell me you hear me and you understand?”
“Yes, I hear you...but I don’t understand.”
“Don’t worry...you will. I promise.”
“Will I ever see you again?”
“Only if you need me. But never forget I’m watching over you. I always have been.”
She turns her head as if someone’s there, someone I can’t see. “I have to go now, but please remember everything when you wake up. It’s very important.”
“I don’t think there’s any chance of me forgetting.”
“Good. In the meantime, please tell everyone I send my love. Especially your pap. Tell him I’ll be watching over him, too.”
“Okay, Mom. I will.”
“I love you so much, Chloe.”
“I love you more.
She wraps her arms around me with all her might, the warmth of the sun washing over my entire body.
“So, who is this handsome guy who has you so worked up?” She smiles, but before I can respond—she’s gone.
I wake to the stillness of my dark bedroom.
Did that just happen, or am I finally losing it?
I climb deeper under my down comforter, remembering every word she spoke.
Why wouldn’t she tell me more?
I guess there’s no chance I’ll figure it out now, so I might as well focus on the good things she had to say. Like the fact that she’s not disappointed in me. How is that even possible?
I hold on tight to my pillow, replaying the vision again. And again. She made it clear I need to remember, so that’s just what I plan to do.
* * *
As the sunlight beams in, forcing my eyes open, I find myself not minding it’s time to crawl out of bed. The guilt that usually parks on my chest like a tw0-ton-dump-truck, is lighter somehow.
Nothing can ruin this feeling—not even Dhelia’s biting sarcasm.
I inhale the fresh morning air coming through the window—take a steaming shower—then throw on khaki Capri’s and royal blue tank.
For the umpteenth time, I replay my mother’s words while I paint on a bit of make-up, finding new strength each time the vision begins. I’m dying to share my vision with my family, but I’m not sure how to approach the subject.
Like a skilled chess player, I plot various scenarios and strategize the possible outcomes. Each time, Dhelia meets me with disbelief and argumentative behavior. I’m sure there’s no way around it, but I do need to tell her and the others. Whether they believe me or not.
I grab a rubber-band and smooth my hair back into a ponytail, convincing myself I’m sure I’ll know when the time is right. Satisfied after one last perusal in the mirror, I set off on my mission.
I walk downstairs expecting to be alone this early in the morning, but to my surprise, both Dru and Dhelia sit in the kitchen having their tea.
The second I spot them my resolve begins to fade. “Hey. Morning, guys.”
“Hey.” Either Dru didn’t sleep well, or he’s hung-over. His slumped-over posture is a bit out of the norm.
“Rough night?” I raise my eyebrows in mock judgment.
“Oh, let’s just say it was a long night and leave it at that.” Dru stares at his cup, playing with his spoon like a toddler.
If my brother doesn’t say what’s on his mind, it’s cause for concern. He’s an open book by nature. But I won’t press it until later when he’s had a chance to wake up.
Getting no response from my sister, I greet her again. “Good morning, Dhelia.”
“Morning,” she replies in a low monotone, with not even a hint of snark.
Great. This is guaranteed to be a long day at this rate. “I can just get something to eat at the hospital, so whenever you guys are ready, just say the word.”
Dru flies off his chair like a bolt of lightning. “I’ll drive!”
I don’t ask any questions as he rushes out the door—I just follow. I make it to the car before Dhelia, but I jump in the back to avoid any potential for an argument.
After ten miles of awkward silence, tension fills the car like a hitchhiker.
“Would you stop it already?” Dru shouts at Dhelia.
“I’m sorry,” Dhelia snaps, but her frowning expression paints the perfect picture of remorse. That’s a new one!
Did I miss something? “What’s going on with you two?”
Dru snorts. “Dhelia refuses to control her hormones, and she’s driving me nuts with her negativity. I feel it for us both and I can’t take it right now.”
Oh, wow. Now I get it. “Well, can’t you calm her? I remember you doing it when we were kids.”
He scrunches his eyebrows, glaring at me through the rearview mirror. “Not when I’m already upset myself. I can’t focus enough to even try.”
“Come on, Dru…just take a few deep breaths and relax.”
He obeys.
Ok. If he’s gonna listen, I’ll see if I can help. “That’s good, Dru, a few more. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Feel any better?”
He nods. “Yeah, some.”
He’s so rattled. I can’t stand seeing someone so sweet, tormented over something that’s out of his control. “Good, now think about what Dhelia’s feeling and try to make it disappear. Can you feel it?”
“Oh yeah, no question there,” he quips, not even trying to hide his sarcasm.
“Okay, now focus. Imagine you can physically wrap your hands around it and pull it from her.” I give him a few seconds. “Are you pulling?”
He focuses. “Yes, I have it. But what do I do with it.”
I open my mouth to speak, but I’m muted by a revolting sound coming up from his lungs—like the wind is being sucked out of him.
The car swerves out of control, as panic—and déja vu—overcome me.
I lean up, putting my hand on Dru’s shoulder. “Pull the car over, Dru. Keep your eyes on the road and pull over.”
He responds to my command, bringing the car to a screeching stop on the side of the road. Thank god there were no other cars around!
I rub his shoulder. “Close your eyes and breathe, Dru. Deep...slow...breaths.” He continues repeating the exercise, his labored breathing normalizes.
“Are you okay?”
“I think so. Man, that was wild.” He laughs. “How the hell did you do that?”
Chapter 4
The Decision
Huh? “What do you mean? Do what?”
“You helped me take away her pain...pull it into myself...then get rid of it.”
I squint, cocking my head to the side in disbelief. “No I didn’t, you did. I was just trying to keep you calm so you could focus. I remember how hard that always was for you.”
He laughs. “Yeah...still is.”
Oh, crap. Dhelia. How’d I forget about her? “Dee, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She pulls off her seat belt then twi
sts around to face me. “No. I’m better than fine. I feel great. I seriously thought I was having a panic attack. I tried so hard to control it, but the harder I tried, the worse it got. I’m so sorry, Dru.” Her eyes well up, turning to her other half.
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have gotten so mad. I know you weren’t doing it on purpose. Please don’t cry, Dee.” Dru lays his hand on her knee.
Dhelia turns to face me again. “Thank you, Chloe. Seriously. Thank you.”
Whoa. Where did that come from?
“Ah...you’re welcome.” I barely did anything more than make a few minor suggestions to help him breathe.
But I’ll leave it alone. These moments are rare, so there’s no sense spoiling it.
Dru puts the car in drive, pulling back onto the empty country road like nothing happened. I notice him watching me in the rearview mirror with a grin on his face. We just had a breakthrough. And like me, I think he knows it’s only the beginning.
Dhelia leans forward to turn on the radio as Dru opens the sunroof, allowing the perfect sixty-five-degree May morning to permeate through the car. Now that feels fantastic.
I smile, leaning back to enjoy the wind—and this moment. This is a much better way to start the day.
Ten minutes later we make it to the hospital, but no one’s in sight near Pap’s room. We head to the nurses’ station, only to learn they’ve taken Pap down for a few tests. Gram and Aunt Morgan must have gone for a walk to stretch their legs.
It’s extra quiet this morning. Business must be slow on this wing, which is a good thing. Either that or most are still sleeping. No worries—we’ve come prepared. We brought books, newspapers, magazines and a deck of cards. The latter was Dru’s doing. Since the waiting room is empty, we find the most comfortable corner and settle in for the day.
About twenty minutes after we sit, we hear familiar voices coming down the hall. Gram beelines straight for us. “Good morning, kids. How’d you sleep?” Her smile is as warm as ever. My heart breathes a sigh of relief.
The three of us look at each other and shake our heads, but I answer, “Not too bad. Had a dream that woke me up, but other than that, I slept well.” It’s the perfect time to start paving the way towards sharing my vision.
Tethered (A BirthRight Novel) Page 5
