by Sophie Stern
“She did?” After all this time, she wanted me to know the son she’d hidden away from me?
“She did. You’ll still have to go before a judge to be declared Colby’s legal guardian since you’ve never had custody of him before, but it’s going to be easy. We have all the paperwork and you’re an upstanding citizen, Carter Blair. You’ve got this.”
“Colby? That’s my son’s name?”
“Colby Blair.” Jason hands me a piece of paper and I stare at it. Sure enough, it’s my son’s birth certificate.
“She gave him my last name.”
Jason nods.
“From what I can tell, she cut ties with her parents shortly after they found out she was pregnant. They urged her to have an abortion and she refused, so they disowned her. She managed to finish graduate school with scholarships and student loans and got a job at a legal firm until she became sick.”
“So he doesn’t have any other family.”
“He doesn’t have any other family, Carter.” Jason places his hand on my shoulder, and I soak up the support he’s offering me. “You’re his dad, Carter. Are you ready to go meet your son?”
Chapter 3
Savannah
If you had told me this morning that I was about to be thrust into a world of parenting, I would have laughed at you.
Then Carter got that phone call, and now the idea doesn’t seem so silly anymore.
“I need a minute,” Carter tells Jason, and Jason nods.
“I’ll be right down there,” he points to the end of the hall. Jason pats me on the shoulder as he walks away. “Talk him down,” he says quietly.
Talk him down.
That’s basically been my relationship with Carter since he’s moved back. I’m his best friend. I keep him grounded, rooted. When things get too hard to deal with, I help him relax. When life gets too stressful, I offer him comfort. When he’s afraid, I calm him.
And he does the same for me.
Now he turns to me and there’s pain in his eyes. It shoots straight to my heart and slowly crushes the breath out of my chest.
“Baby, it’s going to be okay,” I murmur, and wrap my arms around him. Carter is no small man, but he lets me hold him for a minute. He lets me give him this.
I was there when Carter came back from school. He wanted to go to graduate school with Cherise. He’d begged her to choose a program they could both go to, but she had been adamant that she wanted space. She wanted time away from him, away from men in general. She wanted to be alone.
Why wouldn’t she have told him about Colby?
Carter is going to be a great dad. I consider him to be the friendliest of his brothers. He’s great with kids and often, I think he’s just a big ol’ kid himself. He’s kind. He’s thoughtful. He’s sweet.
Carter is going to be so fucking good to this kid.
He just needs someone to believe in him.
“I don’t know anything about kids, Savannah,” he whispers.
“It’s going to be okay,” I repeat.
“I don’t know how to be a dad.”
“It’s going to be okay.”
“What if he doesn’t like me?”
“It’s going to be okay.” Now I press my hands to his cheeks and make him look at me. And oh, Carter’s eyes are piercing. Even when he’s hurting so obviously, he’s fucking gorgeous.
Everyone seems to know it but him. I can’t name a single girl in town who hasn’t wanted to jump his bones since high school, but Carter has been suspiciously single since he moved back home. I’m not so naïve to think he hasn’t slept with anyone, but he hasn’t had a serious girlfriend since he moved back in with Wyatt and his folks.
When his parents left on their little around-the-world adventure last year, I thought for sure he’d find someone new, bring her home, and set up shop.
Only, he didn’t.
Wyatt was the one who fell in love.
And now Carter is getting a family of his own, but without a woman to love. Part of me feels sad for him. Part of me feels jealous. Carter is going to be an amazing dad and he’s going to be an amazing husband to someone someday.
I just really, really wish it was to me.
I wish I was the one he came home to.
I wish I was the one he had children with.
I wish I was the one he married, the one he promised to love, the one he promised to cherish.
He doesn’t look at me like that, though. He never has. He’s always been my best friend. I was friend-zoned long ago and now I have no idea how to get out. What would I even say, anyway? “I know you have a kid now, but by the way, I’m secretly in love with you”? In what world would that actually work? Surely not mine.
Carter is a lot of things, but most of all, he’s honest. If he loved me the way I love him, I think he would have told me by now. I think he would have said something. He hasn’t, so I think it’s fair to assume that Carter views me as a little sister, as one of the guys, as a friend.
I hug him tightly, then pull away, silently trying to hold myself together. I have to keep it together for him. If I start crying now, I’ll never stop. Plus, he’d be trying to calm me down instead of trying to comfort his son. Carter’s about to meet a sweet little boy who has never had a daddy before and I have a feeling the journey isn’t going to be easy for any of us.
“Let’s go meet your son, Carter.” He nods and holds my hand as I lead him down to Jason. Carter doesn’t say anything. I know that inside, he’s freaking out. Inside, he’s already feeling weighted with guilt. He’s asking himself why he wasn’t there for his son. He’s asking what kind of father abandons his son. He’s asking why he didn’t inherently know he had a son.
Before we meet Jason, I stop and turn back to him one more time.
“Carter, this isn’t your fault.”
“I should have known,” he shakes his head.
“There was no way you could have known. There was no way to predict this. It is not your fault. You cannot blame yourself.”
“My entire relationship with Cherise was a rollercoaster. You know that better than anyone.”
I nod because he’s right. When he came back to town after their breakup, he was a wreck. He was a big, sad, Carter-shaped wreck and it took years for him to get his head on straight. He had it bad for that girl.
“Everything we did together was wild. It was fast. It was passionate. We skipped classes and stayed up too late and went to parties and just had fun.”
“And then she wanted more.”
“Yeah. I thought she just wanted space, but it was time for both of us to grow up. I should have recognized what was happening. It’s just, I thought that was all it was, you know? I thought it was just us growing up. I didn’t know it was her entering parenthood without me.”
“Carter…”
“What kind of father am I, Savannah? It’s not like today is my first day being a dad. You get that, right? I’ve been a dad for years. I just haven’t known it.”
“This isn’t your fault.”
“I should have known I had a son. I’ve essentially been neglecting him while I’m busy with my brothers. What? Is figuring out how to attract tourists more important than raising my kid?”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I…”
I wrap my arms around Carter. He tenses in surprise, then relaxes in my embrace. I pull him close to myself and whisper in his ears until he finally calms down. I can see Jason watching us, but silently thank him for staying away. Carter needs me right now and sometimes physical touch is the only real way to get through to someone.
“This is not your fault. You cannot blame yourself.” I repeat this over and over to him until I’m sure I sound like a broken record. “ Promise me, Carter.”
His eyes look sad, but finally he manages to nod. Once I’m convinced he’s not just trying to placate me, I step back. Then I have to take a deep breath and try to get my arousal under control. I’m such a freak somet
imes. Only a weirdo would get turned on hugging her best friend while he was sad.
There must be something seriously wrong with me.
Carter is hurting.
He’s hurting and he’s sad and he’s about to be in for one hell of a week, and all I can think about is that hug. All I can think is that it’s the most action I’ve seen in months.
I want more.
We follow Jason through the station and to a tiny room. Inside, there’s a little boy sitting on a chair and a woman standing beside him. She’s rubbing his soft brown hair and whispering softly to him.
“Everything is going to be just fine,” she’s telling him. “When your daddy gets here, he’s going to be so happy to see you.”
She couldn’t possibly know that, yet she isn’t wrong.
Carter is going to be a great dad.
The woman continues talking with the little boy for a few more seconds, then they seem to notice they aren’t alone in the room anymore. When the woman looks up, I recognize her immediately.
Arielle Greg is one of the best social workers Honeypot has ever had. She mostly helps take care of older people, but sometimes she deals with family affairs and custody battles. Even a shifter community has trouble with domestic issues on occasion. Today Arielle is trying to take care of Colby, and I know that both Carter and I will be forever grateful to her.
“Well, look who it is, Colby,” she says as we walk into the room. “It’s my good friends. This is Carter and Savannah. Can you say hello?”
The little boy looks up at us and blinks his big, beautiful eyes. I choke back a gasp. Talk about family resemblance. He looks exactly like Carter did as a little cub. I should know: I was there. Carter and I grew up together in Honeypot and I remember exactly what he looked like as a scrawny little kid.
I don’t turn to see Carter’s reaction to his first glimpse at his son, but he’s gripping my hand tightly, and I know he’s thinking the same thing: this is definitely his little boy. There’s no doubt about it.
The kid’s got a mop of brown hair and deep brown eyes. His skin is light with just a few little freckles sprinkled across the bridge of his nose.
Yeah, he’s going to be a bear shifter, all right.
And a heartbreaker, if I trust my instincts.
The kid eyes us wearily, and I notice the dark circles under his eyes. When was the last time he got a good night’s rest? He doesn’t look abused, but I’ll bet he hasn’t really gotten to talk to anyone about his mom’s death yet. I’ll bet he’s bottling it up and feeling completely alone.
He looks at Carter first, but his eyes quickly dash away. He chooses instead to focus on me. He looks at my hair, then my clothes, then my hands. If Carter is going to be raising this little boy, I’m going to be around a lot. I’ll be around every damn day if I can, so I’m going to make the most of the moment. I’m going to start our relationship off right.
I squat down so I’m closer to his level, and I hold out my hand.
“Hi Colby,” I say quietly. “I’m Savannah.” I wait patiently for a minute. It’s a long fucking minute. My sister Selena used to hate strangers and anytime she’d meet someone new, she would completely freak out. I remember many of them getting frustrated and yelling at her when she wouldn’t warm up to them immediately.
Then one day, a man did what I’m doing now. He squatted down, held out his hand, and waited her out. Eventually, Selena shook his hand. That man ended up being one of her biggest supporters and allies. Rufus Brown owns the diner where Selena works now. It’s not exactly a glamorous job, but she loves what she does and she loves looking after the old man’s pride and joy now that he’s too old to be at the restaurant every day.
Now, as I sit patiently waiting for Colby, I’m wondering if he was crazy. I’m thinking that my thighs are burning, my ass is burning, and my heels are burning. Come on, kid. I’m going to fall over if you don’t move soon.
To my surprise, instead of shaking my hand, Colby throws his body at me, into my arms, and both tumble backwards onto the floor. I bang my head on the cold floor and it stings like a motherfucker, but I manage to bite back any curse words and instead wrap my arms tightly around Colby, who is suddenly crying up a storm.
Carter starts to rush to my side, but out of the corner of my eye, I can see that Arielle motions for him to stay back.
“She’s okay, Blair. She’s okay. Give them a second, okay?” She moves across the room to Carter and Jason and I can barely hear what she’s saying over the sound of Colby crying.
“…been through a lot…hasn’t connected with anyone…needs a place to stay…needs to belong…”
I find myself rubbing Colby’s back and gently whispering that everything is going to be okay.
Everything is going to be fine.
Your daddy loves you.
We all love you.
We’re so happy you’re going to be with us in Honeypot.
It’s all going to be okay.
Nothing bad is going to happen.
It’s all going to be just fine.
Just fine.
Just fine.
I only hope I’m telling the poor kid the truth. After a few seconds, I sit up, still holding him in my arms, and keeping rubbing his back. Slowly, his tears stop, and then I feel his body stiffen and right away, I know why. Carter has joined us. His scent invades my space and it’s all I can do not to start rubbing my cheek on his arm.
What am I, a cat?
Seriously.
My reactions to Carter are starting to get out of control and I know it’s only a matter of time before our relationship comes to a standstill. Sooner or later, Carter is going to find out how I feel about him and things are going to get very, very awkward between us.
“Um, hey, Colby,” Carter says nervously, clearing his throat. Colby tightens his grip on me.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I tell him. “Carter’s a cool guy. He’s my best friend. Bet you didn’t know that, did you?”
“He’s my daddy,” Colby whispers, and now it’s Carter’s turn to tense.
“You know who I am, buddy?”
“Yes. You’re Carter Blair. You’re my dad. You used to love my mommy.”
I swallow, trying not to cry. Cherise told Colby about his dad? Why would she tell him all about Carter, but not let them meet? Why the fuck didn’t she tell Carter? He could have been there for her when she was diagnosed with cancer. He could have been there for his son when he was losing his mom.
If she wasn’t opposed to Colby knowing about his dad, why didn’t she just tell him?
There could be a million reasons why, and unfortunately, we’ll never know exactly what they are. Maybe she was scared. Maybe she didn’t want to mess up his life. Maybe she thought it would be easier if Colby just had one parent, but as I see them connecting now, I really, really wish Cherise had made a different choice.
“That’s right, buddy.” Carter reaches out and slowly touches Colby’s back, breaking the touch barrier. He doesn’t want to invade the poor kid’s space, but he also doesn’t want Colby to freak out if he gives him a hug.
At some point, Carter is going to have to touch Colby, and these first instances of physical contact are so important. Carter doesn’t have to tell me he’s worried his son may have been abused or neglected. Colby looks petrified and we can all smell his fear, but is he afraid of being hurt or is he scared because his mom is dead?
Colby doesn’t flinch as Carter rubs his back and the three of us sit there for a minute before Arielle speaks again.
“Colby, you’re going to spend the night at Carter’s tonight.” Colby’s eyes dart up to Arielle, then back to me.
“Will Banana be with me?”
I’m confused for a second, but then I realize he means me, and my heart melts a little bit because it’s the cutest damn nickname I’ve ever heard.
Banana.
Arielle fights back laughter, but looks to me.
“I’m not sure,” she says. �
��Will you be at the Blair ranch tonight, Savannah?” I can tell by her question she’s wondering if there is more than meets the eye. She’s wondering if there’s something going on between Carter and me. She’s wondering if I’m going to try to weasel my way into being Colby’s new mommy.
“I can stay over, if that will make you more comfortable, Colby. It’ll be fun. We can have a sleepover.” I squeeze his hand, trying to be encouraging. It seems to work because he nods slowly, then peeks over at Carter. He doesn’t say anything, but Colby seems to be sizing him up.
I wonder if Carter is what he expected, if he’s living up to Colby’s expectations of what he thinks his father should be. Maybe soon I’ll ask him, but right now, we just need to get him comfortable with the idea of going home.
Once Colby acknowledges that he’s ready to head to Carter’s place, we collect his little backpack of belongings. Arielle pulls Carter aside and I hear her giving him instructions and letting him know how things will go with Cherise’s personal belongings. Her will dictated that most of it be donated to charity, but Colby will get a few things. Their home was a rental, so Carter isn’t going to have to deal with selling it or anything like that.
It’s one less thing to worry about, but Carter won’t see things that way. No, I already know I’m going to be helping him fight the guilt on this one.
Carter is going to blame himself for not knowing he had a son. He’ll argue that he should have known. Logically, there was no possible way Carter could have known he was a dad, but he won’t see it that way.
He cares too deeply for the people in his life to see things so simply. While it’s one of the things I love most about Carter, it’s also one of the most challenging things for him to deal with. He loves with all of his heart, which means that when someone is hurting or in pain, he feels it with all of his heart, too.
Luckily, it doesn’t sound like Cherise’s parents plan to contest the will. They aren’t going to try to snake Colby away or get custody of him, so that’s one less thing for Carter to worry about. In fact, the only thing he needs to focus on right now is making his little cub as happy and comfortable as possible.
