by Steve Korte
Back in the living room, two giant music speakers had emerged from robotic Scar Man’s shoulders. Bass-thumping disco music now filled the room as Scar Man danced from one robot foot to the other.
Cyborg entered the room and called out over the loud music, “Good news, bro! I figured out how to reattach all your body parts!”
Scar Man closed his eyes and kept dancing. “Can’t hear you,” he said to Cyborg.
“It’s a simple procedure, and you’ll be back to your old self,” Cyborg yelled even louder.
Scar Man shook his head and said, “No, thanks, bro. I prefer to remain awesome. Hey, check this out…flame thrower!”
Blaaaaaam!
A cannon-shaped nozzle emerged from his robotic arm and shot out a giant flame that burned a hole in the wall. As Cyborg stared at the hole in disbelief, two giant rocket boosters emerged from Scar Man’s robotic feet.
“I’m taking this party sky-high!” he said and blasted up in the air, crashing through the roof.
Cyborg shook his head sadly and said, “There must be a way to make him realize that what he’s done to his body is terrible!”
Just then, former Beast Boy’s right arm crawled into the living room and wrapped itself around Cyborg’s leg.
“Hmmm,” said Cyborg. “That gives me an idea!”
Later that day, Scar Man was standing outside Titans Tower, looking tough, blasting some tunes from his shoulder speakers and shooting lasers out of his new robot arm into the sky.
Just then, Cyborg called out to him in a sarcastic tone of voice, “Hey, Beast Boy! Look at me! Look at how tough I’ve made myself!”
Scar Man’s one good eye widened when he saw how his teammate had transformed himself. Cyborg had removed all his robotic body parts and replaced them with former Beast Boy’s discarded body parts!
Pop!
Cyborg’s new arms and legs transformed into animal parts.
“Check out these fierce gorilla arms,” Cyborg said. “And how about these awesome horse haunches?”
Pop!
Cyborg’s gorilla arms changed into giant crab claws.
“Ooh, crab claws!” Cyborg said as he clicked his claws together. “So tough! Do these horse legs make me manlier?”
Scar Man was shocked. “What have you done to yourself, Cyborg?” he asked.
“I’m teaching you a lesson,” Cyborg replied, “that cutting off body parts and replacing them with other parts is not cool!”
“Uh-huh,” said Scar Man, who was not convinced. “What else?”
“Taking care of yourself is way more important than looking tough, man!” Cyborg yelled.
Scar Man rolled his eye and asked, “You done yet?”
Cyborg sighed and admitted defeat. “Yeah, I guess I’m done,” he said. With a sad shake of his head, he slowly turned away.
Scar Man watched as Cyborg trotted away on his horse legs. Suddenly, Scar Man felt bad that he had ignored his friend’s advice. He walked over to Cyborg.
“I’m sorry, bro,” said Scar Man. “I guess I kind of got carried away in my pursuit of toughness.”
Cyborg looked down at his crab claws and horse hooves. With a laugh, he said, “I think we both got a little carried away!”
Scar Man smiled back at his friend. “You do look pretty tough, though, dude!” he said.
“You really think this looks tough?” Cyborg asked.
“You just upped your tough factor five times!” Scar Man declared.
“Then let’s get out of here and tough it out with a burp-off, bro!” Cyborg said as he reached up a crab claw to high-five Scar Man’s robotic hand.
Later that day, Cyborg and Beast Boy were back to their normal selves, sitting on a couch in the Titans Tower living room.
Burrrrrp! went Beast Boy.
Belllllllllch! went Cyborg.
It was early Tuesday morning in Titans Tower, and Beast Boy was snoring gently in his bed as the first rays of sunshine came creeping through the blinds in his window. Suddenly, his eyes popped wide open, and a big grin filled his face. He hopped out of bed and ran to the calendar on the wall. This day on the calendar had been circled with a thick red marker. Tiny stickers with stars and cakes surrounded the date.
“Oh, yeah!” said Beast Boy. He danced from foot to foot and happily sang, “My name is B-Boy! Today’s my b-day! I’m gonna eat some yummy b-cake and score some awesome b-presents!”
He quickly slipped on his uniform and ran a comb through his hair. Taking a look in the mirror admiringly, he said to his reflection, “Bro, today you are the center of the universe! Now get out there and make your friends sing you a song, watch you blow out your candles, and shower you with presents!”
Beast Boy bounced down the hall and then burst into the living room, doing his happy dance. No one looked up at him. Robin was studying a chart, Cyborg was watching TV, and both Starfire and Raven were reading.
“What’s happening, everybodies!” Beast Boy called out to his teammates as he danced into the room.
Cyborg turned away from the TV screen for a moment and said, “Look at you!”
Beast Boy ran over to him and pressed his face close to Cyborg’s. “Yeah, you will look at me!” Beast Boy said. “All day long!”
“Oooh, someone is feeling the good feelings,” Starfire observed.
“That’s right!” Beast Boy agreed. “Because today is my special day!”
Raven didn’t even look up from her book. “What’s so special about today?” she asked.
“Like you don’t know,” Beast Boy said with a laugh. “Now, c’mon! Let’s get this party started.”
Robin checked the calendar app on his phone. “There are no parties scheduled for today,” he said very matter-of-factly.
Beast Boy stopped dancing for a moment, totally confused by the reaction of his teammates. Then he smiled.
“Oh, I get it!” he said with a grin. “You guys are doin’ it surprise style. I love it! I’ll just step out of the room for a moment!”
As Beast Boy bounded out of the room, Raven shook her head. “Whatever,” she muttered.
Beast Boy stood in the hallway outside the living room for almost two minutes, slowly counting, “One, two… cake is in the room. Three, four, five… candles are lit. Six, seven, eight… party hats are on. Nine, ten… they’re ready for me!”
He then called out in a loud voice, “I wonder what my friends could be doing now?”
With that, he charged back into the room, jumping high in the air and landing with a thud, as the Titans ignored him. Beast Boy surveyed the room with disbelief. There was no cake, and there were no presents!
“Okay, I got it,” Beast Boy said as he stood up and walked out of the room again. “You need more time to set it up. I’ll be back!”
“Make it a decade,” said Raven in an annoyed voice.
Thud!
Beast Boy jumped back into the living room. There was no party. He stalked out again.
Thud!
Once again, he made an appearance. Once again, he was ignored.
Thud!
He bounded into the room again.
“Will you stop doing that?” Robin yelled at him.
“Yeah, bro,” agreed Cyborg. “We are trying to quietly enjoy our activities.”
Beast Boy thought for a moment, and then he said, “Oh, man. You guys must have really big party plans for today!”
He then ran over to Cyborg and pried open his robotic chest plate. Beast Boy peered inside and listened as his voice echoed, “What’s in there? What’s in there? What’s in there?”
Cyborg angrily tossed Beast Boy onto the couch, where he bumped into Raven and Starfire.
“Beastie, what the heck is wrong with you today?” Cyborg demanded.
“I thought maybe you had something for me inside there,” Beast Boy explained. “You know, something that’s square, with colorful wrapping paper, and maybe a big red bow. You know what I’m saying?”
Cyborg shook
his head with dismay. “You’re freaking me out, dude,” he said.
Wee-o! Wee-o!
Suddenly, the Titans Tower crime siren started wailing. Robin ran to the computer.
“Crime alert!” he called to his teammates.
Beast Boy sat on the couch while the other Titans jumped into action.
“Good cover,” he said with a smile. “Does this ‘crime alert’ involve cake and wrapping paper?”
“No!” said Robin with exasperation. “There’s a herd of elephants on a crime spree downtown!”
Beast Boy winked at Robin and said, “Right, dude! While you guys take care of those criminal elephants, I’ll wait here ready to be surprised.”
Raven looked at Beast Boy and shook her head. “Whatever,” she said.
“Titans, go!” called out Robin as the others rushed out of the Titans Tower.
Beast Boy sat back on the couch and folded his arms, a satisfied smile on his face. He was content to wait.
As the day dragged on, and his friends failed to return to the Tower, Beast Boy smiled and waited.
When the sun started to go down, Beast Boy was still alone, sitting in the dark, smiling and waiting.
When the clock struck 11:00 p.m. and there was still no party, Beast Boy jumped off the couch and stalked into the kitchen. He was no longer smiling.
“What a great party, bros!” Beast Boy said with a laugh. “And now it’s time for you to watch me open my presents.”
Beast Boy was sitting at the kitchen table, wearing a brightly colored party hat. Surrounding him were some of his favorite stuffed animals, one in each kitchen chair.
Beast Boy lifted a stuffed giraffe and pried open its mouth, pretending that the giraffe was excitedly talking to him and laughing.
“Today is all about you, Beast Boy!” he said in a squeaky voice as he wiggled the stuffed giraffe’s mouth.
Beast Boy then reached for a box of cereal and ripped it open, spilling a handful of flakes into his hand.
“Oh, wow!” he said as he popped the cereal into his mouth. “So thoughtful!”
He then grabbed a stuffed crocodile and opened its mouth.
“Open my present next!” he said in a gruff voice.
Just as Beast Boy was opening a box of dried pasta, his teammates entered the kitchen. They stared at the scene before them with disbelief.
“Bro, what are you doing?” asked Cyborg.
Beast Boy glared at the Titans and said in a sulky voice, “I’m just enjoying my birthday since my real friends forgot! Want some cake?”
With that, he offered Cyborg a chunk of swiss cheese that had a small candle in it.
“We did not do the forgetting,” Starfire gently explained to Beast Boy. “We knew it was your birthday.”
Beast Boy was astonished. “Then why didn’t you treat me like I’m the center of the universe?” he demanded.
Robin put his hand on Beast Boy’s shoulder and leaned in to explain, “Because other people’s birthdays are so boring! Awkwardly singing that birthday song…”
“And the eating of the birthday cake with the spittle and candle wax upon it,” added Starfire. “Yuck!”
“Watching gifts being opened and pretending to care,” said Cyborg with a yawn.
Beast Boy frowned and said, “Dudes, I’m sorry my birthday is such a bummer for you, but it’s nice to have one day a year when all the attention is on me!”
Raven looked worried. “I totally forgot it was your birthday,” she said. “You should have told me!”
Beast Boy smiled and put his arms around Raven, giving her a tight hug. “Thanks, Rae-Rae. You’re the only one who really cares about me!”
Blam!
Raven knocked Beast Boy to the ground and said, “I don’t care about you! But there are cosmic consequences to forgetting someone’s birthday. What time is it?”
Cyborg flipped open his chest plate to reveal a digital clock. “It’s 11:59 p.m.,” he said.
“Almost midnight!” Raven said frantically. “We have one minute to shower Beast Boy with attention before the day is over!”
She looked at Beast Boy’s party hat and the torn boxes of cereal and pasta on the table.
“Okay, he has presents,” she said. “We just need to sing to him! Everybody, c’mon…”
Beast Boy smiled as his teammates began to sing to him, “Happy birthday to…”
Clong!
Cyborg’s digital clock chimed when midnight arrived.
“Nooooooo!” screamed Raven.
Her teammates looked confused. “What’s the big deal, Raven?” asked Cyborg.
“That is the big deal,” said Raven as she pointed to Beast Boy, who, at the stroke of midnight, had been transformed into a small infant wearing a diaper.
“Waaaaaah!” cried baby Beast Boy.
The next day, the Titans gathered in their living room. Baby Beast Boy was still crying, just as he had done all night long. None of his teammates had gotten a good night’s sleep, and they were all tired.
With a yawn, Starfire walked over to Beast Boy and picked him up. He finally stopped crying, and she said, “Who is the good Beast Baby? You are the good Beast Baby!”
Cyborg turned to Raven. “So Beast Boy is a baby because we didn’t celebrate his birthday?” he asked skeptically.
“When we go to birthday parties and just stare at the person while they eat cake and open presents, we create time anchors,” Raven explained. “This allows the person to grow old naturally. Without those time anchors, the universe has no idea how old you are. You can see the disastrous results for yourself!”
“That’s messed up,” said Cyborg. As he looked at Beast Boy, Cyborg let out a yelp and said, “Whoa! That’s even more messed up!”
The Titans turned to stare at Beast Boy and were astonished to see that he had transformed into a little old man.
“Did I ever tell you kids about the time I had to walk to school through eight feet of snow?” he said in a scratchy voice.
“Eeek!” said Starfire as she dropped senior Beast Boy on the floor.
Robin pondered the situation. “There must be something we can do to fix him!” he said.
Raven sighed and said, “Well, there is one way to save him. We need to celebrate his birthday at the center of the universe.”
Starfire, Robin, and Cyborg all gasped. Beast Boy coughed and said, “In my day, a quarter bought you a comic book and candy, and you still got some change back!”
“The journey to the center of the universe is perilous,” said Raven. “We may not make it back.”
Cyborg looked at Beast Boy, who was now walking across the room using a cane.
“Well, maybe he’s not so bad this way,” Cyborg said reluctantly.
“The baby Beast Boy is adorable,” agreed Starfire. “And the senior Beast Boy has wonderful stories.”
Raven turned serious. “You are all forgetting… middle age!” she warned.
They all looked at Beast Boy, who suddenly transformed into a middle-aged man with a giant gut that popped open the buttons on his shirt.
Middle-aged Beast Boy sighed. “Would you look at the time? I’m going to be late for work,” he said as he ran a comb through his hair, stretching four greasy strands of hair in a futile attempt to cover up a bald spot at the top of his head.
“Yuck,” said Robin. “Okay, Raven. Lead the way!”
In the middle of the Titans Tower living room, Raven magically opened a portal that led to the center of the universe. One by one, the Titans stepped through the portal, then the door slammed behind them. What they saw on the other side of the door astonished them.
The Titans were floating through outer space, but there were no stars or planets around them. Instead, giant birthday items surrounded them. A frosted angel food cake floated by. A box covered in gift wrap bumped into Cyborg. An immense birthday sparkler suddenly materialized, set itself on fire, and started sending off sparks.
“Welcome to the center
of the universe,” said Raven. “This is where everyone wants to be on his or her birthday.”
Starfire gasped. “Oooh, it is very festive!”
“Don’t let the birthday goodies fool you,” cautioned Raven. “This place is actually super-boring. If we don’t complete all the birthday rituals before that sparkler burns down, we’ll be stuck here forever. And we’ll have to clean up after the party, too!”
“Clean up?” Robin shrieked. “We can’t let that happen!”
“I really should be heading to my office now,” said middle-aged Beast Boy as he carefully placed a sandwich into his briefcase. “I’ve used up all my vacation days.…”
“There’s no time to lose!” said Robin. “He’s stuck in middle age!”
Pop!
A giant chair suddenly materialized under Beast Boy, and a table covered with birthday presents appeared in front of him.
“Let’s get this party started with the most important part—the song!” said Cyborg, who started singing, “Happy birthday to…”
“No!” yelled Raven. “It is a violation of the intergalactic copyright laws to sing that song in outer space. We’ll need to make up a new birthday song.”
“How hard can that be?” said Cyborg. After pondering a moment, he started singing, “Hey, you, great job being born. You stayed alive again this year.…”
Robin joined in, “La la la la, you are the amazing birthday person.…”
Starfire finished the song by adding, “The cake with too much frosting will be enjoyed by all.”
There was a moment of silence before Cyborg asked, “Did it work?”
Blam!
Confetti erupted around the Titans. A new door suddenly appeared, and the Titans cautiously walked through it. The burning sparkler followed behind them.
“We have successfully completed part one,” said Raven.
“Would somebody please call my office and let them know that I’m going to be late?” grumbled middle-aged Beast Boy.
