by Various
loftily away from the counter without herchange if the robber behind it is a little reluctant about counting itout.
Because she is too independent to pay the landlord $2.25 for her dinner,and then pay the head-waiter $1 to send her a waiter who will bring itto her for 50 cents.
Because she will hold her money tightly in her own good little righthand for two hours until she first gets a receipt for it from the fellowwho made her husband pay the same bill three times last year. Not any"just give you credit for it" for her.
Because one day a Pullman porter complained to me "No money on thistrip; too many women aboard. Don't never get nothin' out of a woman'ceptin' just her regular fare." I had just paid him 25 cents forblacking one of my boots and losing the other; and when he said that,when I saw for myself the heroic firmness of those women, travelingalone, paying their fare and refusing to pay the salaries of theemployes of a wealthy corporation, I said: "These women have a right tovote. To vote? By all that is brave and self-reliant and sensible, theyhave a right to run the government!"
--_New York Star._
"Urtication" is a new cure for rheumatism. It means pricking the skinwith a bunch of fresh nettles. Perhaps "hurtication" would be a betterword for it.
--_San Francisco Alta._
What a glorious world this would be if people lived up to the epitaphson their tombstones.
--_Hutchison News._
It Was a Bad Mixing Up.
In an English country church the curate had to give out two notices, thefirst of which was about baptisms and the latter had to do with a newhymn book. Owing to an accident he inverted the order and gave out asfollows: "I am requested to announce that the new hymn book will be usedfor the first time in this church Sunday next, and I am requested tocall attention to the delay which often takes place in bringing childrento be baptized; they should be brought on the earliest day possible.This is particularly pressed on mothers who have young babies."
"And for the information of those who have none," added the rector, ingentle, kindly tones and who, being deaf, had not heard what had beenpreviously said--"and for the information of those who have none, I maystate, if wished, they can be obtained on application in the vestryimmediately after service to-day. Limp ones, one shilling each: withstiff backs, two shillings."
--_Chicago Chronicle._
Last Year's Trouble.
Stranger--Your town seems awful dead. Had a scourge of any kind?
Citizen--No.
"No small-pox or yellow fever?"
"No."
"No floods or famine?"
"No."
"Well, what ails your town this year?"
"Nothing ails it this year, but a boom struck it last year."
--_Omaha World._
America is not given to jewelry, gauds or trappings, but those familiarwith the business say that she has a seal ring.
--_Detroit Free Press._
Some one suggests that John L. Sullivan's bust be placed on the newtwo-cent postage stamps. But Sullivan can't be licked.
--_N. Y. News._
At the Ball.
George (referring to young lady just entering, in evening dress)--Ah,here is something pretty nice coming in!
Clarence--Something coming out, I should say.
--_Journal Amusant._
A Thrilling Social Episode.
There was a young lady named Moll Who purchased a new parasol, With a handle so long That she had to be strong Or she couldn't have lugged it at all.
She met a young man who, 'twas plain, Was staggering with might and main To steady his gait 'Neath the terrible weight Of his dreadfully cumbersome cane.
So intent was the beautiful Moll In lugging her long parasol, That she passed the young swain With the cumbersome cane And never once saw him at all.
What a narrow escape for that swain! Had she recognized him he would fain Have lifted his hat; But how could he do that And carry his cumbersome cane?
--_Washington Post._
Some of the Vassar girls have organized a gum-chewing association. Theymeet for cul-chaw.
--_Burlington Free Press._
It is not good to take tea in the middle of the day. The man who triedit in an Austin grocery store when he thought the clerk was not lookingis our authority.
--_Texas Siftings._
THE IRISH WIDOW.
Mrs. Magoogin's Promised Donation to the World's Fair Committee.
"Did ye hear about the Wurruld's Fair, Mrs. McGlaggerty?"
"Sorra's the wurrud, me frind. Fwhat's there about id, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"Noo Yarrick is goin' to have id."
"Is that so, now?"
"Yis, an' they're roisin' the money fur id, avourneen," said the WidowMagoogin. "A committay's bin appinted to go around an' ax payple fwhatthey're willin' to shushcroibe an' they pits down the names an' printsthim in the papers, an' there's a hully-balloo an' jubilorum, an'uv'rybody sez Noo Yarrick is a fine place, an' that brings the Wurruld'sFair to iz, Mrs. McGlaggerty. Now, thin, fwhat ar' you goin' toshushcroibe fwhin the committay calls round to see ye, Mrs.McGlaggerty?"
"Divil a cint Oi have to give thim, Mrs. Magoogin," said the neighbor.
"Fy fur shame, Mrs. McGlaggerty--that's no way to be afther thraitingthe committay. Fwhere's yer h'art, woman? Have ye no sinse, at all, atall, alanna? Fwhisper an' I'll tell ye fwhat Berdie Magoogin's goin' tosay to thim fwhin they comes an' axes her to shushcroibe. 'Gud mawrnin',Mrs. Magoogin.' they'll say to me. 'The same to ye, sors,' Oi'll say tothim. 'Fwhat'll ye shushcroibe to the Wurruld's Fair this foinemawrnin', ma'am?' they'll ax me nuxt. 'Fwhat did the McGuffin's beyantgive ye?' Oi'll ax thim. 'Nawthin',' they'll say to me. 'Thin id'sbreakin' their h'arts they ar' intoirely givin' nawthin' to aninterproise av this koind, sors,' Oi'll say to thim. 'An' fwhat'll weput ye down for, ma'am?' they'll say to me. 'Well, gintlemin av thecommittay,' Oi'll say to thim, puttin' an me Sunda' shmoile an' howldin'me head as proud as a paycock--'well, gintlemin,' Oi'll say, 'it isn'tmooch that Berdie Magoogin has--there's only the shanty an' the goat an'a bit av furnicher, some av fwhich is in pawn--but Oi'll tell ye fwhatOi'll do, gintlemin,' Oi'll say to thim. 'Berdie Magoogin'll agree togive twinty-noin thousan' eight hundhert an' tin dollars out av her ownpocket to the Wurruld's Fair, aff the committay kin foind noineteenother widdy womin an Cherry Hill that'll do the same thing, an' how dizthat praposishun shoot ye, gintlemin?' Oi'll say to thim. Thin they'llgo away shmoiling an' they'll tell uv'rybody about id, an' uv'rybody'llsay how ginerous is Mrs. Magoogin'v!
"But sure'n ye haven't no twinty-noine thousand dollars to give thim, mefrind?" the neighbor interposed.
"No more has th' other noineteen widdies, Mrs. McGlaggerty--so ye seethere's no danger av anny av iz losin' mooch, an' ow, wow, but won'tpayple think that we're gin'rous. Id's a byootiful bloof Oi'll be afthergivin' thim, Mrs. McGlaggerty--nawthin', acushla, but a byootifulbloof."
--JOHN J. JENNINGS _in Sunday Mercury_.
His Awful Confession.
"Were you ever engaged in a train robbery?" asked the prosecutingattorney, looking at him keenly.
"I was never indicted for train robbing," answered the witness,evasively.
"That is not the question," said the lawyer. "I will ask you again. Wereyou ever a train robber?"
"Judge," said the witness, turning imploringly to the dignitary of theBench, "must I answer that question?"
"You mus
t," answered the judge. "And remember you are under oath."
The witness turned pale and his knees knocked together.
"I suppose it's got to come out. I sold books and bananas on the carsfor a whole year when I was a young fellow," faltered the miserable man.
--_Chicago Tribune._
"The greatest point," writes a specialist in the treatment of obesity,"is to find the right diet." But the greatest point in these cases,after all, is the embonpoint.
--_Philadelphia Ledger._
While there is a great variety of conditions submitted with the handsomedonations made to aid the fair, it is noticeable that there is entireunanimity in one thing--the "if."
V. S.
An Accommodating Boss.
A gang of men were at work on a city street, when a slight, beardlessyouth laid down his pick, and approaching the foreman, said to him:
"Can I take a fit, sir?"
"Take what?" asked the foreman.
"A fit--I feel one coming on," replied the young man, without emotion.
"Why, certainly," said the foreman.
So the young man walked over to a bit of grass under a leafy tree--itwas a new street in the suburbs--and had a fit.
Then he went and washed his face, came back to his place in the line,took up his pick and struck into work. After the day's work was over theyoung man said to the foreman: "You don't mind my having fits?"
"No--I guess not if you do a fair day's work."
"Well, you see I used to work for a butcher an' he wouldn't let me takefits--said it interfered with business--an' I thought you might feel thesame way about it."
And the young man works hard with pick and shovel and takes a fit oncein a while as you or I might take a drink of water.
--_Pittsburgh Dispatch._
High Up.
Hollis Holworthy--Yes, I've been looking up some of my ancestors,and----
Miss Beacon--I guess you found a good many of them up a tree, didn'tyou?
--_Harvard Lampoon._
A burning question among the Rochester newspapers is: "Have bicycles anearnest purpose?" The fellow who has just shot over the handle-bar ofone is convinced that they have.
--_Buffalo Courier._
Old General Debility was for a time held responsible for the Alleghenybaseball team's wretched work in this season's campaign, but now theblame is being divided with old John Barleycorn.
--_Pittsburgh Post._
Her Perennial Experiences.
"One day when living at Beaufort, S. C.," said a gentleman the otherday, "the young colored nurse in my family came in with a terriblylugubrious face. Around her head was wound a white cloth, which extendedfully two feet above.
"'What on earth is the matter, Tilly?' said my wife.
"'Oh! I's a-seekin'.'
"'What are you seeking?'
"'I'se a-seekin' 'ligion.'
"'Do you have to wear that when you are seeking religion?'
"'Oh, yes, miss. I has to wear that to mortify de flesh.'
"That afternoon she came to her mistress and said: 'I cyarn't tek keerde chill'n dis afternoon. I'se got to go to de woods an' wrassle wid desperut.'
"She 'wrassled' for four days, and finally came in with a beamingcountenance, and with the cloth taken from her head. She had found Jesusand had been baptized. 'Tilly,' I said, 'do you have to go through thatperformance every time you get religion?'
"'Yes, Marse Thompson!'
"'How many times have you been baptized in the course of life?'
"''Bout leb'n times.'"
--_Washington Post._
"Kin a Quack Move?"
There was company for dinner at Dilly's house and they were enjoying thefirst course, which consisted of oyster soup. Dilly made away with hersfor some time in silence until she had nearly cleaned the plate, whenshe suddenly paused, and looking at her mother across the table, said,in a stage-whisper: "Mamma, what you fink?--dere's a hair in my soup!"
"Hush, Dilly," said mamma, frowning; "it's nothing but a crack in theplate."
Dilly moved the bowl of her spoon back and forth over the supposedcrack, and then exclaimed, triumphantly:
"Kin a quack move?"
--_Philadelphia Times._
The only thing that a man can borrow in this world without givingsecurity is trouble.
--_Lawrence American._
Sleeping With the Baby.
"Grindstone," exclaimed Kiljordan, in a tone of severe rebuke, as heleaned wearily over the aisle of the car, "why don't you get up and givethat lady a seat? I would do it myself, only I've been doing the work oftwo men at the office for a whole week."
"My wife has been away from home for two days," answered Grindstonefeebly, "and I've been sleeping with the baby."
"Madame," called out Kiljordan, rising briskly, "I'm not at all tired.You may have my seat."
--_Chicago Tribune._
Out of Practice.
Lady of the house (to tramp)--You eat as if you never had seen a meal ofvictuals before!
Tramp--Madam, you must excuse me. I s'pose I do eat awkward, but thefact is I hain't had much practice lately.
--_Life._
What it Did.
"Stop that!" roared the exchange reader as the dramatic editor struckinto the first bars of "He's in the Asylum Now."
"What's the matter?" mildly asked the offender.
"Why, when you sing your voice sours my paste," was the explanation.
--_Buffalo Express._
As He Knew Them.
School Teacher (to boy at head of class, the lesson beingphilosophy)--How many kinds of force are there?
Boy--Three, sir.
"Name them."
"Bodily force, mental force and the police force."
--_Punch._
Needs an Amendment.
Client (in Chicago)--I want a divorce.
Lawyer--For what reason?
"My wife cannot make good coffee."
"I am sorry, but the law is not broad enough for a man to get a decreeon mere coffee grounds."
--_Time._
THE IRISH WIDOW.
Mrs. Magoogin Discusses a Proposed Trip to Paris.
"Oi say, Mrs. McGlaggerty!"
"Arrah, fwhat is id, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"War ye uver in Parish, Oi dunno?"
"Is id me in Parish, Mrs. Magoogin?"
"Yis, you, Mrs. McGlaggerty. 'Twas to yersel' Oi was shpakin'."
"Me in Parish--the rale polly-boo-pancake Paris, Oi shuppose ye mane,Mrs. Magoogin?"
"Oy, the same, me frind."
"Well, Oi was never there, thanks be to gudness."
"An' no more was Oi, me frind; but Oi hope there was no harrum in axin'ye," said the Widow Magoogin. "An' how Oi kem to ax ye was jisht this,d'ye see: The Montmorincy McGues acrass th' way had a fallin' out wudaich other in the back yard two noights ago lasht Winsda', an' they medthat mooch av a rooction that foor polaicemin was called in be thenaybors, an' they had to shplit Micky Montmorincy McGue's nose in threehalves an' opin'd a hole in his wife Cordaylia's head that ye kud pit ataycup into before they'd be quoiet an' lave the daycint payple livin'on aither soide av thim go to shleep. The polaice tuk Micky to th'shtation house an' begorrah the Joodge sint him to th' Oisland furnoinety days. Now, d'ye know fwhat the Montmorincy McGues ar' gi
vin'out? They're tellin' ivrybody that Micky's gone over to th' ParishUxposition be the rekusht av the King an' Queen av France, an' thathe'll have a room all to himself in the palace av the Tooriloories, wudwall paper an inch thick an the walls an' oice water to wash his handsin an' a naygur to loight his poipe fur him an' howld it fwhoile heshmokes. Mrs. Montmorincy McGue throied to give me the sthiff aboutMicky an' the Parish Uxposition, but we hear ducks, Mrs. McGlaggerty.That's an owld gag av th' sassoi'ty folks, Mrs. McGlaggerty, to partindthey're goin' to Europe fwhin they're only tin maile out in th' counthrypuyin' foive dollars a waik fur boord, an' Oi'm rale sarry to know thatthe payple av Cherry Hill ar' takin' to id. Oi thawt Oi'd pit ye an toth' gag, Mrs. McGlaggerty, bekase wan of these byootiful blyue Danubedays mebbe ye'll be hearin' that Mrs.
