by Diana Rivers
We were four hard days on the road. Just before dusk on the fourth, we were met by our sentries and escorted through the familiar circle of great trees into the clearing. I heard my name being shouted ahead of us and felt a sudden rush of dread.
Sure enough, my reception was just as bad as I had feared. Pell would not speak to me, not a single word. She stood waiting in the middle of the clearing with Maireth next to her, arms crossed, dark brows drawn together in a single line, staring past me angrily. When I was off the horse and walking toward her, the force of her anger was so great I had a sudden impulse to drop to my knees and crawl the rest of the way. Women were quickly gathering around, but none dared greet me or speak to me at that moment. There was a terrible silence. Then Pell said loudly to Maireth, still without looking at me, “Tell ‘that one’ I will waste no words on her. She is no longer second-in-command here. She has broken my trust and endangered all our lives. She can go make the cookfire for Renaise.”
I saw some of the new ones nudging each other, whispering and giggling behind their hands. I remembered how the dogs in Nemanthi would slink away with their tails between their legs when the village boys threw rocks at them. That was how I felt at the moment though I tried hard to stand still under the lash of her tongue. Every word she said was deserved. She said much more, all of it to Maireth and all of it Maireth repeated to me, so that I had the doubtful pleasure of hearing it not once but twice over. Poor Maireth, she seemed quite uncomfortable in this role, too embarassed to meet my eye.
When there was a long enough silence so that I felt sure Pell had nothing more to say, I bowed my head slightly. Keeping my eyes to the ground, I said to Maireth, “Tell my Captain that I hear her and I understand. Tell her that I regret my folly and the danger it put us in more than I can say. Tell her I will do whatever she commands.”
Maireth began to repeat my words to Pell, but Pell spun on her heel and strode away, saying loudly to those she passed. “Ha, who could believe anything she says? She can only see what is right before her face, and even that is not clear to her. What good is she? I was a fool to put my trust there.”
While the others began to drift away, embarrassed, I stood staring at the dirt till I felt Alyeeta shaking me. She must have been watching from her doorway, waiting till Pell was finished. Telakeet must have been in the shelter, too. She spit in front of me as she walked by, but Alyeeta opened her arms, pulled me against her and hugged me tight. “Oh, child, I never thought to see you alive in this world again,” she said with her lips against my hair. “You are an uncommon lot of trouble, I must say, but you have taught this old heart to love again, a thing I thought could never happen, so you must be worth something after all.”
“Oh, Alyeeta, I am so sorry for those dreadful words I spoke to you that night. It was like a madness...What can I say? What can I do? How can I make it right again? Will you ever...?”
“You can begin by being quiet about it. After that we will think of some other suitable punishment.”
“Alyeeta, I will never, never speak to you that way again.”
“Take care what you say. There is a lot of living to be done between us before we are finished with each other. Let us not make any rash promises, eh? Besides my tongue is not always so kind.”
“Alyeeta, I promise you.”
“Peace! The promise is in the living, not the words.” Alyeeta drew me into her shelter and soon had me out of my clothes and lying on her bed while she rubbed some healing salve on my cuts and bruises and caressed me tenderly. At some point she leaned forward and said fiercely in my ear, “No matter what that one may say, I am very glad to have you back. Now I can sleep the night through again.”
Very slowly at first, and very gently, she began loving me with her hands as she rubbed me with oil. Soon my aching body forgot its pains and melted open under her touch till I moaned and shuddered with pleasure. I slept in her embrace that night. Later I woke in the dark to hear myself sobbing loudly like a child and felt her arms fold around me.
When I went out next morning into the confusion of the camp, I was dreading the encounter with the others. With luck, the first person my eye lit on was Kazouri. Somehow her great bulk seemed reassuring, almost comforting. She was examining my long-legged, clumsy horse, walking round and round, patting his thick neck and heavy rump. Much to my surprise he was rubbing his head against her arm with what appeared to be affection. I was relieved when she turned to give me her big open grin.
“Tell me, Tazzi, how did you come by this fine beast?” she shouted at me in her friendly way. “Surely you did not earn him with all your wickedness.” That was exactly what I thought, but I believe she meant it quite differently.
When I came close that brute lowered his ears and snaked his head around. I stepped back in haste. Kazouri laughed and gave him a cuff on the neck. Keeping my distance, I described my ride back on the creature.
“So you are less than pleased with him. Do I have your leave then to try him out?” she asked eagerly.
“Try him out if you want and do whatever else you please with him. You can leave him on the Bargguell for all I care.”
She swung herself up with no effort. Suddenly the stubborn plod of yesterday turned into a new creature. Arching his neck and tail, he trotted off at a nice pace while Kazouri sat very tall and upright on him. In a few minutes she came back with her eyes glowing and her face flushed with pleasure. The horse’s neck was damp with sweat. He was tossing his head as if impatient to keep going. She was smiling down at me from her high place on his back.
“What a fine fellow,” she said, petting his neck. “A horse built to carry me. That is rare enough. Besides that we have such good mind-touch. What can I trade you for him? From what you say you will not miss him much. I know you have lost Marshlegs. I also lost my horse in Eezore and was given a nervous little thing in her place. She is too light for me but perhaps you would accept her in trade.”
“Anything would be better for me than this bone-crusher.”
“Crusher, eh, not a bad name.” She leapt from his back and tossed me the reins while she went off to fetch the other one. Crusher snorted, pulling and tugging to follow after her.
When Kazouri came back my heart leaped at the sight of the sleek little black mare who tossed her head and danced sideways at the end of the reins. This was no farm pony, this was a high bred horse probably raised for some rich Shokarn lady. When I reached out to touch her and she lipped my hand and blew through her nostrils, I could feel my mind slip comfortably into hers.
“I am afraid she is not worth much,” Kazouri said apologetically, “too nervous and high strung for our use.”
“No matter, ‘Crusher’ is yours. Clearly he was meant to be. I will have this one or some other, it matters little.” Even as I said these words my heart was pounding. My hands trembled with eagerness to be on her back. The minute I was mounted I was hooked like a fish on a line. She fit between my legs as if we had come into the world that way. She slipped in behind my heart and notched herself into my spirit like my double-self. Marshlegs had been loving and loyal and steady, but this horse was like my twin, our spirits matching each other and meshing together. Eager to go, she shifted about under me, tugging at the rein in Kazouri’ s hand.
Kazouri shook her head and looked at the horse with disapproval, saying, “She should be called Nervous Dancer. She has not the wits to stay still. I am afraid this is not much of a trade, Tazzi.”
“Stop muttering, Kazouri, and give me the reins,” I said impatiently.
As we started off I leaned forward to lay my cheek for a moment against the warm silk of her arched neck. “Dancer,” I whispered to her, “my Dancer.” When I looked up again I saw Rishka watching me with admiration on her face.
I could not give the horse her head in that crowded clearing, but I danced twice around Alyeeta’ s shelter, conscious of her smiling at me from her entryway. I was soaring with pleasure as from a good loving until I caught Pell’
s angry and reproachful eye. Quickly I rode back to Kazouri. “Take her back. I do not deserve her,” I mumbled with my eyes cast down and my voice full of pain.
“Nonsense,” Kazouri said in her rough, kind way. “You may be a fool but you still need a horse to ride and better for all of us if it is one that suits you. Anyhow, someone must ride this nervous fool. It surely will not be me, not if I can help it. Besides I have already decided you cannot have Crusher back. You do not deserve him.” So in that way the horse question was settled.
I spent the rest of the day by the cookfire, trying to keep out of sight and out of the way, helping Thalyisi and following her commands. This freed Renaise to go about that disaster of a camp making order. As we worked, Thalyisi told me the gossip of the camp, what the new ones were like and who had found new lovers and who was quarreling with whom. I had been surprised to see Maireth there, thinking she would be at Pell’s shelter instead. Thalyisi told me she had come in for supplies and been appointed a reluctant second-in-command in my absence.
While we chopped food and hauled wood and stirred pots, I occasionally heard Renaise’s voice over the general uproar. “Is this how you live in your fancy houses? You are worse than pigs in spite of your finery! Or do you think one of us will be your maid and pick up after you? Not likely! Clear all that garbage away or I will add it to the cookfire! Now! Fast! Move!”
Thalyisi laughed and said with some malice in her voice, “The proud ones of Eezore are not used to this sort of living. They have much to learn.”
“And Renaise is out there teaching them,” I said with a companionable laugh. Perhaps it soothed my pain to hear someone else being scolded.
While I was scrubbing some potatoes, daydreaming of running Dancer through a field of spring grass with her mane whipping in the wind, a sudden loud commotion broke out near Alyeeta’s shelter and caught my attention. A dark, skinny woman was yelling at Pell, her arms flailing like sticks in front of Pell’s face.
“What took you so long to get your ass into the city? We had been living in sewers like rats, starving there, waiting and waiting for some help or some hope while you were camping here at your ease under the trees.”
“Who is that?” I asked Thalyisi in shocked amazement.
“Murghanth,” she hissed back, her voice full of loathing, “one of the Sheezerti, the sewer-rats they brought back from Eezore. I think they should have left her there to rot. Her mouth is as filthy as the sewer she crawled out of, nothing but trouble, that one. The one in back of her is Teko, another one of that worthless scum.” I remembered saying the same thing of Rishka, “Nothing but trouble, that one.”
Pell must have been answering quietly, for soon Murghanth burst out again, “Did you forget you had sisters in the city? Did you think the Star-Born were only birthed in stables in the country? What did you imagine would happen to us all behind those sealed gates? Were you waiting for us to die in their fires?”
From behind her the woman named Teko said in a loud strong voice, “Enough Murghanth, they risked their lives to get us out. We are free. Let that be an end to it.” She put a hand on Murghanth’s arm but that one shook her off, shouting again, “Lies, lies, it is not us, the sewer-rats, they came for. They came to free the fine ladies from the Great-Houses. Us they would have left to die.”
With no thought I found myself running up from the fire. “Stop that!” I shouted at Murghanth, jumping between her and Pell. “You have no right to speak that way of Pell. She is the one who dragged us all to Eezore to free you. Yell at the rest of us for our reluctance, if you want, but not at Pell. She has given her whole life to saving the Star-Born, gives it again and again. She had been plotting and planning night and day to get into the city, but could not find a way past the gates till Askarth came to show us the tunnel.”
“Askarth yes, she wanted to rescue her pampered babies. And why do you speak up for Pell when she treats you no better than a dog?”
“It is no worse than I deserve,” I shouted back. “You know nothing of what happened and it is no business of yours.”
“And this is no business of yours, Tazzi,” Pell said, putting a hand on my shoulder and pushing me aside. “Leave be, girl, I can speak for myself. Maybe she needs to say these things and have them heard so she can have room for something else in her head. It is for me to defend myself. Go look to the cookfire before it goes out. Renaise is busy elsewhere.” These were the first words Pell had spoken to me since I came back and though they were rough and careless, still they made my heart leap with hope.
As I stepped back I saw Kazouri come striding in, looking like a fire mountain about to explode. She walked straight up to Murghanth as if she planned to pick her up and shake her. Instead she stopped right in front, looming over her and bellowing, “Pell is chosen leader here. If that does not sit well with you, woman, go find your safety elsewhere. If you are to stay here you must keep the peace of this camp.” By now many women were gathering around to watch. The dozen or so ranged behind Murghanth and Teko I thought to be more of these sewer-rats, these Sheezerti.
Not at all intimidated by Kazouri, Murghanth snarled at her, “If you are such a power here then why are you not the leader instead of that one?” Those last words were said with a contemptuous toss of her head in Pell’s direction.
More quietly Kazouri said, “I have my own kind of power, Murghanth, but Pell has the brains here. She has been weaving this network for years, weaving it since long before the Zarns’ edict, long before the rest of us saw what was coming. If you cannot accept that then you do not need to be here.”
In spite of her usual good nature, no one in camp would have thought of antagonizing Kazouri. Not even Rishka was so foolhardy, but Murghanth shouted back right into her face, “So now Pell has brought in her bully boy to defend her and do her dirty work. I say she left us to rot until the fine ladies of Eezore needed her.”
Kazouri gave a roar of rage and lunged forward as if to kill. At the same moment I saw Alyeeta step out of her doorway with a look on her face that froze my blood. She shouted, “Silence!” so loud the whole camp must surely have heard her. Then she raised her terrible pointing finger. I wanted to call out, no Alyeeta, no, please, but the words would not come. Swinging her hand so that she pointed in turn to each of us in that circle around Pell and Murghanth, she said some strange words that made me shudder and made some ritual gestures. Then in a loud, clear, angry voice she added, “I have listened enough to this dog pack, snapping and snarling outside my home. If I had the power I would silence you all for a day, longer even if I could, but I must save my strength for Shalamith who lies ill and wasting because of what she did for your sakes. Soon you will be able to speak again. Be careful how you use that gift when it comes back to you.” With those words she spun around and vanished into her shelter.
We all stood staring at each other, open mouthed and speechless. Kazouri was frozen with her hands raised as if ready to bring them down around Murghanth’s throat. There was a circle of absolute silence at the very center, though at the far edges of the clearing I could still hear the murmur of voices.
As soon as our own voices came back and we could speak again, Pell said quietly to Murghanth, “I think there are some things we need to talk about and settle between us, but not here. Teko should come, too. Perhaps she can help us find a way to hear each other.”
I was trembling inside, my teeth clenched with fear, but Pell sounded as calm as if some small annoyance had just past.
Murghanth’s face had changed. There were beads of sweat on her forehead and across her upper lip. Her eyes were wide and her voice shook as she tried to control her fear. “Then let Kazouri come too,” she said in a hoarse whisper.
There was a general movement in that circle of women who had gathered to watch, as if they planned to follow. Pell said quickly, “The rest of you go back to your duties. Thank you all, but we do not need your help.” I stood and watched as the four of them went off together through the
camp in the direction of the stream. The other women were also staring after them.
After that I went back to the fire to sit by Renaise, who had returned and was finishing my work with the potatoes. She looked up at me with a grin. “Well, you certainly rushed off at top speed to mix into that mess. You would have been better off sitting here with these potatoes. They cause much less trouble than those city women. I wonder if your friend Alyeeta could silence guards that well with her little spell.”
Shaking my head, I sat down beside her and let out a great sigh. “If I live to be as old as Hamiuri I will never understand her.”
“Who?” Renaise asked me. “Alyeeta?”
“No,” I said, “Pell.”
“Oh, Pell,” she said with a shrug. “Alyeeta I will never understand, not if I lived to be twice Hamiuri’s age. But Pell, with Pell it is easy enough. She may be proud and bristly and all the rest of that, but in the end she will do whatever she thinks best for the Star-Born, no matter what the cost to herself. In that she has no pride at all. It is that easy to understand.” She sat staring into the fire for a while, then added suddenly, “And no matter the cost to any single one of us either, as we both know.”
Later, while I was helping serve out the evening meal, Alyeeta came looking for me. “Shalamith is asking for you, Tazzi. She is in much need of healing and calls your name. Will you come back with me?”
“I am needed here,” I said quickly, looking down so as not to meet her eye. I could feel myself shrinking away from those loved hands that just the night before had brought me to so much pleasure.
