by Mike Resnick
Her body was wracked by sobs, which made it pretty hazardous for anyone standing in her immediately vicinity, like especially me, so I spoke up and said, “I don’t want to be presumptuous, Miss Felicity, ma’am, but if you’re that unhappy about being an elephant, why not just have Doctor Mirbeau change you back into the charming lady bank-robber or mad bomber you were to begin with?”
Felicity began crying even harder and louder.
“You simply do not understand our situation,” said Ramon.
“Sure I do,” I said. “You’re a bunch of worthless lawbreaking scum, meaning no offense, what probably committed a passel of crimes against the laws of Man and God, and came here to avoid the just and righteous punishment of an outraged citizenry.” Ramon snarled, and Miguel glared at me and began pawing the damp ground, but I held up a hand. “This is your lucky day,” I said. “Your troubles are solved. I just happen to be in the salvation business. And as an introductory offer, I’ll forgive any five heinous sins for the price of four.”
“Our biggest sin is stupidity,” sniffled Felicity.
“I absolve you!” I said. “That’ll be $1.83 in cash.”
“Do you see pockets on any of us?” said Miguel.
“Okay, we’ll put it on the cuff,” I said. “Just be sure you pay me before you leave the island or I may have to tell God to strike you dead, and He’s such a busy critter that I really hate to bother Him unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
“We’re never leaving the island again,” muttered Ramon unhappily.
“Why not?” I asked. “I mean, you’ve got your ready-made disguises, so why ain’t you and Miss Felicity out in polite canine and pachyderm society?”
“We were,” said Miguel. “Well, some of us were.”
“And some of us have never left the island,” said Felicity. “You’d be surprised how few places in South America an elephant can go without drawing undue attention.”
“Yeah, I can see where it’s difficult to hide out in a crowd if there ain’t no crowd on hand,” I said. “Maybe you should have hitched a ride to Africa.”
“I don’t want to go to Africa!” she wailed. “I just want to be a woman again.”
“Our transformations were completed a decade ago,” said Ramon. “The police are no longer hunting for us. Our case files are closed. We have returned to the island to be changed back into human beings.”
“Well, that seems reasonable,” I allowed.
“It’s reasonable,” said Ramon. “It’s just not likely.”
“Oh?” I said. “Why not?”
“Because that foul fiend has raised his prices!” growled Ramon.
“It’s extortion!” chimed in Miguel. “Where is a moose going to get fifty thousand dollars — especially in these difficult economic times?”
“And there’s no sense threatening him,” added Felicity. “He knows that we don’t dare risk hurting the one man who can turn us back into men and women.”
“So you figure you’re going to be a full-time long-term elephant?” I asked her.
She began crying again. “I used to be so beautiful! I never wanted to be an elephant! I wanted to be something sleek and feline. And thin. Do you know what it’s like for someone who counted calories all her life to eat five hundred pounds of grass and shrubs a day on a minimum maintenance diet?”
“There there,” said Miguel, trying to comfort her. “There there.”
“And the worse part of it is Cedric!” she continued.
“Cedric? Who’s Cedric?” I asked.
“My partner,” said Felicity. “Doctor Mirbeau turned him into a mouse, and now I’m scared to death of him!”
“What did you two do before you came here?” I asked.
“Hardly anything at all,” said Felicity. “We didn’t kill anywhere near as many of my husbands as they claimed. Just nine or ten.” She paused. “Maybe twelve at the outside.”
“You don’t know how many husbands you killed?”
“Some of them died from natural causes,” she said defensively.
I didn’t see no sense in arguing with her, because it was certainly natural for a heart to stop beating after someone had pumped half a dozen bullets into it.
“At least Cedric is alive and wandering around the island somewhere,” said Ramon. “Not like poor Omar.”
“Omar was your partner?”
“Yes.”
“What happened to him?” I asked. “Did he die on Doctor Mirbeau’s operating table?”
“No,” said Ramon. “Doctor Mirbeau turned him into a rabbit.” A tear came to his eye. “I ate him.”
“You ate your own partner?”
“It was instinct,” said Ramon. “He shouldn’t have run. Ever since the operation I have this compulsion to chase things.”
“How about you?” I said, turning to Miguel. “You got a partner too?”
“No,” said Miguel. Then: “Well, not anymore, anyway.”
“But you did have one?”
“I had four,” he said. “A father, two sisters, and a brother. It was a family business.”
“And are they wandering around the island too?” I asked.
“No,” said Miguel. “I turned them all in for the reward years ago.”
“So here we are on the Island of Lost Souls,” said Ramon, “just a few hundred yards from the man who could transform us back into human beings but refuses to do so.”
“Sometimes I get so frustrated I could just sit on him,” said Felicity.
“I know you’re having dinner with him tonight, Doctor Jones,” said Miguel. “Could you intercede with him on our behalf?”
“Well, actually, I was kind of planning to intercede with him on my behalf,” I replied.
They begged and cajoled and Ramon started growling and I was afraid Felicity was going to start crying again, so finally I gave in and promised to speak to him at dinnertime.
“Thank you, Doctor Jones,” said Miguel, who I decided wasn’t a bad guy for a moose. “Our prayers go with you.”
Suddenly Felicity trumpeted in terror and raced off screaming into the jungle, knocking down trees right and left as she went.
“What was that all about?” I asked.
“She probably saw Cedric again,” said Ramon in a bored voice. “It happens all the time.”
“Poor baby,” said Miguel. “What a comedown.”
“Was she really that pretty before the operation?” I asked.
“Compared to what?” said Ramon.
“She was much prettier then than she is now,” said Miguel. He stopped and mulled on it for a minute. “Well, a bit prettier, anyway.” He thunk a little more. “If not prettier, at least smaller.”
“And she smelled better,” added Ramon.
“Well, this has been a fascinating conversation,” I said, “but I think it’s probably time for me to head back over to Doctor Mirbeau’s house for dinner.”
“Good luck, Doctor Jones,” said Ramon.
I started traipsing back through the jungle, and after a while the rain let up and pretty soon I found myself at the front door. I was going to open it when something big and shaggy opened it from the inside.
“You are expected,” he said, stepping back to let me pass.
“You sure ain’t,” I said, staring at him.
“Have you got something against gorillas?” he asked me.
“Not a thing,” I said quickly. “Some of my best friends are gorillas, or so close to ’em as makes no difference. I just ain’t never encountered one working as a doorman before.”
“I hope you don’t think I enjoy being a house servant,” said the gorilla.
“It ain’t never occurred to me to seriously consider whether a gorilla would be happy as a butler,” I admitted. “But if you don’t like it, what are you doing here?”
“I’m hiding from the police.”
“Back up a minute here,” I said. “I thunk you got turned into a gorilla so you wouldn’t have
to hide no more.”
“I should have saved my money and taken my chances,” he said bitterly.
“But you look exactly like a gorilla.”
“I used to be a professional wrestler,” he said. “The police saw through the surgery instantly.”
“You looked like this when you rassled?” I asked.
He opened a cabinet and produced two photographs.
“Before and after,” he said, and sure enough I couldn’t tell one from the other.
He led me into the dining room, where Doctor Mirbeau, dressed in a sweat-stained white tropical suit and a dirty tie, was already sitting at one end of the table, and the gorilla motioned that I was to sit at the other end.
“What do you think of my island now that you’ve had a little time to explore it?” asked Doctor Mirbeau.
“I suppose it’s one of the nicer islands I’ve ever encountered,” I said.
His face brightened. “So you like it?”
“Except for the heat, and the bugs, and the mud, and the rain, and the talking animals, and the fact that you won’t let me leave,” I answered.
“I can’t control the other things, but I’ll order the animals to leave you alone.”
“Actually, they asked me to speak to you on their behalf,” I said.
He made a face. “I thought as much.”
“Mighty few animals can lay their hands, or whatever passes for their hands, on fifty thousand dollars,” I said. “Why don’t you turn ’em back into men and woman and let ’em pay you afterward?”
“I can’t,” he said.
“Why not?” I asked. “Ain’t a delayed payment better than no payment at all?”
“It’s out of the question,” he said.
“That don’t make no sense,” I protested. “You need money to continue your work. These animals ain’t got two cents to rub to-gether. If you don’t operate on ’em, they won’t never have no money, but if you do operate then maybe they’ll be able to get some.”
“Forget it.”
“Why are you being so stubborn?” I said.
“Because I don’t know how to turn then back!” he bellowed. “That’s what I need the money for — to pay my expenses until I learn how!”
There was an angry trumpeting outside the building, and Doctor Mirbeau suddenly turned even whiter than his suit.
“What was that?” he asked in a shaky voice.
“If I was a betting man,” I said, “I’d lay plenty of eight-to-five that Felicity heard every word you just said with them oversized ears of hers, and that she is more than a little bit displeased with you.”
“Oh my God!” he whispered.
“I got a feeling God’s otherwise occupied at the moment,” I answered as a couple of lions began roaring, “but I’ll be sure to tell Him you called.”
Pretty soon some monkeys began screaming, and then a few eagles and leopards chimed in, and Ramon began howling, and it was pretty clear that it wasn’t so much an island of lost souls as deeply annoyed and exceptionally noisy ones.
“Save me, Doctor Jones!” he cried.
“I thought I was your prisoner,” I said.
“Don’t quibble over technicalities,” he said. “Save me and everything I have is yours!”
“As far as I can tell, everything you have is an island a trillion miles from anywhere and a bunch of angry animals that want your scalp,” I said. “Somehow it don’t seem like much of an inducement.”
He held up his right hand. “See this ring? That’s a six-carat diamond! Save me and it’s yours!”
“It’s a mighty pretty bauble,” I said. “But I could just sit back and pick it up when they finish dismembering you.”
“What kind of Christian are you?” he demanded.
“A live one,” I said as a jaguar leaped onto the roof and began pacing back and forth. “I’ll ask you the same question thirty minutes from now.”
“All right,” he said. “There’s five thousand dollars in my safe. You can have half.”
“Half?”
“Surely you don’t insist on all of it?” he said.
“I don’t insist on any of it,” I told him. “I think I’ll just watch them hunt you down and rip you to shreds like a naked mole rat, except for the mole rat part.”
“All right!” he said. “It’s all yours! Just save me!”
“It’s a deal,” I said. “Though officially and for tax purposes you’re giving the money to the Lord; I’m just holding it for Him until Him and me can build our Tabernacle. Now go hunt up the money while I run a couple of plans past Him and see which one He prefers.”
As soon as he left the room the gorilla walked up to me.
“Are you really going to save him?” he asked.
“It’s the only way to make sure all you animals get turned back into people,” I said.
“I’m not going under the knife again!” he said. “Why suffer the pain when I wouldn’t look one bit different when it was all over?”
I looked at the gorilla, and thunk about what he said, and then my Silent Partner smacked me right betwixt the eyes with one of His heavenly revelations.
“You’ve got a strange and inscrutable expression on your face, Doctor Jones,” said the gorilla.
“You got a name?” I asked him suddenly.
“Horace,” he said. It was the first time I ever saw a gorilla look embarrassed.
“What city are you wanted in, Horace?” I said.
“It’s not so much a city as a country,” he said. “Things are different here than in the States.”
“Okay,” I said. “What country can’t you show your face in?”
“Brazil,” he said.
“All right,” I said. “That’s no problem.”
“Peru,” he continued. “Uruguay. Paraguay. Argentina. Chile.”
“You been a busy boy, Horace,” I said.
“And Iceland.”
“Iceland?” I said.
“I have relatives in Iceland,” he explained. “I visited them.”
“That must be a mighty strict country,” I said. “Most places don’t usually issue arrest warrants for visiting relatives.”
“It was a very pleasant visit,” said Horace. “We spent a lot of time together, they showed me the sights, we ate at some wonderful restaurants.” He paused. “Robbing those seven banks was just an afterthought. I didn’t even need the money from the last five. It’s just that once you start, it’s…well…habit-forming.”
“It’s a tragic and touching story, but let’s get back to the subject at hand and see if I got this straight,” I said. “There ain’t no warrants out for you in Venezuela or Columbia or Ecuador, right?”
“And Bolivia,” he said as Doctor Mirbeau came back with the cash. “Don’t forget Bolivia.”
I took the money and the ring and then walked to the front door and opened it. Damned near every animal on the island was lined up there facing it, except for the jaguar that was looking down from the roof. Doctor Mirbeau kind of cowered behind me.
“I suppose you’re wondering why I’ve called you all here,” I said.
“Cut the crap and give us Mirbeau!” said Ramon.
“What’ll you do with him?” I asked.
“We haven’t decided yet,” said Miguel. “But it’ll be grotesque.”
“I got a better idea,” I said. “How’d you all like to be turned back into men and women again?”
“He doesn’t know how!” said Felicity. “I heard him admit it to you!”
“He doesn’t know how yet,” I said. “He needs some more time and money to work on it.”
“Where’s he going to get money?” said Miguel. “You can’t bleed a turnip, or pick the pocket of a bunch of animals who aren’t wearing any pants.”
“You’re going to earn it,” I said, “and it’ll be credited to your accounts against the day when he can actually change you back.”
“Earn it?” repeated Ramon. “How?”
&
nbsp; “Felicity,” I said. “Tell me again why you stay here on the island.”
“Because I’m the only elephant for thousands of miles around,” she said. “I’d draw attention wherever I go.”
“I agree,” I said.
“So she stands out in a crowd,” said Ramon. “What’s your point?”
“It seems to me that as long as elephants and lions and talking animals are going to draw all that attention, there ain’t no reason why they should draw it for free,” I said. “You got a whole continent full of people what’ll pay good money to see what you been hiding instead of flaunting. You can turn this island into the most popular zoo and tourist destination in South America.”
“That’s an interesting notion,” said Ramon. “But how will we get word out to the public?”
“You’ll start with word of mouth in Venezuela, Columbia, Ecuador and Bolivia, and work up from there,” I said. “You just happen to have a spokesman and travel agent in your midst — at least as long as he sticks to rasslin’ arenas and maybe soccer stadiums what feature riots during halftime.”
Doctor Mirbeau stepped forward and promised to stay if they agreed to the plan, since all he wanted was the money and privacy he needed to finish his research. The animals took a vote, and it passed unanimously, and that’s how the island became The Mirbeau 5-Star Spa, Resort, Menagerie, Circus and Petting Zoo.
As for me, I had five thousand dollars and a diamond ring tucked away in my pocket, so I bade them all a fond farewell and headed to the river. Once I got there I remembered that Doctor Mirbeau had taken my boat away, and I was about to go hunting for it when a big alligator glided up to the shore. I took a couple of steps back, ready to run if it came after me.
“Don’t be afraid, Doctor Jones,” it said. “My name is Victor Montez. I’ll ride shotgun for you while you swim across.”
“Since you’re one of Doctor Mirbeau’s critters, how come you didn’t say nothing to me when I got here earlier today?”
“I wasn’t myself this morning,” said Victor.
“Mighty few folks around here are,” I agreed.
“You misunderstand,” he said. “Something I ate last night disagreed with me.”
I resisted the urge to ask whether that was before or after he ate it, and just started swimming. A minute later there was a splash, followed by a loud crunching noise.
