by Marie Medina
Christian nodded. “You’re right.”
“I won’t fucking let you run away this time. I don’t want to ever feel that helpless again.”
Helpless? The very thought made Christian’s heart constrict. “I won’t, Alec.” He pressed his forehead against Alec’s. “I’m so sorry.”
Alec was still reeling from what he had done. He had never been so sexually aggressive with anyone, but seeing Christian so open and fragile had undone him completely. And forcing Christian to submit had felt incredible. He backed up to look into Christian’s eyes. “I am still upset, and I meant what I said last night. I don’t want you dominating me.”
“But I can touch you?” Christian’s voice sounded so small and hopeful.
“Yes, you can. I don’t want this to seem like a challenge or a battle. I definitely don’t want you to think I’m punishing you. If I want you to understand something I felt while you were gone, we’ll talk it out. This is an issue we’re going to work through as a couple, which is what we should have done in the first place.”
“Thank you. Not being able to touch you was making me crazy.” He lowered his eyes as he tucked himself away and zipped his pants back up. “I’m sorry for last night, pinning you down and all. Being near you again clouded my judgment.”
“It’s okay. We were always like that together. I should have told you how I was feeling long ago.” It was Alec’s turn to lower his eyes. “I didn’t mean what I said. You know, what I called you. That was my frustration talking.”
“Don’t apologize, and don’t simply dismiss it as okay. I was taking advantage of my strength. It got my attention and made me listen to you.”
Alec lifted his gaze and waited for Christian to do the same. “Good. That’s what I wanted, though I’m man enough to admit part of me did want to hurt you.”
After a moment, Christian nodded. “It did hurt. I know I was aggressive sexually from the beginning, always touching you.” He shrugged and shuffled his feet across the concrete, looking remarkably like an embarrassed little boy as his dark hair fell across his forehead. “I wanted your attention, your love.” Lowering his voice, he added, “That will never change.”
They hadn’t talked about love yet. Almost every other emotion had been covered, but neither of them had touched on that.
Alec moved close again and took Christian’s face in his hands. He’d had no intention of letting his guard down this much or this soon, but he needed Christian to know what was at stake here. “I still love you. I never stopped loving you.” Emphasizing every word, he added, “Please don’t make me regret admitting this.”
Pain clouded Christian’s eyes for a moment, but then a faint smile touched his lips as his expression softened slightly. “I won’t. Will you believe me if I say I never stopped loving you?”
“Honestly?”
Christian nodded adamantly, the hint of a smile vanishing, and Alec stepped back. “It’s hard, Christian. Very hard. But I want to get my head on straight before we talk about it.” He gestured around, not ready to unload all his fears and anxieties just yet. “Let’s go through all of this, and then go back to my place for dinner. We’ll talk then.”
“Sounds like you have a lot to say.”
Alec weighed his words. “I do. You didn’t listen six months ago, so listening tonight is going to be very important. Okay?”
Christian placed his hands on Alec’s shoulders. “Okay. I understand, and I will listen.”
Alec brushed his lips over Christian’s but pulled himself away before he got swept up in the scent and feel of him. “Let’s get started then.”
Christian sat across from Alec, practically on the edge of orgasm as he took his first bite of chicken. As amazing as it had smelled while he watched Alec buzz around the kitchen preparing it, his senses still hadn’t been fully prepared. “Holy hell, I missed this,” he muttered as he took another bite. “You are such a good cook.”
Alec smirked at him and rolled his eyes as he waved the compliment away, but Christian could tell the remark pleased him. Alec pushed his own food around before spearing a stalk of asparagus. His gaze roamed over Christian for a minute. “You do look thinner. You must not have improved your cooking skills while you were gone.”
Christian shook his head. “Didn’t really get much of a chance. My grandmother cooked. She didn’t like other people using her kitchen.”
“If you were in my mom’s or grandma’s kitchen for more than thirty seconds, you were handed something and given orders.” Alec smiled sadly, but then seemed to shake it off. “Was she surprised to see you?”
“Yes. But she didn’t push me to really tell her why.” He swallowed. “My family doesn’t, you know, pry too much.”
“I always thought that might be the case.”
Christian looked up for a moment and then refocused on his food.
“I don’t mean anything by it, but it makes sense. It’s why it’s hard for you to talk about your feelings. It’s the reason you react first and then panic and sort of go inactive when you don’t know how to fix things. You weren’t raised in an environment where people talked emotions and situations out. Right?”
Christian blinked. He didn’t need Alec to tell him these things because he knew them, yet he felt as if he should confirm what Alec had said. “You’re right. I feel awkward and embarrassed admitting I feel lots of things.” He set his fork down and reached for his water glass. “Even saying that is hard.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but it’s good for us to get into this stuff. I want us to be able to talk.”
Christian picked his fork up again, balancing it in his fingers, then twirling it as if the gesture might magically banish his fears. “I was terrified for a week before I told you I loved you. I didn’t want to. I wished I could just kiss you and look into your eyes … wished I could simply do something that would tell you how I felt.”
“All of your actions did tell me your feelings were growing, but don’t you see saying it is important? Didn’t it mean something to you when I said it?”
Christian gripped his fork firmly. “Of course it did. It meant everything to me.”
“And you saying it meant the same to me.”
Christian began eating again, and he eventually added, “The thought of you saying it back was what got me to finally do it.”
Alec grew still, gazing at him with an almost wistful expression on his face. He opened his mouth to say something, but his phone ringing fractured the moment. He wiped his mouth and stood to check it, casting an apologetic look across the table. He seemed to hesitate, but then he answered it on the fourth ring.
“Hey, David. What’s up?”
Christian cut the rest of his chicken into strips and tried not to look up. He didn’t know anyone named David, and six months ago he’d known everyone Alec knew. Could he be a new graduate student or adjunct in the department? Another university employee? A neighbor?
Alec laughed and turned red. “Yeah, I got looks all day long, but everyone left me alone.”
Christian set his knife down and speared three chunks of chicken. They were obviously discussing how he and Christian were all everyone in the Biology department could talk about. Everyone had been silently staring at him, too, as he walked the halls. He hadn’t seen anyone he’d been close to on campus, and no one had approached him. A few graduate students had waved to him, but he’d simply waved back and kept walking. Yet David, some stranger, knew enough about the situation to tease Alec about it? If Alec had started seeing someone else, would he have hidden it from Christian until he could feel things out a bit?
Christian told himself it couldn’t be true. If Alec had a boyfriend, he’d have said so right away as a way to let Christian know he had no right to simply barge back into his life. And no way any guy dating Alec would have been cool with him letting his ex stay, even if he was sleeping on the couch.
“Uh, maybe some other time.” Alec turned slightly and lowered
his voice. “No, not tonight.”
Christian looked down into his plate and didn’t lift his head again until Alec had said goodbye and put his phone down.
“That was David. He works in the library, and we met at Graduate Research Day at the end of last semester. He’s a good guy. I think you’ll like him.”
“What did he want to do tonight? You don’t have to stay in with me. I didn’t expect your life to stop.” The words came hard, but showing jealousy now would be a disaster.
“He was just seeing if we wanted to go out and have a few beers.”
Christian raised his eyebrows. “Did you guys ever do that before?”
Alec shook his head. “No. I haven’t told him I don’t really drink. He saw me buying beer in the grocery store a couple of days after we met, and when he said we should go have a drink I said that would be good, but then we just never did.” He shrugged. “I always made excuses.”
“Why?”
“Well, I’d have to explain why I don’t drink, which always depresses people. Then I would have to explain why I was drinking then.” He paused, coloring a little. “And that wasn’t a sunny subject either.”
Christian knew he had to ask now, even though it would be awkward. “Is he gay?”
Without hesitation, Alec said, “Yes.”
“Does he like you?”
Alec considered this for far too long, at least too long to suit Christian. “I can’t tell.”
“He does. You’d have said no right away otherwise. God, you’re always so oblivious to men noticing you.” The sharp words burst forth before he could stop them.
“Maybe you’re right, but getting jealous isn’t going to prove you never stopped loving me. All it will prove is that you still jump to conclusions and don’t trust me. Look, he knows exactly who you are and exactly how I feel about you, so if he likes me, he’s out of luck. He wants to meet you because I’ve told him a lot about you, and he is happy you came back. I couldn’t keep burdening all our friends all the time. It was nice to have someone who’d never met you to talk to, someone who would listen without judging.”
Christian felt awful as he imagined Alec alone and needing someone to help him. He nodded. “I understand, Alec. Didn’t mean for it to sound like I was accusing you of anything. I’m sorry.”
They finished their meal in silence, and when Alec rose to clear the table, Christian helped. The silence continued as they worked, Alec rinsing while Christian loaded the dishwasher. When they were done, Alec pulled Christian close and buried his face against his chest. Christian’s heart raced at the sudden contact, as he’d expected Alec to keep his distance, and he wrapped his arms around him.
“I only want you, but this won’t work if you don’t trust me.”
“I do trust you. It’s other men I don’t trust. Taylor was different because I knew you were attracted to him. I got in a snit about this David guy because I don’t want any interference as we try to work this out.” Christian lowered his face to kiss the top of Alec’s head. “I love you so much.”
Alec drew back to look up at him. “I want to believe you, but it still makes no sense that you could stay away for so long if you really feel that way.”
Christian cupped his cheek, bending to kiss him, but Alec pulled away.
“It’s been a long twenty-four hours. I need to go to bed. Tomorrow’s Saturday, so we’ll have all day together. We can talk then.”
Christian kept his hand on Alec’s waist, the other resting on his shoulder. “Okay.” He wanted to ask if he could sleep in Alec’s bed because he wanted nothing more than to simply hold him, but he just kept telling himself that he had to quell all of those desires until Alec made the first move. He let his hands drop as he tried not to think about how hard it was going to be to continually hold back around Alec. “What time do you usually get up?”
“I don’t know. Like nine.”
“I’ll set my alarm. We’ll have breakfast and talk and plan our day.” He sighed. “I still have more apologies to make.”
Alec perked up. “God, I haven’t even asked about that. Jeez, Christian, I’m sorry.”
Christian smiled. “Well, we touched on the subject of how my day went, and then you distracted me.”
Alec smiled too. “Oh, yeah,” he said, but then he backed away, moving out of the kitchen. “Good night. Just help yourself to whatever you need. I haven’t moved anything.”
“Good night.” Christian watched him go down the hall and disappear into his bedroom. He slumped down on the couch, feeling both alone and excited. He knew he’d get as little sleep tonight as he had every night for the past week.
Chapter 3
Alec woke up a little after seven. The bed felt huge as he lay there, knowing that Christian could be beside him. He imagined going out into the living room and curling up on top of Christian. They’d end up having sex if he did that. Would it be too soon? Their relationship had always been intensely physical from the start, Christian constantly touching him even before they were a couple. He still remembered their first kiss, having avoided that hallway as much as possible the past six months. They’d been walking back to the office they shared with the other graduate assistants after getting coffee together, and Christian had unexpectedly pulled him into a little alcove and kissed him. A class letting out had interrupted them, and then Christian had been occupied with student conferences, which left Alec alone to wonder if he and Christian wanted the same thing. Alec had spent the whole afternoon debating with himself and deliberating whether to call Christian or not. Right when Alec had started to worry he was going to make a fool of himself, Christian had showed up at his apartment, dragging Alec into his arms the moment he was inside.
Alec’s first two boyfriends had been confirmed bottoms. Both guys had taken the submissive role without question, which had been fine but had left Alec with a lack of any other kind of experience. He’d wanted to switch but hadn’t felt comfortable asking for that with either of them. Being physically overwhelmed by Christian had ushered in a wealth of new experiences, and Christian had been an expert at giving Alec pleasure from day one. Alec’s cock hardened as he remembered how gentle Christian had been at first, and then he couldn’t hold back a groan when he recalled the moment he’d told Christian he wanted him to let go and fuck him hard. He’d become addicted that day, always wanting Christian to be the one to take him. They’d never talked about the fact that had been Alec’s first time taking a man inside him, and Alec saw now that they should have.
Alec stroked himself, a voice in his brain chastising him. He’d been the one to tell Christian they were going to take the physical part slowly, and getting aroused like this all the time would only lead to him throwing off mixed signals. Like the one he’d given the day before when he’d been unable to stay off his knees once he felt how aroused Christian was. Yet, another part of his brain protested. Why should he deny his desires? Was he trying to punish Christian? Was he trying to punish himself for being such a pushover and wanting to forgive Christian right away? He still had his doubts about Christian’s feelings. Why did he stay away so long? Why? If he could only get a satisfactory answer to that question, he’d be willing to pick back up with Christian as if nothing had happened.
Maybe it made him weak, but he wanted to be honest about his feelings. If only David hadn’t called the night before, he and Christian could have talked more. Alec had been annoyed to see Christian immediately get jealous, but at least Christian had calmed down quickly and expressed his concerns rationally. Frustrated and needing release, Alec increased the speed of his strokes. He pressed his lips together to keep from moaning, but a loud thump from the living room made him go completely still. Had something fallen? He hopped out of bed and threw on a pair of sweatpants to go investigate.
Christian knelt on the floor, his legs tangled with blankets, and stared down at the carpet. He wore nothing but his boxers, and when he looked up sheepishly, Alec’s flagging erection sprang back to
life.
“You okay?” Alec asked.
“Yeah. I rolled and fell, I guess. I was having a bad dream, and then suddenly I was on the floor.” His eyes fixed on Alec’s crotch, and he paused, licking his lower lip. “Sorry I … got you up.”
Christian had never denied Alec anything in bed, but most of the time Alec had been the one giving head. And with their six-month separation, it had been far too long since Christian had sucked him. “Are you?” He gripped his length. “Wanna prove it?”
To his surprise, Christian nodded with enthusiasm and said, “Yes, please.”
Alec came forward quickly and dropped the sweatpants and boxers, kicking them away and then presenting his cock to Christian. He gripped the back of Christian’s head and held him firmly, pushing down and angling Christian’s head so that their eyes met and Alec’s cock rested against his lips. “Then make me come.”
The almost growled order made Christian tremble, and he opened his mouth and welcomed Alec’s cock. He sucked the head and then let his tongue slide farther, stroking the underside and then coming back to the head. Soon Alec had both of his hands on Christian’s head, and he held Christian completely still and began fucking his mouth hard. Alec had never been like this before. Christian gripped Alec’s t-shirt, pressing against his stomach to counterbalance the force of Alec’s thrusts.
When Christian looked up, he found Alec gazing down at him with the most lust-filled and primal look he’d ever seen on the man’s face. Christian sucked harder, unclenching his hands so he could run them up Alec’s chest. Alec tossed his head back and moaned, and he began to thrust deeper as he looked back down and met Christian’s eyes again.
“Swallow it,” Alec whispered, though his voice still carried the force of an order.
