by Heather Anne
I will not fall apart, I tell myself.
He gets out of the shower, grabs two towels off the rack, and dries himself before wrapping one towel around his waist. He reaches his hand out to me, helps me out of the shower, and dries me off. He is one big contradiction. The gentleness of his touch nowhere matches the sharpness in his features. I stand there quietly as he takes my robe off the back of the door and helps me into it. I fight back a yawn.
"I wore you out," his smile doesn't reach his regretful eyes and he scoops me up into his arms. "Time for bed, sweet girl."
I swallow a sob at the nickname. If he notices, he doesn’t say anything. I direct him to my room and he shifts my weight so he’s holding me with one arm as he pulls the comforter back with the other hand. He lays me gently on the bed before covering me up.
He leans down and kisses me, his warm lips move against mine and his tongue brushes against them. I open them and allow him to take as much as wants. After a few moments, he pulls back and places a kiss on my forehead. "Good night, sweet girl."
"Stay." The word comes out before I can even think.
He smiles sadly. "Sky," his voice is pleading. "It's not a good idea."
Before I can even respond, he’s out of the room. I roll over to my side and when I hear him come back, I look up and he's fully dressed.
"I'll make sure everything is locked up."
I nod because I know my voice will betray me by revealing my pain.
He brushes his knuckles against my cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow."
My eyes widen in disbelief.
"Nothing changes, Skylar."
There is double meaning to his words but I’m too tired to try to figure it all out. I manage to get out a good night. I lay there still, silent. When the front door closes, my emotions take over. My thoughts go over everything that went on this evening. From the flirting in the diner, to the kiss against my car, the way he slammed me against the door and the uninhibited sex.
This is infuriating and fascinating all at the same time. The pull to him is uncontrollable. There’s been something about him since day one that calls to me and I just don't understand what it is or how I could have allowed this to happen. I came here to heal, damn it, not add more hurt and confusion to my already fragile mental state. I let out a sob and think what a liar he is. Nothing changes? How can he even say that when, for me, tonight changed everything.
Chapter Sixteen
I am a goddamned liar. I lied to myself and to Skylar about so many things tonight and I feel like shit about it. I fucking knew with her it couldn't be just sex. That felt nothing like plain old fucking. We had a connection before I took her, one that I tried to ignore and failed at to the fullest. Nothing changes. My words haunt me as I let myself into my house.
I glance at the mantel with photos of mine and Lainey's life together; it's enough to make bile rise into my throat along with guilt. Everything changed tonight except for that. The guilt, the knowledge that I can never let another person in because I will destroy them. That is just a fact. I will not let history repeat itself by ingraining my hardened heart into someone else, destroying Skylar in the way I destroyed Lainey.
Skylar is so different than anyone I’ve ever met before, but she does something to me that I can’t allow to continue to happen- she offers me hope. Hope for a future, hope for redemption, and hope to heal. That light at the end of the tunnel dimmed when Lainey and I found out about Jack. The light went out, leaving me alone in a tunnel of darkness when Lainey took fate into her own hands. Now that Skylar has come into my life, that light is flickering, like it's desperately trying to have the power to turn on and stay there, but it can't. I haven't let light in for a very long time, and the fear of what happens if I do over powers me. I know Skylar has feelings for me. I tasted it in every kiss, felt it with every touch.
"FUCK!" I curse as I make my way into the bathroom. I feel like fucking shit. Not because we had sex, because that was the best I ever had. But because of the way I left her. I know I made her feel like less than nothing when truth be told, if I let her in, she could become my everything. I was glad to take her body and being the selfish man I am, I would do it over and over again, I just can't take her heart. I won't. When the heart gets involved, things get messy. People get hurt. Some don't survive.
I sit on my bathroom floor and open the cabinet under the sink. I reach behind the cleaning supplies and pull out the fifth of whiskey, open the cap, and take two healthy swigs. I close my eyes, allowing the sensation of the alcohol to overtake me. I cap the bottle and start pulling everything out of the bottom of the cabinet.
They have to be here. I just remembered that I put the baggy in here somewhere the night I crashed my car. I had only taken one Oxy before I got into the car with Trevor, knowing I may need the other two when I came home. I panic and start throwing everything out onto the floor, desperate not to feel. I would take anything at this point to numb these feelings of darkness, of guilt, and worst of all, hope.
When there is nothing left in the cabinet, I put my arm in and start feeling around. I feel the coolness of the pipe and snake my hand up to where it comes out of the wall and feel for the small ledge.
"DAMN IT!" I yell when I come up empty handed.
I grab the fifth of whisky with one hand and rake my other hand through my hair. I take another couple of swigs, place the open bottle on the counter, and shove everything back in the cabinet.
Grabbing the bottle, I make my way into the kitchen. I am already buzzed, but I can still feel. The guilt, the shame, is all consuming and I need it to stop. I need to stop thinking. Stop feeling. Just stop. I can’t though, no matter how hard I fight. I picture Skylar and how her eyes glittered when I was inside her.
I look around my kitchen and notice my coffee pot and before I know it, I’m slamming the bottle of whiskey on the counter and reaching to a cabinet for the canister of decaf coffee. I never drink decaf. It’s been in this cabinet for five years because Lainey couldn’t have much caffeine when she was pregnant. I flip open the green top and sigh in relief as I see the glint of the bag on top of the grounds. My hand shakes as I feel the smooth plastic in my hand. My mouth waters at the sight of the two small pills inside, my body physically relaxes, and I ignore the voice in my head telling me I am stronger than this.
I am not strong. I am weak. Feelings are my weakness. I open the baggie and pour the pills into the palm of my hand. I cup my hand over my mouth and swallow the pills back with the last of the whiskey. Making my way into my bedroom, I toss the empty bottle in my closet and shed my clothes right down to my gray boxer briefs. I inhale as the smell of vanilla engulfs me.
Smelling her on my skin does funny things to me, besides making my dick hard. There is a strange feeling in my chest and I smile as I close my eyes and remember every curve of her body, every expression on her beautiful face. I freeze at the remembrance of how she looked the few times I hurt her. The disappointment I caused and the soft sob I heard as I left her house.
I shake the thoughts away. I need to forget. I will the pills to start affecting me as I rifle through the pockets of my jeans that are on the floor, looking for my cell phone.
I climb onto my bed, grab the remote, prop the pillows on the wall behind me, and lean back to channel surf. As my head starts to feel light, I smile in anticipation of the euphoria I know is to come. I settle on old reruns of That 70's Show and look at my phone, noticing an unread text from Landon.
L: Sunday 4 PM Camden's. BBQ. Be there.
I type my response and start a text conversation with my brother, hoping the fact I am fucked up doesn't come across.
G: Sorry I just got this but yeah I'll be there.
L: K. Hudson will be there. Play nice.
G: I always do
L: Bullshit LOL. So late night?
G: I've been home about an hour.
I glance at the clock and see it's almost 1 AM
L: What did you do tonight?
G: Hung out with Skyler.
L: Tell me you didn't.
G: I can't.
L: Shit Gray. She isn't like the others.
G: Tell me about it.
L: Just don't hurt her.
G: Too late.
L- Fuck what did you do?
G- I left.
L- Asshole.
G- Don't I know it?
L- Apologize to her. Fix it. She doesn't have a lot of people and we all like her, don't make this awkward.
G- I like her too.
L- And that’s where the problem lies.
I don't respond. I can't. I know where he’s going to go and that is the one place I am trying to forget. He doesn't let me though. Bastard.
L- Look maybe it's time Gray. Let her in. She's good for you.
G- I’m not good for her. I have nothing to offer her everyone knows this.
L- That's just the bullshit you tell yourself to keep yourself closed off. Apologizing can't hurt.
G- Not getting into this Lan. TTYL
I’m grateful my brother knows me well enough not to push. Not grateful that he’s ruining my high and making me think. He's right though. I should apologize to her. Leaving like that was a douche move and a part of me wants to tell her why I couldn't stay. Any admission would mean opening up about Lainey, Jack, and rehab though. Being one hundred percent honest about all the bullshit and pain I put my family through. The look on her face when I tell her all of those things is one I never want to witness. Shame shrouds me, guilt surrounds me, and I know I need to suck it up and let her in just a little bit - starting with an apology.
G- I am so sorry, sweet girl
I lean back, closing my eyes, and startle at the chime of my phone.
S- What for?
G- Leaving like that. I didn't mean to hurt you.
S- It's fine. I was just being a girl.
G- Last time I checked you were all woman. ;)
S- Grayson Davis are you flirting with me? LOL
G- Maybe
G- Sorry if I woke you.
S- You didn't. Couldn't sleep.
G- Same.
S- Why?
G- Why what?
S- Why did you leave?
I exhale and think out my response. This is where I can open up to her and tell her that it meant more; which means I blow the lid off of my feelings and I can't do that. I choose to be safe.
G- It wasn't a good idea.
S- I get it. It was a great night though.
G- It was. Hope I didn't ruin it.
S- Nope.
G- Are we good?
S- We are.
G- So you going to Cam's Sunday?
S- Yep.
G- See you there. Good night sweet girl.
S- Good night Grayson.
I smile in relief, put my phone on the charger, and get under the covers. My mind is still going a mile a minute and I wish I had more pills. They used to relax me and empty my mind, but this time they are doing the opposite.
I replay the entire night and the text conversation and am glad I took Landon's advice. Things can't go back to the way they were. That went out the window the minute I plunged my cock into her. The hope I try not to have weasels its way to the forefront of my mind and for just one moment - one fleeting moment - I wish for more.
Chapter Seventeen
I wake up and groan at the pounding in my head. I fucked up in more ways than one last night. I remember my time with Skyler. Those memories are etched so deep within me that they will never go away and I won't let them. Whether I think I deserve it or not, the complete ecstasy I felt with her last night is one feeling I will get again. As much as I don't want to admit it, I think Landon was right, and I may have deterred what could have been a messy and awkward situation.
I head into the bathroom, turn the shower on to full steam, and search my cabinets until I find some aspirin. I can’t let on what I did last night when I see Landon at the shop or I will have to face the wrath of the entire Davis clan and with Hudson back in town, I know he will be the ring leader.
After showering and having two cups of coffee, I’m about to brush my teeth when my phone rings. "What's up, Lan?" I answer.
"When will you be here?" he asks.
"About a half hour. I was just finishing getting ready then I was going to stop at Beans for coffee and those damn salted caramel muffins."
He laughs. "Skip Beans. I have coffee and I saved you a muffin. Get over here as soon as possible. You have a visitor."
I stiffen at the thought, hoping it's not Frankie or worse, Kristy.
"Who is it?"
"That kid Luke. He seems pretty shaken up dude."
"Be there in 15," I say and hang up.
When I enter the shop, my frustration rises when I see Hudson sitting at the reception desk and I hope to god he can't see through me. I need him, of all people, to think I am on the straight and narrow, or at least trying to be.
"What are you doing here?" I say, as he looks up.
"Jesse quit. Had a family emergency and had to get back to Denver."
Shit. She was a damn good receptionist, too.
"Ok, we can put an ad on the internet or something," I say.
"What did you do last night? I was surprised when I didn’t see you at Steins." Hudson’s green eyes narrow.
"With Skylar," I admit and he scowls at the fact that for once in my life, I’m being honest.
"She seemed smarter than that," he says.
"What is your problem, Hudson? I’m trying here." I am so tired of this fight with him.
"Oh, yeah, trying to get your dick wet. Didn't realize she was like one of your…"
I lunge at him as I yell, "Don't you dare fucking talk about her like that!” I grab him by his collar, shocking the shit out of him.
"If the shoe fits," he laughs, not fazed, and I am two seconds away from smashing his smug face in.
"You don’t know anything," I seethe and am pulled off Hudson by Landon.
"Stop goading him," he says to Hudson and nods over to the chairs in the waiting room, where I see Luke sitting there with his head in his hands. Kid looks rough.
"The coffee and muffins are in the back room," Landon says and I nod, walk over to Luke and place my hand on Luke's shoulder.
He lifts his head; his brown eyes are red and puffy. Fuck. I can't handle my own emotions, how the hell am I supposed to handle anyone else's? I know he trusts me, and Skylar, too. I’ve learned quite a bit about him from group and from him tagging along to the diner with me and Sky.
"Come on kid," I say and start walking towards the back of the shop. He's not a small kid, maybe three inches shorter than me, but looks almost childlike with his shoulders slumped and a frightened look on his face. Shit. I’m not sure I ‘m the best person for him to talk to. My palms sweat and I wipe them on my jeans before turning the knob to the back room.
We walk in and Luke lifts his head, in awe as he looks around. The floor, like the rest of the shop, is a dark hardwood and there is a bright red shaggy rug in the middle with a black leather couch and a wood lacquer coffee table. In one corner is a drafting table and in the other corner is a round table with four chairs and a small refrigerator. That's not what has him standing there with his mouth gaping.
It's the mural on the back wall. This was a project I helped Landon out with when he came home for good. He didn't want to talk about anything, but did say that art was the best form of therapy. The mural has the Branded logo in the center of the wall in faded letters that looks as if they were stamped on. On one side of the logo is a grim reaper, all blacks and grays with blood red eyes, wearing silver dog tags. In its hand is a cattle prodder pointing towards the lettering. On the other side is an angel with brown hair and brown eyes doing the same thing. The background is all a mix of different colors ranging from a pale gray to a bright purple and the words ‘scarred for life’ are underneath.
I look at the angel and remember when I drew her. I
didn't mean for her to look like Lainey, but she does. Sometimes that pisses me off, but today it doesn't. I have a feeling as I talk to Luke, I’ll need to draw strength from her. I don't do feelings. I don't do hard; something tells me nothing about today is going to be easy.
"That's amazing, man. Did you do that?" Luke asks as he studies the mural.
"Landon and I did it last year." I take my coffee off the table and lead him over to the couch.
He slumps down and puts his head in his hands and starts taking deep breaths.
"Luke, what's going on? You are kind of freaking me out."
He looks up at me with a look I recognize all too well. Pain.
"She's pregnant, Grayson."
"Allyson?" I ask and he glares at me.
"Of course, asshole. Who else would it be?"
I hold my hands out in surrender. "Sorry man. So, what's the plan?" I ask and he lets out a breath.
"Well, we just found out yesterday and she is freaking out. She’s supposed to leave for college in August. I was planning on staying here and taking classes at C.T. Tech. I don't want to leave my mom," he says, looking sad. "Now I have no idea because we both agree that we’re keeping it."
He looks so scared that I need to keep my emotions in check. I know exactly how he feels and his shit is bringing up things I haven't talked or thought about in years. Fuck. I wish I didn’t take both those pills. I need something to get me through this.
"Her parents are going to flip out. They hate me enough as it is. When they find out about this? They’re going to kick her out and we can't stay with my mom," he says in a panic and I place my hand on his shoulder.
"Calm down, Luke," I say, even though I myself am nowhere near as calm as I should be.
"Calm down? Where are we going to live? I can go full time at Jeffers' garage, but Allyson needs to work and then when the baby comes, what about daycare and diapers? Oh god." He looks defeated and I know I need to reassure him.
