by Heather Anne
"I came here to talk to you about something important and I see Stanley out there about to put his hands on you."
She raises an eyebrow. "Stanley?"
"Oh, come on Skylar, didn't you see his shorts? He looks like a fucking tool."
She throws her head back in laughter, exposing her delectable neck. I don't like the fact that the fucker got that close to her. I want to tell her that the only asshole that is allowed to touch her is me, but I can't. I don't have any claim over her, but I will be dammed if I witness another man's hands on her. I want my touch to be the only one she ever feels and my kiss to be the taste she craves. I want to ruin her for any other man; which makes me an even bigger asshole since I know she can never be mine and I can never be hers.
I look at her and the shy smile she gives me has my body moving towards her. I press her gently against the door. I bend my head down to hers, our lips only centimeters apart and hear her breathless whisper, "You must have a thing for doors."
I respond without thinking, with words that hold more truth than they should. "Nah, sweet girl, I just have a thing for you."
My mouth slants over hers in a kiss that has my head spinning, my hands roaming, and my cock begging to be released from the confines of my jeans. I trail soft kisses along her jaw up to her ear, relishing in her sweet scent.
"I can't do strings. No attachments of any kind." I trail my tongue back down to her lips. "I suck at making commitments." I give her a chaste kiss on her lips and trail more soft kisses up to her other ear. "And relationships are something I’m no good at." I kiss back to her lips, lifting her up so she wraps her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck. I drop my forehead to hers. "The only thing I can give you is my word. I won't stick my dick in anyone else until whatever it is we are doing is done."
She places a feather light kiss on my lips and I swear - I swear the wall built around my heart starts to break . . . just a little.
"So what you are saying is you can offer monogamy without all the other stuff that goes along with it?"
This woman. She gets it, but I feel a panic start to rise with the feeling she won't go for it. "Well, if you want to look at it like that."
She sighs a laugh. "You are one big contradiction, Grayson Davis."
I nuzzle my face into her neck, inhaling her. "So, is that a no?" My tongue darts out for a quick taste.
"My head is screaming no but my body,” she pauses to grind herself into my ever growing erection. "Isn't listening."
She crashes her mouth into mine and her tongue is demanding. She grips me tight around the back of my neck, seeking more. She is grinding down onto me in a delicious rhythm and we are in sync. She lets out a guttural moan as my hand comes up and starts teasing her nipple through the thin cotton of her t-shirt. She grinds down harder and faster, begging me for more. I pull down her t-shirt and the sight of Skylar's perfect breasts scantily covered in red lace is a sight I’ll never forget. I pull down her bra and my mouth finds her nipple. I’m not gentle. I bite and pull on the beaded tip with my teeth. Skylar’s struggling to be quiet, her breaths coming out in heavy pants. My hand finds its way down the front of her yoga pants, finding her hot and wet, and I let two of my thick fingers glide inside of her. She moans loudly and I pull my mouth from her breast and kiss her.
"If you don’t be quiet I will stop," I warn as I pump in and out of her faster.
She circles her hips.
"That's it's baby, fuck my fingers. Take it," I growl and she starts moving faster.
I grind my hand into her clit and bite down on her lower lip as I feel her entire body start to shake. I curl my fingers up to that special spot and swallow her cries of pleasure as she falls apart in my arms. She clutches onto me like she doesn't want to ever let go as she comes down from the orgasmic high, but she surprises me as usual by sliding down my body and onto her knees. She makes quick work of my jeans, freeing my cock, which is hard as steel, and I shudder as her tongue darts out to lick a drop of pre-cum off my tip. She licks me from root to tip and I let out a groan when she takes me in as far as she can go.
"Shit, Skylar."
She looks up at me with glittering eyes and swollen lips as she continues to suck and twirl her tongue.
"I’m not going to last." My hand grasps her hair and she whimpers around my dick causing my balls to tighten. She massages my balls with one hand as she sucks harder. "I’m going to come." The vibrations of her moans cause me to have a release more powerful than I have ever felt. I thought I was going to be the one to ruin her for anyone else? Watching the movement of her throat as she swallows everything I gave her has flipped the switch. She has wrecked me in more ways than one.
She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, tucks me back into my pants, careful with the zipper, and I help her up. She straightens out her clothes and smooths out her hair.
I pull her to me and kiss her. This kiss is soft and sensual. Lazy licks of our tongues, light nips of teeth. She pulls back but I keep my arms around her and she looks up at me.
"So, is this what you wanted to talk to me about?" She laughs.
I shake my head. "Nah, I need you to come to my house tonight."
"For an encore?" She wiggles her eyebrows and now I am the one to laugh.
"Maybe later, but we need to help Luke and Allyson first."
She releases herself from my embrace. "Is everything alright?"
"Allyson is pregnant."
"Shit."
"Yeah, I know. I told them to come by so that we could talk to them and maybe you could help her with how to approach her parents and what to do if they disown her and cut her off. She’s scared of losing her insurance."
"Count me in." She smiles.
The concern on Skylar's flawless face is one of the things that draws me to her, that makes me want to open up.
"I hope I don't fuck things up," I admit out loud. I always end up hurting people I care about and I know she gets the double meaning behind my random words. She steps up to me, cups my face with her hand.
"I wish you would see what I see when I look at you."
I swallow because I know this can go to a place where it can never go. "What's that?" I whisper.
She leans up on her toes, kisses me softly, and looks in my eyes. "That you are worth it, Grayson Davis." She steps down and leaves the room.
Chapter Twenty
In leaving the room, she leaves me speechless. The things she says to me make me cringe. I haven't felt worthy of anything in a very long time and I sure as shit know I don't deserve her. Why am I going to put her through that? As much as we can agree to no strings, it can only end in disaster. I welcome the destruction. I crave the pain that is sure to come. I can sit here and call myself unfeeling all I want but the truth is, anger, hurt, and pain are things I feel down to my core. The shame and the guilt, well those are the things I can't handle. The intensity of everything that has happened in my life, from my parents' deaths, losing Lainey and Jack, to the strained relationships with my siblings - I shoulder the responsibility of it all. There are certain things I can’t let go, however, maybe if I let go of more tangible things like my furniture, it will lighten the weight on my shoulders.
I sigh as I leave the back room and run into Lauren who grunts at the contact. She narrows her eyes at me then looks towards the counter where Skylar is.
"Grayson," she warns.
"I don't want to hear it." I’m edgy in the knowledge of what I’m about to do. I don’t need Lauren adding to my stress.
"She looks happy," she says, still staring at her friend.
Skylar is laughing at something Amy says and she seems lighter than she did when I first came in. I give myself a mental pat on the back, knowing I made her like that.
"She does," I agree and give her a genuine smile.
"If you like her, then please be all in this," Lauren pleads.
I sigh. "I can't and you know that, but I can promise my man whoring is on hold, for n
ow at least."
With a grimace, Lauren says, “Well, give me a heads up before you break her heart." And she walks away.
I head out the back door and walk to my house, knowing Lauren is right. Like I said, this is going to be a fucking disaster, but I can't stop it. There is something about Skylar that I just gravitate to. Maybe it’s because we have similar backgrounds or maybe it's because she embodies everything I wish I could be. She makes me want things like hope, peace, and happiness; things I never thought would be in the cards for me ever again. If I allowed her to have those things, where would that leave me? Could I remain that way or would I fuck it up like I do with everything else? I light a cigarette and take a pull, allowing the nicotine to calm me down.
When I get to my house, Carson and Hudson are already there pulling empty boxes out of the back of the truck and I feel the panic start to rise. I can't do this, but I need to. The struggle in my mind is making me crazy and the urge to leave them and go find Frankie for some pharmaceutical relief is strong.
Carson comes up and places a strong hand on my shoulder and squeezes. "You ready for this?"
I exhale. "No. Yes. God, I don't know." And I really don’t. I struggle with the loss of seeing her everywhere, but I also struggle with the nagging feeling that it's time to let go of a little bit of it.
"Just because you’re packing some things away and making some decoration changes, doesn't mean you’re going to forget her. The memories will always be there." Hudson's words of wisdom shock me.
"Yeah, I know. It's just hard. I feel so damn guilty,” my voice shakes at my admission.
"You need to shut that shit down," Carson's forceful voice is startling. "Nothing that happened was your fault. How you have dealt with it, well that’s been pretty shitty." There is no holding back. "You’ve been such a mother fucker over the years. So damn selfish and self-destructive. This is the most constructive thing you have done in a very long time. I’m proud of you."
I swallow the lump and grab the rest of the boxes from the bed of the truck. "Let's do this. First thing we need to do is get that couch out of there. We can pick the new one up whenever we’re ready."
I start walking into the house. Between the three of us, we get the couch loaded in the truck and some of the girlie shit in boxes. I take great care in wrapping the knickknacks with paper, and the more I pack away, the lighter I feel. I can’t ignore the guilt I feel when it’s time to get rid of the pictures that document mine and Lainey's life together. There are pictures from high school all the way through the week before she died. It's my favorite picture of us. We are standing on the beach, the wind is blowing her long brown hair, and she is glowing. I am standing behind her with my arms wrapped around her, my hands on her stomach which is swollen with our son.
I pick up the picture. "This one stays. Everything else with just me and Lainey can go into a box,” I instruct my brothers and take the picture to the back bedroom. I examine it one more time, smiling at the memory, and put it in the bedside table drawer.
I walk back into the living room and I gasp at the emptiness.
"All done here. What about upstairs?" Carson asks.
"No," my voice is clipped.
"Gray, tell me, have you gone up there since?" Hudson asks.
"Not going there, man." I start to walk out and Hudson curses.
Carson cuts him off. "Baby steps. I think you made great progress. We got everything in the attic. What are you going to do with all the stuff of hers that's already up there?"
Now I’m the one cursing. "Lainey's parents want to go through it but I haven't brought myself to call them and tell them to take it." It’s a day of admitting things.
"You going to make that call?" Hudson pushes as he gets in Carson's truck.
"No."
"Chill out, Hudson, he will do it when he’s ready. He's just starting to deal with it, which is long overdue."
"True. I’m glad he is finally starting to let some of it go. I think that pretty red head has something do with it," Hudson smirks.
I growl. "First of all, I am right here, and second of all, this has nothing to do with Skylar." The words taste sour coming out of my mouth. It has everything to do with her. She can't fix me. No one can, but God, she makes me want to try. Try to be better. Try not to be so selfish. Try to live with the pain and the guilt and not drown in it. This constant feeling of suffocating is no longer comfortable and that scares the shit out of me.
Three hours later, my brothers and I are sitting on my brand new microfiber sectional couch, playing my brand new Xbox on the new flat screen that is now mounted above the mantle. The lacy curtains have been replaced with bamboo blinds. The walls are somewhat bare but I plan on seeing if I can frame some of Landon's artwork and displaying it. That guy has sick talent.
I kick them out around four o’clock with promises to do it again. They leave me with the feeling that there is hope to get the relationships with my siblings back on track.
Around five o'clock, my doorbell rings. I am surprised to see Skylar standing there with a foil covered tray and a grocery bag hanging off one of her wrists.
"Sorry I’m early. I figured you would want to feed them and I didn’t know if you cooked, so I made a baked ziti." She pushes past me and places the tray and bag on the counter. "I have stuff to make a salad and a loaf of Italian bread."
I just watch her as she empties the bag and makes her way around my kitchen – Lainey's kitchen – like she belongs here. The entire thing is way too domestic and that panic starts to come back in full force. She smiles, oblivious to the fact that I am two seconds away from kicking her out of my house.
“And beer. I brought beer. I need a drink before they get here. Want one?” She asks as she takes the bottle opener that’s on her keys and pops open a Corona.
"Sure," I say.
She pops mine and hands it to me before following me to the living room. I try to push back my uneasiness. I can deal with my Skylar issues later. This is about helping two kids who are in a difficult situation. She sits on my couch and chugs half the beer.
"You nervous, sweet girl?" I ask after taking a sip of mine.
"Yeah, I mean what if we can't help them?" She seems distraught and all my thoughts from earlier disappear.
"Come here." I motion for her to come to me by holding my arm out and she does without question. She cuddles her head into my chest as I put my arm around her, holding her to me.
"I think with your knowledge and my experience we have a good shot of not fucking up." I let that slip hoping she doesn't ask me to elaborate.
"Luke can use someone like you, Grayson," she says with determination in her eyes.
My eyes narrow. I’m not quite sure where she is going with this, but before I can say anything, she cuts me off.
"Gray, I don't exactly know what you have gone through, but I can only assume it was hell.”
She has no clue and if she even knew half of it, she would run, or maybe I would want her to. I let her continue as she rubs her hand across my chest. Then I realize I am sitting on my couch with this beautiful woman and cuddling. I don't cuddle; I haven't held anyone in a long ass time but for her, I'm at the point I'd give her anything she wants regardless of consequences.
She almost has me by the balls but she's either too naive to see it or too good to take advantage of that. I go with the latter. Sky is nothing but good and I can't help the sinking feeling that I am going to taint her. I know I should run, but sitting here with her in my arms feels so damn perfect. Too perfect.
"So, you're positive we got this?"
She pulls me from my thoughts with hope in her eyes and I lean down and place a chaste kiss to her lips. "Yeah, sweet girl, we do."
My point is proven a few hours later when Luke and Allyson leave, hand in hand, both with looks of relief in their eyes.
"They’re good kids," Skylar says as she starts to clean my kitchen.
I grab a beer from the fridge, sit at the br
eakfast bar, and just watch her.
"I’m glad they are waiting until the end of the summer to tell their parents and are being smart about their finances."
"Yeah, they are. I’m also going to put aside fifty dollars a week for her and give all that to her for when she goes on maternity leave," I say.
"You're a good guy, Grayson." She turns her head around and smiles before turning back to the sink to turn on the faucet.
I chug my beer as I go over the entire evening in my mind. Cuddling on the couch with Skylar, sitting on the couch with Luke while Allyson and Skylar talked as they prepared dinner. Skylar looking at home in my house was a feeling I didn't know if I hated or liked. Everything seemed so surreal to me. It felt a little bit wrong and a lot right and that had the bile of fear mixed with guilt threatening to come up my throat.
Watching Luke and Allyson together causes a bit of envy to develop within me. The way they look at each other. The gentle care they took in each other. The way he would just walk up to her and kiss her for no reason or the way she would grasp his hand as a form of comfort. I had that once and I wanted it back. I just didn’t know if I was missing Lainey or if I wanted it with Skylar? My guess is a little of both.
I grab another beer as Skylar finishes the dishes. She leaves them in the rack, wipes her hands with a towel, and approaches me. I look at her and I know what she wants. I just can't give it to her. Not tonight or at least not in this house. I haven't even kissed her intimately since just having her in the home I once shared with my dead wife feels like a betrayal. I need to get her out of here, hell I need to get out of here.
"Alright, well I’m beat. I had a long day," I head to the door.
A puzzled look crosses her face. "Um, ok. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at Camden's." She grabs her bag and follows me to the door.
"Thanks for dinner," I lean down and kiss her on the cheek. I see the hurt in her eyes.
"Good night, Grayson." She walks out the door, looking back at me once with a sad smile before getting in her car and driving away.
