by Barbara Gee
“We thought it would be best,” Maddy said with an unrepentant grin. “We both knew you’d throw a fit if you knew he’d invited Ryan to come.”
“Throw a fit? What am I, three years old? Come on, Maddy, give me some credit.” Libby folded her arms and glared at her best friend. “If I’d known what Ryan was going through I’d have been all for it.”
Maddy’s face clouded as she took a seat across the desk from Libby.
“What’s wrong?” Libby asked. “Why do you have that worried look? Is Ryan okay?”
“I’m not sure, to be honest. I mean he’s here and he looks great.” She gave Libby a brief smile. “Really, really great. But I can tell he’s struggling. I mean he got off the plane with one small backpack and nothing else. He lost everything, Lib. Even his truck burned because it was parked by the house. He could have easily been killed if he hadn’t been at a party for the retiring police chief. Between losing his house and his chance to be the new chief, his whole life has been turned upside down. He was friendly and all, but he’s just—I don’t know. Different. Darker, I guess you could say.”
Libby was quiet as she pondered that. She’d only spent a few days in his presence, but it was hard to picture Ryan as Maddy was describing. Even right after he and Tuck had taken down the men here at the ranch, there had been no darkness in Ryan Anderson. It was disturbing to know that recent circumstances had changed him so much.
“What can I do to help?”
Maddy shook her head slowly. “I’m not sure. Tuck thinks he just needs a chance to clear his head and wait for whoever is after him to make their next move. They think the bad guys are trying to stop Ryan from getting something that’s being mailed to him. Maybe once that comes, they’ll know what to do. In the meantime, Ryan wants to work, and he says the harder the work the better. So I guess we just need to make him feel at home and be there when he needs a friend.”
Libby swallowed hard. She was fighting tears and she didn’t know exactly why.
“What’s wrong, Lib?” Maddy asked, leaning forward and reaching across the desk to take her friend’s hand.
“I don’t even know. I’m just so confused when it comes to that man.”
“I wish you’d talk to me about him. I know there are things you haven’t told me, and I don’t want to push but I think it would be good for you to get it out.”
Libby squeezed Maddy’s hand and then got up and paced to the window, her arms wrapped around her waist. “You’re probably right, but I can’t bring myself to talk about it.”
“Not even with me?” Maddy asked softly. “We’ve been through so much together, Libby. You know I’m here for you no matter what.”
“I do know that.” Libby sighed and turned around, leaning back against the window. “I know you won’t judge me, I just hate the thought of you knowing what a wanton mess I can be. But then again, you already know making mistakes with men is my specialty.”
Maddy’s eyes narrowed slightly. “Wait, did you and Ryan—have you—”
“No!” Libby said quickly. “No way. I barely know him. We’ve never even been alone together for more than a few minutes.”
“Well then whatever you’re holding back can’t be that bad. I know you so well, and I can’t imagine you doing anything to cause this much distress. Are you sure you aren’t making it into more than it is?”
Libby let her head fall back as she contemplated her friend’s words, then she huffed out a long breath and walked over to close the door.
“Okay, Madison, you asked for it.” She shoved her hands in her back pockets to hide the trembling. “I appreciate you giving me the benefit of the doubt, like the true friend you are, but unfortunately I’m not making something out of nothing. The truth is, Ryan Anderson has seen me at my worst. My very worst. It’s mortifying and I’m so ashamed I just want to crawl in a hole every time he looks at me.” Libby swiped at a tear that escaped down her cheek. “I’m pretty sure you’d feel the same way if Tuck had seen you having sex with a guy in a bar parking lot.”
Maddy sat up straight, her eyes wide. “What in the world are you talking about?”
Libby walked back to the desk and sank into her chair, her expression bleak. “You remember how Tuck had the police department following me around for a while when he first found out Jimmy Callahan had sent men to Chandler to find me?”
“Yeah, I remember. They were hoping they’d be able to spot the men Jimmy had following you. But then Tuck got scared for you and had Ryan pick you up to keep you safe, and you thought you were being arrested or something, and you’ve been mad at Ryan ever since.”
“Well, yeah, I was a little angry about that at first,” Libby admitted, “but that’s not the root of the problem. The real issue is the surveillance period before that. Tuck explained everything to me after I was picked up, and he told me he’d had cops following me around for a week or so, but I didn’t think much about it at the time. I mean, we were all in a panic once we realized Jimmy had taken you instead of me, so everything else kinda went right out of my mind. But once things settled down, I started wondering about it, and I worked out the time frame and tried to remember what all I did during that week.” Libby grimaced. “Do you remember the guy I was seeing then? Devon Tyson? I’d just started dating him a couple weeks before, and I was so excited about it.”
Maddy nodded. “Of course I remember. We both knew he was a player, but you liked him anyway.”
“Ugh, I know, and I have no excuses. I knew exactly what kind of guy he was, but he was new in town and had become the ‘it’ guy in the crowd I ran with. All the girls were competing for his attention, and I was so thrilled when he chose me out of the whole group. We’d gone out a couple of times, and then one night during the week that Tuck was having me followed, I met up with Devon and a bunch of other people at a bar. I had way too much to drink. I mean, I wasn’t completely out of it. I knew what I was doing, and I knew I shouldn’t be doing it, but being drunk makes me stupid.”
Libby shook her head in disgust, forcing herself to continue. “It was getting real late and I had to work the next morning, so when Devon asked me to go back to his place, I said no. My girlfriends and I already had a designated driver, so I told him I’d just ride with them as planned. He asked if I’d at least walk him to his car, and I did. He was parked out in the last row of the lot, and it was kinda dark back there. We were saying goodbye, and he was really ticked because I wouldn’t go home with him. I didn’t want him to be mad, so when he got a little pushy, I didn’t stop him. One thing led to another, and—” Libby closed her eyes for a moment, then paced back over to the window. “It’s so embarrassing to admit, but yeah, we had sex right there in a public parking lot, up against his car. And we didn’t try to disguise it, either. There wasn’t any question about what we were doing.”
Maddy winced. “And you think Ryan saw it?”
“If they were following me all the time, then yeah, he did. Or someone did. And honestly, it doesn’t matter much if he saw it himself or not, because even if he didn’t I’m sure he got a play by play from whoever was there. The whole department was probably laughing about it.” Libby forced herself to look her friend in the eye.
“I wish I was too drunk to remember. I wish—” she shook her head again. “I wish it had at least meant something, but there was nothing meaningful about what we did. It was cheap, fast, unsatisfying sex right there in the parking lot where anyone could have seen. Devon wanted it, and I gave it to him. Even knowing what kind of man he was, knowing full well I was one in a long line of easy lays, I gave it to him. All because I liked being the woman on his arm, the one he chose.”
Maddy looked at her friend intently. “I’m so sorry you’ve been carrying this around, Lib, but you’re not that girl anymore. It’s time to move past it.”
“Ryan doesn’t know that, though. To him, I’m still the slutty girl at the bar with her skirt hiked up around her waist while a preppy boy screws her in the parkin
g lot. That’s what he sees when he looks at me, Maddy, I can guarantee it. He’s too much of a gentleman to say anything, but I know he thinks about it every single time he sees me and that’s why I feel absolutely nauseous at the thought of facing him again.”
Maddy frowned. “You don’t actually know for sure that he saw it, or heard anything about it. Maybe he wasn’t on duty that night and didn’t even see the report. In which case you’ve been agonizing over this and avoiding him for no reason.”
“Not much chance of that. He was the one in charge of the surveillance, and I’m sure he always got a complete report of where I went and what I did.”
“Has he ever done or said anything to make you feel like he knows, or is judging you in any way?”
“No, but he was only here for a few days, and I avoided him as much as possible. I hardly even looked at him.”
Maddy’s expression was thoughtful. “Have you asked yourself why it matters so much? You said yourself you barely know him, so why is what Ryan thinks of you so important?
Libby walked to her desk and collapsed into the chair. “I don’t know. It just is.”
Maddy’s smile was gentle. “It’s because Ryan is a man you could fall for. If this thing wasn’t getting in the way, you would have turned the Libby charm on full blast and the man wouldn’t have had a chance. Instead, you turned tail and ran the other way whenever he walked into a room.”
“I can’t face him, that’s why.”
“That needs to stop. You’ve been forgiven, Libby, you know God has forgiven you for that incident and everything else. Now you need to forgive yourself and not be afraid of seeing Ryan. Let him see what a wonderful person you are. And who knows, maybe the parking lot thing isn’t nearly as big of a deal for him as it is for you.”
Libby pressed her thumbs against her throbbing temples. “Strange as it sounds, I want it to be a big deal to him. I mean, I don’t want him to say ‘oh no biggie, I’ve done it a dozen times myself.’ Sure, that would get me off the hook, but at this point in my life I’d be uncomfortable with a man who thinks it’s okay to behave like that. At the same time, if knowing what I did does bother him, he’ll be grossed out regardless of how much I’ve changed since then. So, basically, there’s no way for me to win in this whole stupid mess.”
“It’s complicated, I’ll give you that,” Maddy said, lifting her chin and holding up a hand when Libby would have interjected. “But do you remember me saying the exact same thing about Tuck’s and my relationship? I believe your exact words were ‘so un-complicate it.’ And that’s what I’m telling you to do. You like Ryan, I can tell, and if it’s possible to move past this and get to a good place with him, the effort will be more than worth it. I’m living proof of that.”
Libby groaned and dropped her face into her hands. “I don’t know, Maddy. I feel sick just knowing he’s going to be sitting at the same table as me at dinner.”
Maddy walked around the desk and knelt down in front of her friend, taking Libby’s trembling hands in her own.
“You will sit at that table and hold your head up high, Libby Simon, because you’re pure and beautiful and precious in His sight. Start with that. See your beautiful, changed self through God’s eyes, not Ryan’s. Look that man in the eye and show him who you really are, because you’re pretty darn incredible. If he can’t see that, then it wasn’t meant to be.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Start small, that’s all I’m trying to say. You don’t have to become best buds, just stop avoiding him. Resist the urge to run when you see him. Can you do that?”
Libby met Maddy’s gaze and after a moment she nodded slightly. “I’ll try.”
“I’m gonna hold you to it,” Maddy said. “You can do this, Lib. You can.” She squeezed her friend’s hands. “I love you, you know.”
Libby chuckled. That had been one of Maddy’s favorite lines for the past fifteen months. “Love you too, girlfriend.”
“It’ll work out, one way or another. At the very least, you need to let go of the guilt you’re still carrying. I’m confident you can do that. And thanks for trusting me. I don’t normally keep things from Tuck, but I will in this case. It’s your story to tell when you’re ready, not mine.”
Libby stood and pulled her friend to her feet before enveloping her in a fierce hug.
“Thanks, Maddy. You’re the best.”
“We’re the best together, and I thank God every day that we’re both here on this ranch.”
“As do I.” Libby let out a big, shaky breath. “Okay, I’m done being introspective now, and I don’t want to have puffy eyes when the guys come back. Let’s change it up and go see what Kay’s making for dinner.”
CHAPTER 6
Kay, predictably, was going all out in the kitchen. She adored Ryan and would be forever grateful to him, so tonight she would show him love in the form of roast pork loin, au gratin potatoes, sautéed fresh vegetables, two salads, hot from the oven rolls, and peach cobbler.
When Libby and Maddy entered the kitchen to see what she had going, she immediately assigned them jobs. Libby found herself chopping vegetables, and when the pile was large enough to satisfy Kay, she heated olive oil in a huge sauté pan and then dumped the colorful vegetables into it, striving for the “crisp tender” result Kay wanted.
“Man, it smells incredible in here.” Tuck’s voice came from behind her and Libby stiffened. If Tuck was here, Ryan couldn’t be far behind. She stirred the vegetables and fought the desire to flee, hearing Maddy’s voice in her head. Keep your head up and don’t run away.
Surely she could manage that. Steeling herself, she turned around slowly, catching her breath when Ryan followed Tuck into the kitchen.
Oh, good gracious, how was it possible for the man to look even better than she remembered? Libby watched intently as Kay wrapped him a hug. Ryan returned it, his eyes closing for a moment as he bent his head and let his cheek rest on the top of the older woman’s head. Libby understood his reaction perfectly—there was nothing better than a hug from Kay Desmond when you were hurting.
Suddenly remembering the vegetables, Libby turned to stir them, relieved that they hadn’t burned while she gawked at Ryan. Holy cow, there was just so much to gawk at! She listened as he and Kay talked about his trip, letting his voice roll over her, smooth and deep, making her hands tremble and her knees feel weak. Why him? Why was Ryan Anderson, witness to her despicable, repulsive act, the only man to affect her this way?
Don’t run away. Hold your head up. She could do this. When she turned around to face him again he was walking toward her, and Libby felt her heart stop and then start again, double-time. His dark eyes locked on hers, and a slow smile curved his perfect lips.
“Hey, Libby. Good to see you.”
“Hi, Ryan,” she said nervously as he stopped in front of her. “Um, welcome back to the ranch.”
“Thanks. I hope it’s okay with you that Tuck asked me to come out.”
Libby nodded. “Of course it is. Let’s hope it’s a little less eventful than your last visit, though.”
He chuckled. “That would be good.” He tilted his head, then reached around her and moved the pan off the burner. “It was starting to smoke a little,” he explained.
“Oh, thanks.” Libby inspected the damage. Not burned, but probably a little soggier than Kay would like. She turned off the burner and reached for the large serving dish Kay had set out.
“I don’t think I’ve seen this much food since the last time I was here. Do you guys always eat like this?”
“Not quite. This is a bit much, even for Kay, but she considers this a special occasion. The more Kay likes you, the bigger the meal, so I’d say you’re pretty high up on the list,” Libby said, smiling over her shoulder at him.
“That’s nice to know.”
Libby spooned the vegetables into the dish before looking up at him again. “I’m really sorry to hear about your house.”
He shrugged and
then Libby saw it, the darkness Maddy had mentioned. Her friend was right, the things he was going through had changed him. He was hurting, and Libby couldn’t stand it. Almost before she realized it she’d reached out and taken hold of his wrist. His skin was warm, the light covering of hair soft under her fingertips.
“It’ll get better,” she said quietly. “You and Tuck will get things figured out and you’ll get your life back.”
He turned his wrist in her grip, his palm sliding against hers until he was gently holding her fingers. “There’s not a lot to get back at the moment,” he said, “but I will find whoever took it away.”
Libby saw the cold, hard determination in his eyes, and she held back a shiver. “If there’s anything I can do to help, please let me know.”
“Thanks.” He dropped her hand and shoved his into his pocket.
From across the kitchen, Kay clapped her hands lightly. “Okay, kids, Virgil just got in and is washing up. Everyone grab a dish and take it out to the table.”
When the table was loaded with the mouth-watering results of Kay’s efforts, they all took their seats and bowed their heads as Virgil said grace. He gave thanks for Ryan’s presence with them, and his heartfelt words brought tears to Libby’s eyes. She hoped Ryan could sense how much they all cared about him. Knowing he was loved would heal him quicker than anything else.
As they passed the food, Virgil asked Ryan if he would give them all an update on what was going on with him. Ryan looked across the table at Tuck, who nodded.
“You might as well start at the beginning,” Tuck said. “I’ve only told them pieces here and there.”
Libby listened intently as Ryan took them through the last month or so, from the point where he had been two weeks away from being appointed the new chief of the Chandler City Police Department, to having his house burnt down.
Kay was so incensed she couldn’t even finish eating. “It’s horrifying to realize that entirely baseless accusations can ruin a person’s career like that,” she said angrily. “There should be some way to protect people in the public eye from that kind of thing.”
