by Opal Carew
Spook shook his head, and then turned off the water. It was hard to be riled when Xane insisted on being so damned irreverent. The thing was, he could switch in seconds. Next thing he knew, the sexy bastard would’ve sunk them both into a pit of despair, or else have gone supernova and would genuinely be trying to pound his arse, rather than just joking about it.
The last thing he needed was Xane attempting to hump him. It’d result in a punch up, and he wasn’t at all sure what the final outcome would be.
“Why don’t you just go and bang her with it, Spook. It’ll make life easier all round.”
“Will it?” He wasn’t so certain. “Stop gawping at me. It’s unnerving.”
His friend took a pace forward. A mischievous grin played across his lips. Spook attempted to step back, but there was nowhere to go. He just ended up with the shower dial sticking in his arse, and the cold tiles against his shoulders. ‘If you touch me, I swear I’m going to deck you,’ he warned. It didn’t stop Xane taking another step forward.
“If I touch you, you’re going to be too busy shooting your load to deck me. Afterwards, you might try it…”
“Xane.” Spook raised his hand to stop him getting any closer. “Please, just don’t. Not now.”
“Like I said, you’re too uptight.”
“And you getting in my face isn’t going to help with that.”
“So wrap this around yourself and let’s talk.” Spook stuck his hand out to catch the white bath sheet, but missed. It hit him the chest instead. Sighing, he used it to dry his face and upper body before securing it around his waist. Then, he tramped past Xane into the bedroom, and over to the kettle, which he set boiling, more out of a desire to do something, than out of a need for a drink. Actually, he did need a drink — a nice tall stiff one.
“You ever hear of privacy?” he asked, as he turned to his suitcase and began rummaging through, what had been a neatly ordered assortment of clothes, to find some lounge pants and a brush to pull through his tangled hair. He chucked the clothing onto the chair and faced the mirror to tackle the knots. Beads of water trickled down his chest as he dragged the brush through the dull blond strands. Meanwhile, Xane settled on the corner of the bed.
“I didn’t see the sense in knocking. You wouldn’t have answered. Besides, I seem to recall you doing much the same to me not so long ago, when I was the one running.”
“I never barged in on you in the shower,” Spook replied. He set the hairbrush down and turned to reach for his pants.
“No, you walked in on me having sex, which is what you should be doing with that pole of yours, instead of trying to strangle it with Egyptian cotton.” The lounge pants were loose, so actually, his dick wasn’t being strangled, in marked contrast to earlier. There was still a zip imprint on his skin from his leathers.
“Ash disturbed you with Dani, not me.”
“Don’t split hairs. You were there.”
“That still doesn’t give you the right to come in here and strong arm me.”
Xane left his perch upon the bed and walked up behind Spook. “That’s not what I’m trying to do.” He raised his hands and began to knead the tensed muscles of Spook’s shoulders. “I thought maybe I could help you think things through. You’re not exactly acting logically at the minute.”
“I’m being offered relationship advice from a sex addict. Fucking Christ, yeah, I’m all ears for that.”
“Well, if you want to go and find someone better qualified, by all means. Otherwise, I’m all you’ve got.” Xane continued to massage the knots out of Spook’s shoulders. It was something he was surprisingly good at. He seemed to understand exactly where to apply the pressure. “Fuck, you’re tense. There are kinks in your kinks.”
“You’d have kinks in your kinks if you were in my position.” He groaned in pleasure, as Xane’s thumbs dug into the muscles, releasing the tension.
“There’s no chance of me ever being in this position.” Xane paused, his hands resting upon Spook’s shoulders. “You realise Graham and Max have nailed the deal. She’s coming to Sweden whether you like it or not. So why don’t you take a walk down the corridor to my room and sort things out with her?”
Spook shrugged off his hold. “Why don’t you stay out of my shit?”
“Maybe because I’m sick of watching you swim about in it. I’m throwing you a rope. She’s what you need.”
“Don’t you think it’s up to me to decide what I need?” Frustration prompted him to pace.
“Sure,” Xane agreed, raising his shoulders. “But a man can only live on fantasies for so long, and you’re pushing her away for no other reason than you’re scared. I’m not going to ask for the details of what just went on in the limo, but doing that and then telling her she can’t work with us, is just wrong. It’s not you, Spook. It just isn’t.”
“So what, I’m supposed to pretend it’s fine and crack up quietly?” If their manager had already hashed it out with Alle’s boss, then it was going to take a heck of a lot of negotiating to unravel it. Graham wasn’t known for budging once a decision was made. “Shit!” He ought to have stuck around earlier and made his objections known, rather than hoping it would all somehow turn out not to be. “Surely we can put it off a few weeks, can’t we?” The possibility she might be flying back to Sweden with them tomorrow was more than he could face. “At least give me time to prepare —”
“Get real, Spook. Time isn’t going to change anything. Seven and a half years hasn’t, so what’s a fortnight going to accomplish? What you need to do is go and talk to her, and fuck her. Not necessarily in that order.” Xane fell into step with his pacing and patted him on the back. “Seriously, set some boundaries. Let her know what your limits are, and that you want to slow things down. That has to be better than what you’re currently doing.”
“Which is what exactly?”
“Screwing things up royally, because the tension’s getting to you, and you’re reacting instead of thinking things through. I know it’s hard. I know what you’ve been through, but here’s your chance to have something else.”
“And when I hurt her?”
“The only way you’re going to hurt her, is by not giving her the chance to be with you. She’s clearly as into you as you’re into her.”
Spook pinched the bridge of his nose as yet another tension headache started to brew. He understood what Xane was saying, but it didn’t do anything to quell his fears. There were just too many things that could go wrong, and no glaringly happy times in his memory to convince him a relationship had any chance of success.
“Let’s not pretend this is about you hurting her. I know that’s not really it. Hell, I think she realises it too.”
“What have you told her?” he snapped.
Xane raised his hands, and then slowly lowered them, signalling he ought to quit his panicking. “I haven’t told her anything. Not a goddamned thing. I’ve never said anything to the guys in all these years, why would I say anything to her? That’s up to you.”
“It’s just… It’s not going to work.” He tugged at the front of his long hair. “It can’t.” There was too much pain there. Too many fucking awful memories. He couldn’t even delve into that darkness within the confines of his own skull without leaving fresh lacerations on his psyche.
“Come on, Spook. If I can handle two lovers, I’m sure you can manage one.”
“It’s complicated, you know that,” he said through gritted teeth. “It’s not that I don’t want her —”
“She wants you. You want her. What’s so fucking complicated about that?” Xane raised his arms in frustration. When Spook shook his head, Xane slumped into the armchair. “This is fucking stupid.” He rested his elbows on his knees and leant forward with his head in his hands. “You’re a stubborn bastard, did I ever mention that?”
Spook turned away from him. He crossed to the bed and got under the duvet. He was not about to walk along the corridor and subject himself to another session of hav
ing his nerves flayed. Masochistic he wasn’t. Better he just slept and tried to figure out a solution in the morning. Maybe he could find a way to not be in her presence while they were recording, or at least, only in her presence in the company of others. It’d still leave him a raving screw-up, but…
Xane climbed onto the bed beside him and stretched out full length.
“What are you doing?”
“Going back to my room’s not really an option. I’m not about to spend the night with a single woman, Dani is still tense enough about Luthor.”
Riled, Spook sat up abruptly. He needed space, not someone breathing in his ear. “You’re not going to leave me alone, are you?”
Lips pursed, Xane gave his head a shake. “You can’t walk away from this one Spook. It’s time to trade in your ‘totally unavailable’ card for a ‘sexy shag-monster’ upgrade.”
Xane shoved him out of the bed. “Go, do her. Do her again. Do her until you can no longer stand up straight. Twenty paces down the corridor, she’s waiting for you.”
“A sex marathon isn’t going to solve anything.”
“Sex solves everything,” Xane remarked glibly.
Spook knew he didn’t believe that was the truth, even if he did resort to that method more often than not.
Xane rolled his eyes in dismay. “Fine, be dull. Don’t shag her. Talk to her. It’s not actually compulsory to dive in. I’m told it’s fine to dip your toes in first.”
Nice sentiment, but getting his libido to take note of that while he was within forty feet of Alle was another matter. He might arrive with the intention of having a quiet chat, but he wasn’t fool enough to believe they wouldn’t end up getting physical instead. And anyway, chatting had never been his forte. The guys conveniently liked to forget that English wasn’t his first language, even if his fluency level did rival some of the natives.
“I’m going to hurt you if you stand there prevaricating much longer,” Xane remarked. He remained sprawled upon the bed, with his hands clasped behind his head. He might resemble a lion at rest, but Spook knew from experience how fast the bugger could move. Xane was often described as a panther by the press, and he certainly had that sort of grace about his movement — as well as a deadly pounce.
“I’m counting,” Xane warned, though he appeared to be doing the reckoning in his head.
“Goddammit, Xane.”
“Five.”
“Shit!” Spook searched around for a T-shirt, and failed to spot one before Xane reached three. Blasted wanker wasn’t going to let him duck out of this one. Maybe that was a good thing. He didn’t know. He wanted Alle, but he still questioned the sense of it. Any replaying of his past would kill him. He’d barely survived first time around.
“Two.”
“OK, I’ll go.”
Xane nodded. He reached down into his pocket and offered the retrieved item. “Take it.”
“I don’t need —”
“Take it anyway. Better to be prepared.” Xane pressed the condom into his palm, and then rested a key card on top of it. “Remember, if you need a breather, just step back for a minute, but no running. Running isn’t going to solve anything. You want this lady, Spook. She’s a potential keeper, and god knows, you need one of those.”
Spook stared at the items in his palm as Xane encouraged him to curl his fingers around them. Maybe it’d all work out, but he was half tempted to climb back into the bed with Xane. At least Xane was predictable.
“You’re not a coward, Spook, and I’m not an easy option. For fuck’s sake, man, after all this time — move on!”
Chapter Ten
Spook didn’t linger in the hallway. If he stopped outside the door and thought too hard for even a moment, he knew he’d flee into the night. Some decisions were tough, but maybe, if he went ahead and made this one, the outcome wouldn’t be as bad as he feared. Perhaps he’d discover all the stress was for nothing, and the ache in his pants could be pleasantly relieved without the sky falling down.
The lights on the door lock mocked him as he swiped Xane’s key card. Three fucking attempts — seriously, did everything about this have to be difficult?
Alle opened the door from the inside. She had on one of Xane’s silk shirts. The black fabric barely reached her thighs, and unless his memory was faulty, she wasn’t wearing panties beneath. Seeing her like that, in another man’s clothing, winded him like a sucker punch to the guts. It ought to be his clothes she was wearing, not Xane’s. He didn’t want to find traces of his friend’s cologne on her skin — didn’t want to smell anything but her when they cuddled up close.
“Hey,” she said, staring at him as if she couldn’t quite believe he was facing her.
“Can I come in?”
“Sure, it’s not my room.” She led the way into the dimly lit interior. Only a single corner lamp spilled any light into the environment. It made ripples in the silk shirt as she moved and gave her skin a bronze glow. Alle settled on the sofa, her legs tucked beneath her, while Spook headed for the bottle of vodka Xane had left on the coffee table. A nice stiff drink was what he’d needed for most of the night. Spook unscrewed the cap, and briefly contemplated just upending the bottle and tipping the lot down his throat. If he was comatose, he wouldn’t have to deal with anything. Only, now that he was here, maybe he did actually want to fix this.
She wanted him, even after he’d been cruel, and the God’s honest truth was — he wanted her too.
He settled for a triple measure.
“I thought Xane would be with you,” Alle remarked.
Spook turned to her, holding his drink to his lips. “Did you want him to be here?”
“Not particularly.” She shook her head, making the long curls bounce. The light played within the strands, illuminating various shades of copper. “I just thought, since this is his room…”
“He’s using mine, and probably making a horrid mess of it by having extreme phone sex with his girlfriend.” He cocked his head. “Or boyfriend. It could be either. Maybe both of them, I don’t know.” With Xane, you could never be sure.
Alle’s brows neatly furrowed, forming a V at the centre of her forehead. “I thought he was joking about having two lovers. Does he fuck them both together too?”
Spook shrugged. “I’m not sure. It’s probably on his agenda, if he hasn’t done it already.” Why did it feel as if she’d asked that question just so that she could pronounce fuck in a particularly evocative and emphatic manner?
“I guess he’s been taking on your share of things. You know — the whole sex, drugs and rock and roll lifestyle. Is it true Black Halo are currently based in Sweden because Ash is undergoing a major drugs detox?”
“Yes, but not because he’s a druggie. He was poisoned.” Why were they talking about this stuff — things that were of no consequence to their relationship?
Because, he realised, seeing her lips set into a contemplative pout, she was trying to set him at ease in order to avoid a repeat of what had happened downstairs.
Spook took a seat on the floor, rather than beside her. It was easier to relax if he wasn’t looking directly at her. He rested his back against the sofa, bent his legs, and rested the vodka glass against one knee.
Xane had bought the good stuff, aged in the traditional Swedish way. The liquid hit his tongue, waking his taste buds. It left him pleasantly tingly all the way down to his toes, which curled against the carpet.
Alle touched his shoulder. “Want me to dry your hair?” she asked. The strands still lay damp against his bare shoulders.
“No. It’s fine as is. It just goes fluffy if you blow dry it.”
She sat forward with her hands clasped over her knees. “Why are you here, Spook? If it’s just because Xane forced you…”
From the corner of his eye he saw her worry her lip. The poor thing had been bitten to death tonight.
“Where do I stand, Spook? What I mean is — if you still feel the way you did earlier, then do we really have anything t
o talk about?”
They did, but it wasn’t an easy conversation to have. He was beginning to see the appeal of Xane’s ‘sex is always the solution’ response to relationship dilemmas. Sex didn’t have to involve words that could be misinterpreted. It didn’t involve complicated explanations of past events he didn’t want to revisit. It concentrated on the here and now. On pleasure and possession and most importantly, giving someone you loved a good time.
Yes, he was old fashioned like that. He believed in love being an important factor, even if it was the sort of love that only lasted a few minutes.
“Come down here.” He reached over and enfolded the back of her hand in his, then drew it, and her towards him. Alle shimmied off the sofa to land beside him, but he urged her forward a little and gave himself a quarter turn so they were facing. “Xane hasn’t forced me to do anything. He just presented the options, and in the grand scheme of things, I’d rather spend the night with you than him. He’s a total duvet hog.”
Alle peeped up at him, lips tightly pursed, but a glimmer of hope shone in her eyes.
“I still don’t know that I’m the right man for you, Alle. I’m a mess. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. Nor have I been terribly honest with you.”
“About it all being about the pain? It’s OK to like inflicting it, Spook. I like you dishing it out.”
He lifted his glass, held it between them a moment, before taking another sip. “It’s more that I’ve deliberately mislead you over what I meant. Yes, I get a kick out of inflicting pain in a sexual sense, but there’s stuff in my past that… Well, it did a lot of damage, and it’s not going away.”
“Stuff that’s tied up with sex?”
He nodded tersely, bracing himself for questions about his past. The knots in his guts gradually unravelled when she didn’t demand to know the whole story. Xane had been right on that score. They didn’t need to explore the blackest, most hurt-ridden corners of his soul tonight. All they needed to do was accept that the attraction between them was real and agree to explore it a little. However, he did catch her looking at the scars that ran the lengths of both of his fore-arms.
