It’s…
I have no idea, and if I walk away now, I’ll never know. I don’t think I can live with not knowing.
Anxiety picks at me as I pick at the wallpaper. It’s so quiet in the hallway. Everything is silent. Everything is loud. Time is creeping by, and I swear this space is getting smaller by the second. Inch closing in on inch, closing in on me, on the false sense of calm I’ve managed to maintain until right…
This.
Very.
Second.
Panic crawls up my spine, wrapping itself around every fiber of my being, squeezing every ounce of tranquility I’ve managed to wrangle. I glance down at my gray sleep pants, unlaced shoes, and plain white shirt. I’m in my pajamas standing in the middle of an unfamiliar hallway waiting on a woman who’s practically a stranger to open her door. I’ve officially gone insane. This is insane. Haley’s insane. Unlocking a door at exactly 9:59 PM for some guy she just met qualifies as crazy.
The worst part? It’s a kind of crazy I’d like to get to know.
I think.
And then I can’t think because all I can hear is the click of the lock as Haley flips it. I straighten, my stance going unnaturally vertical. Standing still, I slowly count to sixty.
One…two…three…
Run or stay. Run or stay.
Twenty-one…twenty-two…twenty-three…
Stay.
Run.
STAY.
Forty-six…forty-seven…forty-eight…
No, run.
No. I’m staying. I have to stay.
Sixty.
I take a hesitant step forward. Last chance, Gaige. Run or stay?
She’s sober.
She’s also dressed for bed, makeup free, wearing a Disney sweater and hot pink pants, her hair in a messy bun atop her head. She looks ridiculous. And adorable.
“You came.”
I nod, unable to speak.
“You can walk in farther than that.”
Her words spur my movements as I walk to where she is on the couch, taking a seat next to her. I’d typically relax, lounging back with my legs spread wide, occupying all the space I can. Instead, I sit at the edge of the cushion, my spine stiff and straight.
She rests her hand on my arm. “Relax.”
“I can’t.”
“You can.”
“What is this?” I glance over to see her eyes are calm, nothing like my wild gaze.
“It’s…” She pauses, pursing her lips. “I don’t know.”
“Why did you ask me over?”
“I—”
“Don’t say you don’t know,” I interrupt.
“I’m not sure.” Her lips twitch, just at the corners. She’s fighting a smile, and I can’t help but fight my own.
“Clever.”
“I think I just wanted company.”
I stare at her, searching her eyes for the truth, for the hidden meaning mixed into her words. I see none. She just honestly wants the company. My company. “Why? Why me?”
Haley shrugs. “It felt…good last night.”
“You don’t know how it felt. You were drunk.”
“I wasn’t that drunk.”
“You cried.”
“That had nothing to do with the booze and everything to do with life.”
My eyebrows knit together. “The life your friend is growing?”
She glances away, not meeting my stare as she says, “That, and in general.”
She’s quiet, and I can see the wheels spinning in her head. Whatever it is that’s going on with her friend is something that hits close to home for Haley; I just can’t find the angle it’s hitting from.
“So…” I clear my throat, licking my now dry lips.
“So…” she mocks.
“What, uh, what did you have in mind?”
She bristles. “I’m not sleeping with you, Gaige.”
My face heats up, shock and mortification hitting me in a flash. “I-I…I d-don’t…” I stammer, something I haven’t done since I was ten, unable to even get a sentence out. I’m embarrassed. I don’t get fucking embarrassed.
Haley’s loud laugh assaults my ears. “I’m just screwing with you—but, you know, figuratively, not literally.”
For the first time since I set foot in her apartment, I relax, expelling a heavy breath and dropping back onto her couch fully.
“I actually just thought we could talk…or sleep.”
I look to her. “Sleep?”
She lifts her slender shoulder. The oversized sweater she’s wearing slips down, exposing her bare skin, and in true asshole fashion, what’s the one thing I notice? There’s no bra strap.
She’s not wearing a bra.
I quickly snap my gaze forward, pushing away any and all thoughts I’m having right now, including the ones of a shirtless Haley.
“Yeah. Last night… It’s the first night in a long time I’ve slept well. And I…” She takes a deep, encouraging breath. “I think it’s because of you.”
Something strange happens, a tingle of sorts. It starts in my toes and travels slowly throughout my body, stopping right in the center of my chest. I like how she attributes her peaceful sleep to being with me. It’s…comforting.
And strange. So fucking strange.
I glance over at her. She’s nibbling on her lip, worry setting into her face. I can tell she’s concerned she just scared me off. She hasn’t. Not yet. Her eyes drop as she starts picking at a random string coming from her frayed sweatpants, waiting for me to say something.
I don’t know what to say.
Last night was…good. It felt good. I’ve tried my hardest all day to push it out of my head, to not dwell, to just keep moving forward, but it’s been hard. Last night felt like something I could want again. It felt normal and good to be able to relax, to be a little carefree, to just be around someone.
And the sleep? Damn. Despite being on edge when Haley found herself next to me, it was one of the best nights of sleep I’ve had in ages, hardwood floor and all. I didn’t have to worry about anyone attacking me, or some drunk person stumbling into my room. Hell, even not having to lock the door felt good.
Let’s not get into how Haley felt next to me, not now—especially not now. Not when she’s sitting beside me in her ridiculous outfit or when she’s telling me about how I made her sleep better, when she made me sleep better.
I believe my answer lies within that admission.
“I…” My voice makes us both jump. I offer a silent apology hidden in a grimace. “I think I’d like that.”
She lights up instantly. “Thank you.”
She stands. I follow.
We quietly make our way back to her bedroom, my palms sweating the entire walk. I’m relieved this isn’t a booty call. How strange is that? Most guys would kill to be invited into a beautiful woman’s home at random, but nope, not me. Unlike most guys, I don’t leave my self-respect at the door just to get into a woman’s underwear.
I bring it with me to get into her heart.
Not that I want to get into Haley’s heart. Just an observation.
The door clicks shut behind us and Haley twists the lock. It’s loud, final. I watch as she moves toward the bed in the darkened room, and I’m frozen. Do I take off my shoes? Follow her? Let her make the first move?
She grabs at the comforter on her neatly made bed, pulling down a side and sliding under the blanket. She looks up at me and shivers.
It’s not cold. The shiver came from the stare.
“How come you’re already dressed for bed?”
I lick my lips again because they’re dry, again. “I was actually in bed before I came here.”
Her brows scrunch together. “I thought you said you were off at 9:30.”
“I did.”
It clicks. “You weren’t going to come.”
“I didn’t know if I should.”
“Why?”
“Because I had no idea what this was.”
&nb
sp; She sighs, hanging her head, afraid to look at me. “I don’t even know what this is, Gaige.”
“I need more.”
This time she huffs. “All I know is I felt good last night. Having someone there during the night felt good. I don’t know if it was you specifically or what, but I know I slept like I haven’t slept in a really long time. I want that again. I need that again. This, whatever it is, is just that. Nothing more. I just need someone to sleep with.”
I smirk at her words. She rolls her eyes.
“You know what I mean,” she mutters, crossing her arms over her chest in a puff. She folds into herself, her arms dropping from across her chest to around her stomach, like she’s hugging herself. “I also feel like I can trust you, and it seems like it’s been a long time since I could trust anyone, including myself.”
I hear nothing other than the I can trust you part of her sentence. The last time someone told me that, I ended up being the biggest disappointment they’d ever had. I slam my eyes closed against the images running through my mind. I watch in a flashback as the social worker hands my baby brother over to my aunt who then turns to me, a sad smile on her face. I can trust you, Gaige. I know I can. Her words were so sincere then, but the first time I screwed up, she took them all back in a fit of anger, and just like before, I walked away. Years. I walked away for years.
No. I will not think about. I will not taint this evening with that.
“Will you sleep with me, Gaige? Just sleep?” She barges into my thoughts like a tank, pulling me away from clips of the past running through my mind.
“Of course.” No hesitation, only honesty.
I toe my shoes off, making sure they’re out of the way. As I reach for the hemline of my shirt, I falter just like last night, unsure if I should strip my shirt off or not. Haley notices.
“You can, if that’s what makes you more comfortable.”
It would, but it’s also a step I’m not ready to take. So, I settle on a cocky grin and flirtatious words, my go-to move for feigning happiness. “Are you trying to get me naked, Nikki?”
Even from here I can see her ears turn bright red at the tips. “I can’t believe I told you to call me Nikki. I haven’t been called that in years.”
“Wait, that wasn’t random?”
She shakes her head as I stalk closer to the bed, stopping right at the edge. “No. Nicole is my middle name. When I was in fifth grade, I decided I hated my name after a classmate said her dog’s name was Haley. So, I chose to go by middle name, only there was already a Nicole in my class. I settled on Nikki.”
“How long did that last?”
“Honestly? Three weeks. I didn’t respond to Nikki and kept getting in trouble when the teacher would refer to me as such and I’d ignore her.”
I laugh. “That’s cute. I used to go by another name too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yep. Asshole.”
She snorts unattractively, snuggling herself under the comforter, pulling it up until it hits her chin. She rolls over to her side so she faces me. “Shut up. You’re far from an asshole.”
“Not according to the people I went to high school with. Everyone hated me.”
“Why?”
“Because I was an asshole.”
Her curious eyes shrink to slits as she looks for something. “I don’t see it.”
“That’s because I’m long past that point. Sarcasm is my only asshole move nowadays.”
“I love sarcasm.”
“Me too. It’s my favorite.”
She smiles shyly as I stand there staring. “Gaige?” she says.
“Haley?”
“You can get in the bed.”
I let out a long breath. “Okay.” I lift the covers and slide in, adjusting the pillow a little. I make sure I’m not touching her at all, and if I’m honest, I’m probably lying stiffer than a board right now. The nerves roll through me, picking and eating at me. “This is weird.”
“Why are you whispering?”
“Because this is weird,” I say, still whispering.
I can feel her laughter rather than hear it. “It’s only weird if we make it weird.”
Rolling over, I face her, mirroring her position. I study her, looking for anything that would give me a glimpse inside her thoughts right now. I have to know if she’s as nervous as me, if she’s concerned at all. She’s not. I can see it. She’s calm and collected.
“How is this not weird?”
“You took me home last night.”
“So?”
“And you didn’t fondle me.”
“Do I get a reward?”
“No, you get this.”
“And this is?”
Her eyes sparkle. “This is two acquaintances becoming friends.”
“Is this how you become friends with everyone?”
“Only the people who promise to stick around.”
“Oh?”
“Oh,” she repeats.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Are we going to parrot each other all night?”
She shakes her head, her bun bobbing as she burrows into the pillow, hiding her face and inevitable blush. “No.” It comes out muffled. “Do you think I’m nuts?”
“Do you think I’m nuts for coming?”
Haley peeks up at me again, her green eyes lit with unheard laughter. “No, Polly, I don’t think you’re nuts.”
“Same to you.” I smile at her, trying to relieve her of her embarrassment. “Can I tell you a secret?”
“I’ve invited you into my bed. You can tell me anything.”
I know her words are just surface fillers, but I can’t help how they try to burrow themselves inside me and fill in the holes I have, the urges that lurk just under the surface, the ones that scream at me to open up to people, to not feed them bullshit, to be honest.
For the first time, I let the words fill the holes.
“I’m really nervous right now.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t need to add a new friend into all the shit that’s going on in my life.”
A frown lines her pink lips. “Gaige…”
“Hang on,” I interrupt. “I also need to start doing something for myself for a change, start stepping outside this box I’ve seemed to put myself into. So, here I am. In a stranger’s—”
“Acquaintance’s…”
“—bed, and this better be the best night’s sleep ever or you’ll be sorely disappointing, Nikki.”
She laughs. I like the sound, and I like her so far. It feels easy to be around her since I don’t know her and she doesn’t know me. I could build a friendship with her that’s not based on the man I was but the man I am now.
Fuck me if that doesn’t sound nice.
And before you freak out, that’s not me dissing on my friends. Though I’d never admit this out loud, I love Hudson and Tucker like my own brothers. But, our friendship is tainted by my past. They know all my dirty secrets—well, almost all of them. Still, it’s different with them. I’m Gaige Addams, responsible older brother, hard worker, sarcastic asshole, dependable. I’m not Gaige Addams, the abandoner, the flake, the criminal, and just straight-up asshole. I’m none of those things to them, even though it’s a part of me that’s buried inside. Parts of me they know about. Parts of me they claim to look past and not judge, but it’s always lurked in my mind: what if they do? Even if in just some small capacity, what if they see him too?
I want, just for a little bit, to be able to bury him. To lock up the criminal in me, shove the flake into a nailed-shut box, and conceal all the asshole tendencies I have. To have someone look at me differently in a good way. This friendship with Haley allows me that.
God, it’s pitiful. I’m not just the guy who discarded his family, I’m also the guy who was dumb enough to get caught up in too many illegal things to count. I’m a sad waste of space.
“Gaige?” she says, and I silently thank her for pulling me
from my head. It’s a dark and scary place that drags me under too often.
“Yeah?”
“I’m nervous too.”
“That’s surprisingly relieving,” I say quietly.
She shuffles, reaching over to flip the switch to the only light in the room. We’re bathed in blackness. My nerves skyrocket. I’m doing this. I can’t fucking believe I’m doing this.
I twitch when her cold hands meet my hot, clammy skin. Her touch is hesitant, shy. I can feel her hands tremble slightly, and I refuse to pass judgment on it. She wraps her hand around my arm, tugging herself closer to me. On instinct, I lift my arm, and Haley snuggles tighter to me like she did last night.
“This is weird,” she repeats my words from earlier.
“I told you,” I say, smiling.
I can feel her smile too, her mouth gently brushing across my chest.
“I’m sorry about last night,” she says into the quiet.
“You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“I cried.”
“You did.”
“You didn’t run.”
“I did not.”
She huffs. “Why didn’t you run?”
I contemplate lying to her, making up another reason for why I’m so acquainted with girl tears, but I don’t, because I don’t have to be the liar any longer. I can be better than that. “I used to make girls cry all the time. That kind of stuff doesn’t faze me.”
I don’t have to look at her to know her brows are drawn together, to know she’s wondering what the fuck I meant by that. I also don’t owe her an elaboration, and she doesn’t ask, so I don’t offer.
“I’m also preemptively apologizing for my inevitable craziness. It runs in my family.”
I don’t laugh, because that didn’t feel like a joke. She plays the no-elaboration card too. I don’t ask, and she doesn’t offer.
“You’re an interesting guy, Gaige,” she says when I don’t make a sound.
“You just met me; you can’t judge whether or not I’m interesting yet.”
“Fair enough.”
“I like that you do that,” I tell her honestly.
“Do what?”
“You admit things. When people call you on bullshit or go against what you’ve done or said, you admit to being wrong or not so right. It’s bold. I like it.”
“It could be a flaw,” she argues.
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